Coffee, Cream And Sugar, No Commentary Thanks

No one in my family speaks until after we finish our morning coffee. If, for some unknown reason Duncan Donuts or McDonald's is closed and I decide to purchase a $9 cup of coffee, I want my coffee without discussing race relations, or anything else, for that matter.

I don't go to Starbucks. I resent the idea that they expect me to pay $9 for a cup of over-priced coffee from a college student and refer to him as a "barrista". Bro, you're a college kid, who may or may not graduate, working as a waiter and hawking coffee.

I certainly do not intend to engage in a conversation about race relations at 6 o'clock in the morning with a Liberal Arts major who is predisposed to believe that if you're white, you must be a racists and Obama is the chosen one..

I've only been to Starbucks twice. The first time was out of curiosity and after looking at the prices, I quickly realized it was strictly there for people who were legends in their own mind. The second time was to pee. I just grabbed an empty Starbucks cup and left them my definition of a mocha latte.

No one seems to like Starbucks' absurdly stupid "Race Together" initiative, but the people who hate it the most are probably the waiters barristas, who have been asked by their wealthy bosses to bear the responsibility of starting discussions about American racism. Not only must you make coffee all day with the efficiency of a machine, you have to deal with entitled dickhead customers.

In the interim, I'll just stop by McDonalds for my coffee. Hell, I even get a seniors' discount, but being a senior, by definition, I can never remember to ask for the discount.....
   

Right! I'm going to have a deep conversation with Goofy about race relations at 6 o'clock in the morning

The News As I See It: During a speech, Obama discussed the country's successful economy and said, "I'm going to take a little credit." Then the people at the rally said, "Dude, we're all here in the middle of the day because we don't have jobs. So stop talking about how good the economy is." Obama then said, "I've got to take a little credit." Then the economy got bad again and he said, "Republicans did it."

Obama was photographed wearing a fitness tracker that features a GPS, heart monitor, and step counter. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was photographed wearing a necklace with his name, address, and allergies in case he gets lost.

During an interview with Playboy, Dick Cheney said Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.

Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Hawaii's governor said, "Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It’s especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?

This Date In History: 1602; The Dutch East India Company was established. During its 196-year history, it became one of the world's most powerful companies. 1727; English physicist/astronomer Sir Isaac Newton died in London at age 84.

1852; Harriet Beecher Stowe's "Uncle Tom's Cabin" was published. 1969; John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar. 1985; Libby Riddles became the first woman to win the Iditarod. 1990; Namibia becomes an independent nation.

1995; Two members of the Japanese cult Aum Sinrikyo released poisonous gas in a Tokyo subway stop during rush hour, killing 12 people and sending over 5,000 to the hospital for treatment.

1999 ; Bertrand Piccard and Brian Jones became the first to fly a hot-air balloon nonstop around the world. 2003; Ground troops entered Iraq and a second round of air strikes against Baghdad was launched.

Picture Of The Day: I'll pass on any conversation. Just give me my coffee.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My son asked, "Am I adopted?" I told him, "Not yet, but we're hopeful." 2) How can you go broke selling Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana? 3) When you apply for a job at Hooters, they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." 4) My friend had to sign a form stating she understands her mother's cremation is non-reversible. I weep for our species. 5) I was winning a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer.....and That's five !

Bonus Sixth: My friend's wife told him If she had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons, she would've become a lesbian.....

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 20th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. Bits and pieces of last night will flash before your eyes today. This is all due to the excitement and pleasure of your new found love - drinking all night at the country music karaoke bar.

Birthdays: Henrik Ibsen, Norwegian dramatist and poet 1928, Frederick W. Taylor, industrial engineer 1856, B. F. Skinner, psychologist 1904, Alfonso Garcia Robles, statesman, Nobel Prize winner 1911, Carl Reiner, actor, writer, director 1922, Fred Rogers, television personality 1928, Bobby Orr, hockey player 1948, William Hurt, actor 1950, Holly Hunter, actress 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

Finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor said calmly, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

A German engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friends Linda in Washington State and Wally for their contribution to today's stories.

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Scotland and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Scottish woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked lad?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No". She said, "Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in."

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

She asked, "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" Her father replied, "They're mating," She asked her father, "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" He replied, "That's a Daddy Long legs." The little girl asked, "So, the other one is a Mommy Long legs?" Her father replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. She said, "Well, that might be okay in California, but we're not having any of that "Brokeback Mountain" crap in Texas"

The hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions.

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, dyslexics are teople poo ! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

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Encore

I'll be honest with you, today's stories have been re-gifted. Remember when I told you Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera that goes "Crick" when he takes a picture? Truth be told he found the camera at Benihana's Japanese restaurant.

Brother Kirt has always been interested in Asia. I'm told that one in five people in the world are Chinese. Besides me, there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my Dad, or maybe my Sister Jean, or maybe my younger brother Ho-Chow-Ling, but I'm pretty sure it's Brother Kirt.

Hey Obama, this win is for you

The News As I See It: The prime minister of Ireland celebrated St. Patrick's Day at the White House. At least the Secret Service agents had a drinking buddy.

Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I've got to get into that Oval Office.

Officials in Indiana have discovered a working meth lab inside a Walmart. They became suspicious when they noticed a Walmart employee making a decent living.

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, "That's my boy."

After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin appeared this week in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means — a boob job. And we're going to find out quick because that guy doesn't wear a shirt a lot.

During his weekly address to the nation, Obama discussed higher education and said, “The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.” Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, “No it's not."

A grandmother in South Africa celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. It's pretty impressive — most people turning 100 usually go the other direction in the sky.

The L.A. Marathon was run last Sunday. It's the only time of year you see someone running in the streets of Los Angeles and it's not the end of a car chase.

This Date In History: 1584; Russian czar Ivan IV, or Ivan “The Terrible,” died at age 53. 1766; After months of American protests, Britain repealed the Stamp Act. 1925; The most violent single tornado in U.S. history, the “Tri-State Tornado,” hit Missouri, Indiana, and Illinois, killing 689 people and injuring 13,000 others.

1963; The Supreme Court held in Gideon v. Wainwright that public defenders must be provided for indigent defendants in felony cases. 1965; Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov made the first spacewalk. 1967; The oil tanker Torrey Canyon was wrecked off the Cornish coast of England, spilling 919,000 barrels of oil into the sea.

1990; The biggest art theft in U.S. history occurs at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The works, including pieces by Vermeer and Rembrandt, were never recovered. 2004; A small asteroid made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded, only about 26,500 miles away.

Picture Of The Day: The good thing about regifting or even retelling old stories is that good intentions and humor are an under-rated part of life.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you look in the mirror and say "pumpkin spice latte" three times, a suburban college girl from Starbucks, majoring in the arts, will appear and tell you everything she loves about the fall. 2) (Girlfriend): "Can you fix this? The hole is too big for the thing-a-ma-jig" (Me): "Hey, I know how that feels! Ha ha ha!" ** And then I regained consciousness ** 3) Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why does nobody reply to my emails?" 4) I told my girlfriend that she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses. 5) Miami Police have found a head, hands and a foot in the river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 18th: Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions or possibly, smells. You will finally understand why birds suddenly appear every time your lady friend walks near. I'm talking sardines here, people.....!

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932, F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, rap musician, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?" He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."

Her husband said, "No problem. Just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

Where was Putin?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. 

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.

While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

That's it for today, my little Cracker Jacks. Remember, few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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I Hear Banjo Music

The morning news had James Carville (who looks like the kid who played the banjo in "Deliverance") railing about the media "persecuting" Hillary Clinton, who may or may not have signed a required Separation Agreement after leaving office.

Meanwhile, after 14 days, the State Department still does not know nor cannot find the Clinton Separation Document. I hear banjo music.

Lawsuits are popping up left and right from sites like the Associated Press and Jucicial Watch for government release of unclassified documents that have been withheld for days, even months. I hear banjo music.

But, then, while news surfing, I began to hear the trite phrases being repeated over and over, e.g., "What do you make of........?" or "Are the (insert your favorite party) overplaying their hands....?" And how many more times will politicians and media use, "Kick the can down the road."

No one is perfect and on occasion, even politicians and media types have the tendancy to parrot phrases until they become hackneyed. As a rule of thumb, any intellgent speaker knows that is the time to get off the bandwagon.

On A Side Note, have you ever wondered why Hillary wears pant suits?

The News As I See It: Listening to media people pronounce the letter "T" is driving me nuts. This morning, I heard one news anchor refer to Russian President Putin as "Pudin" and two others refer to him as "Pu_en". Is there a problem enunciating the letter "T"?

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails

This Date In History: 1521; Ferdinand Magellan reached the Philippines. 1850; Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel The Scarlet Letter was published. 1926; The first liquid-fuel rocket was successfully launched by Professor Robert Goddard at Auburn, Massachusetts. The rocket traveled 184 feet in 2.5 seconds.

1935; Adolf Hitler cancelled the military clauses of the Treaty of Versailles. 1968; The My Lai massacre occurred in Vietnam. 1978; Italian politician Aldo Moro was kidnapped, and later murdered, by the Red Brigades.

1985; U.S. journalist Terry Anderson was kidnapped in Beirut; he was not released until December 4, 1991 after 2454 days in captivity. 1988; Lieutenant Colonel Oliver L. North and Vice Admiral John M. Poindexter of the National Security Council are indicted on charges of conspiracy to defraud the United States for their role in the Iran-contra affair.

Picture Of The Day: The lovely Luly and I in AREA 51 at the pre-St.-Patrick's-Day party on Friday night at Sabores Restaurant in Miami Springs.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A portmanteau is when you combine two words to make one word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 2) Ladies, the next time you're at Happy Hour and some dumb ass asks, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?", simply reply, "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." 3) Then I said "No officer, I’m not slurring my speech. I’m speaking in cursive."

4) My new answering machine recording: "Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 40 minute flute solo." 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures doesn't help either.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 16th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Georg Simon Ohm, physicist 1787, Reza Shah Pahlevi, shah of Iran 1877, Henny Youngman, comedian 1906, Jerry Lewis, comedian 1926, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, sociologist and politician 1927, Bernardo Bertolucci, filmmaker 1940.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

At the shopping mall the other day, an old man watched a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man did not bat an eye and responded, "Yep, I got drunk one night and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer goes into town to see a vet to see if how to tell that his pigs are pregnant. The vet says that if they're standing up in the morning they're not pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud they are.

So the farmer goes home and loads all of his pigs in the back of his pick-up and takes them all out in the woods and does all of them. Then he takes them home and unloads them in their pen. Afterwards he gets tired so goes to bed.

The following morning, he gets up and checks on the pigs and they're standing up, so he takes them all out in the woods and does them all twice. Then, he goes home, quickly unloads them in their pen and goes right to bed.

The next day, the farmer is so tired he can't even get out of bed, so he yells to his wife to come into his bedroom. He tells her to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are standing up or rolling in the mud. His wife replies, "Neither, they're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" A child answers, "It's a horsie." The teacher asks,  "And this?" Another child answers, "A piggy," replies another youngster."

The teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers, asks, "And how about this one?" There was no answer, only total silence.

The teacher coaxes, "Come now, children, I'll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? A little girls exclaims,"I know! I know! It's a horny bastard!"

An older woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", says Mrs. Murphy, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. Mrs. Murphy replies, "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." The doctor asked, "What happened?"

Mrs Murphy said, "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

The doctor asked, "What was terrible? Was the sex not good?" Mrs. Murphy responded, "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but we've been barred from McDonald's."

That's it for today, my little wildflowers. Remember, lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.

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More on Wednesday.

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So, You Locked Your Keys In The Car Again, Eh?

Remember locking your keys in the car the first time? You pushed the door to close and then, that agonizing moment when your eyes locked on the ignition only to see that the keys were still in it?

That mental picture becomes burned into your brain and that frozen moment in time, that snapshot, never, ever, leaves your mind again. It is also probably one of the first times you screamed obscenities, some made up on the spot, at the top of your lungs.

The same is true of locking your keys in your apartment. You lock the door and give it at slight push. At the same moment, your hand goes to your pocket to pat for the keys and they're not there. Once again, as the door is closing, you realize the keys are inside the apartment and "click", another mental snaphot.

Back in the day, there was just that simple door lock, much like any door lock in your house, but with a key. Most people didn't have a dead bolt lock, because, frankly, there was just not that many assholes around to break into your place and rob you. Either that, or they had already cased my apartment and figured it wasn't worth the effort. I mean how much money can you make for the resale of a beanbag chair, a black light and ten Pink Floyd psychedelic posters?

Situations like this also brings out the creativity in me. In the old days, you could esily unlock the door with a metal coat hanger. Automobile technology has refined the door locks now so that the only a thief can break into your car.

I carry a spare car key in my wallet and spare house keys in my car. I'm sure that there's still a hole somewhere in my plans and theories, but it's Friday and I don't want to think any more.....

Oh, by the way, have you ever locked your keys in the car with the motor running? Nah, me neither......

The News As I See It: Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

They found an Osama bin Laden scrapbook with photos from the '90s and they're studying each and every photo very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

In Utah, now if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement. Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

This Date In History:1639; Cambridge College was renamed Harvard University. 1781; The German-born English astronomer Sir William Herschel discovered the planet Georgium Sidus, later known as Uranus. Herschel came up with the name after observing his nude wife bend over to pick up something off the floor..

1852; "Uncle Sam" cartoon appeared for the first time in N.Y. Lantern weekly. 1868; The Senate began President Andrew Johnson's impeachment trial. 1906 Suffragist Susan B. Anthony died. 1925; Tennessee passed a bill prohibiting the teaching of evolution in public schools. 1930; Clyde W. Tombaugh announced the discovery of the planet Pluto.

1972; Britain and China resumed full diplomatic relations after 22 years; Britain withdrew its consulate from Taiwan. 1996; A man shot dead 16 children and a woman teacher in a school in Dunblane, Scotland. He then shot himself. 2012; The Encyclopaedia Britannica discontinued its print edition after 244 years.

Picture Of The Day: Patrick McSpidey is coming.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Vegans with children named "Hunter" or "Lance" are one of the reasons why I lie awake at night. 2) I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces. 3) I'll bet LaShawndra's church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace. 4) Thanks to a huge spider web I walked into coming out of the shower today, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked. 5) At the airport yesterday, a TSA worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, she's right behind me.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 13th: The odds are that you'll see something today that you physically and desperately desire. However, it is unlikely that you will achieve it. I would estimate that at least half of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Don't be concerned, the same thing happens to me, too.

Birthdays: Maria Theresa, queen of Bohemia and Hungary 1717, Henry William Stiegel, iron and glass manufacturer 1729, Sir Arthur Sullivan, composer 1842, Georges Braque, painter 1882, Joe Louis, world champion heavyweight boxer 1914, Harvey Keitel, actor 1939, Stevie Wonder, singer, composer, producer 1950.

"I did not have text with that woman"

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then, you ask him."

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning, he left and returned with a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
 

Obama's legacy and contribution to America slowly make their way into world history

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Head Gardner at the White House was fired after 28 years of service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe? The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

A man's wife asked him to buy organic vegetables from the market. He went to the store, looked around and couldn't find any.

He grabbed an old produce employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The old produce guy looked at him and said, "No sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Early one morning, an elderly retired gentleman yelled to his wife, "Honey, come see what I created. It's an abstract panorama depicting the five-years of the Obama presidency!" She yelled back, "Flush the damn toilet and come eat your breakfast."

That's it for today, my little four-leaf-clovers. Remember, don't make exceptions for ignorant people. An asshole with a flower in it is not a vase. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !