Friday, August 22, 2014

There's More To Sex Than You Think

Sex is not the most important part of a relationship. It's afterwards when you're warm and naked, and you watch the sun come up through the windshield. You look in her good eye, help her strap on her leg and realize that you probably just screwed a pirate.

Speaking of getting screwed.....

Politicians, from Tiger Woods Obama, his asshole Chicago crony Attorney General Eric Holder, and Congress.....all the way down to local politicians in the cities and towns across America, have been reduced to spinning the truth to fit their needs and rarely address any point that doesn't conveniently serve their interests.

I can still recall some of the unmemorable, never changing speeches from past campaigns, to wit:

"My Fellow Americans: My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, congress, mayor, city council, dog catcher....whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard and car thief. If elected, I will cut your taxes, stop the war, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me in November."

This is the new politics of America. Insult the opponent and promise the voters anything, knowing full well that you're a lying thief and have no intentions of fulfilling any campaign promises. Be as vague as possible about your background and true self.

Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is found at the bottom of the ocean......

The News As I See It: Egypt's foreign ministry called for the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Talk about living in glass pyramids.

A man in Massachusetts was arrested this week for breaking into a family’s house after a night of drinking and passing out in their living room. Or as most people in Boston call that, “Uncle Mike's here.”

You can now buy booze at Starbucks. Apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off. So, I went to Starbucks about an hour ago. I had a vodka-cchino.

Summer is nearly over and the kids are back in school. If you're able, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they're out of.

This Date In History: 1642; The English Civil War began between supporters of King Charles I (Royalists or Cavaliers) and those of Oliver Cromwell (Roundheads). 1775 ; King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in open rebellion.

1846; The United States annexed New Mexico. 1851; The U.S. yacht America outraced the British Aurora off the English coast to win a trophy that became known as the America's Cup.

1902; Theodore Roosevelt became the first United States president to ride in an automobile. 1910; Korea was annexed by Japan after five years as a protectorate. 1989; Black Panther co-founder Huey P. Newton was shot to death in Oakland, Calififornia.

2003; Alabama's chief justice, Roy Moore, was suspended for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from the state courthouse. 2004; A version of Edvard Munch's painting The Scream was stolen in Norway. Another version had been stolen in 1994.

Picture Of The Day: Priorities.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've read about the danger and evils of drinking alcohol, so I gave up reading. 2) One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man is "That’s okay" which means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you’ll pay for your mistake. 3) I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world.

4) Older guys are now taking a new drug combination of Viagra and Doan's Pills. Using this concoction, the back won't peter out and the peter won't back out. 5) I despise protesters who riot and loot stores and I'd like to see them shot on sight. Nowadays, to be politically correct, you can't call them looters. You have to call them undocumented shoppers. I'd still shoot 'em on sight, but in a politically correct manner......and that's five !

Bonus sixth:  I had to quit taking iron supplements when I used Viagra. Every time I got an erection, I pointed north.

Today's HoroscopeLeo - August 22nd: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and trysts in mysterious places.

Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: Claude Debussy composer 1862, Jacques Lipchitz sculptor 1891, Dorothy Parker writer 1893, Henri Cartier-Bresson photojournalist 1908, John Lee Hooker blues musician 1917, Ray Bradbury writer 1920, Norman Schwarzkopf general 1934, E. Annie Proulx writer 1935, Bill Parcells football coach 1941, Tori Amos musician 1963.

Today's Cameron Diaz pictures are from her hit comedy movie, "The Counselor".

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

Starting with one of the first applicants, she said,  "I'm sure you can understand that in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

The job prospect answered, "Honest? Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

The counselor responded,  "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

The Newest Rage - Fatkinis
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies. "Wow! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year."

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an old and an old lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The man picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Up."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were hump or drown."

That's it for today, my little turtle doves. Remember, even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! I'll see you over in AREA 51 at happy hour.

Have a nice weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

In This date in History: funny you should mention King George. Here in Virginia there is a town named ‘King George’ we drove thru there not two hours ago while scouting the area for possible ‘HITS’, well, places to visit as documented shoppers.
Oh man, thanks for the hint about doans……
I see that guy in the car is very worried about what her feet are doing to his mirrors.
Good read. Enjoyed the jokes also…
From Colonial Beach, VA
Sherry & Jack
PS Boat or not Sherry has hearing aids!!!! (and extra batteries)SMILE