Monday, August 10, 2009

Why Men Are Happy Creatures

For the most part, men are happy creatures. When you think about it, a man's world is largely uncluttered and simple. What more would you expect from a gender who knows down deep inside that, in an extreme emergency, the whole world is a urinal? No man has ever had to drive to another gas station restroom because the one you were in was just too "icky."

Brother Kirt sent me an email which detailed the mind of the male animal. After deleting a few phrases that I though were a bit graphic, I arrived at the following thoughts.....

No matter what happens, your last name stays the same. Most men have never even thought about or considered what happens when women marry and take their husband's surname. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear no shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life . One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a beard or a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Sure, men can be complex at times and occasionally actually have deep thoughts. But when it gets down to basics, men are merely boys in a larger body.....

On a very sad note, Debbie, my friend Garnett's wife, was rushed to the hospital on Friday and passed away Sunday afternoon. My sincere condolences to John and his family. Please stop by John's blog and leave a kind word in his hour of need.

This Date In History: 1792; In one of the bloodiest episodes of the French Revolution, the Palais des Tuileries is stormed by the Parisian populace, and documents discovered there lead to the trial and execution of Louis XVI. 1846; President James K. Polk signs legislation creating the Smithsonian Institution, in Washington D.C., now the largest museum complex in the world.

1897; At the outset of motoring, the Royal Automobile Club is founded as the Automobile Club of Great Britain. 1920; The Treaty of Sèvres is signed by Britain, France, and others at Sèvres, France, initiating the end of the six-century-old Ottoman Empire. 1952; The European Coal and Steel Community, the forerunner of today’s European Union, comes into being.

Picture Of The Day: My choice of photographs for today was changed when I learned of the death of Debbie, my friend Garnett's wife. The choices reflect the peace and serenity that I wish for John and his family. Rest In Peace Debbie.

Birthdays: Camillo Cavour, Italian statesman, the chief architect of Italy's unification. His full name was Camillo Benso, Conte di (Count of) Cavour 1810, Aleksandr Glazunov, Russian composer 1865, Herbert Hoover, 31st president of the United States 1874, Alfred Döblin, German novelist 1878.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My Friday jaunt to AREA 51 started simply enough with a couple of drinks with my pal Hector. We ended up at a bar-b-cue party that ended sometime in the a.m. 2) Since I'm a glutton for punishment, I continued on Saturday night playing dominoes until the wee hours. 3) When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. 4) I'm at the age where I want two women so that in case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to. 5) My pal Victor emailed me and asked if I'd add some more songs by Alabama, Hank Williams, Toby Keith and Willie Nelson. So, I dood it............and that's five !

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: I keep seeing these advertisements in all the media hawking the retirement condominium communities. Some of the commercials show all the amenities but I have yet to see one that has a bar. The way I see it, the idea behind retirement is to lay back and enjoy the good life, not play bingo. I want a community that has a bar and grill, a casino and a sign on the wall stating that there is a $100 fine for anyone over 60 walking around naked.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said, "I do, why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?" The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to left your Injun running."

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won first prize!"

That's it for today my little furry friends. Remember the true way to soften one's troubles is to solace those of others. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Brother Kirt said...

My condolences to John and his family...

Rose said...

OMIG.....I was enjoying your post until I came to the part of Garnett's wife.

I'm off to his site now to express my condolences. Thank you for letting me know.

Hugs, Rose

Senorita said...

My condolences to your friend.

While what you write may be true, I am still happy being female. I wouldn't trade my long hair, feminine curves or shoes/clothes/makeup/bellydance costumes for anything.

As a woman, I am not scared of dirty bathrooms, and consider myself to be a light packer.

Paula said...

Well all I got to say is you guys are lucky you don't have to sit to pee in those yucky public restrooms. My heart bleeds for Johnny G. He has had more then his share of sadness but has remained a good friend through journals and blogs.

garnett109 said...

(wiping tears from my face)
Thank you Jimmy

Joann said...

Jimmy, I didn't get online yesterday (except for a few minutes before church), so reading your journal is how I learned about John's Debbie. I feel SO bad for him. Thanks for letting us know in your blog. I went right over.

Beautiful pics too!!

Julie said...

Oh gosh, I have spent many a frantic drive looking for a non icky bathroom. Men are so lucky. Loved your post. So sad about Debbie. I stopped and wished him well, What a shock.