Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I Have No Patience

Don't you just love it when someone goes to a crowded coffee shop or fast food restaurant, waits in line and then has no idea of what they want when they get to the front. What the hell were they doing all that time? Their taxes?

Hey Bonehead! The menu hasn't changed since you were ten-years-old. If you can't speak English, hold up enough fingers to match your order or just point to the picture.

Then I get to the front and the bill comes $5.35. So I give the moron at the register a ten dollar bill together with 35 cents. His face goes blank and his eyes roll back into his head.

After pondering the situation, register guy goes to his manager and they converse. After a few moments, register guy returns with the manager who has to open the register with his "special" key and gives me $5.00. And these people want their wages increased to $15.00 an hour?

Oscar and Emmy-winning actress Patty Duke has died at the age of 69. The cause of death was sepsis from a ruptured intestine. Ms. Duke started her career as a child actress on daytime soap opera "The Brighter Day," and she won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for "The Miracle Worker" when she was just 16, becoming the youngest Oscar winner at the time. May she rest in peace.

The News As I See It: With marijuana becoming legal in so many places these days, they’re really looking into how it can effect people who use it. And one new study says smoking marijuana regularly can lead to antisocial behaviors at work and even lying to get a job. Then stoners said, "You lost me at 'work,' and re-lost me at 'get a job.'"

A study that took almost 40 years shows that regularly smoking marijuana can make people worse at their jobs. When asked how they knew that, researchers said, "Because that study was only supposed to take two years, man!"

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War.

1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television.

1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: Bernillary - The worst of two worlds.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix all your electronics for you. 2) I imagine the discovery of fruit went like this: "Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?......Really? (sigh). 3) Once, I dropped off my ex-mother-in-law at the airport. Her flight wasn't until Tuesday, but with security and all, it was best to play it safe. 4) I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was the florist.  5) Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady, I always hand her a card that states "A mild sense of nausea is perfectly normal.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 28th: So that you don't embarrass yourself at your next Asian dinner party, Deja vu is not a French Indonesian dish and Sean Penn is not a city in Thailand.

Birthdays: Maimonides, Jewish scholar 1135, Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, postimpressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two cute, young, lesbians lived next door to a man who was outside drinking a beer in celebration of his birthday. Upon learning about his special day, the two girls asked what he would like for his birthday.

Later that day, the man was sitting with his friend when the girls came over and gave him a birthday present. He was quite surprised that the present was a Timex!

Thanking the girts as they left, he turned to his friend and said, "That was very nice of them, but I'm pretty sure that they misunderstood me when they asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, 'I wanna watch'."

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. He downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.

At that moment, he looked up to see his boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hey boss, did you see that fellow just now? He came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip and rushed out without paying."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side."

He continued, "When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Martha?" She smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, "What dear?" He replied, "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water right here on my desk. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-B-Birmingham." The therapist said,"That's no use, Trevor. Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-P-Paisley." The young lass said, "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, "London." The therapist answered, "Brilliant, Paddy!", and she immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, "-d-d-derry".

That's it for today, my little primroses. Remember, "significant other" is a fairly distant way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "the person I sleep with"? I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

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