Friday, December 12, 2014

Do I Come Here Often?

Some of you may or may not be aware that as you get older, your brain occasionally goes on vacation without letting you know. You eventually learn from this. If you suddenly find yourself wondering where you are and why you're there, don't panic.

Rather, stand there for a moment or two and try to retrace you last known position to recreate the thought you may or may not have had. Additionally, don't wear your dazed and bewildered look as this can lead to having predators follow you like buzzards over a dying animal. It also stops other seniors near you from laughing or pointing at you.

Early signs of this malady usually begin with simple things like looking for five minutes for your glasses only to realize that they are on top of your head. Another frequent mishap is to go from room A to room B and upon arrival, not having the slightest idea of why you are there.

Occasional loss of thought and the innate inability to remember some one's name are a constant bother especially when you can remember the words to every song written since the beginning of time.

But fret not my little puppies. In order to reach this stage, you have to have lived a long, full life with beautiful memories and a lifetime of both good and bad memories, usually more of the former and less of the latter.

The best parts are that eventually, you'll be able to hide your own Easter eggs and meet new friends every day.....

The News As I See It: The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.

Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year? Time magazine told the health workers, "No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you."

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, "I had more leg room in the womb."

Cheerios will soon come out in new flavors like quinoa. The CEO of General Mills said the new flavor is in response to an overwhelming demand by no one, absolutely no one.

This Date In History: 1787; Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1870; Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first African American in the U.S. House of Representatives.

1913; The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre. 1963; Kenya gained its independence from Britain.

1998; The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton. 2000; The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons. 2) You may think that the human race is advanced, but when was the last time you saw a monkey worrying about his finances? 3) With ObamaCare premiums going up instead of down (as promised), some people can no longer afford doctors. Here's a tip: Just go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray and breast exam and if you mention al-Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. 4) Times sure have changed. In biblical days, when an ass spoke, it was a miracle. 5) If having dogs has taught me anything, it's how to eat cookies very quietly.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeSagittarius - December 12th: Feel free to share your inner-most secrets with your family and friends. They will adore you for your honesty and may only exclude you from everything they say or do for the next year or two.

Seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the smaller ones.

Birthdays: John Jay, statesman 1745, William Lloyd Garrison, abolitionist 1805, Gustave Flaubert, novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, painter 1863, Edward G. Robinson, actor 1893, Patrick O'Brian, novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, American singer, actor 1915, Bob Barker, TV personality 1923, Dionne Warwick, singer 1941, Tracy Austin, tennis player 1962, Jennifer Connelly, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body allover with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I sex too. I rubbed her body all over with kosher chicken schmaltz, we made love and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said. "I love it, but I have to stop eating it." He asked, "Why?"

She pointed to her lap and said, "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" He said, "Let me see." she said, "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too! "

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, It's too late for you. You've already got the neck and the gizzards!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but also needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped.

The farmer looked very pleased and said, "The bull serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and serviced all of my neighbor's cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?"

The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

An older couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life, so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

That's it for today, my little reindeer. Remember, a good discussion is like a miniskirt. Short enough to maintain interest and long enough to cover the subject. Chances are that you'll find me in AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

Enjoyed the opening. I am looking forward to it. And amazing how accurate you are on Biblical subjects: 4) Times sure have changed. In biblical days, when an ass spoke, it was a miracle. So Danged true.
Enjoyed the opening monolog. and I am still looking for ward to that time.
It will be a crisp walk back from area 51 tonight!