Monday, May 25, 2009

Flying A Plane In A Thunderstorm Is Nature's Way Of Saying "Up Yours !"

I hate to fly! My reason, quite frankly, is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line, crying babies or long walks on the beach (Oops, sorry, that last one is from my dating profile). The one thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal forward to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in the self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it. Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black sock.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I begin to visually scour the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under five pounds should be Fed-Ex-ed to their destination.

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of flyers who need to drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking. This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose.

The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

Another Commercial: It's called Youthology and it's used to reduce wrinkles and bags around the eyes. The infomercial hypes a cream that supposedly only takes 90 seconds to work and lasts up to 8 hours. I went to the Internet and saw mixed reactions as to it's usefulness. My thoughts are that if it seems too good to be true, it probably doesn't work.

Truth be known, some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and works quite well. I tried preparation under my eyes once and it really does work. I quit using it though because it made me feel like an asshole.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention, presided over by George Washington, opens in Philadelphia to establish a new US Constitution. 1895; Oscar Wilde is convicted of sodomy and sentenced to two years of hard labor in prison. 1963; The Organization of African Unity is founded in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, with the goal of promoting continental peace and cooperation. 1977; The science fiction film Star Wars, directed by George Lucas, is released.

Picture Of The Day: Today is a day to take time out and remember our fallen soldiers. Memorial day is best observed by our thoughts and prayers for the gallant men and women of the armed forces, both past and present.

My father, my brother Kirt and myself have all served in the armed forces. My father served with the U.S. Coast Guard during World War Two, Brother Kirt served in Vietnam with the U.S. Army and I served in the U.S. Army as well.

Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist and poet 1803, Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, tap dancer and entertainer 1878, Igor Sikorsky, aeronautical engineer and manufacturer 1889, Miles Davis, jazz trumpet player and bandleader 1926, Beverly Sills, opera singer 1929, Ian McKellen, actor 1939.

Printable Things I Never Told You:1)The only time I have worn boxer underwear was when I was in the Army. 2) I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. 3) I have not been in a movie theater in thirty years mainly because of the availability of HBO, rental movies, unclean theaters and rude patrons. I also stopped for going because I feared I might have to cripple people who talk during the movie. 4) I'm already having nightmares about next season's American Idol. 5) I'd rather fight a bear than argue with a woman with PMS.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

A drunk goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks the drunk if he would like to play a game of darts. The bartender says three bull's-eyes wins a prize. The game costs a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart: A bull's-eye!

The drunk downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet and throws... Two bulls eyes! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!

All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize. He grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks later, the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?" The drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll."

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present, while you enjoy your Memorial Day festivities. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

8 comments:

Linda's World said...

Great entry again Jimmy. I've never liked to fly and since I don't drink, it makes it even more stressful. Bob flies but he loads up on gin & tonic before, during & after. No festivites here...they've got a bad case of clogged plumbing, so Bob & his son in law are working on that. We leave Tuesday for a campground in San Clemente and will spend Wednesday in San Diego. I'm starting to get anxious about getting home. I miss my bed and my flowers. Linda presently languishing in southern California

Rose said...

I'm still choking from laughing so hard.

Gosh,They say laughter is the best medicine and I'm so glad I have you!

I hate to fly myself and I arrive at the airport early to fuel up myself! LOL

I wish my new Area 51 was closer to your Area 51. I'm currently enjoying The Blue Martini on Wednesdays for Happy Hour! Between 5-7 is great...after that all the youngings come in. Pretty to look at but can't hold their booze! LOL

Just pouring myself a nice glass of Merlot right now to enjoy with my dinner. Cheers!

Hugs, Rose

Joann said...

This entry CRACKED ME UP!! As yours always do!! I don't mind flying, but only because I'm usually excited about the destination... but I'd really rather drive!! Thank you to YOU, Bro Kirt, and to your daddy for your service!! You are appreciated!! I think you'd be surprised at how much movie theaters have changed in 30 years, although the talkers are still there.

Paula said...

I hate to fly and I wouldn't care to sit next to a nursing mother no matter where she is from. lol My favorite flight was flying into Las Vegas at night.

Julie said...

Every since I worked in the ER after the crash of flight 232 I have hated to fly, but I did, now since 9-11 not at all. Loved the jokes.

garnett109 said...

Jimmy ,thank you for your serving old glory.

Senorita said...

Great entry, I agree with you.

I can't stand flying with young screaming children or crying babies. On my last flight to Germany we had a resident screaming baby. Not only does Delta service suck balls, but the flight was crowded, and I couldn't drown out the noise with headphones.

I wanted to order alcohol, but I was out of cash. So pissed, lol.

Tabby said...

Hi Jimmy,

I love this entry! I hate flying, I hate people at airports, I hate people who fly with kids, I hate non-stop talkers...well hate is a strong word lets just say I highly dislike all of the above. It never feels when I come back from my yearly trip to Fla keys and I am sad and depressed because I am leaving paradise I am surrounded by snot nosed kids with parents who feel they have to talk non-stop to the kid for the whole flight. Ok I am ranting now...have a good one.