Monday, June 7, 2010

Political Tears Of Oil

I'm tired of the same old rhetoric from politicians! Since the 2008 presidential campaign promises (read lies), the majority of winners in the Senate and the House of Representatives have not done anything worth speaking about. Moreover, the swamp that Nancy Pelosi boasted to drain is overflowing. The Congressional Ethics Committee (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) has been investigating Congressman Charlie Rangel for two years now.

The upcoming elections on November 2nd have every politician shucking and jiving (a trick learned from President Obozo) in an attempt to either retain their seats or, as challengers, win the seat. Either way, the TV rhetoric and speeches are reduced to lies and name calling and they rarely speak about their true platforms, to wit:

My Fellow Americans:

My name is Lying Politician and I'm a candidate for (president, senate, house of representatives, mayor, city council, dog catcher...whatever). My opponent, Thieving Politician, is a wife beater, communist, socialist, drunkard, and car thief.

If elected, I will cut your taxes, buy you a car, send your children to college and mow your lawn. Please vote for me on November 2nd.

This is the new politics of America. Insult your opponent, promise the voters anything (whether possible or not) and be as vague as possible about your platform? Politicians are lower than whale shit and that's quite a feat indeed, seeing that whale shit is at the deepest depths of the oceans. The 2010 elections are in the hands of America. Let's see if we can send them a message this year!

The News As I See It: BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the "very big ocean." That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, said of his time in office, "I was wrong thirty percent of the time." Well that's not bad, for a weatherman or a free throw shooter, but you were the Chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill and you ran it on the rhythm method.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they super glued their balls to their thighs.

This Date In History: 1494; Spain and Portugal signed the Treaty of Tordesillas which divided the New World between the two countries. 1654; Louis XIV was crowned king of France. 1776; Richard Henry Lee of Virginia introduced a resolution in the Continental Congress proposing a Declaration of Independence.

1892; Homer Plessy was arrested for his refusal to move from a whites-only seat on a train. This led to the Plessy v. Ferguson Supreme Court decision. 1929; Vatican City became a sovereign state. 1948; President Eduard BeneŇ° of Czechoslovakia resigned and the Communist takeover of the country was completed. 1967; Dorothy Parker, American short story writer, poet, and critic, died.

Picture Of The Day: I really like the header photoshop picture of the eye focused on a pelican while teardrops of oil fall. Sometimes subtle images like this make us all aware of the enormity of this senseless disaster.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Impotence is nature's way of saying "No hard feelings". 2) We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. 3) There are three kinds of people: Those who learn by reading, those who learn by observation and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot. 4) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. Saturday.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Paul Gauguin, painter 1848, Knud Rasmussen, arctic explorer 1879, Elizabeth Bowen, author 1899, Jessica Tandy, actress 1909, Virginia Apgar, physician and anesthesiologist 1909 Gwendolyn Brooks, American poet 1917, "Nikki" Giovanni, poet 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old woman said, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, " That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. She asked, "What are you doing?" Her husband responded, "Hunting Flies." His wife said, "Oh! Are you killing any?" Her husband said, "Yep, three males and two females." Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" Her husband said, "Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ. It's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. As she leaves, she looks both women in the eye, farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

That's it for today my little kiwi birds. Remember, the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. More on Wednesday

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

Sorry Jimmy, I can't concentrate to comment, I am trying to figure the impotence and 'no hard feelings' thingee!!!

Rose said...

This post was too funny! Loved the graphics!

PhotoShop is great isn't it?

Hugs, Rose

Paula said...

Funny entry as always but especially the last three jokes.

Julie said...

I can't stand all the double speak we hear during election time, drives me batty. Great post as usual

Ally Lifewithally said...

Thanks for the smiles Jimmy ~ Ally x