Monday, April 2, 2012

ShamWow Vince Is Back - Oy Vey !

Offer "Vince" Shlomi, also known as the "ShamWow!" Guy is back hawking the "Schticky", a reusable lint roller that comes in three sizes and priced at... (wait for it) ...only $19.95. Such a deal! Vince hasn't been in any new commercials for around two years.

On February 7, 2009, Offer was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida on a charge of felony battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute. Offer contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go." Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual.

ShamWow Vince and Billy Mays were probably two of the most obnoxious people of the infamous "only $19.95" commercials but at least Mays had the decency to die of a cocaine overdose.

But, wait! That's not all. One of the newer scams, "Max My Speed" and "My Clean PC" commercials, are all rip offs. There are many different names but anything remotely related to speeding up your PC is a scam. Your computer's speed can be improved simply by occasionally deleting cookies and erasing browser history. Anything else requires an upgrade.

In short, beware of any commercial on television that: 1) The price is $19.95. 2) Contains the phrase, "But wait! There's more." 3) Claims "Two for the same price - just pay separate shipping and handling charges" (which, oddly enough, is around $19.95). 4) "We'll sent you one for free". No they won't! They'll send you one free if you pay shipping and handling and sign up for the service.

Besides the usual crap that's hawked at night, it's even worse between 2am and 5am. The television is full of infomercials and the always amusing hooker commercials, id est, every hack attorney ever seen and scores of "Love Line" connections. Coincidence?

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi recently had a birthday. They had a huge surprise party for her. Actually, it was a regular party, she just always looks surprised.

Dick Cheney's new heart is said to be performing well. It looks like all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchback have paid off.

A New York City madam claims that John Edwards was a customer in her brothel. You hear that kind of thing and it really makes you lose respect for prostitutes, doesn't it?

This Date In History: 1513; Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in Florida. 1792; Congress authorized the first U.S. mint, in Philadelphia. 1865; Confederate president Jefferson Davis and most of his cabinet fled the Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia.

1870; Victoria Claflin Woodhull announced her candidacy for president of the United States. 1917; President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany. 1932; Charles Lindbergh paid a $50,000 ransom for the return of his kidnapped son. 1982; Argentina seized the Falkland Islands from Britain. 2005; Pope John Paul II died.

Picture Of The Day: Keith Olbermann fired........again!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I narrowly missed winning the Mega Millions lottery by six numbers.2) I got up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." 3) I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol. 4) Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 5) Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 2nd: The morning might be a bit slow for you but things will pick up in the afternoon. A couple of beers and you're good for the evening. Remember, I said a couple of beers. Remember what happen the last time you did a six pack. It wasn't pretty. Chance of romance is good and if you stick to the plan, it may be an interesting evening. Don't trust rhe tattooed woman with the wig.....

Birthdays: Hans Christian Andersen, writer 1805, Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi, sculptor of Statue of Liberty 1834, Émile Zola, novelist 1840, Max Ernst, painter 1891, Alec Guinness, actor 1914, Georgie Anne Geyer, foreign correspondent 1935, Marvin Gaye, singer, songwriter 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. An old drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I just love ballerinas."

The woman stares at the drunk and replies angrily, "I'm not a ballerina!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

A guy is walking around in a supermarket yelling, "Cris-co, Cris-co?" A store clerk says to him, "Sir, the Crisco is in Aisle Five." He says, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I'm calling my wife." The clerk says, "Your wife is named Crisco'?" He says, "No, I only call her that in public." The clerk says, "What do you call her when you're home?" He says, "Lard ass."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called out, "What've you got in your truck?" The farmer replied, "Horseshit." Confused, the little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer answered, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

A woman comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what she wanted it for. She answered, "I want to kill my husband." The pharmacist replied, "Sorry Ma'am, but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The woman reaches into her purse and produces a photo of her husband. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest man he has ever seen and replies, "I am sorry Ma'am, let me get it for you. I didn't realize you had a prescription."

That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember, take your medications before posting to FaceBook. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Hey, I enjoyed the whole entry, but this one, the tops was the photos.
I am partial to the one of Bill autographing his book, but why didn't the photographer as the girl to get out of the way?

Some things just confuse an old man! And besides what does that mean, a Piece of Elephant?

Dang it Jimmy, have a good evening where ever you end up!!!

Rose said...

A piece of the Elephant??????

Explain that one to me too! LOL

Paula said...

Good entry even if I am late reading it.