Colonoscopies: Obamacare And The Government Shutdown

Obamacare has kicked in, but there are "glitches". Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone, but then they fixed them. Technically, Obama is correct, but he failed to realize that Apple has geniuses working there. In Washington, there are no geniuses.

Authors Note: Due to the lapse in government funding, the information on Jimmy's Journal may not be up to date. Then again, neither is Jimmy.

Alas, the government shutdown continues. Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry. While the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.

Both sides in the government shutdown fight are looking for any advantage they can get in swaying public opinion. Republicans and Democrats alike are mining the newspapers and cable news shows for the stray quote that paints the other side in an unflattering light and finding some success.

On Friday, House Republicans seized on a quote in the Wall Street Journal from a senior Obama administration official assessing the political stakes. The official said, "We are winning. It doesn’t really matter to us how long the shutdown lasts because what matters is the end result."

Thus far, the whole shut down debacle reminds me of children fighting. It's time to take care of business and get the government up and running. The only thing I think Obama could have done to take advantage of the shutdown would have been to furlough his mother-in-law.....but then he would have had to deal with Michele ("Oh, no you di'ent").

The News As I See It: Most people think that the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. Guess which group just got furloughed?

The New York City Opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang.

The government shut down continues. All non-essential employees were sent home — including Obama's economic team. Obama is now down to just one teleprompter. No one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.

The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie.

The government shutdown supposedly caused Obama to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama's just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.

When you sign up for Obamacare, you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.

Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I'm not so sure. If you're waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don't know if it's technically possible.

It is now illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

This Date In History: 1887; The International Herald Tribune was published for the first time. 1895; The first U.S. Open Golf tournament was held in Newport, Rhode Island. 1957; The Soviet Union launched the first artificial satellite, Sputnik, into orbit around the earth, ushering in the Space Age and Space Race.

1965; Pope Paul VI made the first visit to the Western Hemisphere by a reigning pope. He came to New York to address the UN General Assembly. 1970; Rock singer Janis Joplin was found dead of a drug overdose at age 27.

1990; The German parliament met for the first time since the reunification of Germany. 2001 Authorities confirmed a tabloid editor in Florida had contracted anthrax. He died the next day. 2002; John Walker Lindh, the "American Taliban," received a 20-year sentence.

Picture Of The Day: This site is called Fisheating Creek. It's located about an hour's drive from Miami and it is beautiful. I have fished and camped there many times and I never tire of seeing it's beauty. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 2) My cat can't hear me yelling at him to stop scratching the furniture, but he can hear me open a hamburger wrapper from a mile away. 3) To Whom It May Concern: if you can read this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift. 4) I don't mind your bad kids running around if you don't mind me tripping them. 5) On my donor card I have indicated that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it "eck-cetera.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 4th: All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Shouting "30 milligrams, Stat!" in a crowded place is probably not going to win you any friends today.

Birthdays: Jean Francois Millet, painter 1814, Rutherford B. Hayes, 19th President of the United States 1822, Frederic Remington, painter/sculptor 1861, Damon Runyon, short story writer 1884, Buster Keaton, actor 1895, Charlton Heston, actor 1924, Anne Rice, author 1941, Susan Sarandon, actress 1946, Alicia Silverstone actress, producer 1976,,Rachael Leigh Cook actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blond woman goes to the hospital. The doctor asked, "What seems to be the problem?" The blond replied, "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica 'down there'."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2) Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Down in Cajun country in the Louisiana bayou, Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend, Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an I can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux says, "What's a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

The next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kilberts reptile farm and bought the biggest boa constrictor that they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose right in the middle and just sat there and watched.

Thibodeaux was watching for a long time and nothing happened. The big snake just curled up in the middle of the barn and slept all day. He didn't move and the rats ran all around.

Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone and said, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux says, "Viagra?  What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux says,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian."

The teacher asked him why he's a Libertarian. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Libertarian and my Dad's a Libertarian, so I'm a Libertarian."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

Single people always champion being single until they meet someone special. Then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus.

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Congress: The Epitome Of Incompetence !

I read a comment on Facebook about the looming government shutdown which I found to be amusing, yet true. According to reports, if the government shuts down tonight due to our very inept congress, all "non-essential" government workers will be laid off. The commenter asked, "If there are "non-essential" government workers, why are they there in the first place?"

