Sharpen your pencils boys and girls, today's the day to pay Uncle Sambo. The deadline for taxes is April 15th at 12 midnight, so you still have a few hours to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.
Although nobody likes taxes, they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.
We've bailed out Wall Street, the banks and car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?
And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve the state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole sequester thing could be paid for.
Finally, the main things you need to know about taxes are to remember to sign your tax return and when you write your check, sign it and make it out to China.....
The News As I See It: According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, "Si." Thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country last week, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.
Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced the creation of a diversity task force. He said it’s time for baseball to begin letting in players who are not on steroids.
Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in and Joe Biden has said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, "Stop helping."
Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.
The Navy canceled Fleet Week due to the sequester budget cuts. Traditionally, every year, thousands of sailors dock in New York City and othe ports of call. If you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in. I hope Obama and his Memphis "soul mates" enjoyed the lavish party they threw at the "white" house which evidently wasn't included in the budget cuts.
This Date In History: 1755;
Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language.
Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet opened the first free American school for the deaf in Hartford, Conn.
In response to the attack on Fort Sumter three days earlier, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.
Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland on its maiden voyage after it struck an iceberg.
A paymaster and guard were murdered in Braintree, Massachusetts Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the crime.
Nazi concentration camp Bergen-Belsen was liberated by Canadian and British forces.
Jackie Robinson made his Brooklyn Dodger debut and scored the game-winning run. On April 15, 1997, his number, 42, was retired.
Ray Kroc acquired McDonald's and opened his first restaurant in Des Plaines, Ill., today the official McDonald’s Corporate Museum.
The 100th Boston Marathon was won by Moses Tanui of Kenya.
Cambodian despot Pol Pot, leader of the Khmer Rouge, died.
Picture Of The Day: That's the fact, Jack !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no child so bad that he or she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
2) One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. 3) I went to the doctor because of water on the knee and he said, "You're not aiming straight." 4) Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
5) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 15th: Temptation looms high over the agenda today as you suddenly notice that your colleague has rather a nice ass which appears to make you need to stare at it. You are disgusted with yourself today as yet again you miss an opportunity to resolve things between yourself and your lover. The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus arooo arooof." There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there, as well.
Birthdays: My pals John and Paula - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Leonardo da Vinci, Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer, and scientist 1452,
A. Philip Randolph
labor leader 1889,
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."
Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman who asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?"
The old man answered, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?" The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."
The old man replied, "Thank god, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. He said, "I've never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman replied, "Pepper!"
Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"
The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word."
Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say the "F" word?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"
That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, chocolate is the answer ! Who cares what the question is !
That's it for now. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !