Friday, May 8, 2009

Breaking News.....Breaking News.....Broken News!

"House passes gas tax onto senate" ~ "Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?" ~ "Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say" ~ "Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation!"

Headlines....Have you noticed that the news, especially cable news, is either constantly trying to keep us in fear or inanely repeating the same story for three days? Does endless teases during the day like "Does eating Tacos increase your sexual appetite? Tune in at 6:00 p.m.", sound familiar?

In a world that has enough real problems to go around, I really don't like to hear the annoying cries of, "Breaking News" or "This Just In" one hundred times a day. One of yesterday's "Breaking News" stories was that Barack Obama and his idiot sidekick, Joe Biden, were eating hamburgers at a local D.C. eatery. The report said they paid for the burgers, in cash, out of their own pockets. That's your breaking news?

Network and cable news companies, like any other business, rely on income. That income is derived from the sale of advertising spots during the broadcasts. The more popular the station rank, the higher the station can charge for each advertising minute. Bottom line, the agenda of these stations become compromised and you get fed the news in the way that's most convenient and economically viable for the station.

Unfortunately for the news stations, there are slow news days and with that you get the same story rehashed and in "breaking news" fashion for up to three days in a row.

"Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers" ~ "Grandmother of eight makes hole in one" ~ "Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing" ~ "Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over"

Swine flu, bird flu, One flu over the cuckoo's nest, mad cow disease, legionnaire's diseases, Paula Abdul, hurricanes, tornadoes, turbulence, flatulence, wild fires, illegal immigrants, scam artists, Al Sharpton (oops!...redundant), government bailouts, scandals, vandals, sandals........ No wonder there's so much news just sitting there ready to be exploited and turned into profit. One of the most supposedly pressing issues is that if Miss California will lose her title because she posed semi-nude. I assume the rules state that one is not allowed to pose semi-nude until, of course, the swim suit competition.

Yes, my little pop tarts, it's the daily news, reported by your local, national or cable news network, in a fashion and manner most convenient for them. Occasionally, truth and honesty are part of the fray, but that's usually spun and distorted to fit the politics of each particular station.

"If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while!" ~ "Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years" ~ "Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better!" ~ "Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency"

Here's a headline, it's Friday and the breaking news is that I'm heading to AREA 51 to cover and report any news of the day. If things work out well and my spiritual guide and social director, Johnny Walker Black, is any help, I'll have reports for you on Monday, hopefully filed under "This Just In!"

For those of you in the know, thank you very much for your kind email messages yesterday. A little birdie told me that another little birdie was the source behind the rumor. I don't want to mention names, but her initials are Linda in Washington. Thanks Linda and thank you all very much.

This Date In History: 1429; During the Hundred Years' War, the siege of Orléans is broken. 1660; A new Parliament proclaims Charles king and requests him to return to England. 1794; Antoine Lavoisier, a French scientist who is considered the founder of modern chemistry, is guillotined by the revolutionary authorities in Paris, France.

1886; Atlanta, Georgia, pharmacist John Pemberton invents a beverage he names Coca-Cola. 1945; V-E Day (Victory in Europe Day) officially goes into effect on the day after Germany surrendered unconditionally to Allied forces. 1956; Look Back in Anger, a landmark in post-World War II British drama that made its author famous as the first of the “angry young men”, premieres in London.

Picture Of The Day: "Breaking News" and "This Just In" are neck and neck as they race toward winning the title of "The Most Annoying Words In Television." Fortunately, the amazing minds and abilities of the Photoshop world are able to bring some comic relief to the daily, inane news reports. Media attempts to hold our minds and worst fears at ransom are temporarily suspended today as Jimmy's Journal gives you a slant that will hopefully amuse you.

Birthdays: Edward Gibbon, historian and author 1737, Jean-Henri Dunant, Swiss philanthropist and Red Cross founder 1828, Harry S. Truman, 34th Vice-President (1945) and 33rd President of the United States (1945-1953) 1884, Edmund Wilson, author and critic 1895, Roberto Rossellini, film director 1906, Thomas Pynchon, novelist 1937.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason that men chase women they have no intention of marrying is the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. 2) If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal. 3) When I first met my future ex-mother-in-law, I could already visualize the duct tape over her mouth. 4) I have a lady friend who has an emotional problem. I don't know what the problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 5) I once asked my father why he had hair growing out of his ears. He told me that it's to drown out noise and I'd understand better once I got married.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the desk, sits down and says, "You know, I just hate coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The welfare worker behind the desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur -bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $100,000 a year."

The man says, "You're bullshitting me!" The welfare worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

A couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. He took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to be a politician!"

That's it for today my little kidney beans. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some karaoke! Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers including my pal Garnett. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Jimmy enjoy your weekend!

Julie said...

I agree about the news, "SUV jumps curb and kills 20". No driver, just the dangerous SUV. Loved your printable things, duct tape. Ha. Hope you enjoyed your birthday.

Coelha :B said...

LOL... Tell me is it true? Tacos really do that?! Did I miss your birthday? DAmn, I wish the Obama rap CD was out already--I would have wrapped it up special just for you!! :) Julie

Anonymous said...

I don't like those sort of headlines but I do believe some people thrive on them. OH MY GOD SOMETHING IS WRONG. SOMETHING IS ALWAYS WRONG. That really gets some people pumping. As far as mundane stuff like sex tacos & presidents paying in cash, boredom must really be setting in for that to add up to viewers, but...

If Biden ever gets a good haircut that will be actual news to me. ~Mary

Martha said...

Great as always Jimmy! My breaking news is that I'm heading to my own little AREA 51. If things work out well and my spiritual guide and social director, Bud Weiser, is any help, I'll have reports for you tomorrow ;-)

Have a great weekend!

Brother Kirt said...

Let us all not forget the last eight (8) miserable stinking years under DUBYA and try to tolerate alittle change. Just like Reagan, it will take years to dig our asses out of what DUBYA has put us all in. HEHEHEHE!!!!!

Linda's World said...

So did you have a Happy Birthday ? I hope so. Everytime the words "Breaking News" on the TV I hold my breath & cross my fingers. You never know what you're going to hear. Have a good weekend...we're heading out to California Monday morning, so don't know when I'll be on line. Linda in Washington

Pamela said...

I missed your birthday? I hope it was fun! Happy belated birthday Jimmy! Have a great weekend!

Rose said...

Did I miss your birthday too?

Well, I'm in Boston right now spending Mother's Day with my children.

I will be back home soon.


Kelly said...

Hi Jimmy, I am back from neverland, okay, well, my computer had a virus and shut me down for a while, but I am stopping in to read up and say hello. :) XOXO KElly