Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Meet The Phoneheads

I get a kick out the overwhelming use of cell phones. I see little kids walking around with cell phones ostensibly purchased by their parents so that they can keep in touch. Teenagers walk around in an apparent daze, texting, talking and listening to music. But, back in the day.....

Yeah, back in the day, we teenagers would go to the corner pay phone to get a little privacy and talk to our friends. If you were one of the few who had a phone at home and it wasn't a party-line phone, you were very fortunate. Even so, like most teenagers, we usually found a way to communicate with our friends.

Recent reports are now suggesting the possibility of cell phones causing cancer of the brain. Most of the people that I've seen who constantly have a cell phone in their ear shouldn't be alarmed. You can't get cancer in an area that doesn't contain grey matter.....

The News As I See It: One of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, "I don’t know."

The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.

When the economy is bad, it means budget cuts and teacher layoffs. That means the next generation won’t even know as much about American history as Sarah Palin.

Legal experts are investigating John Edwards for the money he spent to hide his mistress and love child. The good news for Edwards is that he is now eligible to run for governor of California.

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news, we all remember when Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

This Date In History: 1845; Andrew Jackson, the 7th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1861; Tennessee became the 11th and last state to secede from the Union. 1968; James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, assassin, was arrested.

1982; President Reagan became the first American president to address a joint session of Britain’s Parliament. 1983; Negro Baseball League great Satchel Paige died. 2001; Tony Blair and his Labour Party won a second term, overwhelming the opposition at the polls.

Picture Of The Day: I liked the "phone family" picture the moment I saw it. It sure does paint a picture of today's cell phone usage. Oh, and I had to add the picture of the USDA’s new nutritional plate unveiled yesterday while Barack Obozo wolfed down two chili dogs in Toledo with fries and an extra bowl of chili on the side.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 2) Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 3) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then, you will be afraid to cough. 4) You need only two tools in this world: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. 5) The Center for Disease Control has released a list of the lastest symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 8th: Monkeys can make awesome presents for someone you love, but be aware that they are prone to poop in a loved one's hat. It's time to get out of your favorite clothing and perfume yourself up till you smell like...well, a bottle of perfume. Oh yes, the time is upon you and this time you will succeed.

Birthdays: Robert Schumann, composer 1810, Frank Lloyd Wright, architect 1867, Virginia Randolph, educator 1874, Barbara Bush, former first lady 1925, Leroy Neiman, painter and printmaker 1927, Scott Adams, cartoonist 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years? God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An old man goes to see the doctor and tells him, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a head of lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctors says, "Good grief, I'd better take a look" The doctor examines the man for about five minutes. The old man says, "What do you think, Doc? Is it bad?" The doctor says, "It's worse than I thought and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them.

The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."The woman asks "What about the third rose?" The nurse replies, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

That's it for today my lemon drops. Remember, your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart by exercising will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

I wonder if that chicken is extra crispy?

Linda's World said...

I can only imagine what my teenage years woould have been like if I'd had a cell phone. We didn't have a party line however, since my dad worked for the railroad & was on call. The only phone in the very small house we lived in was on the wall, in the combination kitchen,dining room & living room. If I wanted privacy, I had to step outside the front door into whatever weather prevailed at the time. After the phone cord frayed & broke from having the front door shut on it so many times...I was told I had to stand in the kitchen, dining room, living room in front of God & everybody & have my conversations. A cell phone would have been wonderful!

REGINA said...

what do you think about the chinese teenager who sold his kidney for an ipad2? wth is this world coming to?

Heli gunner Tom said...

Take a nap is the best advice I've had in a long while.
Tom S

jack69 said...

Ed got some HAPPY ears!!!

Thanks for the laughs, again! Take care and enjoy life, we only go this way ONCST!

Julie said...

I loved the one about how she could stand someone in that line of work, LOL

Ally Lifewithally said...

Still laughing at the one when God said "I did not regognise you" ~ thanks Jimmy ~ :O) ~ Ally x