Perfect Polly - A Pet For The Hard Of Understanding

Okay, I was amused when I first saw the "talking bass" some years ago in tv advertisements and, although I wouldn't buy one, I can see where someone might, especially as a joke. The motion activated bass turns its head towards a person, facing them and then wiggles its tail on its trophy plaque and sings songs, such as "Don't Worry, Be Happy".

Another little item, the "dancing flowers" that you see on some car dashboards are cute, as well. I always smile when I happen to pass by a car and see one on someone's dashboard.

Well, now they're (you should pardon the expression) hawking "Perfect Polly" and this one is a bit creepy. It's a motion-activated plastic parakeet that chirps, which I assume brings retirees all the joy of owning a real parakeet without the concerns of feeding or the subsequent mess.

Selling for $14.95, Perfect Polly is made in China. It's "so lifelike, it's the world's perfect pet" and it's real enough to fool grandma! Human companionship is overrated anyway.

The News As I See It: On Tuesday, Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria "a war," he is calling it a "limited military intervention", which sounds better than "potential endless quagmire." Barry cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the situation. That's when you know this is serious.

If Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government , he shouldn't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.
 
John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?

Does everyone have the new iPhone5 yet? You'd better get the new iPhone 5 because you're not going to see another one for three or four months.

Football is back. After seven months of waiting, last night's NFL season opener between the Ravens and the Broncos was actually delayed for 34 minutes because of lightning in the area. Apparently God said, "No Tebow? No football."

This Date In History: 1776; The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to the United States of America, from the United Colonies. 1850; California became the 31st state.

1893; President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House. 1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America.

1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created. 1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: This is the newest motion activated product on the market. Not the bass. The bass are real. It's the two dummies holding them that begin to brag when someone walks by.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support. 2) There are no absolutes in this world.....except vodka. 3) When you think about it, an octopus is just a wet spider. Where's my damn flippers? 4) My friend's daughter asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if she wasn't 20 and in college. 5) The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hit man you can trust.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: You have romance in your heart, but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, with the exception of any sphincters. See, you're already getting mentally prepared for a relationship. Try the new companion website for religious potato chip lovers. It's called Christian Pringles.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1737, William Bligh, British admiral of the famed mutinied ship, the Bounty 1754, Joseph Leidy, scientist 1823, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.
 

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe you'll do it several times a day."

The grandfather continued, "Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary."

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." The young man asked, "What's oral sex?"

Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'"

Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage."

He continued, "I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee into the toilet, throw my shoes on the floor, undress, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'Who's horny?!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so. I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection" The surgeon pauses for a moment then says, "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

That's it for today, my little pixie sticks. Remember, if you have a headache, eating a carrot can help, if you take two Advil right after it.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !