Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Freezing temperatures across the nation has prompted doctors to tell people to avoid drinking alcohol if they go outside because it can lead to frostbite. Parents who've been stuck inside with their kids for three days said, "It's worth the risk."
Obama invited unemployed Americans to the White House for a discussion about income inequality. Oh yeah, if there's one way to show sympathy for the unemployed, it's to invite them to a giant white mansion that you get to live in for free.
Oddly enough, there is not now, nor ever will be, income equality in a democracy. If you strip everyone in America financially, in ten years the same people will be in the same places.
I have, however, began to back affirmative action. I see the necessity for diversion and equality everywhere.
On a related note, I will be the starting forward for the Miami Heat this Friday night.....
The News As I See It: In advance of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, the Russian government announced that, contrary to popular belief, people in Russia will be allowed to protest. But only in a special protest zone known as "Siberia."
According to a new international survey, among Catholics Pope Francis has an approval rating of 88 percent. That is unless he comes out with FrancisCare. Then the whole thing could plummet.
Dennis Rodman, the moronic former NBA basketball flunky, had a media meltdown. During a satellite interview from North Korea, Rodman started screaming at a CNN reporter. There was an awkward moment when Kim Jong Un said, "This guy is a lunatic."
MSNBC anchor Melissa Harris-Perry has apologized for making fun of one of Mitt Romney's grandchildren. She said that from now on before she goes on the air she’ll remind herself that some people may actually be watching MSNBC.
The Supreme Court has halted gay marriages in Utah. The Supreme Court said that in Utah marriage is still a sacred bond between a man and his six wives.
America has been suffering through this national freeze Why is it so cold now? It's that chill, that blast of cold air that's still coming off Michelle Obama after Barry's much publicized flirting with the blonde Danish prime minister.
Obama returned to Washington last Saturday, but he left Michelle in Hawaii for a few days as part of an early birthday present. You can tell a couple has been married a while when a good birthday present is spending time apart.
The postal service is now saying that they are raising the price of a stamp from 46 cents to 49 cents. They would have made it an even 50 but that would have made the line at the post office go too fast.
This Date In History: 1815; The Battle of New Orleans, the last battle in the War of 1812, was fought. 1918; Woodrow Wilson outlined his Fourteen Points peace program. 1958; Bobby Fischer won the United States Chess Championship for the first time at age 14.
1959; Charles de Gaulle became the first president of France's Fifth Republic. 1964; President Lyndon Johnson announced his War on Poverty. 1982; The AT&T Bell System telephone monopoly agreed to divest itself of 22 Bell System companies and split itself into seven "Baby Bells."
1998; The mastermind of the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, Ramzi Yousef, was sentenced to life in prison. 2011; Arizona Representative Gabrielle Giffords is among 17 shot by a gunman at a meeting outside a grocery store. Six people are fatally wounded.
Picture Of The Day: Going with today's theme, "Rambling", this James Dean picture has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than it struck my fancy and it's my journal.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It was all fun and games until she noticed that the "rocket" in her five-year-old son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in her nightstand. 2) I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids. 3) I recently learned from my friend's 4-year-old that Jesus doesn't like broccoli. No word on cauliflower yet, but I'm pretty sure he's not a fan. 4) Lust is not real love and Domino's is not real pizza but both are fine when you're drunk. 5) I'm no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it's 4 am, I'm drunk and I'm making up words again.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 8th: Your natural instinct will be to find love in places where people are either inebriated or known to be easy. However, many find that visiting a library will work as well, assuming you don't make a lot of noise.
Birthdays: Edmond Charles Genêt, diplomat 1763, Nicholas Biddle, financier 1786, Wilkie Collins, author 1824, Emily Greene Balch, economist and sociologist 1867, William Piper, airplane manufacturer 1881, Carl Rogers, psychologist 1902, Jose Ferrer, actor 1912, Elvis Presley, singer, actor 1935, Stephen William Hawking, British theoretical physicist 1942, David Bowie, musician, actor 1947.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I went to the bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "cradle robber" at me, just because my girlfriend is 28 and I'm old. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.
The Red Cross knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the droughts in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but my garden hose only reaches the driveway.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my long time friend Vivian for her contribution to today's stories.
My friend's wife has been missing for a week now. The police told him to prepare for the worst, so he went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.
On his 74th birthday, A man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby Indian reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The medicine man replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and as she began throwing off her clothes she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition or one could end up with a dangling participle!
That's it for today, my little red riding hoods. Remember, ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your cell phone number and hands you his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he'll donate $10 to Disaster Relief. If the weather prevails, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !