Friday, March 18, 2016
Have You Ever Had One Of Those Days?
Despite my best efforts, some days, things just go wrong. It happens to the best of us. Everything you touch seems to break or get screwed up. On these days, I try to pee with no hands, just in case.
My latest brilliant move was to drop the power steering cap into the bowels of the engine compartment. I had deliberately set the oil cap out of harm's way (me) and was replacing the power steering cap back on when it slipped from my hand.
After checking underneath the car to see if the cap had dropped straight through to the ground, I concluded that it was somewhere in the motor compartment. After feeling around, I located the cap but I could not get it out.
Fortunately, after making a few calls, my go-to car guy found a replacement cap and I replaced it on the power steering unit. The old cap still dwells somewhere in the motor compartment.
Folks, I play several musical instruments and have never been a klutz, but there are days when I should have remained in bed.....
The News As I See It: Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last Tuesday night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. Rubio told supporters, "We should have seen this coming" If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.
Seven-Eleven will hold its second annual "Bring Your Own Cup Day" where it will give customers a discounted Slurpee as long as they bring in any container resembling a cup. In a related story, Home Depot has sold out of trash cans.
This Date In History: 1584; Russian czar Ivan IV, or Ivan "The Terrible," died at age 53. 1766; After months of American protests, Britain repealed the Stamp Act. 1925; The most violent single tornado in U.S. history, the “Tri-State Tornado,” hit Missouri, Indiana, and Illinois, killing 689 people and injuring 13,000 others.
1963; The Supreme Court held in Gideon v. Wainwright that public defenders must be provided for indigent defendants in felony cases. 1965; Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov made the first spacewalk. 1967; The oil tanker Torrey Canyon was wrecked off the Cornish coast of England, spilling 919,000 barrels of oil into the sea.
1990; The biggest art theft in U.S. history occurs at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The works, including pieces by Vermeer and Rembrandt, were never recovered. 2004; A small asteroid made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded, only about 26,500 miles away. 2005; After a long legal battle, Terry Schiavo's feeding tube was removed. She died 13 days later.
Picture Of The Day: No comment
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm not saying that the girl I met last Friday was slow, but she thought Gazpacho was Pinocchio's father. 2) There is no child so bad that he or she can't be used as an income tax deduction. 3) I was once pulled over for drinking while driving. I accused them of "profiling", but I was wrong. As it turned out, they were stopping every car driving down that particular sidewalk. 4) After seeing enough episodes of "Cops", I know that you should avoid people with blurry faces. 5) If I had known the difference between antidote and anecdote, my friend Timmy would still be alive today. He got bitten by a rattlesnake and I read him humorous stories from Reader's Digest.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 18th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. The story of the tortoise and the hare will make you rethink things the coming week. Don't worry, the tortoise still wins because the hare doesn't read fairy tales.
Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain, statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932 F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, musician, actress 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"
The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the 'F' word."
Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say the 'F' word?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" The young man replied, "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks'" The pastor asked. "What happened?"
The young man said, "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
The pastor said, "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church." The young man said, "Yeah, I know. We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Head Gardner at the White House has been fired. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service to many US Presidents.
In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence, Mr. Whitey, an elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.
Mr Whitney said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, 'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"
A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up.
When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next hour tried desperately to free her.
In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.
When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber, grabbed a stuffed bunny rabbit that was on the bed and placed it over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well, I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."
That's it for today, my little sweet potatoes. Remember, being a member of a minority does not make you noble or victimized. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !