Friday, November 19, 2010

TSA: Was It Good For You Too?

If theTransportation Security Administration (TSA) is going to insist upon scanning our bodies and feeling us up...I mean, patting us down, they should at least make it a bit more enjoyable. What the hell, how about dimming the lights, put on some soft music and pour me a Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks.

Honestly, with pickpockets disappearing in New York City and other areas, now, if you want someone to reach into your pants, you have to go to the airport. Charlie Sheen went through airport security and was patted down. After he was done, he said, "Do you take American Express?"

The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA's full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn't be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That's what Thanksgiving with your family is for.

Here's a simple solution to the controversy. Develop an enclosed booth that passengers step into but, instead of X-raying them, when the door closes, it detonates any explosive device they have hidden on or in their body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

There would be no concern about racial profiling. The booth would eliminate long, expensive trials. So, if you're in the airport and you hear a muffled explosion, followed by an announcement over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight Number 72", you'll know what's up.

I get a kick out of the current protests that Bristol Palin is still on "Dancing With The Stars" due to political influence and reasons. The Internet has been abuzz in recent days about how Bristol, who has consistently landed at the bottom of the judges' leaderboard on "Dancing With the Stars," has been able to remain on the show. Some critics have suggested that voters, particularly supporters of her mother, have been voting in blocs and manipulating the system.

Uh......Duh! That's the way politicians have done it for years. Didn't anyone watch "American Idol", I mean, the 2008 presidential election? Obama got over 90% of the Black vote. It's not a matter of talent. It's always been who lies the best and can influence the most idiots.

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi has now been elected the new House minority leader. She was smiling from ear to ear, which is pretty impressive considering how far her ears have been pulled back.

Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, "Sarah Palin’s Alaska." It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch. The new Oxford dictionary declared Palin’s made-up word "refudiate", the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not "dignitate" it with a response.

Rep. Charles Rangel was found guilty by the ethics committee and they could expel him, but experts say that is not likely. That would set a bad precedent in Washington, punishing the guilty.

Former President Georgie "Dubya" Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books.

This Date In History: 1703; A masked man held prisoner in the Bastille in Paris died. His true identity was the cause of much intrigue, and his story became the basis of literary works by Fran├žois Voltaire and Alexandre Dumas. 1794;
John Jay and Lord Grenville signed Jay's Treat.

1863; Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address at the dedication of the national cemetery on the Civil War battlefield of Gettysburg, Pa. 1977; Egyptian president Anwar Sadat became the first Arab leader to visit Israel.

1985; Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev met for the first time in Geneva. 1990; Milli Vanilli's Grammy award was rescinded after it was discovered they didn't do their own singing.

Picture Of The Day: My answer to avoiding body scans and the pat down is "Fly Naked Airlines." There would be three sections, all with the same amenities. Young, Middle Age and Old sections. Age before beauty, the old timers sit up front and the younger people in the rear. The middle age people get to sit in the middle of the plane to be able to look back to see what they missed and look ahead to see what they can look forward to. Me? I'm taking the train......gross!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone South for the Winter. 2) She likes to be a bitch so much that it pisses her off when her period ends. 3) Goodbye, and thanks for the radio, said Tom with a short wave. 4) April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims. 5) Copywight 2010 Elmer Fudd. All Wights Wesewved......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Clark, American Revolutionary General 1752, James A. Garfield, 20th American President 1831, Billy Sunday, evangelist 1862, Indira Gandhi, political leader 1917, Larry King, TV personality 1933, Yuan T. Lee, chemist 1936,

Ted Turner, business executive 1938, Calvin Klein, fashion designer 1942, Eileen Collins, astronaut 1956, Allison Janney, actor 1960, Meg Ryan, actress 1961, Jodie Foster, actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes. I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor. I can't believe my daughter drinks." The blonde said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Linda and Skip for their contributions to today's stories.

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." Once again St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him and hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." But the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

That's it for today my little Dixie cups. Remember, think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish. I'm going to Happy Hour in AREA 51 (after I check my pockets). Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

I flew to Boston in October and I was directed to the "TSA" scanning machine. I was not asked if I preferred the pat down instead.

Well, I'm all for safety when flying so I don't know what all the fuss is about. The alternative could be devasting!

I didn't even get a chance to ask if the exrays would be harmful to my they saw through my undies.......big deal. LOL

Hugs, Rose

Heli gunner Tom said...

The TSA treated me like used toilet tissue the last time I flew-- 7 years ago. Bottom line: The sheep are going to be sheared. If people don't stand up for their basic rights-- Big Brother is going to take away the rest of their freedoms.

Tom S

jack69 said...

I like the bomb room idea.

I like profiling better. I wish we had some politicians with some big ones who would say, "Profile by-golly' and all that goes with it.
Seem sorta stupid to treat a 97 yr old grandma the same as a 20 yr old Muslim with beard and sand suit.

However if you are taking up to buy the lady a vase, let me know. We will send something.

Thanks for the laughs.

From NC

Paula said...

I fell in the creek one time and I didn't check my pockets. I'm blonde.

Joann said...

I LOVE your idea for the sealed booth at the airport check in... JIMMY FOR PRESIDENT!!

Cracked up at the one about the 3 blondes in heaven!

Adirondackcountrygal said...

The sealed bomb room sounds good, but I feel sorry for the minimum wage schmuck that has to clean it up after!

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy we all seem to agree on the idea of a sealed bomb booth I think that is brilliant ~
Have a good weekend ~ and thanks for the laughs ~ Ally x

kbear said...

Think I'll stick with the train too, or at least drive my self to wherever I want to go..don't touch my junk either!!! love this entry!

Senorita said...

I agree that TSA is a flipping joke. I am all for our nation's security, but I really think the rules they have and they way they go about it is a total joke.

Also, I think the media is blowing this waaaay out of proportion. I traveled a couple of months ago, and there were no problems with me or the other people in our long lines.

I think it gets really invasive for people that have medical problems and wear prosthetic parts, or medical devices in their bodies. These people should be treated with more dignity.

Time to step off my soap box.

Julie said...

Heck the medium wage guy who has to clean it up, hire an illegal alien, they do the jobs we don't want to, right, LOL. Heck Jimmy. This post was just chock full of things to comment on, loved the booth, loved the tennis elbow, loved the graphics. Keep it up, you are the master.