Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. If you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why you're there, don't panic.
Rather, stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, don't wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.
Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.
Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.
But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter.
The best parts are that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....
The News As I See It: The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.
Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year? Time magazine told the health workers, "No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you."
A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, "I had more leg room in the womb."
Cheerios will soon come out in new flavors like quinoa. The CEO of General Mills said the new flavor is in response to an overwhelming demand by no one, absolutely no one.
This Date In History: 1787;
Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.
1870;
Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first African American in the U.S. House of Representatives.
1913;
The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre.
1963;
Kenya gained its independence from Britain.
1998;
The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton.
2000;
The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida.
Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.
2) You may think that the human race is advanced, but when was the last time you saw a monkey worrying about his finances? 3) With ObamaCare premiums going up instead of down (as promised), some people can no longer afford doctors. Here's a tip: Just go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al-Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. 4) Times sure have changed. In biblical days, when an ass spoke, it was a miracle. 5) If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies very quietly.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 12th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two.
Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.
Birthdays: John Jay,
statesman 1745,
William Lloyd Garrison,
abolitionist 1805,
Gustave Flaubert,
novelist 1821,
Edvard Munch,
painter 1863,
Edward G. Robinson,
actor 1893,
Patrick O'Brian,
novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, American singer, actor 1915,
Bob Barker,
TV personality 1923,
Dionne Warwick,
singer 1941,
Tracy Austin,
tennis player 1962,
Jennifer Connelly,
actress 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with kosher chicken schmaltz, we made love and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said. "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?"
She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
He said, "Let me see." she said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you. You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but also needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.
The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looked very pleased and said, "The bull serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"
The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."
An older couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"
Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life, so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."
Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"
That's it for today, my little reindeer. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. Chances are that you'll find me in AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Joan Rivers passed away yesterday after her daughter Melissa took her off life support. Ms. Rivers stopped breathing during a "normal" throat procedure last week and apparently, the lack of oxygen to her brain while awaiting help was her demise.
There will be many accolades, regrets and condolences, mine being one of them, but I have to recount one of her most memorable lines that struck me as funny:
"I hated childbirth, that's why I only had one child. I would have liked to have had my children in a litter. Have all the kids at once! Put some papers down in a closet, give birth, keep the ones you like and sell off the runt."
Rest in peace, Joan.....
Common Core is probably one of the most useless organizations I have never seen. Besides the fact that it's another intrusion by big government into our personal lives, the logic, especially math, is made too complex for young children.
Their version of history is often changed to suit their political needs and, in some states, English is taught as a secondary language.
Common Core is set up in such a way that it can hardly be called voluntary. The Obama administration's grant program offers “Race to the Top” federal educational grants – which come from stimulus funds - to states if their school systems adopt preferred Obama policies like Common Core. States that adopt Common Core receive higher "scoring" from the Obama administration in their grant applications.
As a result of this coercion, only Nebraska, Alaska, Texas, Virginia and Minnesota have not adopted Common Core. Minnesota adopted the language arts standards but kept its own math standards.
There is no evidence that the curriculum works, and it will destroy innovation among the states.
Obama is attending a NATO summit in Wales this week with 67 other world leaders. Obama said that ISIS can be shrunk to "a manageable problem" if the international community works to “isolate” it.
Manageable? What an idiot! He’s trying to project strength and he comes up with this off-the-cuff remark? This is what happens when you take away a prepared speech and a teleprompter from a basketball player.
The News As I See It:
CVS drug stores announced that the corporation is changing itself to CVS Health and they're no longer selling cigarettes. They estimate the company will lose about $2 billion this year because they're no longer selling cigarettes. It is part of their customer health focus. Of course, you'll still be able to buy all the candy, soft drinks, crash diet drugs, beer and wine you want.
Competitors have no plans to follow suit. They understand the consequences of smoking and they also understand the wonderful consequences of making $2 billion a year.
If CVS really wants to demonstrate a commitment to health and wellness, get rid of the automatic doors. If you can't push a door open you are not allowed to buy a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.
Los Angeles is considering a new plan to boost the city’s minimum wage to $13.25 an hour. It’s getting huge support across the entire country.....of Mexico.
Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That's good because if there's one company you want to trust with your money, it's the company that leaked your nude photos.
A glitch in the John Madden NFL game has accidentally created a player who is 1 foot tall. Another glitch accidentally created an NFL player with no criminal record.
Five geckos sent into space as part of an experiment have all died. On the bright side, they were able to save 15 percent on their car insurance.
Vanna White from Wheel Of Fortune, has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since last Friday.
This Date In History: 1698;
Russia's Peter the Great levied a tax on bearded men.
1774;
The first Continental Congress met in Philadelphia.
1836;
The Republic of Texas made military hero Sam Houston its first president.
1905;
The Treaty of Portsmouth, which ended the Russo-Japanese War, was signed at the Portsmouth naval base in New Hampshire.
1972;
Palestinian guerrillas killed 11 Israelis at the Munich Summer Olympics.
1997;
Humanitarian Mother Teresa, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for her work with the poor, died in Calcutta, India, at age 87.
Picture Of The Day: Yep, I could live there.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of my lady friends went with me to the mall and I used the new valet parking. She said, "Valet parking! You are so sweet!" I told her, "Yep, and besides that, the valet always remembers where I parked my car."
2) It isn't until your kids start talking back that you realize a dog or cat would've been a better option.
3) Hey, you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!
4) My thirty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $100 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
5) The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 5th: Your vision will remain good and won't fail as long as you avoid sticking forks into your eyes. You may think later this month that your computer has been hacked, however, you will soon come to realize that the family pet has chewed through the cord of your mouse.
Birthdays: My friends Jocelyn and Lounet - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Louis XIV, king of France (1643–1715), son and successor of King Louis XIII 1638,
Jesse James,
outlaw 1847,
Mrs. H. H. A. Beach,
composer and pianist 1867,
Darryl F. Zanuck,
producer 1902,
Arthur Koestler,
writer 1905,
John Cage,
composer 1912,
Bob Newhart,
comedian 1929.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."
Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
Dewey says, "That's not against the law." Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"
Two good 'ole boys from Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minute, he turned to leave.
The reporter approached him and said, "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" The man replied, "Murray Lipschitz." She asked, "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" The old man said, "For about 60 years."
The reporter said, "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" The old man said, "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults."
The reporter asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" The old man replies, "Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."
When Jesus went to Heaven, the first thing he did was look for his father, as he has never met the man before and was curious as to what he looks like. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter, "Where is my father?" St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel, "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist ,"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. Jesus says, "Who are you?" The old man says."Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."
Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father?
Jesus says, "Tell me of your son, old man." The old man says, "Oh, you would know him if you saw him. He has holes in his hand where the nails used to be....."
Jesus shouts, "Father!!!" The old man yells, "Pinocchio!!!"
That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, everyone wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help with the dishes. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