The only thing about a government shut down that really annoys me is that our Armed Forces will not be paid timely and President Obozo and our asshole congress will be paid. What's wrong with that picture?

The men and women of the armed forces, who dedicate their lives to defend our country, will be paid, sooner or later. But if anyone can remember being between the age of eighteen and twenty-five, living paycheck-to-paycheck was an everyday actuality. Combine that fact with the thought of being alone and away from home, that paycheck is heavily counted on.

Meanwhile, our president (also known as the messiah or the anointed one) has delivered on less than 30% of his shuck and jive campaign promises, yet will still be paid. The lying, thieving, do nothing congress will also be paid timely.

Other than my sentiments for the military, I say let the government shut down! They haven't accomplished anything anyway.....

The News As I See It: If Congress can’t agree on a budget by midnight tonight, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people’s money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobile and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.

The White House might have to lay off staff members if the government shuts down on tonight. It’s really bad news for non-essential workers — you know, interns, pages, Joe O'Biden.

Southwest Airlines has a new slogan: "Forty percent off your tickets, 30 percent off the plane."

Members of Congress will still get paid if there’s a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We’ll be paying them to do nothing. The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working.

President Obozo announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. His new slogan is "Change you can believe in — this time, I promise."

If there’s a government shut down, federal meat inspections may be delayed. In other words, Taco Bell will not be affected.

This Date In History: 1513; Ponce de León claimed Florida for Spain. 1913;The 17th Amendment was ratified, requiring the direct election of U.S. senators by popular vote rather than by the state legislators. 1935; The Works Progress Administration (WPA) was approved by Congress to help alleviate joblessness during the Great Depression.

1946; The League of Nations assembled for the last time. 1973; Artist Pablo Picasso died. 1974; Henry "Hank" Aaron hit the 715th home run of his career, breaking Babe Ruth's record. 1986; Actor Clint Eastwood was elected mayor of Carmel, California. 1992; Tennis ace Arthur Ashe announced that he had AIDS.

Picture Of The Day: I was fortunate enough to find a recent picture of a Texas congressman who had a run-in with a Texas cowboy. The cowboy was uninjured in the fracas and the congressman wound up the way most Senators and Congressmen should wind up, or should I say coiled?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have. 2) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. 3) I have discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week, and the government spends 7. 4) A penny saved is a government oversight. 5) I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.".....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - April 8th: Telling tall tales is pretty much what keeps you going. Banning people from your house can work, especially if reinforced with large heavy blocks of swingable wood. Old wives tales aren't smutty recollections of sexual conquests. Alcohol will be your best friend, not a dog...well, perhaps a dog who's been pickled in alcohol. Many of the people around you will turn out to be lying scheming bastards, this week.

Watch out for overweight dogs when it's raining. If you don't wear glasses now, the chances are that you're going to need to after an upcoming sports accident. The best you could ever really hope for will appear to you today in a dream. Although this vision may appear to look like you with a handlebar moustache, the truth is even more frightening. Timid creatures are often those to find first love. Be less brash, learn to control your flailing arms, and try not to fart in mixed company.

Birthdays: The very sweet Lynne Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Harvey Williams Cushing, neurosurgeon 1869, Mary Pickford, actress 1893, Sonja Henie, skater 1912, Betty Ford, former First Lady 1918, John Havlicek, basketball 1940, Michael Bennett, choreographer 1943, Barbara Kingsolver, writer 1955, Patricia Arquette, actress 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in "the act." Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, seeing that Johnny's asking uncomfortable questions, asks little Johnny to go back to his room and continues on. As little Johnny slowly walks towards the door, mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since his birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift he requests."

Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train running in the family room and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

On his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile in the family room. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. Johnny walked to his friends house with a curious look on his face. His friend asked, "What did you get for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "Sir, Can you help me please? I've lost my Grandpa!" The cop asked, "Don't worry son, we'll find your Grandpa. What's he like?" The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The little boy said, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work." The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother repied, "They mostly become cab drivers."

That's it for today my little rubber baby buggy bumpers. Remember, I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. I sure am happy today's Friday! AREA 51 is looking good! Have a fantastic weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !