Friday, April 10, 2009

The Easter Chicken Actually Eggsists !

Jimmy's Journal has discovered the cause of the recent appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America. Scientists have discovered the existence of the species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen. The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chickens referred to as Chickus Kay Eff See Us and Chickus Perdueus.

It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April. It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs. Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

Oddly enough, the chicken was discovered by Al Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet. Sharpton quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by the scientists. During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and is believed to be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

I could solve the Somali Pirate problem in one week. The problem is that everyone worries what the world would say if we blew these sons of whores out of the water with a rocket launcher. Well that's too bad! If it were my ship, I'd hire a few capable soldiers and snipers and use their talents, if necessary. If any unknown craft came within one half mile of my ship, I would immediately begin firing warning shots.

Once the craft was within one quarter mile of my ship. my snipers would take out one person on board. If they ship did not turn about after that, I would blow it out of the water with a rocket launcher. Once the word gets out and the scumbags know how we roll, they'll return to their normal habits of screwing over and killing their own and leave the rest of us alone.

Am I the only one who noticed that Barack Hussein Obama didn't bow to the Queen of England, but he bowed to the king of Saudi Arabia?

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This Date In History: 1919; Emiliano Zapata, the Mexican revolutionary leader and agrarian reformer, is assassinated. 1925; The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is published. 1954; Auguste Lumière, one of two pioneer film-maker brothers, dies in Lyon, aged 91. 1998; The Good Friday Agreement is signed in Belfast as a precursor to peace in Northern Ireland.

Picture Of The Day: Well, I guess you've figured out today's theme by now. I've always enjoyed Easter and it's the one time of the year that nearly everybody goes to Sunday church services. Our minister always had to take several doses of his heart medication so that he didn't have a heart attack when he saw us on Easter Sunday. Nevertheless, it was the one time of the year that I really enjoyed the Sunday services.

Birthdays: My pal, Barbie. Happy Birthday baby! 19XX, Lew Wallace, American military leader and writer 1827, William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army 1829, Joseph Pulitzer, American journalist 1847, Ben Nicholson, painter and sculptor 1894, Clare Booth Luce, American playwright, legislator, and diplomat 1903, Paul Theroux, American novelist and travel writer 1941.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've found that when the chips are down, the buffalo is usually empty. 2) There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL. 3) Being a singer and a musician, I am accustomed to being on stage. The worst case of stage fright I ever had was standing in front of the priest when I got married. 4) My Mom made me an Easter basket every year until the last few years of her life. 5) I've learned that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no...." The man went on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replied, "Because you're at the Home Depot.

On Easter Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? The priest explained, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The preacher asked, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replied, "No, I didn't!" The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

That's it for today my little Easter bunnies. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51. Have a happy Easter, a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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Linda's World said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linda's World said...

I'll try it again & check my spelling before posting.

Our pastor was never shocked when people showed up for Easter services. He just figured they were there because they forgot their umbrella's when they came to the Christmas Eve service. This Somali pirate thing is getting out of hand. I even heard some nut-brain say it was probably our own CIA doing the dirty deeds. Gimme a break! Yes, I noticed the Saudi bow~almost borders on treason as far as I'm concerned. Linda in rainy & cold Washington

Pat said...

Loved the jokes Jimmy, especially the last one. I'm sure I've heard it before but I still find it funny!
I hope you have a good Easter, Our family will be having our usual Easter Egg Hunt at my eldest daughter's this year, should be fun...if the rain holds off!

garnett109 said...

send navy seals over the other side of the ship and sink the dingy

Julie said...

I noticed that also. And wasn't surprised. Loved the jokes. I would blow them out of the water also.

natalie said...

hi Jimmy!:0
I hope you have a great Easter!
What will you do to celebrate?
Jimmy did any hostages get free?Aren't they out of water?

Melanie said...

Enjoy your Easter Jim.


Paula said...

Like this Easter entry. Wishing you a nice one.

Rose said...

You crack me up.....I couldn't wait to see your post for today about your Easter Chicken.....too funny! I guess we were on the same wave length this week! LOL

I'm so upset about the U.S. Ship.
We certainly have to deal with these Pirates in a more aggressive manner so they will be terrified to go near our ships............Oh my.

Well, on a good note.....Happy Easter my friend!

Hugs, Rose

madcobug said...

LOL on that colorful Easter chicken. Have a great Easter. Helen

Anne said...

Now, just how did you get that picture of me in my Easter bonnet? Anne

Martha said...

You are so funny Jimmy! I loved the jokes - great way to kick off my Saturday :-)

Missie said...

Happy Easter.

Joann said...

"Chickus Kay Eff See Us"... LOL!! Prep H... LOL!! Al Sharpton... LOL!!! YOU KILL ME!!! Love your idea for the Somali Pirate problem... JIMMY FOR PRESIDENT!!

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy,

Happy Belated Easter! That was a great picture of Easter chicken and all those pretty eggs. I hope you had a wonderful day. I love your plan for getting rid of those pirate's, I second that idea! You made me laugh (at work sshhhh)on a Monday...Thanks!