Political Tears Of Oil

I'm tired of the same old rhetoric from politicians! Since the 2008 presidential campaign promises (read lies), the majority of winners in the Senate and the House of Representatives have not done anything worth speaking about. Moreover, the swamp that Nancy Pelosi boasted to drain is overflowing. The Congressional Ethics Committee (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) has been investigating Congressman Charlie Rangel for two years now.

The upcoming elections on November 2nd have every politician shucking and jiving (a trick learned from President Obozo) in an attempt to either retain their seats or, as challengers, win the seat. Either way, the TV rhetoric and speeches are reduced to lies and name calling and they rarely speak about their true platforms, to wit:

My Fellow Americans:

My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, senate, house of representatives, mayor, city council, dog catcher...whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard, and car thief.

If elected, I will cut your taxes, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me on November 2nd.

This is the new politics of America. Insult your opponent, promise the voters anything (whether possible or not) and be as vague as possible about your platform? Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is at the deepest depths of the oceans. The 2010 elections are in the hands of America. Let's see if we can send them a message this year!

The News As I See It: BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the "very big ocean." That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, said of his time in office, "I was wrong thirty percent of the time." Well that's not bad, for a weatherman or a free throw shooter, but you were the Chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill and you ran it on the rhythm method.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they super glued their balls to their thighs.

This Date In History: 1494; Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty of Tordesillas which divided the New World between the two countries. 1654; Louis XIV was crowned king of France. 1776; Richard Henry Lee of Virginia introduced a resolution in the Continental Congress proposing a Declaration of Independence.

1892; Homer Plessy was arrested for his refusal to move from a whites-only seat on a train. This led to the Plessy v. Ferguson Supreme Court decision. 1929; Vatican City became a sovereign state. 1948; President Eduard Beneš of Czechoslovakia resigned and the Communist takeover of the country was completed. 1967; Dorothy Parker, American short story writer, poet, and critic, died.

Picture Of The Day: I really like the header photoshop picture of the eye focused on a pelican while teardrops of oil fall. Sometimes subtle images like this make us all aware of the enormity of this senseless disaster.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Impotence is nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 2) We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 3) There are three kinds of people: Those who learn by reading, those who learn by observation and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot. 4) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. Saturday.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Paul Gauguin, painter 1848, Knud Rasmussen, arctic explorer 1879, Elizabeth Bowen, author 1899, Jessica Tandy, actress 1909, Virginia Apgar, physician and anesthesiologist 1909 Gwendolyn Brooks, American poet 1917, "Nikki" Giovanni, poet 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old woman said, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, " That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What are you doing?" Her husband responded, "Hunting Flies." His wife said, "Oh! Are you killing any?" Her husband said, "Yep, three males and two females." Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" Her husband said, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ. It's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. As she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

That's it for today my little kiwi birds. Remember, the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. More on Wednesday

Stay Tuned !

With Any Luck, This Time Joran van der Sloot Will Be Convicted Of Murder !

Joran van der Sloot, the douche-bag who escaped indictment in the murder of Natalee Holloway due to an inept and possibly corrupt Aruban prosecutor, is again a murder suspect in the horrendous murder of Stephany Flores in Lima, Peru. Ms. Flores was found brutally stabbed to death in Van der Sloot's hotel room Wednesday morning.

Ms. Flores (left) was reportedly seen (video and eye witnesses) with van der Sloot on Saturday at a Lima casino, where he was said to have been participating in a poker tournament, and on Sunday, at the hotel where the victim's body was found. Hotel employees also reported seeing Van der Sloot and Ms. Flores entering the room.

Van der Sloot, a longtime suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway (below, right), was been sent to Peru to face possible charges in the killing of a 21-year-old Peruvian woman. The 22-year-old Dutchman who had been a suspect in the 2005 disappearance of Holloway in Aruba, was handcuffed and placed aboard a police plane in the Chilean capital of Santiago this morning and was expected to arrive in Peru this afternoon.

While all suspects should be presumed innocent until proven guilty, this is the second time that Van der Sloot has been involved in a murder case. Officials will once again have the opportunity to prosecute and convict him. Personally, I believe that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a f**king duck! I hope they hang the bastard by his balls!

The News As I See It: The Gulf oil spill is now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey. As you know, BP tried a process called the "top kill." It sounds like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the '80s. BP said the "top kill" failed, so they'll tried something called the "junk shot" which didn't work either. In their defense, BP said they tried it because it worked for the Los Angeles Lakers.

The new scandal is that the news media is said that President Obozo had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's complicated, but it's an impeachable offense. Republicans are comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar.

It's been rough in the stock market lately. It has gotten so bad that President Obozo had to lay off two teleprompters.

I recently received an email from a Jimmy's Journal reader:

Dear Jimmy:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. Since he lost his job a few years ago, all he does is smoke cigars and bullshit with his buddies. Now, since our daughter graduated from college he doesn't even pretend to love me and hints that I am a lesbian, What should I do?

Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Dump him! You're a grown woman and you don't need him anymore! You're the United States Secretary of State! Act Like it!

This Date In History: 1892; The Sierra Club, led by John Muir, was incorporated in San Francisco. 1896; Henry Ford took his first car out for a test drive. 1942; The Battle of Midway, a decisive Allied victory in World War II, began. 1944; The U.S. Fifth Army entered Rome, leading to the liberation of the city during World War II.

1968; Dorothy Gish, American actress who starred in many silent-film classics, died. 1989; People's Army of China opened fire on crowds of pro-democracy demonstrators in Tiananmen Square, killing thousands. 1992; The U.S. Post Office announced that in a poll people preferred the "young Elvis" stamp to the "old Elvis" stamp.

2001; King Dipendra of Nepal died, three days after shooting most of his family and himself. 2003; Martha Stewart was indicted on charges of insider trading.

Picture Of The Day: Unfortunately, another young woman is dead and both were seen with Joran van der Sloot prior to their deaths. Hopefully, police officials and prosecutors will get things right this time and put Van der Sloot away.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2) Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 3) To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 4) Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children. 5) They now have luggage stores in airports. How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, "F**k it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a suitcase at the airport".....and that's five !

Birthdays: François Quesnay, economist 1694, George III, king of Great Britain and Ireland (1760–1820) 1738, son of Frederick Louis, prince of Wales, and grandson of George II, whom he succeeded.Natalie Goncharova, painter and designer 1881, Robert Merrill, singer 1919, Bruce Dern, actor 1936, Cecilia Bartoli, mezzo-soprano 1966, Angelina Jolie, actress 1975.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

An old gentleman walked into court and told the judge he wanted to change his name. The judge told him that that was an important decision and that he should carefully consider the change. The man insisted that he still wanted to change his name.

The judge said, What is you name, sir?" The man replied, "Hiram Schitz." The judged smiled knowingly and asked, "And, what would you like to change you name to?" The man replied, "Murray Schitz."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man looked down at the end of the bar and saw a monkey with a hat on, sitting in the last seat. The man ordered a martini and after the drink was set in front of him, the monkey promptly got upon the bar, walked up to the drink and gentle lowered his balls into the man's martini. He abruptly stood and scampered back to his seat.

The man called the bartender and told him what happened. The bartender apologized and replaced the martini, whereupon, the monkey rose and did the same thing again.

The man was infuriated and got up to whack the monkey. The monkey ran over to the piano player and sat down beside him. The man thought, this must be the piano player's monkey. The man approached the piano player and said, "Do you know you're monkey's been putting his balls in my drink?" The piano player replied, "No, but if you hum a little bit of it, I'll try to play it."

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor. He said, "It is necessary that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the husband, "Tom, Do you know your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, gently touched his wife's arm and asked, "It's Pilsbury, isn't it?"

A polar bear cub, sitting on an iceberg, turned to it's mother and asked, "Mom, Am I really a polar bear?" The mother said, "Yes dear, of course." A few minutes later the cub said, "Mom, Are you sure I'm a polar bear?" Annoyed, the mother bear said, "Your father is a polar bear, I'm a polar bear and you're a polar bear. Why do you ask?" The little cub replied, "Because I'm freezing my ass off."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history...

Author's Note: Due to some recurring spam, comments will be published subject to my approval. Please continue to feel free to make any comments and they will be published as soon as I am notified.

That's it for today my little kidney beans. Remember, always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. Thank God it's Friday! Happy Hour in AREA 51...here I come! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

BP Oil Needs A Big Hole Drilled In It's Wallet !

The BP Gulf oil leak is quickly becoming a major disaster. When the leak was first announced, I predicted that it would be much worse than BP officials stated and unfortunately, I was right. The worst part about this debacle is that these assholes did not have emergency plans to deal with a catastrophe and the government never really checked to see if there was an emergency plan.

The damage that is being done to the gulf fisheries and wildlife is going to be catastrophic, not to mention the loss of jobs and income that Gulf residents derive from tourism, fishing and other related industries. As usual, BP and their associated contractors are all busy pointing the finger at each other. You can be sure that their staff of lawyers are busy looking for every loophole in the law to evade and avoid paying for this mess.

I have always believed that offshore oil drilling is an accident looking for a place to happen and my worst fears have been realized. Ecologically, offshore drilling is about as safe as getting your drinking water from a toilet.

In California, the Los Angeles City Council overwhelmingly approved a boycott of Arizona-based businesses and governments unless the state repeals a new law giving police the power to question a detainee's immigration status. Several other California cities, including San Francisco and Oakland, have already adopted resolutions requesting city departments to not sign any new contracts with Arizona companies.

The Arizona law requires immigrants to carry their registration documents at all times and allows police to question individuals' immigration status in the process of enforcing any other law or ordinance.

California is a state that thought it was a good idea to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor and is facing a twenty billion dollar deficit in their budget. If these facts are not self-explanatory, read: An estimated 2,209,000 of California residents (800,000 in Los Angeles) are illegal immigrants who do not pay state income taxes.

I am for legal immigration. I am against illegal immigration and allowing illegal immigrants to jump in front of the list of immigrants who are patiently going through the long legal process of American citizenship. If this is not abundantly clear, please refer to the map below.

The Preakness Stakes: Kentucky Derby winner Super Saver was made the early 5-2 favorite Wednesday for the Preakness Stakes, and he'll break from the starting gate next to beaten Derby favorite Lookin At Lucky. Trained by Todd Pletcher and ridden by Calvin Borel, Super Saver drew the No. 8 post in the field of 12 -- two short of the maximum -- for Saturday's 1 3/16-mile race at Pimlico." Last year, Borel rode favored filly Rachel Alexandra to victory over the boys from the No. 13 post on the far outside.

The News As I See It: The Senate voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. I hope China doesn't adopt this and do the same thing.

BP Oil is considering a plan to fire golf balls and rubber tires into the gulf oil leak to clog it. The site will end up looking like the front lawn at Tiger Woods’ house. At least Toyota and Tiger Woods may finally have a chance to redeem themselves after all.

Larry King and his wife are not getting divorced despite allegations of cheating. The family spokesman said Larry loves his wife, and loves being a family, and when they started to divide the property, he realized how ridiculous he would look wearing only one suspender.

Disney is partnering with a South Korean company to launch a Korean-language Disney channel. Mickey will still be known as "Mickey," and Minnie will still be known as "Minnie." However, Pluto will now be known as "Delicious."

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.

Picture Of The Day: The BP Gulf oil spill is no joke, but it's Friday and we have to take time to relax and laugh a bit. The photoshop artists are at it again and better than ever with their current crop of pictures. Tweety Bird really has nothing to do with today's theme, but I like Tweety Bird and the picture fits the description. Twitter is for the birds !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. 2) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. 3) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 4) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 5) Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi, composer 1567, Lyman Frank Baum, author 1856, Katherine Anne Porter, author 1890, Richard Joseph Daley, political leader 1902, James Mason, actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson, economist 1915, Richard Avedon, photographer 1923, Jasper Johns, artist 1930, Madeleine Albright, government official 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A nurse of an old folks home walked into the room of Mr. Goldstein and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. The nurse asked, "What's the matter, Mr. Goldstein"? Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry hysterically. The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss.

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones, I thought your penis passed away a couple days ago." He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1) High fever 2) Congestion 3) Nausea 4) Fatigue 5) Aching in the joints 6) An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." The doctor replied, "That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc. I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Asshole Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

A man goes to the doctor and tells him, "I'm sorry doctor, I know this is unusual but I seem to have a head of lettuce stuck up my ass!" The doctor replies, "Good Grief!, I'd better take a look" The doctor examines the man and says, "It's worse than than I thought and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

That's it for today my little coffee beans. Remember, mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Friday means fun and I'm going to AREA 51 for a little recreation. I hope I don't have to pay anyone..... Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !