Monday, April 1, 2013
The Monday after Easter is the only day of the year that I have an aversion to deviled eggs and egg salad. Of course, chocolate always has an exemption and is a permanent vice for me.
Be that as it may, I hope everyone had a Happy Easter Sunday. I always have fond memories of Easter including the fact that my mother made me an Easter basket every year until her illness and subsequent death.
I always looked forward to my Easter basket and was ribbed quite often for my continual yearly Easter basket. Said jesters were never given any chocolate from my basket although I did offer an occasional licorice jelly bean.
Today is Dyngus Day, a Polish holiday celebrated the day after Easter. Upon reading how it is celebrated, I decided it was better if you just check it out on the Internet as some of the customs seem a bit strange. Nevertheless, Happy Dyngus Day.
The News As I See It: North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people?
Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell....and Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies.
The Pennsylvania Game Commission has charged a man with going deer hunting with a handgun in a Wal-Mart parking lot. He is being charged with reckless endangerment, but may plead guilty to the lesser charge of being a redneck.
Hunting in a Wal-Mart parking lot. That’s got to be some good eating.....a deer that lives on leftover Twizzlers and Mountain Dew.
When you go in for a job interview, It's always a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
This Date In History: 1789; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first Speaker of the House of Representatives. 1933; The Nazi persecution of Jews began in Germany with a boycott of Jewish businesses.
1945; American forces landed on Okinawa during World War II. 1960; The first U.S. weather satellite, TIROS-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral. 1970; President Nixon signed a bill into law banning cigarette ads from radio and television.
1976; Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs founded Apple Computer. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini proclaimed the establishment of the Islamic Republic of Iran. 2001; Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic arrested on corruption charges.
2003; Pvt. Jessica Lynch was rescued by U.S. commandos in a raid on an Iraqi hospital. 2004; President Bush signed the "Laci Peterson" bill making it a separate federal crime to harm a fetus during an attack on the mother.
Picture Of The Day: I have no idea what it is. I just like the colors.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. 2) Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. 3) Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 4) There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house. 5) Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 1st: Changing your lifestyle and underwear is a good way to start the week. Avoid making love in cramped places. Half of what I say is meaningless, the other half is pure gold. It's up to you to glean the gold.
Birthdays: My sweet Nicole - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, William Harvey, physician 1578, Otto von Bismarck, statesman 1815, James Fisk, financial speculator 1834, Edmond Rostand, poet 1868, Toshiro Mifune, actor 1920, Milan Kundera, writer 1929, Debbie Reynolds, singer, dancer, actress 1932.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."
He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours -- but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and said, "Barbender, I would like a Martuni." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. She then said, "Barbender, I would like another Martuni." Again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She said, "Barbender, your Martunis are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, I'm a a bartender and what you have been drinking is not a Martuni, but a Martini and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Butch and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing." The priest asks, "What do they say?" The lady says, "They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'" The priest exclaims, "That's obscene!"
Then he thought for a moment. The priest said, "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that in no time." The woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, "Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
Jake received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.
Jake tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jake put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. Jake was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said, "Jake, I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
Jake was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Linda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50. She asked the pet store owner, Why so cheap?" The owner replied, "This bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." Linda thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." Linda was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Harry, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Harry."
That's it for today, my April fools. Remember, if you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !