Monday, August 18, 2014
I'm Not Sure Noah Did It This Way
I took a break from building my ark today as, for some reason, the sun decided to shine. I fed the ark animals, whose only purpose is to crap all over the boat, and darted over to Publix to buy a few groceries, animal food and a ton of kitty litter.
From Publix, I went go over to the airport to get some bamboo shoots and eucalyptus leaves for the picky pandas and koala bears. I'm weeding out a few species, namely rats, cockroaches and mosquitos and Adam and Steve are on shaky ground.
I was going to buy supplies at Walmart, but there are some species there that are unidentifiable, so I skipped that amusement park.
By the time I got home, the rabbits had already multiplied and I didn't have the heart to toss them off the boat. The female cat and dog are both pregnant, so there's more heads to feed and take care of. I'm not taking in any birds or fish, They'll be able to take care of themselves.
Meanwhile, the neigbors are complaining about the animals and the city wants to see a copy of my plans and permits. The EPA has left three messages and Obama and the democrats want to know if I'm taking anyone from Chicago. Three Mexicans keep walking around the property with leaf blowers........!
Aw screw it! When the floods come, I'll take my cat and a case of Corona, put 'em on my bass boat, grab my rod and reel and let the buffalo chips fall where they may.....!
Today's Lesson: The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, has announced it is distributing the greatest number of free meals and food stamps ever.
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals."
Their reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves. This ends today's lesson.
The News As I See It: Obama is apparently back on speaking terms with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. I guess their disagreements over Israel have made their relationship somewhat complicated. But not as complicated as pronouncing the name, "Recep Tayyip Erdogan."
A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. That’s bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my jokes source.
This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service.
1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote.
1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published. 1963; James Meredith became the first African American to graduate from the University of Mississippi.
Picture Of The Day: Then again, when the sun does decide to come out in South Florida, thoughts of ark building are not a priority.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The reason that it is so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking is because those men already have boyfriends. 2) People sweat so that they don't catch fire while they're making love.
3) Last year, I had some problems with a department store, so I called the corporate offices. An operator answered and I explained my problem. She answered curtly, "Sir, you can dial directly. Now, just how can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. When I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"
4) I was getting on a plane to New York and I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York and send the other one to Los Angeles." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" 5) My doctor told me that the way to improve my sex life was exercise. He said to run two miles a day. Two weeks later I called the doctor. He asked, "How is your sex life since you have been running?" I said, "I don't know, I'm 28 miles away!".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 18th: Your natural instinct will be to find love in places where people are either inebriated or are known to be easy. However, many people find that a library is also a good place to pick up attractive people. Age of consent is something to bear in mind.
Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1857, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934, Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama took a jog near the White House and on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. One day, as he approached the corner, the hooker shouted from the curb, "Hey Barack, a hundred dollars!" Barack fired back, "No, ten dollars!"
This ritual between the prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by, she'd holler, "One hundred dollars" and he'd yell back, "No, ten dollars!"
One day, Michelle decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Barack suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $100 offer for all to hear (including Michelle) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Barack became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was - standing where she always did.
Barack tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executive. Then, from the sidewalk, she yelled, "Hey Barack, see what you get for ten bucks?"
Sam and Rachel are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Rachel, I was wondering...have you ever cheated on me?" Rachel replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
Sam says, "Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." Rachel replies, "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..." Sam says, "Three times? Well, when were they?"
Rachel says, "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" Sam said, "Oh, Rachel, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
Rachel said, "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?" Sam said, "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.
So, all right then, when was number 3?" Rachel replied, "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short.....?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel....."
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?"
His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."
That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, although you may think that Deja Vu is when you're doing something you've done before, it's really that God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !