Friday, July 31, 2009

This Bud's For You !

On Thursday evening, President Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley, the policeman who arrested him, sat down together on the White House to have a beer and discuss the incident. Prior to the meeting, the White House reported that Obama had selected Budweiser Light (Bud Light), Gates selected a Red Stripe (a Jamaican beer) and Crowley asked for a Blue Moon (a Belgian-style wheat beer also known as white ale).

The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House. The problem was quickly remedied when President Obama arrived, checked Gates ID and the meeting continued.

The beer summit went well and I have the official beer tally. President Obama and Sgt. Crowley stayed with their announced choices, but Professor Gates changed it up a bit and drank a Sam Adams Light.

Joe Biden, who joined the other three to equal things out racially, enjoyed a nonalcoholic brew called Buckler. Biden's choice of nonalcoholic beer delighted the president because Biden often sticks his foot in his mouth even when he's sober.

Each person remarked about his own choice of beer with the exception of Biden who was happy with whatever fit in his beer helmet. I understand the meeting went so well went so well that Biden had to go out twice for ice. The only other interruption in the beer party was when Obama stood up and announced that he had to take a presidential leak.

Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch InBev, now owned by a company headquartered in Belgium) was so happy with Obama's selection of Bud Light that they're changing its nickname from “The King of Beers” to the “The Martin Luther King of Beers.”

"Hey, come on....There's a beer party at the White House and we're late !"

This Date In History: 1777; The Continental Congress appoints the Marquis de Lafayette, a French volunteer soldier, a major general in the Continental Army at the age of 19. 1790; The new US Patent Office gives Samuel Hopkins the first US patent, for his process for making potash and pearl ashes. 1917; The World War I Battle of Passendale starts, a British offensive resulting in heavy losses on both sides. 1919; Germany adopts the Weimar Constitution, which provides the basis for government in the country until Adolf Hitler seizes power in 1933.

1941; German field marshal Hermann Göring sends a directive to Nazi security director Reynhard Heydrich, ordering him to prepare a "final solution to the Jewish question": the extermination of the Jews. 1991; US President George Bush and Russian President Mikail Gorbachev agree to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear warheads by a third, singing the Strategic Arms Reduction Treat (START) in Moscow.

Picture Of The Day: I thought that surely today's headlines would have a million pictures of last evening's beer summit at the White House, but it was really difficult to find a decent one. Nevertheless I dug deep down into my own archives to see what I could find. Fortunately, I have a complete file on beer and liquor and that made it easier.

Birthdays: Alessandro Algardi, sculptor 1595, Jean Dubuffet, painter 1901, Milton Friedman, economist 1912, Italian novelist, essayist, and scientist, a survivor of the Nazi extermination camp at Auschwitz-Birkenau 1919, Robert C. Merton, economist 1944, J. K. Rowling, British author 1965.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 2) My impromptu jaunt yesterday to AREA 51 is taking it's toll today. At the bar last night, the bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my ex-wife. 3) I never knew what real happiness was until I got married but by then, it was too late. 4) When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. 5) My friend joined a bridge club. He jumps off next Tuesday.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday. She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."

So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was. So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap. Then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." She told him that she would take it.

As she was getting the fishing pole rung up, she felt the sudden need to fart, really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose. The blind man looked up and says, "It all comes up to $85." Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70." He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole, $5 for the stink bait and $10 for the duck call."

A couple is skinny dipping in a lake and when they return to shore, they discover that pranksters have stolen their clothes and blanket. Embarrassed, the couple run to their car and began driving back to their home. The boyfriend is so busy trying to drive and console his nervous girlfriend that he crashes the car into a tree outside of a neighborhood bar and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

He tells his girlfriend to go inside the bar and get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe, cover your breasts with one hand, your pubic area with the shoe, and get help!

She takes the shoe and runs into the bar. Inside, the bar is almost deserted with the exception of the town drunk. She runs over to the drunk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The drunks replies, "I’m sorry lady, but I think he's too far in."

That's it for today my little gas passers. Thank God it's Friday and although I did slip into the night last evening for an impromptu Happy Hour with my pal Hector, I'll be heading to AREA 51 once again for Friday Happy Hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Men Are From Mars?

There's a book (and a concept) called "Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus." I did not read the book, nor did I find it necessary to do so. The concept, however, has generally seemed to be to be amusingly accurate. With that in mind, I give you the following thoughts.

Nicknames: If Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Julie, Paula, Joann and Martha. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Eating Out: and when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in a $20 bill, even though the total bill is only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Bathrooms: A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Arguments: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Shoes: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

Dressing Up: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Laundry: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about twenty years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Offspring: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dental appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Stupidly (adjective): Slow of mind : obtuse b) Given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner c) Lacking intelligence or reason : brutish. d) An adjective made more popular after its use by an American president. Example: Barack Obama stupidly made remarks about a local arrest involving Harvard Professor Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department without having all the facts.

President Obama has scheduled a "meeting" of the three for Thursday evening at a picnic table on the white House lawn. Obama phoned Crowley, who suggested the three men sit down for a beer at the White House. The president said he liked the idea, and Gates reportedly concurred when Mr. Obama phoned him next.

Personally I think it's a good idea and no matter what the outcome, it will make great fodder for future posts. As to the choice of beers, my guess that Professor Gates would be a Stella Artois man and Sgt. Crowley might like a Budweiser. As for the prez, Red Stripe, a Jamaican beer would fit his personality well. "Podium Al" Sharpton wasn't invited, but they'll have a case of Schlitz Malt Liquor just in case he jumps the fence. We'll see....Does anyone have any beer suggestions?

This Date In History: 1848; During the Potato Famine in Ireland, a nationalist rebellion led by William Smith O'Brien is crushed, and O'Brien arrested. 1890; Dutch painter Vincent Van Gogh dies at the age of 47, two days after shooting himself. 1958; US President Dwight Eisenhower signs legislation creating the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA). 1968; In his encyclical Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI reaffirms the traditional Roman Catholic ban on artificial contraception.

1981; Britain's Prince Charles marries Lady Diana Spencer in an internationally televised ceremony in Saint Paul's Cathedral in London. 1992; Former East German leader Erich Honecker returns to Berlin to face charges in the deaths of people attempting to cross the Berlin Wall during his time in office. The charges are later dropped.

Picture Of The Day: I couldn't decide between the procrastination pictures and the Obamagate picnic, so I put both them both. My pal, Nancy always says I'm eclectic so I figured so, what the hell...

My prize find on my Internet picture search is this picture of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton at a picnic table. I assume that the upcoming "beer party" will be a piece of cake for the prez. I wonder where he's going to put his teleprompters?

Birthdays: Benito Mussolini, founder of Fascism and Prime Minister and dictator of Italy (1922-1943) 1883, Dag Hammarskjöld, UN secretary general 1905, Paul Taylor, choreographer and dancer 1930, Ryutaro Hashimoto, former Prime Minister of Japan 1937, Ken Burns, filmmaker 1953.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In today's day and age of the two car family with a great number of kids borrowing the car and with a cell phones in every pocket, I guess the phrase of my day, "You don't have wheels?" will never be understood. 2) My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. 3) A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. 4) I've noticed since everyone seems to have a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to 5) If you want your lady to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer replied, "Yep!" The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

The young cowboy said, "That’s great! Got any more tips for me?" The old man said, "Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw" The young cowboy asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "You bet!". The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

The cowboy said, "I’m learninsomethin’ here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner and said, "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

The old-timer said, "No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." The young cowboy asked, "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" The old-timer said, "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much!"

A tour bus in Egypt stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists were shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel and says, "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's balls in his hand, and raises them up and down. and says, "It's about 2:00."

The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's balls!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens. It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story.

Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's balls. Now, lift them up in the air and look underneath at the other side of the courtyard and check the big clock on the wall."

That's it for today my little cowpokes. It is Hump Day and there's a good chance I'll be heading to AREA 51 for happy hour. Remember that he who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. More On Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, July 27, 2009

Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady

In the world of men and women, men do not have the same luxuries that women have. For one thing, women have the advantage of using makeup, high heels and various undergarments to enhance themselves. I suppose that men could use these things as well, and I've seen some prissy ones that do, but for the most part, with man, what you see is what you get. The bottom line with men is that once you have judged a man on a scale from one to ten, chances are he won't get any uglier.

Women, on the other hand, have two faces.....with makeup and without makeup. One of my favorite things is encountering beautiful women at social events or nightclubs and enjoying their company. They go through a hell of a lot of trouble to make themselves lovely and exciting. Therein lies the problem, especially for younger men.

Should man be fortunate enough to meet a women and, for some reason, she decides to takes things to the next level, a certain state of confusion will certainly follow. You see, when a woman decides she's ready to spend the night with a man, the man needs to be prepared to meet the other woman......sooner or later.

One evening, years ago, I went home with the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. The next morning, I was awakened by the sound of someone singing in my shower. Since I am not a morning person, especially after an evening with my spiritual advisor, Johnnie Walker Black, it took me a few minutes to put two and two together.

The shower and the singing abated and about five minutes later, a rather plain, short, small breasted little woman who I had never seen in my life came out of my bathroom. I'm thinking, "What the hell? Maybe the girl I was with last night brought her girlfriend home as well. Hell, I don't know... I consumed enough scotch last night that I don't have any idea as to who came home with me."

She came to my bedside, leaned over and kissed me. She said, "Let's go have breakfast. I'll be ready in a minute." She went back into the bathroom and I went to the bar and poured myself a scotch. I figured I'd make the best of it with "plain Jane" but I certainly needed a scotch to complete the task.

I was sitting in my easy chair, sipping my second scotch, when I heard the bathroom door open. As I turned around, a tall, breathtakingly exquisite woman strolled toward me and said, "Are you ready to go?" I found myself looking at her breasts and quickly averted my eyes.

I got up and went to the kitchen to get my keys and sunglasses, trying to make small talk as I tried to figure out how that "miracle" occurred. I wasn't sure where that plain little woman went, but I certainly wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

That was my first real lesson about what a slinky dress, a push-up bra, high heels and the use of makeup can do for a woman. How that woman made the transition I'll never know. As we were leaving for breakfast, though, I did stop to look in the bathroom to see if that short, plain, small breasted girl was hiding in there, but..........

Free Coffee: McDonald’s is offering one free 7-ounce iced mocha or 8-ounce hot mocha every Monday from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. until August 3. No coupon needed, but the offer is at "participating locations" only.

This Date In History: 1694; The Bank of England is founded by Parliament with capital of £1.2 million to fund the siege of Namur in the Spanish Netherlands. William Pateson is appointed the first governor. 1866; An operation organized by American financier Cyrus West Field completes the first Atlantic cable allowing regular telegraph communication between the United States and Europe.

1921; In search of a treatment for diabetes, Canadian physiologists Sir Frederick Banting and Charles Best are the first to isolate the hormone insulin. 1940; Bugs Bunny makes his film debut in the Warner Brothers cartoon, "A Wild Hare," directed by Tex Avery.1953; The United Nations, North Korea, and China sign an armistice agreement ending the Korean War and creating a demilitarized buffer zone between North and South Korea. South Korea refuses to sign the accord.

Picture Of The Day: Women......they come in a delightful array of shapes and sizes, virtually incomparable to any other living species. As to their minds, only the supreme being who took a rib from man for their creation really knows. Sometimes I think if God did that with just one rib, I wonder what would have come to pass if he had taken more?

It's probably a good thing that he only took a rib because if he had taken more, methinks men would have ended up being the ones to go through periods, childbirth, menopause and osteoporosis.

You'd think there would have been thousands of selections of beautiful graphics on the Internet, but, oddly enough, it was rather difficult to find any shots that interested me.

Birthdays: It's not until tomorrow, but Happy Birthday to my pal from Texas, Paula 19XX, Charlotte Corday, French patriot and assassin 1768, Alexandre Dumas fils, playwright and novelist 1824, Giosuè Carducci, poet 1835, Hilaire Belloc, writer 1870, Ernst von Dohnányi, composer and pianist 1877, Jack Higgins (Harry Patterson), English novelist 1929.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that Pringles were originally supposed to manufacture tennis balls. Then, one day, they were accidentally delivered a truckload of potatoes and they thought...what the hell... 2) I saw a couple having dinner one evening and the man stood up and said, "I want to make a birthday toast the best woman a man ever had." Two guys at the bar and the waiter agreed and joined him. 3) I was having a brief conversation with a young guy with a college degree in Liberal Arts. He interrupted me to ask, "Do you want fries with that?" 4) Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 5) I'm having a lot of fun recording some of my favorite songs with my new music program. So, watch out, I've been emailing some of my recordings to some of my pals (whether they wanted them or not).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

My friend went to see his psychiatrist last week and told him that he keeps thinking about suicide. The psychiatrist told him that from then on he would have to pay in advance.

Three men were playing a round of golf, Moses, Jesus, and an old bearded man. They get to the 18th hole and Moses gets to tee-off first; he hits his ball into the water. Next up is Jesus, and he does the same as Moses, hits it right into the water. Next up is the old man and he hits it right into the water with Moses and Jesus. All three approach the edge of the pond.

Moses walks up a little closer, throws his arms high into the air and the water of the pond begins to part down the middle. He walks down to his ball, hits it out of the pond and into the hole. Next up, Jesus walks out onto the water and his ball floats up to the surface, so he hits his ball off of the water into the hole.

The old man decides he will try something cool so he walks into the water and hits his ball, which flies out of the water, hits a bird, bounces off a tree, then gets deflected off the pin and hits a rabbit then bounces into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says," I hate it when your father plays!"

That's it for today my little chicken wings. Remember that being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, July 24, 2009

A State Of Mental Vegetation

Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., was arrested last Thursday afternoon at his home by Cambridge police investigating a possible break-in. The incident raised concerns among some Harvard faculty that Gates was a victim of racial profiling. Police arrived at Gates’s Ware Street home near Harvard Square at 12:44 p.m. to question him. Gates, director of the W.E.B. Du Bois Institute for African and African American Research at Harvard, had trouble unlocking his door after it became jammed.

He was booked for disorderly conduct after “exhibiting loud and tumultuous behavior,” according to a police report. Gates accused the investigating officer, Sgt. James Crowley, of being a racist and told him he had "no idea who he was messing with,'' the report said. Gates told the officer that he was being targeted because "I'm a black man in America.''

Here we go! Let's blow this out of all proportion. Let's not wait until we hear the full story, bring on the Al Sharpton circus. No.....wait! Let's bring on the leader of the free world, the man who knows everything about everything. Here come 'da prez.

I kind of thought that Barack Obama had his hands full spending every single dollar left in the Treasury, while, at the same time, trying to burden the economy with a trillion dollar national health care system (hopefully doomed to failure).

Nope! It seems that 'da prez has enough time to interrupt his national health care speech on national television to give his opinion about a local problem. What a guy!

Now I'm sure a man of Gates' stature was angered by being questioned by the responding officers. By the same token, I'm sure that the police, while investigating a break-in, would be correct in demanding proof of identification. Since all the facts are not in, it is purely speculation as to what actually transpired, a point that Obama should have taken into consideration before giving his opinion on national television.

My guess is that both Gates and Sgt. Crowley could have both been a little more civil with each other. As for Gates, I'm sure that very few police officers, both black and white, would have any idea who he was. As for Crowley, a little more patience with a tired old man returning from a trip would have probably been a better idea. As for Obama, he should concentrate in continuing to screw up America and leave the opinions to the pundits and bloggers.

Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died Tuesday evening at the age of 15. Gidget suffered a massive stroke at her trainer's home in Santa Clarita and had to be euthanized. Although she was hard of hearing, Gidget was otherwise in good health up to the day of her death, eating well and playing with her favorite squeaky toys at the home of trainer Sue Chipperton.

Gidget was seen as a male dog who appeared in the Taco Bell commercials in the 90's. Her famous line, through the magic of special effects and a voice actor, proclaimed, "Yo quiero Taco Bell."

This Date In History: 1704; Gibralta is captured by English and Dutch forces during the War of the Spanish Succession. 1911; American Explorer Hiram Bingham leads the expedition into the largely forgotten Incan city of Machu Picchu. 1925; Six-year-old Patricia Cheeseman is the first person to be successfully treated for diabetes with insulin, while a patient at Guy's Hospital in London.

1959; Vice President Richard Nixon, while visiting a model kitchen in a US exhibition in Moscow, holds an impromptu debate with Soviet premier Nikita Khrushchev about the merits of communism and capitalism. 1974; The US Supreme Court rules that President Richard Nixon must turn over his tapes of White House conversations regarding the Watergate scandal to Special Prosecutor Leon Jaworski.

Picture Of The Day: I've been wanting to run this picture for the longest time but it never seemed to fit the theme of the day. It still doesn't fit unless you remember the old church song, "Jesus Loves The Little Children." Think about it.... red and yellow...... Ok, it's a stretch.

Birthdays: Simón Bolívar, South American revolutionary, military leader, and politician 1783, Alexandre Dumas père, novelist and playwright 1802, Ernest Bloch, composer 1880, Amelia Earhart, aviator 1897, Vitliano Brancati, Italian screenwriter 1907, Gus Van Sant, American film director 1952.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Yogurt is not now and will not ever be a substitute for ice cream 2) I've been trying to figure out why is there is an expiration date on sour cream. 3) I'm prone to talk back to the television and sometimes I have noticeably loud outbursts of anger when I hear something stupid. Most of the time there's no one here to witness this reaction except Shithead and he normally agrees with me. 4) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 5) I'm pretty sure the reason they call it Premenstrual Syndrome is because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A chemistry instructor wanted to teach his ninth grade class about the evils of liquor, so he created an experiment to make the point. Producing two glasses and two small worms, he first poured a small amount of water into one of the glasses. Putting in the first worm, he asked the class to observe it carefully. Of course, the worm swam about happily, or as happy as a worm can be.

Then he took the second glass, poured in a small amount of whiskey and dropped in the remaining worm. This worm writhed around painfully and sank to the bottom of the glass dead. The teacher said to the class, "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" A kid in the back said, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

At the urinal, An accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Texas and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" The guy said, "Well, you see, I am a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cannot help practicing my art!"

The man replied, "That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I'm an attorney and I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember that never, under any circumstance, is it okay to wear socks with sandals.... Happy Hour in AREA 51 is sending me mental emails. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Pull My Finger

I don't know what age I was when my father first did the the old "pull my finger" trick, but I'll never forget the tears of laughter that streamed down his face. Being rather young, my first reaction was how did he do the trick. My second reaction (and my first lesson) was the trick came with a rather unpleasant aroma that even offended the family dog.

I'm unsure if many females ever had that particular trick played on them, but in the case of men and boys, it's a tradition that's passed down from generation to generation. As a strong believer in family tradition, I, too, passed this tradition on to my son, Kevin, at a tender age and he just thought that it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.

Being quick to learn, Kevin soon perfected the art of the trick and proceeded to play it on his mother, sisters and anyone else young or naive enough to fall for it. Naturally, every time he pulled the trick, all eyes were immediately directed at me. Of course, I feigned complete innocence, alluding that it was probably something he learned at school. I always stuck to that story and I don't think anyone ever believed me.

If you want to know how bad the U.S. economy really is, a good indication might be that in 2008, the number of Mexicans apprehended by the U.S. Border Patrol (662,000) was 40 percent below the peak of 1.1 million in 2004, reflecting in part the sharp decline in the number of new immigrants arriving into the U.S.

Mexico is the origin of most U.S. immigrants, accounting for one-third of foreign-born residents and two-thirds of Hispanic immigrants. About one in 10 people born in Mexico now live in the United States.

The total number of apprehensions by the Border Patrol in 2008 (724,000) was at the lowest level since 1973. More than 90 percent of people detained by Border Patrol are Mexican.

So, the next time you feel overwhelmed by the failing economy, you can always look for the brights spots. Of course you may have to cut your own lawn and pick your own fruits and vegetables, but what the hell....

On May 5, 2009 in a Financial Services Committee question and answer session with Inspector General of the Federal Reserve Elizabeth A. Coleman, Florida congressman Alan Grayson (Dem-Orlando) asked about the trillions of dollars lent or spent by the Federal Reserve and where it went, and the trillions of off balance sheet obligations. The Inspector General responded that she does not know and is not tracking where this money is. The exchange was posted on YouTube, receiving over 900,000 views in the first two months after posting.

Grayson is a member of the Congressional Progressive Caucus, consisting of 70 liberal House members plus Vermont Senator Bernard Sanders.

The Federal Reserve apparently can't account for $9 trillion in off-balance sheet transactions because they are inept, non-caring and well paid and that's the real reason why nobody at the Fed seems to have any idea what the losses on its $2 trillion portfolio really are. This story was brought to my attention by my pal, Victor, and is a prime example of the uninformed, ignorant spending and lack of follow-up by our government. I really don't think I can handle much more change.

Now, Obama wants another one trillion plus medical package for the 45 million Americans(?) that don't have medical insurance? Who are the 45 million? I doubt if they are tax-paying Americans that have to work for a living!

Odds And Ends: Rapper Chris Brown must be taking lessons from the Obama presidential campaign speeches. In his televised public "apology" to singer and ex-girlfriend Rihanna for beating her up, he read his statement from a teleprompter and lied like a dog. Brown copped a plea for the felony and will receive five years probation and community service. I'm doubt this sentence will set much of an example for men who abuse women. On the contrary, the message seems to be if you have enough money........

This Date In History: 1917; Aleksandr Kerensky is named prime minister of the Russian Provisional Government established after the overthrow of Tsar Nicholas II. He only lasts in office until the Bolshevik revolution that autumn. 1933; In his monoplane, the Winnie Mae, American aviator Wiley Post completes the first solo around-the-world flight. The flight takes him 7 days, 18 hr, 49 min.

1943; The Italian city of Palermo is captured by the Allied forces. 1977; The Chinese Communist Party expels the “Gang of Four,” who had tried to seize power after the death of Mao Zedong. Deng Xiaoping is reinstated as deputy premier. 1986; Members of the British parliament vote against corporal punishment in state schools.

Picture Of The Day: Wonders of the world which struck my fancy are, from top to bottom, Milford Sound, New Zealand, Great Barrier Reef, Australia, El Yunque, Puerto Rico and Puerta Princessa, Phillipines. Aside from being beautiful, they have absolutely nothing to do with today's entry, Now, pull my finger!

Birthdays: Edward Hopper, painter 1882, Alexander Calder, American sculptor 1898, James Whale, motion-picture director 1886, George Clinton, singer and bandleader 1941, S. E. Hinton, American author 1948.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never trust a naked bus driver. 2) A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 3) My cat, Possum, has a new secret hiding place and I have no idea where it is. 4) I have no idea how today's entry became so long, but I had to write it, so you have to read it. 5) This politically correct thing is really getting out of hand. Now you have to refer to blondes with limited intelligence as a light-haired detour off the information superhighway.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals, Garnett and Victor, for their contributions to today's stories.

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a real man you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself.

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however." Running doe asks, "Oh, what is that, Doctor?" The doctor said, "Well, you have no nipples." She replied, "None of the people in my tribe have nipples."

The doctor said, "That is amazing. "I'd like to write this up for The Montana Journal of Medicine if you don't mind. First of all, how many people are in your tribe?" She answered, "Approximately 500." The doctor asked, "And what is the name of your tribe?" Running Doe replied, "We're called "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred."

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across the Pecos High Bridge in Texas one day. As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to (means 'getting ready to' in Texas ) jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

The man said, "Mom and Dad are both dead, I'm going to jump." She said, "Well, think of your wife and children. "He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo!" He replied, ''What's the Alamo?'' She replied, ''Well, bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, Yankee.''

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "He wants your underwear!"

That's it for today my little sunflowers. Remember that it's best to always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !