Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Leno's Out - Jimmy Fallon To Host "The Tonight Show"
Jay Leno and NBC are calling quits and Jimmy Fallon is taking his place. The change is scheduled to occur in February. I'm a bit torn with the change because I didn't like Leno's power play to usurp then "Tonight Show" host Conan O'Brien and regain his old position. Leno's ratings went down after the unscrupulous move and he never really recovered.
On the other hand, Leno is willing to jokes about anything or anyone (as it should be) up to and including Obama. Word has it that the left leaning, liberal NBC wasn't too fond of Leno's jokes about Obama.
Nevertheless, that's Karma and payback's a bitch. In the interim, Leno and NBC have buried the proverbial hatchet and we'll see how things go with Jimmy Fallon.
The News As I See It: The Associated Press, the largest news gathering outlet in the world, will no longer use the term "illegal immigrant." They will now use the phrase "Undocumented Democrat."
North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. You can see they're stepping it up. In fact, they released 10 more photos of Kim Jong Un looking through binoculars.
Obama recently shot baskets at the White House and made only two shots out of 22. Even Dick Cheney was like, "That guy needs to learn how to shoot." Obama went only two for 22. It’s tough times for Obama. One minute, he’s asking Congress to raise the debt ceiling, the next, he’s asking them to lower the hoop.
Lifetime has canceled the TV show “America's Most Wanted.” Network executives made the decision after realizing the show was still on.
Obama asked Congress for $100 million to map the human brain. And believe me, if anybody needs a map to find their brain, it’s Congress.
Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy campaigning for open marriage.
Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially come out as a lesbian.
Happy birthday to former Vice President Al Gore, who just turned 65 years old. Sadly, he could not enjoy his party because he was so obsessed with how fast the ice cream was melting.
According to the United Nations, more people have working cellphones than have working toilets. Hey, so do most Carnival cruise ships.
This Date In History: 1860; First pony express service began. 1882 Outlaw Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, one of his own gang members, reportedly for a $10,000 reward. 1930; Ras Tafari became Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia.
1936; Bruno Hauptmann was electrocuted for the kidnapping and murder of the Lindbergh baby. 1948; President Truman signed the Marshall Plan, which would foster the recovery of war-torn Europe.
1974; "Super Tornado Outbreak" strikes 13 U.S. states. 1996 U.S. commerce secretary Ronald Brown died in plane crash in Croatia. 1996; Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was arrested. 2004; A suspect in Madrid's March bombings blew up himself and three others.
Picture Of The Day: Politics as usual.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life is better when you can share it with a friend who's just as sick and twisted as you. 2) When I was younger, I wanted a BMW. Now that I'm older, I don't need the "W." 3) Next week's clairvoyants meeting has been canceled due to unforeseen events. 4) The seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. 5) "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 3rd: This week will see a waning of your libido after your partner decides to shave their hair and start wearing dungarees and army boots to bed. Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink, preferably scotch. Remember to put on the underwear with the really strong elastic if you go out tonight.
Birthdays: My pals Barbie, Gene and Tim - Happy Birthday everyone 19XX, Washington Irving, American author and diplomat 1783, Mary Carpenter, educator 1807, William Marcy Tweed, politician 1823, Henry Robinson Luce, publisher 1898, Marlon Brando, actor 1924, Virgil "Gus" Grissom, astronaut 1926, Jane Goodall, ethnologist 1934, Eddie Murphy, actor 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there. Send him up here, immediately!" Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right! And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
The old man responds, "I'm 80 years old." The woman says. "80 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged.
As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" !
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!
That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember, give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
That's it for now. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !