Political Parties Just Blow Smoke Up Your Ass

Political parties are nothing more than pseudo national corporations competing to buy the government for the next four years for the sole purpose of feathering their own nests. They are immoral and corrupt and they could care less about average citizens.

Starting with Obama's knowing "Lie of the year" ("If you like your doctor, you can keep...." ad nauseum) and all the politicians before him, there might be ten percent with good intentions and the rest are lying, thieving assholes.

People look at who donated money to whom. Back in the day, I worked behind the scenes in local government and most business people donated money to friend and foe alike. Why? Because we knew we could go back to them for a favor. That's the way it works, folks. One dirty hand trying to wash another dirty hand.

One day, the sheeple of the world will wake up and collectively say, "Hey, that's not right" and then do something about it. Maybe as early as 2016......

The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian reached 45 million followers on Instagram yesterday and celebrated the only way she knows how, by establishing a public awareness campaign to raise money to build wells in southern Sudan. Just kidding, she posted another selfie.

The President of Guatemala, Otto Perez Molina, resigned yesterday after a judge ruled to jail him because of a fraud scandal. But today, another judge overruled it, which means that next week Molina will be starting for the New England Patriots.

Colin Powell, the Bush administration’s secretary of state, has come out in support of the Iran nuclear deal, and is calling the agreement "remarkable" Colin, you old RINO, everyone knows you're a closet democrat. I do appreciate your staying true to the 'hood though.

Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation.

This Date In History: 1776; The Second Continental Congress changed the name of the nation to the United States of America, from the United Colonies.

1850; California became the 31st state. 1893 President Grover Cleveland's daughter, Esther Cleveland, became the first president's child to be born in the White House.

1926; The National Broadcasting Company (NBC) was created by the Radio Corporation of America. 1948; The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was created.

1956; Elvis Presley appeared on television for the first time on The Ed Sullivan Show. 1976; Communist Chinese leader Mao Zedong died in Beijing at age 82.

Picture Of The Day: Now there's an honest face.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) An ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated which is kinda funny 'cause so does my Uncle. 2) Sometimes, when I am reading a good book, I stop to call and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

3) I got lost once when I was a kid. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide." 4) When I die, on my tombstone I want to replace "R.I.P." with "BRB (LOL)".

5) They want to allow divorced women to compete in the Miss America pageant. Is that a good idea? Do you really want to hear, "My dreams for the future include world peace and that my ex-husband gets run over by a bus.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 9th: Remember that water dissolves alien beasts and some witches. This information may or may not affect your actions when handing a glass of water to your mother-in-law.

Birthdays: Luigi Galvani, physician 1737, William Bligh, British admiral 1754, Leo Tolstoy, Russian novelist and philosopher 1828, Otis Redding, singer, songwriter 1941, Michael Keaton, actor 1951, Hugh Grant, actor 1960, Adam Sandler, comedian, musician, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?" The second old man replied, "I think she's dead!"

The first old man said, "What do you mean you think she is dead?" The second old man replied, "Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

A police officer in Pennsylvania was interviewing an old man who was a witness to a murder. The cop asked, "Did you see what happened?" The old man said, "No but I heard it and I know who did it" The cop, a bit dubious, said, "What did you hear?"

The old man said, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, Bang!, clip-clop, clip-clop." The cop said, "And from that you know what happened?" The old timer said, "Yep, it was an Amish drive-by."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.

John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.

John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed an old guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The old guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The old guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?" The first guy says, "Never mind, let's just look for yours."

That's it for today, my little bean sprouts. Remember, if you have to release bad news to the public, it helps if you are not ugly. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Ramblings.....

Freezing temperatures across the nation has prompted doctors to tell people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days said, "It's worth the risk."

Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Oh yeah, if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free.

Oddly enough, there is not now, nor ever will be, income equality in a democracy. If you strip everyone in America financially, in ten years the same people will be in the same places. 

I have, however, began to back affirmative action. I see the necessity for diversion and equality everywhere.

On a related note, I will be the starting forward for the Miami Heat this Friday night..... 

The News As I See It: In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone known as "Siberia."

According to a new international survey, among Catholics Pope Francis has an approval rating of 88 percent. That is unless he comes out with FrancisCare. Then the whole thing could plummet.

Dennis Rodman, the moronic former NBA basketball flunky, had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, "This guy is a lunatic."

MSNBC anchor Melissa Harris-Perry has apologized for making fun of one of Mitt Romney's grandchildren. She said that from now on before she goes on the air she’ll remind herself that some people may actually be watching MSNBC.

The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said that in Utah marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives.

America has been suffering through this national freeze Why is it so cold now? It's that chill, that blast of cold air that's still coming off Michelle Obama after Barry's much publicized flirting with the blonde Danish prime minister.

Obama returned to Washington last Saturday, but he left Michelle in Hawaii for a few days as part of an early birthday present. You can tell a couple has been married a while when a good birthday present is spending time apart.

The postal service is now saying that they are raising the price of a stamp from 46 cents to 49 cents. They would have made it an even 50 but that would have made the line at the post office go too fast.

This Date In History: 1815; The Battle of New Orleans, the last battle in the War of 1812, was fought. 1918; Woodrow Wilson outlined his Fourteen Points peace program. 1958; Bobby Fischer won the United States Chess Championship for the first time at age 14.

1959; Charles de Gaulle became the first president of France's Fifth Republic. 1964; President Lyndon Johnson announced his War on Poverty. 1982; The AT&T Bell System telephone monopoly agreed to divest itself of 22 Bell System companies and split itself into seven "Baby Bells."

1998; The mastermind of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, Ramzi Yousef, was sentenced to life in prison. 2011; Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords is among 17 shot by a gunman at a meeting outside a grocery store. Six people are fatally wounded.

Picture Of The Day: Going with today's theme, "Rambling", this James Dean picture has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than it struck my fancy and it's my journal.....  

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand. 2) I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids. 3) I recently learned from my friend's 4-year-old that Jesus doesn't like broccoli. No word on cauliflower yet, but I'm pretty sure he's not a fan. 4) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk. 5) I'm no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it's 4 am, I'm drunk and I'm making up words again.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 8th: Your natural instinct will be to find love in places where people are either inebriated or known to be easy. However, many find that visiting a library will work as well, assuming you don't make a lot of noise.

Birthdays: Edmond Charles Genêt, diplomat 1763, Nicholas Biddle, financier 1786, Wilkie Collins, author 1824, Emily Greene Balch, economist and sociologist 1867, William Piper, airplane manufacturer 1881, Carl Rogers, psychologist 1902, Jose Ferrer, actor 1912, Elvis Presley, singer, actor 1935, Stephen William Hawking, British theoretical physicist 1942, David Bowie, musician, actor 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "cradle robber" at me, just because my girlfriend is 28 and I'm old. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

The Red Cross knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the droughts in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway.
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my long time friend Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.

My friend's wife has been missing for a week now. The police told him to prepare for the worst, so he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.

On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!

That's it for today, my little red riding hoods. Remember, ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your cell phone number and hands you his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he'll donate $10 to Disaster Relief. If the weather prevails, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

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Liar Liar

It's taken for granted that all politicians, especially the current class, say one thing while campaigning and end up doing the other after being elected. They're obviously liars and thieves. Currently, they all have a case of convenient amnesia.

I have never heard so many "It wasn't me" and "I don't know or recall" answers. The funny thing is all of their rhetorical speeches are on YouTube so evidently, the only people who don't realize that they're assholes are the candidates themselves.

Moreover, many of their responses when under investigation and answering questions are referred to by the politically correct questioner as "untruths." The correct response is, "Sir, you are a liar and we have proof!"

Well, the jig is up! Obama and big government are up to their asses in scandals from Beghazi to the IRS and something needs to be done. How those arrogant assholes like Eric holder and Lois Lerner still have jobs is beyond my imagination.

The News As I See It: The new "Superman" movie opens on Friday. It's a great story. When Superman’s dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.

Former CIA technician Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, "You’re being watched." To which NBC executives said, "Finally! We would love to be watched."

Happy birthday to Sasha, the president's daughter, who recently turned 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is on Twitter, ostensibly pushing herself for president in 2016. A politician on Twitter — what could possibly go wrong?

Pope Francis said it is a sin for people to waste food. He made that proclamation and then he made Chris Christie a saint.

Kanye West will not be in the delivery room when Kim Kardashian has her baby. This was at the request of the baby.

The New England Patriots signed Tim Tebow. Apparently they needed a virgin to sacrifice to the football gods. Tim Tebow fit the bill perfectly.

This Date In History: 1880; John Lee Richmond pitched baseball's first perfect game. A perfect game occurs when no batter reaches a base during a complete game of at least nine innings.

1898; Emilio Aguinaldo, head of the Philippine nationalists, proclaimed independence from Spain. 1939; The Baseball Hall of Fame opened to the public in Cooperstown, New York. 1942; Anne Frank received a diary for her birthday.

1963; Civil rights leader Medgar Evers was fatally shot in front of his home in Jackson, Mississippi. 1997; Inter-league play began in baseball, ending a 126-year tradition of separating the major leagues until the World Series.

Picture Of The Day: My pal Nick posted this image on his Facebook music site. I liked it so I stole borrowed it. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse? 2) Age gets better with wine. 3) I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants. 4) "Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions." said no child, ever.  5) Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 12: You can't hide from the rest of the day, so I suggest you burst headlong into it without waiting for anyone to catch up. Significant other is a fairly distant way to refer to a loved one. Why not call them "the person I sleep with"?

Birthdays: My pal Linda - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Johanna Spyri, author 1827, Djuna Barnes, author 1892, George Herbert Walker Bush, 41st President of the United States (1989–93) 1924, Anne Frank, diarist 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man, a bit lost, is driving down a country road. He spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. With the though of asking directions, he pulls the car over to the side of the road. He then notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, I initially stopped for directions, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize." Puzzled, the man asks, "How." The farmer says, "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all. After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill.

He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence and mounting every cow in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!" The farmer ruefully smiled and replied, Yep, now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta catch him!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Butch for his contribution to today's stories.

Tom bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure...it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline or E85. He returned it to the dealer yesterday because he couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

The technician said to the radio, Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" The technician said, "Willie!" and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

Tom drove away happy and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven", he'd get beautiful classical music and if he said, "Beatles",  he'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed Tom's new truck, but Tom swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!" Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." Old Tom loves his new truck.....

A man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked, "Who are you?" The voice answered, "I am your guardian angel." The man said, "Yeah? And where the hell were you when I got married?"

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?", the 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated, "Yes, but I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

That's it for today, my little rosebuds. Remember, always read stuff that will make you look good in case you die in the middle of it. AREA 51 is rather "iffy" tonight. I'm late starting my journal entry and it's raining. Then again, I'm out of scotch......

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !