Monday, November 22, 2010

TSA: Would You Like A Lapdance With That Patdown?

I'm fed up with the concept of "political correctness"! Air line passengers are being forced to run the invasive sexual gauntlet because the government doesn't have the balls to profile passengers who fit the description. What's next? If some bearded asshole puts explosives inside the obvious parts of the body, are we going to have to be examined by a proctologist or a gynecologist before flying?

Screw being politically correct! If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.....guess what? It's probably a damned duck! Israel doesn't have this problem. They blatantly profile because their lives depend on it. It's time to call a spade a spade! If we're wrong, apologize and give the person a free trip. In the interim, quit holding the entire American flying public hostage for the actions of a few assholes!

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are in a movie called "The Expendables." If you add Steven Segall, Chuck Norris and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to the cast, you would have a movie called "The World's Worst Actors Make Another Shitty Action Movie."

The News As I See It: President Obozo has a tough decision to make this week. Which turkey does he pardon — the thanksgiving one or Charlie Rangel? Obozo also said that GM’s comeback will become "a success story" of the recession. GM said it wants to thank those who made its recovery possible: Toyota’s brakes, Toyota’s steering, and Toyota’s accelerators.

Happy birthday to Vice President Joe O'Biden. President O'Bummer got him a gag gift. Not a funny gift, an actual gag. O'Bummer was so excited, he asked O'Biden to attend the party for him.

This month, in1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain. Lincoln’s speech that day was so successful that TBS offered him the 10 pm slot.

Police in San Diego are looking for a 78-year-old bank robber. How are you looking for someone and you know his exact age? Police have nicknamed the robber the "Geezer Bandit." They described him as "armed and flatulent." Victims of the Geezer Bandit’s last robbery say he threatened to tell them stories of his grandkids.

A group of economists unveiled a new plan to reduce the deficit by $6 trillion in the next 10 years. The first step of the plan is to look at all our spending over the past five years, determine what’s unnecessary . . . and then ask China for $6 trillion.

This Date In History: 1497; Portuguese explorer Vasco de Gama became the first navigator to sail around the Cape of Good Hope in his search for a sea route to India. 1718; Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard the pirate, was killed off the east coast of North America.

1842; Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted. Ash fallout reached as far as 48 mi away. 1906; "S-O-S" was adopted as a distress signal at the International Radio Telegraphic Convention in Berlin. 1943; President Franklin Roosevelt, British prime minister Winston Churchill, and Chinese leader Chiang Kai-shek met in Cairo to discuss measures for defeating Japan.

1963; President John F. Kennedy was assassinated while riding in a motorcade in Dallas. 1990; Margaret Thatcher announced her resignation as prime minister of the United Kingdom.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is having a field day with with the TSA and deservedly so. Between the invasive body scans and ass grabbing, America seems to be rising up in protest each day. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I'm just happy for the fodder (and da mudder too.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) For Sale: Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, hardly tickled. 2) For Sale: Six cows, never bred. Also one gay bull for sale. 3) For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britainica. Never read because wife already knows everything 4) For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby. 5) For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain......and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: Cogito Eggo Sum: I think; therefore I am a waffle.

Birthdays: Abigail Adams, First Lady, writer 1744, Charles De Gaulle, general and statesman 1890, Hoagland Carmichael, songwriter 1899, Wiley Post, aviator 1899, Benjamin Britten, composer 1913, Rodney Dangerfield, comedian 1921, Geraldine Page, actress 1924, Jamie Lee Curtis, actress 1958, Mark Ruffalo, actor 1967, Boris Becker, tennis player 1967, Scarlett Johansson, actress 1984.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had accidentally backed his Range Rover over the Queen's favorite corgi and squashed it flat. He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset.

The genie examines the dog, which is splattered all over the drive, and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do, so he'd best bury the dog. After he buried the dog, Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful, as the media was always poking fun at her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says "On second thought, dig up that f*cking dog again!"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty-four." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crossed his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor." Again, there is a bright flash and.....both his legs fall off.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head!"

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit.

The genie says, "Well, you know how it works. You have three wishes." The man says, "I'm not falling for this. I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." The genie says, "You might as well it looks like your a goner anyway." The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

The man says, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." Poof ! The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie says, "OK, kid, what's your second wish?"

The man says, "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." Poof ! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie says, "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." Poof ! He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. She said, "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" The genie says, "No, you have been very bad recently, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

Monica says, "Let's see. I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. I don't need money, because since I wrote my book, and did all my interviews, I have all the money I could ever want."

She exclaimed, "I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." Poof! And just like that, her ears were gone.

That's it for today my little peacocks. Remember, beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

If you ahdn't called him O'Bozo, I'd ask you to write him a letter asking him to suggest profiling, But then that would probably be a mistake. All women 75 and above would be strip searched just to show we are fair.

Are they honestly this stupid???

But thanks for the other laughs!!!

Paula said...

You've been dealing with a lot of genies today and they are all funny.

Joann said...

LOVED the pics!!! Hilarious!!!

Yes, you are absolutely RIGHT about the profiling in this case, they should just do it, I don't see what the problem is.

Dirk said...

Great post, Jimmy! Wonder how many Muslims wearing traditional clothing have been picked out for pat downs? They could seriously hide a bazooka in there!

Like a billboard in Atlanta said, "Profiling would have prevented 9/11." That's what "political correctness" and being careful to not offend certain groups got us. No one can call it racial profiling - last time I checked, "Muslim" was not a race or ethnic group.