Friday, October 4, 2013

Colonoscopies: Obamacare And The Government Shutdown

Obamacare has kicked in, but there are "glitches". Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone, but then they fixed them. Technically, Obama is correct, but he failed to realize that Apple has geniuses working there. In Washington, there are no geniuses.

Authors Note: Due to the lapse in government funding, the information on Jimmy's Journal may not be up to date. Then again, neither is Jimmy.

Alas, the government shutdown continues. Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry. While the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.

Both sides in the government shutdown fight are looking for any advantage they can get in swaying public opinion. Republicans and Democrats alike are mining the newspapers and cable news shows for the stray quote that paints the other side in an unflattering light and finding some success.

On Friday, House Republicans seized on a quote in the Wall Street Journal from a senior Obama administration official assessing the political stakes. The official said, "We are winning. It doesn’t really matter to us how long the shutdown lasts because what matters is the end result."

Thus far, the whole shut down debacle reminds me of children fighting. It's time to take care of business and get the government up and running. The only thing I think Obama could have done to take advantage of the shutdown would have been to furlough his mother-in-law.....but then he would have had to deal with Michele ("Oh, no you di'ent").

The News As I See It: Most people think that the IRS Is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. Guess which group just got furloughed?

The New York City Opera want bankrupt and shut down. It was over before the fat lady sang.

The government shut down continues. All non-essential employees were sent home — including Obama's economic team. Obama is now down to just one teleprompter. No one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.

The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie.

The government shutdown supposedly caused Obama to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama's just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.

When you sign up for Obamacare, you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.

Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I'm not so sure. If you're waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don't know if it's technically possible.

It is now illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

This Date In History: 1887; The International Herald Tribune was published for the first time. 1895; The first U.S. Open Golf tournament was held in Newport, Rhode Island. 1957; The Soviet Union launched the first artificial satellite, Sputnik, into orbit around the earth, ushering in the Space Age and Space Race.

1965; Pope Paul VI made the first visit to the Western Hemisphere by a reigning pope. He came to New York to address the UN General Assembly. 1970; Rock singer Janis Joplin was found dead of a drug overdose at age 27.

1990; The German parliament met for the first time since the reunification of Germany. 2001 Authorities confirmed a tabloid editor in Florida had contracted anthrax. He died the next day. 2002; John Walker Lindh, the "American Taliban," received a 20-year sentence.

Picture Of The Day: This site is called Fisheating Creek. It's located about an hour's drive from Miami and it is beautiful. I have fished and camped there many times and I never tire of seeing it's beauty. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 2) My cat can't hear me yelling at him to stop scratching the furniture, but he can hear me open a hamburger wrapper from a mile away. 3) To Whom It May Concern: if you can read this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift. 4) I don't mind your bad kids running around if you don't mind me tripping them. 5) On my donor card I have indicated that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it "eck-cetera.".....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeLibra - October 4th: All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Shouting "30 milligrams, Stat!" in a crowded place is probably not going to win you any friends today.

Birthdays: Jean Francois Millet, painter 1814, Rutherford B. Hayes, 19th President of the United States 1822, Frederic Remington, painter/sculptor 1861, Damon Runyon, short story writer 1884, Buster Keaton, actor 1895, Charlton Heston, actor 1924, Anne Rice, author 1941, Susan Sarandon, actress 1946, Alicia Silverstone actress, producer 1976,,Rachael Leigh Cook actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blond woman goes to the hospital. The doctor asked, "What seems to be the problem?" The blond replied, "Something is terribly wrong. I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica 'down there'."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2) Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Down in Cajun country in the Louisiana bayou, Boudreaux was out in the field talking with his friend, Thibodeaux. Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know an I can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors." Thibodeaux says, "What's a bull constriptor?" Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

The next day, Thibodeaux went down to Kilberts reptile farm and bought the biggest boa constrictor that they had. He brought the snake to the barn and let him loose right in the middle and just sat there and watched.

Thibodeaux was watching for a long time and nothing happened. The big snake just curled up in the middle of the barn and slept all day. He didn't move and the rats ran all around.

Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on the phone and said, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra." Thibodeaux says, "Viagra?  What's dat gonna do?" Boudreaux says,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile dysfunction."

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Libertarian."

The teacher asked him why he's a Libertarian. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Libertarian and my Dad's a Libertarian, so I'm a Libertarian."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."

Single people always champion being single until they meet someone special. Then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus.

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, never trust a Tom. They are far too often involved in foolery or peeping. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

It was worth the ride over just to see the piggies in a pumpkin.
Loved the line about glitches and geniuses. Good one.
Enjoyed the funnies. Imma hoping the snake gets cured of the dysfunction....
Take care and enjoy the weekend yourownself.
Jack & Sherry wanting to take off to Florida....

salemslot9 said...

you're on top
of your game, Jimmy
(husky :D)