TSA: Would You Like A Lapdance With That Patdown?

I'm fed up with the concept of "political correctness"! Air line passengers are being forced to run the invasive sexual gauntlet because the government doesn't have the balls to profile passengers who fit the description. What's next? If some bearded asshole puts explosives inside the obvious parts of the body, are we going to have to be examined by a proctologist or a gynecologist before flying?

Screw being politically correct! If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....guess what? It's probably a damned duck! Israel doesn't have this problem. They blatantly profile because their lives depend on it. It's time to call a spade a spade! If we're wrong, apologize and give the person a free trip. In the interim, quit holding the entire American flying public hostage for the actions of a few assholes!

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in a movie called "The Expendables." If you add Steven Segall, Chuck Norris and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to the cast, you would have a movie called "The World's Worst Actors Make Another Shitty Action Movie."

The News As I See It: President Obozo has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel? Obozo also said that GM’s comeback will become "a success story" of the recession. GM said it wants to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering, and Toyota’s accelerators.

Happy birthday to Vice President Joe O'Biden. President O'Bummer got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag. O'Bummer was so excited, he asked O'Biden to attend the party for him.

This month, in1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln’s speech that day was so successful that TBS offered him the 10 pm slot.

Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber. How are you looking for someone and you know his exact age? Police have nicknamed the robber the "Geezer Bandit." They described him as "armed and flatulent." Victims of the Geezer Bandit’s last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids.

A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what’s unnecessary . . . and then ask China for $6 trillion.

This Date In History: 1497; Portuguese explorer Vasco de Gama became the first navigator to sail around the Cape of Good Hope in his search for a sea route to India. 1718; Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard the pirate, was killed off the east coast of North America.

1842; Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted. Ash fallout reached as far as 48 mi away. 1906; "S-O-S" was adopted as a distress signal at the International Radio Telegraphic Convention in Berlin. 1943; President Franklin Roosevelt, British prime minister Winston Churchill, and Chinese leader Chiang Kai-shek met in Cairo to discuss measures for defeating Japan.

1963; President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas. 1990; Margaret Thatcher announced her resignation as prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is having a field day with with the TSA and deservedly so. Between the invasive body scans and ass grabbing, America seems to be rising up in protest each day. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm just happy for the fodder (and da mudder too.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Sale: Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, hardly tickled. 2) For Sale: Six cows, never bred. Also one gay bull for sale. 3) For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britainica. Never read because wife already knows everything 4) For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby. 5) For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Cogito Eggo Sum: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

Birthdays: Abigail Adams, First Lady, writer 1744, Charles De Gaulle, general and statesman 1890, Hoagland Carmichael, songwriter 1899, Wiley Post, aviator 1899, Benjamin Britten, composer 1913, Rodney Dangerfield, comedian 1921, Geraldine Page, actress 1924, Jamie Lee Curtis, actress 1958, Mark Ruffalo, actor 1967, Boris Becker, tennis player 1967, Scarlett Johansson, actress 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had accidentally backed his Range Rover over the Queen's favorite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset.

The genie examines the dog, which is splattered all over the drive, and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do, so he'd best bury the dog. After he buried the dog, Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful, as the media was always poking fun at her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thought, dig up that f*cking dog again!"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor." Again, there is a bright flash and.....both his legs fall off.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.

The genie says, "Well, you know how it works. You have three wishes." The man says, "I'm not falling for this. I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." The genie says, "You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway." The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

The man says, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." Poof ! The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie says, "OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

The man says, "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." Poof ! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie says, "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." Poof ! He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. She said, "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" The genie says, "No, you have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

Monica says, "Let's see. I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. I don't need money, because since I wrote my book, and did all my interviews, I have all the money I could ever want."

She exclaimed, "I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." Poof! And just like that, her ears were gone.

That's it for today my little peacocks. Remember, beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

TSA: Was It Good For You Too?

If theTransportation Security Administration (TSA) is going to insist upon scanning our bodies and feeling us up...I mean, patting us down, they should at least make it a bit more enjoyable. What the hell, how about dimming the lights, put on some soft music and pour me a Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks.

Honestly, with pickpockets disappearing in New York City and other areas, now, if you want someone to reach into your pants, you have to go to the airport. Charlie Sheen went through airport security and was patted down. After he was done, he said, "Do you take American Express?"

The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for.

Here's a simple solution to the controversy. Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but, instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it detonates any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials. So, if you're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight Number 72", you'll know what's up.

I get a kick out of the current protests that Bristol Palin is still on "Dancing With The Stars" due to political influence and reasons. The Internet has been abuzz in recent days about how Bristol, who has consistently landed at the bottom of the judges' leaderboard on "Dancing With the Stars," has been able to remain on the show. Some critics have suggested that voters, particularly supporters of her mother, have been voting in blocs and manipulating the system.

Uh......Duh! That's the way politicians have done it for years. Didn't anyone watch "American Idol", I mean, the 2008 presidential election? Obama got over 90% of the Black vote. It's not a matter of talent. It's always been who lies the best and can influence the most idiots.

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back.

Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, "Sarah Palin’s Alaska." It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch. The new Oxford dictionary declared Palin’s made-up word "refudiate", the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not "dignitate" it with a response.

Rep. Charles Rangel was found guilty by the ethics committee and they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. That would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty.

Former President Georgie "Dubya" Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books.

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by François Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas. 1794;
John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treat.

1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pa. 1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel.

1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: My answer to avoiding body scans and the pat down is "Fly Naked Airlines." There would be three sections, all with the same amenities. Young, Middle Age and Old sections. Age before beauty, the old timers sit up front and the younger people in the rear. The middle age people get to sit in the middle of the plane to be able to look back to see what they missed and look ahead to see what they can look forward to. Me? I'm taking the train......gross!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter. 2) She likes to be a bitch so much that it pisses her off when her period ends. 3) Goodbye, and thanks for the radio, said Tom with a short wave. 4) April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims. 5) Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Clark, American Revolutionary General 1752, James A. Garfield, 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday, evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi, political leader 1917, Larry King, TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee, chemist 1936,

Ted Turner, business executive 1938, Calvin Klein, fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins, astronaut 1956, Allison Janney, actor 1960, Meg Ryan, actress 1961, Jodie Foster, actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes. I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor. I can't believe my daughter drinks." The blonde said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda and Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." Once again St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him and hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." But the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

That's it for today my little Dixie cups. Remember, think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish. I'm going to Happy Hour in AREA 51 (after I check my pockets). Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !