The first indication of how the night might go was when I spilled part of my first drink on my shirt sleeve. The second indication was when something occurred across the Miami River in Hialeah that required 8-10 police cars. My initial fears were quelled when the police cars finally left and my shirtsleeve dried out.
From Hollemans we went over to The Billiards Club to see some friends and shoot a little pool. Everything was fine and I was well into my third scotch when my pal Emilio announced we were going to another club and I might need some single dollar bills.
Needless to say, our final destination was a bit exotic and after a bottle of Belvedere Vodka we headed back to Miami, the final destination being Breakfast at Denny's as the Saturday morning sun came up. Life is good.....
The News As I See It: The Miami Heat's LeBron James is promoting a new caffeine strip for your tongue that quickly dissolves — you know, just like he does in the fourth quarter.
Microsoft is planning to open retail stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that their stores will be just like Apple stores except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question.
Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation? Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary. Weiner said, "Don't worry, I sent her a text."
Donald Trump said Anthony Weiner is a psycho. So look for him on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice."
President Obozo has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. When Greece thanked him, Obama was like, "Don’t mention it.... Really! Don't mention it to China, it’s their money."
This Date In History: 1900; The Boxer Rebellion began in China. 1966; The U.S. Supreme Court set forth in Miranda v. Arizona that the police must advise suspects of their rights upon taking them into custody. 1967; Thurgood Marshall was nominated to become the first African American on the U.S. Supreme Court.
1971; The New York Times began publishing the "Pentagon Papers." 1983; The U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system. 1986; Bandleader and clarinetist Benny Goodman died. 2000; The first meeting between President Kim Jong Il of North Korea and President Kim Dae Jung of South Korea occurred.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was winning a Trivia competition Saturday night until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the answer I should have given was Fiji. 2) In honor of Governor "Ahnold" Schwarzenegger, a new commandment has been added to the Bible. Thou Shalt Not Share Thy Rod With Thy Staff. 3) The economy is so bad that Exxon Mobile had to lay off 25 senators. 4) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 5) I always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.....and that's five !
Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 13th: Wake up, wash your face and change your underwear. Life needs a good "start" routine...make this yours. The stars indicate that walking under ladders is a bad idea for you this month. Sandwich is your lucky word for today and you are likely to be involved in some sort of minor accident. This is the main reason for the clean underwear. If they wink at you, make sure you don't make the wrong moves.
Birthdays: My pal Martica. Happy Birthday young lady! 19XX, William Butler Yeats, Irish poet and playwright 1865, Mary Antin writer, activist 1881, Dorothy L. Sayers, writer 1893, Christo, artist 1935.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old fisherman was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water, and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, "Are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride." The old fisherman opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
A doctor told Mrs Stone to give her husband one pill a day and one drink of whiskey to improve his sexual stamina. A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor asked, "How is Mr. Stone doing with the pill and the whiskey? Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey."
A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. The drunk says, "Damn, I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, just stick a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When she asks, just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. His wife says, "Why are there two twenties?". The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he shit in my pants, too."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax......Jesus Christ!" Then silence.
Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
That's it for today my little turnip greens. Remember, light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !