Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Have Yourself Waxed "Down There" - Your Socks Will Slide On Easier
Although I have no need (make that desire) to wax any part of my body, I have recently come to the conclusion that I will not do so even if it was needed or prescribed. You may ask how I arrived at that conclusion.
I recently had a sizable bandage on inside of my thigh an I was advised by my doctor that it should remain there for about 4-5 days. The doctor said I should remove it on the morning of the fifth day, which was yesterday.
Sunday morning, I prepared to remove the bandage and it was a bit stuck. I carefully moved and prodded the bandage to loosen it up but to no avail. There seemed to be quite a number of hairs stuck to the bandage.
Then, I remembered my father always telling me that the easiest and fastest way was merely to grab the end of the bandage and rip it off (Time has a way of erasing painful childhood memories).
I grabbed the end of the bandage, took a deep breath and let 'er rip. Pain! I was so blinded by the pain that I didn't notice my cat wildly running away from me. Perhaps he ran because of the multitude of loudly spewing curse words (good old standbys and a few that I made up on the spot).
As the pain subsided and I finished wiping the tears from my eyes, I could only think about women who pour hot wax on their bikini region once or twice a week, then rip out the hair by it's roots. You'll excuse the expression, but that takes balls! Yet, these are the same women who are afraid of spiders. I'm just happy that my only job is to get rid of the spiders.....
The News As I See It: Happy birthday to Israel. The country of Israel turned 65. Now that it's 65, Israel plans to retire and move to Florida.
Dennis Rodman claims the FBI wants to hire him as an informant. That makes sense because the first thing you want to do is to tell everyone you're an FBI informant.
A brewery in Japan has introduced a beer made from elephant dung. How do you market something like that? “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I make sure it comes from an elephant's butt.”
This Date In History: 1790; Benjamin Franklin, U.S. patriot, diplomat, and a signer of the Declaration of Independence, died in Philadelphia. 1895; The Sino-Japanese War ended with the signing of the Treaty of Shimonoseki.
1937; Daffy Duck made his debut in Porky's Duck Hunt. 1961; Supported by the U.S. government, 1,500 exiles made the unsuccessful Bay of Pigs invasion in Cuba.
1964; Geraldine Mock became the first woman to fly solo around the world. 1969; Sirhan Sirhan was convicted for the murder of Robert F. Kennedy.
1970; The Apollo 13 astronauts safely splashed down after their near-disastrous flight. 1975; Phnom Penh fell to the Khmer Rouge, ending the five year Cambodian war.
Picture Of The Day: "You gonna eat all that ice cream?"
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying that the girl I met last Friday was slow, but she thought Gazpacho was Pinocchio's father. 2) Deja Vu is not when you think you're doing something you've done before. It's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends. 3) They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck. 4) I don't have a beer gut. I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. 5) Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 17th: Cheating is going to occur within the next day, although it is unsure who is at fault. It could actually, just be in a poker game. You may be caught out this week. This is not the first time. You must really be careful in future. Seek comfort in clothing.
Birthdays: My pals Ben and Howard - Happy Birthday guys 19XX, J. P. Morgan, financier 1837, Isak Dinesen, author 1885; Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Communist leader, premier of the USSR (1958–64) and first secretary of the Communist party of the Soviet Union (1953–64) 1894, Thornton Wilder, playwright 1897.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama got off a helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, Sir."
Obama replies, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Illinois Porkers. I got one for my wife and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
An American and a Russian were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
The American nodded in acknowledgment As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you get out of that hold?" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
The trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off?" The American replied, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells....."Supplies!!"
That's it for today, my little chocolate kisses. Remember, to err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. Time to take a trip over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !