Friday, August 29, 2014
Hello Labor Day Weekend !
Summer is ending, the Labor Day weekend is here and kids will soon be off to college. Don't worry parents, once they get their liberal arts degree, they'll be living back at home quicker than they can say, "You want fries with that?"
I'm looking forward to the long weekend as are many Americans who will enjoy the three day weekend before returning back Tuesday to being unemployed.
I love to cook during the long weekend, but I've had to change the menu because Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of chicken feet because they're "tainted". That's really going to really screw up my weekend barbecue.
I asked my Mexican neighbor if he wanted to come over for barbecue and he accepted. I asked him if they do barbecues in Mexico and he said, "No, the beans fall through the grill....."
The News As I See It: Burger King is moving to Canada. They bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton's. Financed by Warren Buffett, Burger King will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. After hearing this, Obama immediately took away Buffett's medal of freedom.
A study, published in JAMA Internal Medicine, found sildenafil, commonly known as Viagra, may increase a man's risk for melanoma by as much as 84 percent. What? Modern medicine finally invents fix-a-flat, some poor old bastard uses it and five minutes later his tire falls off? Holy Crap!
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?
This Date In History: 1533; Atahualpa, the last ruler of the Incas, was murdered as Francisco Pizarro completed his conquest of Peru. 1786; Shays's rebellion, an insurrection of Massachusetts farmers against the state government, began. 1842; The Treaty of Nanking was signed, ending the Opium Wars and ceding the island of Hong Kong to Britain.
1877; Brigham Young died in Salt Lake City, Utah. 1949; The U.S.S.R. tested their first atomic bomb. 1957 Strom Thurmond ended the longest filibuster in U.S. Senate history. He spoke for more than 24 hours against a civil rights bill; the bill passed. 1966; The Beatles played their last major live concert at Candlestick Park, California.
1991; The Supreme Soviet, the parliament of the U.S.S.R., suspended all activities of the Communist Party, bringing an end to the institution. 2005; Hurricane Katrina slammed into the U.S. Gulf Coast, destroying beachfront towns in Mississippi and Louisiana, displacing a million people, and killing more than 1,000.
Picture Of The Day: Back country, Gunnison Delta, Colorado.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. She said, "Really? Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling, she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." 2) My friend got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at him so loud, he nearly fell in.
3) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 4) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I rip off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 5) I was winning a Trivia competition last Saturday night until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently, the correct answer is Fiji.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 29th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. Go now, or forever hold your pee.
Birthdays: Jean Auguste Ingres, painter 1780; Ingrid Bergman, actress 1915; Charlie "Bird" Parker saxophone artist and musician 1920; Dinah Washington, singer 1924; Slobodan Milosevic, political leader 1941; Michael Jackson, pop musician 1958.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Mike for his contribution to today's stories.
A long time ago, a Jewish man was walking down the New Jersey boardwalk when he saw a sign in front of an attraction that read "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Being Jewish himself, his curiosity led him inside for the show.
When the curtains opened, there stood Herschel clad only in a bathrobe. He immediately open the robe and stood naked in front of the audience in all his glory. Herschel had the largest masculine equipment the old man had ever seen.
There was a wooden bench in front of Herschel and he put three large walnuts on it. He took his masculinity into his hands and he went "Whack! Whack! Whack!" and he smashed them into smithereens. The audience went wild with applause.
Twenty years later, the Jewish man was walking along the boardwalk and he saw the same sign, "Herschel the Magnificent Jew." Surprised, he went into the show and there stood Herschel in his bathrobe. He had not aged in all those years and he looked fantastic.
He put on the bench three coconuts, took off his bathrobe, took his masculinity into his hands and went "Whack! Whack! Whack and smashed the coconuts into smithereens.
After the show, the old man went backstage and asked, "Mr. Herschel, why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" Herschel replied, "Vell, my eyesight, it ain't vat it used to be....."
Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Washington, D.C. with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?"
Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks, "What's that position?"
The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, ‘Your sister likes this position too.’ Then, you try to hang on for 8 seconds."
That's it for today, my little buttercups. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice. I'll see you in AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !