Monday, August 17, 2009

Can You Spare A Square Of Toilet Paper?

The most frustrating thing that can happen to mortal man (or woman) is to run out of toilet paper. The average person can run out of most anything......booze, cigarettes, or even grocery items and not panic. When you run out of toilet paper, it's time to panic. Most of us can normally resolve this problem with a quick trip to the local supermarket or convenience store. The island nation of Cuba, however, has a whole new problem that has the country sitting on the edge of their toilet seats.

It seems that Cuba is running out of toilet paper and by the end of the year, Cubans could be wiping their butts with newspapers and banana leaves. After three devastating hurricanes last year, Cuba does not currently have the raw resources to produce its own supplies of toilet paper. Cuban officials say they are reducing the prices on a range of basic goods, but may not receive more toilet paper supplies until later this year.

Cubans living in Miami, a long time source of aid to family members still living on the island, have offered to send Cuba the newly manufactured "Fidel Toilet Paper" but have not received a government response.

In the past Cuban and American families alike, especially those living in rural areas, could rely on the Sears catalog as an emergency source of relief. Fortunately today, this practice is no longer necessary in America. We will never have Cuba's toilet paper problem with the inflation that is resulting from Obamanomics. We can just use our own currency.

The American government has not responded to the Cuban toilet paper crisis as yet. My sources tell me that Obama is sending our Constitution down there for them to use as toilet paper as he has no need for it. Realistically, the toilet paper crisis is not a problem. With the way the Federal government is printing money, even Cuba will soon be able to afford to use American dollars as toilet paper as that’s about all they will be good for!

The bottom line (you'll excuse the expression)? If the Cuban government cannot obtain toilet paper until late this year, the feces will hit the oscillator (that's "The shit will hit the fan" for the hard of understanding).

Hurricane Bill is the first hurricane of the season and the Carribean has all of a sudden become very active. Tropical storm Claudette hit the Pensacola area in the Florida panhandle area yesterday and Tropical depression Ana is rumbling toward the Dominican Republic. As for Hurricane Bill we really don't know what's up with him until Hurricane Monica appears.

This Date In History: 1790; The federal capital of the United States moves from New York to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where it will remain until it moves again to Washington, D.C., in 1800. 1896; Gold is discovered in Bonanza Creek, a tributary of the Klondike River, in western Canada, sparking the Klondike Gold Rush.

1947; Indonesian nationalist leader Sukarno proclaims the country's independence from the Netherlands and becomes its first president. 1969; Hurricane Camille batters Louisiana and Mississippi, killing over 250 people. 1987; Former Nazi leader Rudolph Hess commits suicide in Spandau Prison, West Berlin, aged 93.

Picture Of The Day: Sometimes it's easy to find good pictures to go along with each entry I make and sometimes it's very difficult. Oddly enough, while perusing through some pictures on a different subject, I stumbled across this excellent cartoon of Fidel Castro on the presidential throne.

Birthdays: Pierre de Fermat, French mathematician 1601, Davy Crockett, American frontiersman, pioneer, and politician 1786, Mae West, American actress 1892, Jiang Zemin, Chinese political leader 1926, V. S. Naipaul, Trinidadian novelist and essayist 1932.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I haven't quite figured out why men reach their sexual peak between the age of 18 to 24 and women reach their sexual peak at the same time that men discover they have a favorite chair. 2) People who live in glass houses should get dressed in the basement 3) I'm having amnesia and Deja Vu at the same time. 4) If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 5) In the many years I've spent in the social world, I've found that 30% of women think their ass is too fat. Another 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The other 60% of women said they didn't care, they loved him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.......and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The only thing I think that would not be tolerated in the AREA 51 RHBaG is any resident sending naked pictures of themselves to other residents. The wear and tear of seeing such a ghastly sight might cause severe nausea.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, my pal Victor and my pal Linda, for their contributions to today's entry.

One morning, a woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He answers, "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra, It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks, Would you like a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" The husband says, "The Viagra really trashes my desire for food."

Later, at dinnertime, she asks, "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? He declines saying, "Nah, still not hungry." His wife says, "Well, would you getting off of me? I'm starving."

An old man walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "I'd like to by some Viagra. Can you cut them into quarters?' The pharmacists says, " I can cut them into quarters if you like, but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

The old man said, "I'm 92 years old. I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out enough so that I don't piss on my slippers."

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian from Montana, another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward ans sneers, "Once my people were few and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'!"

That's it for today my little lemon wedges. Remember that everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have a scotch on the rocks. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

hurricane monica? now that's funny!

Anonymous said...

Will Hurricane Monica be wearing a blue dress?

I have a 6 pack of Charmin I keep tucked away in the closet in case I run out.~Mary

Paula said...

Me thinks corn cobs and Sears catalogs would cause a lot of plumbing problems.

Heli gunner Tom said...

Thanks for the wake up call. I better stock up on paper!

Tom S

Anne said...

As usual you amaze AND entertain me to the point of extreme laughter. Thanks, I needed that! BTW....I bought two Eva Cassidy cd's today. She is wonderful and thanks for introducing me to her. Anne

Rose said...

Oh my darling, I wait for the laughter and each post is better than the one before!

Who the hell is Hurricane Monica? ...we are only up to the letter B! LOL

Hugs, Rose

Julie said...

Jimmy, top form as usual, thanks for the laughs.

Senorita said...

I'm glad I don't live in Cuba.

Don't even get me started on Obama......

Tabby said...

Howdy Jimmy,

Why can't the import some T.P.??? I wish you luck with those storms ( I hope they do not hit). As always Jimmy thanks for the laughs:)