How Can I Function Without Batteries?

Sunday morning, I walked out to my car to get something I had left in the trunk a few days earlier. When I clicked the remote trunk opener on my key chain, the trunk didn't open. After a few more clicks, I realized that the battery was dead in my remote car opener. The funny thing was that I stood there for a minute or two trying to figure out how I would open my trunk before I realized I could simply use the trunk key.

I like electronic gadgets and the new technology, but the incident on Sunday reminded me of how much we rely on things that previously required nothing more than a physical action or even more taxing, committing a word or number to memory.

Cell phones, for example, have made it easier for just about anything you'd like to do. Moreover, they have combined a number different apparati into one simple piece of electronics. Aside from making phone calls, you can take a picture, play a song, check your bank account and pay a bill, conveniently from home or anywhere you choose. That is, of course......unless your battery fails.

Take away a person's cell phone and that person cannot call his family of friends because he doesn't know the phone number. That same person will fail to timely make his appointment because he can't check his cell phone calendar. It wouldn't have mattered anyway as he was relying on his Blackberry GPS to show him how to get there.

Even without a GPS system, most married men rarely get lost because they are constantly reminded by their wives to stop and ask for directions.

Why has the national media not reported more on the grizzly slayings of Hugh Christopher Newsom, age 23 and Channon Gail Christian, age 21, both students at the University of Tennessee? Type either of these names into your browser and read what happened to these young people. Then, you tell me why no major news organization or television station has anything to say! Or, just watch the following video.

Headline News From The Year 2030: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

In Other News: Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba..... Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut..... Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States..... Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays......

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative..... Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights..... New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2031..... IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent...... Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

This Date In History: AD 79; The Roman city of Pompeii is destroyed and buried for more than 1,500 years by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. 1572; Charles IX, under the influence of his mother, Catherine de Médicis, order the killing of thousands of French Huguenots in Paris in the St Bartholomew’s Day.

1814; During the War of 1812, British forces invade Washington, D.C., where they set fire to the Capitol and the White House. 1821; The Treaty of Córdoba is signed, granting Mexico independence from Spain.

1940; Howard Florey and Ernst Chain announce in The Lancet that they have developed penicillin for general clinical use as an antibiotic. 1992; Hurricane Andrew devastates southern Florida, killing more than 50 people.

Picture Of The Day: I loved this picture the moment I saw it and when you think about it, it goes well with the picture of the Obamas (above). Simply stated, the picture visually states that "no man is an island."

That crazy squirrel showed up again just as the Obamas were taking a stroll in the woods. I wonder if the squirrel's a democrat just frolicking with the first family or a republican eating the pieces of bread that Obama is dropping along the way so that he can find his way out of the political woods.

The feature picture shows Hillary dressed with what seems to be an agenda. I wonder if she's thinking about getting even with Bill or thinking about the line of succession to the presidency?

On another note, I think you'll like the picture of MJ and his doctor entitled "The Man In The Mirror."

Birthdays: Max Beerbohm, essayist, critic, and caricaturist 1872, Jorge Luis Borges, Argentine writer 1899, Graham Sutherland, modernist painter 1903, René Lévesque, Canadian statesman 1922.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that school has finally started. 2) Sometimes, when I think things could not be worse, I console myself with the knowledge that I'm not married to Nancy Pelosi 3) I never take a beer to a job interview. 4) Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 5) If you're old enough to remember the TV show "Leave It To Beaver" you'll find the pictures of (left to right) Eddie Haskell, The Beaver and his brother Wally" interesting.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, the other day a retired man went into town and went into a shop. He were only in there for about 5 minutes. When he came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. He went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

The ignored him and continued writing the ticket. The man called him a Fascist bastard. The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So the retiree called him called him an asshole. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the retired man insulted the cop, the more tickets he wrote.

The cop finally left and another man who had witnessed the incident asked, "You sure made that cop angry. Aren't you concerned about the coasts of all those tickets?" The retired said, "I don't care. I came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances and my pal Garnett for their contributions to today's entry.

Do you know what was happening back in 1850? California became a state.The people had no electricity.The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch swing talking about the good old days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" Pa raises up and says," Git my gun, Ma!" She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim and fires...boom! boom! boom!

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa," Pa says, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

That's it for today my little rug rats. Remember that any man can have the body of a 25-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !