Somalia, You Screwed With The Wrong People !

United States Navy Seal snipers opened fire and killed three of the four Somali pirates holding American captain Richard Phillips at gunpoint, delivering the skipper unharmed and ending a five-day high-seas hostage drama on Easter Sunday. The Seal snipers shot and killed the three pirates with three individual shots to the head by three individual snipers.The fourth pirate, who had come aboard a nearby US warship for negotiations, was captured immediately.

Defense Department twice asked Obama for permission to use military force to rescue Phillips, most recently late Friday evening, U.S. officials said. On Saturday morning, Obama finally signed off on the Pentagon's request.

This is exactly what the navy should have done and I hope it sends a clear message to the Somali street monkeys that this is the fate they should look forward to when messing with Americans. The only thing that I would have done differently would have been to immediately shoot the captured Somali pirate in the head and hang his sorry ass from the yardarms.

We should not allow any lawless nation or groups to ever hold America at ransom and I'm proud of the U.S. Navy Seals, the Navy and all of our military for handling the situation properly.

The 2009 Masters Golf Champion is Angel Cabrera, who won the tournament on the second hole of a sudden death playoff at the Augusta National Golf Club Sunday afternoon. Cabrera defeated 48 year old Kenny Perry, who blew a two stroke lead, bogeying the last two holes and forcing a three way playoff. Chad Cambell, Perry and Cabrera began the playoff with Campbell falling by the wayside on the first playoff hole. Cabrera becomes the first Masters Champion from Argentina.

This Date In History: 1829; The Catholic Emancipation Act gets royal assent, granting full political and civil liberties to Roman Catholics. 1919; The Amritsar Massacre sees hundreds of Indian civilians killed by soldiers of the British Empire. 1964; Sidney Poitier becomes the first Black American actor to win an Academy Award, for his performance in Lilies of the Field. 1970; An oxygen tank explodes aboard Apollo 13 as it nears the Moon, forcing the astronauts to return to Earth.

Picture Of The Day: Augusta National Golf Club, the host of the Masters Golf Tournament is the subject of today's pictures. We are entering a two month window of excitement, beauty and elegance in America. It began with the Masters Golf Tournament, and the next event is the Triple Crown of horse racing, highlighted by the Kentucky Derby. It ends with the Indianapolis 500 on Memorial Day Weekend.

Fortunately, we are finished with television coverage of professional and college basketball with the exception of CNN's continuing coverage of Obama's basketball pick-up games. The months of April and May should provide a wealth of beautiful pictures, beginning with today's stunning pictures of Augusta National Golf Club.

Birthdays: Catherine de Medici, French queen 1519, Thomas Jefferson, American revolutionary and president 1743, Frank Winfield Woolworth, American merchant 1852, Robert Watson-Watt, pioneer of radar 1892, Samuel Beckett, Irish playwright 1906.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have played golf for years. My handicap is that I play golf. 2) My favorite hole on the golf course is the 19th hole (for those you who do not follow the sport, a golf course has 18 holes. The 19th hole is the clubhouse bar). 3) I attempted to teach a girlfriend of mine to play golf but she had a distinct distain for walking long distances chasing white balls. I asked her if she was a racist. 4) I shot a two over par 74 on my first trip to the golf course. Then I played the second hole. 5) One of my fondest golf memories was dating a beautiful blond bartender named Sofia. It went well for three months until she learned that I wasn't a golf pro. I often wonder where she got that idea in the first place......

I've added three great songs to my playlist, "You Don't Know Me," by Michael Buble, "Suds In The Bucket" by Sara Evans and "You Were Mine," by the Dixie Chicks. You can search the playlist and click to hear them. You may also want to listen to an excellent rendition of "Easter Parade," by the inimitable Oscar Peterson.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Your stance is probably too wide!"

Last summer, John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. John said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

The woman says, "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker." John was quiet for a moment, then he replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon said, "I have some good news and some bad news, says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, "Oh, no! My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" "The doctor said, The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." The man agrees and the operation does well.

A year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. The surgeon asks, "Hi, how's the new arm?" The businessman replies, "Great, I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." The surgeon says that's great!"

The golfer continued, "Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." The surgeon says, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects." The golfer said, "Well, there's just one problem. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

That's Jimmy's Journal for today my little Easter peeps. Look for my take on Bo, the new White House puppy and more on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Easter Chicken Actually Eggsists !

Jimmy's Journal has discovered the cause of the recent appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America. Scientists have discovered the existence of the species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen. The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chickens referred to as Chickus Kay Eff See Us and Chickus Perdueus.

It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April. It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs. Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

Oddly enough, the chicken was discovered by Al Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet. Sharpton quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by the scientists. During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and is believed to be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

I could solve the Somali Pirate problem in one week. The problem is that everyone worries what the world would say if we blew these sons of whores out of the water with a rocket launcher. Well that's too bad! If it were my ship, I'd hire a few capable soldiers and snipers and use their talents, if necessary. If any unknown craft came within one half mile of my ship, I would immediately begin firing warning shots.

Once the craft was within one quarter mile of my ship. my snipers would take out one person on board. If they ship did not turn about after that, I would blow it out of the water with a rocket launcher. Once the word gets out and the scumbags know how we roll, they'll return to their normal habits of screwing over and killing their own and leave the rest of us alone.

Am I the only one who noticed that Barack Hussein Obama didn't bow to the Queen of England, but he bowed to the king of Saudi Arabia?

Earn Money Taking Surveys: I have added another site called My Survey to my list of trusted survey sites. I personally use all the listed sites and I am averaging between $50 and $100 per month taking surveys in my spare time. You won't get rich taking the surveys, but if you have the time, the extra money is welcome. Checks are mailed directly to you. If you'd like more information from me about these sites, you can email me at jimsulliv3@aol.com and I'll be happy to explain it to you in further detail.

This Date In History: 1919; Emiliano Zapata, the Mexican revolutionary leader and agrarian reformer, is assassinated. 1925; The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is published. 1954; Auguste Lumière, one of two pioneer film-maker brothers, dies in Lyon, aged 91. 1998; The Good Friday Agreement is signed in Belfast as a precursor to peace in Northern Ireland.

Picture Of The Day: Well, I guess you've figured out today's theme by now. I've always enjoyed Easter and it's the one time of the year that nearly everybody goes to Sunday church services. Our minister always had to take several doses of his heart medication so that he didn't have a heart attack when he saw us on Easter Sunday. Nevertheless, it was the one time of the year that I really enjoyed the Sunday services.

Birthdays: My pal, Barbie. Happy Birthday baby! 19XX, Lew Wallace, American military leader and writer 1827, William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army 1829, Joseph Pulitzer, American journalist 1847, Ben Nicholson, painter and sculptor 1894, Clare Booth Luce, American playwright, legislator, and diplomat 1903, Paul Theroux, American novelist and travel writer 1941.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've found that when the chips are down, the buffalo is usually empty. 2) There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL. 3) Being a singer and a musician, I am accustomed to being on stage. The worst case of stage fright I ever had was standing in front of the priest when I got married. 4) My Mom made me an Easter basket every year until the last few years of her life. 5) I've learned that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no...." The man went on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replied, "Because you're at the Home Depot.

On Easter Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? The priest explained, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The preacher asked, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replied, "No, I didn't!" The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

That's it for today my little Easter bunnies. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51. Have a happy Easter, a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

If You Think There's A Controversary Over The Obama Chia Pet, Wait 'Til You See Mine !

Opportunists never cease to amaze me and the reactionaries are always there to cry foul. The latest thing to cause the likes of "Podium Al" Sharpton to piss and moan is the Obama Chia Pet. Walgreen's stores in Tampa and Chicago have pulled the "Chia Obama" from their shelves, after some customers complained the plants were racist.

When contacted by Jimmy's Journal correspondents, "Podium Al" Sharpton surprisingly remarked that, although he thought the Obama Chia Pet was in poor taste, he did not feel it was overly racist. Sharpton said, "I have axed my peoples to investigate the racist charges and I will have more to say after I have read the reports."

Our correspondent then asked about the rumors of an Al Sharpton Chia Pet that would soon be on the market. Mr. Sharpton angrily responded that he was not an opportunist and he has not suggested or done anything to fuel the rumors.

When asked about subtle changes in his hair color that might suggest that he had, in fact, jumped on the Obama Chia Pet gravy train, Sharpton snapped, "The only reason that my hair color has changed a bit is that I was celebrating Saint Patrick's Day in honor of our Irish president, Barack O'Bama. If the Chia Pet company sees any reason to create an Al Sharpton Chia Pet and compensate me, it would be un-Irish of me not to accept their generosity."

Sharpton went on to say he is not one to jump on just any cause or subject for the money, publicity and notoriety.........

This Date In History: 1652; Cape Town, South Africa, is founded by Jan van Riebeeck as a supply post for the Dutch East India Company. 1973; Spanish painter and sculptor Pablo Picasso dies at his villa in France, aged 91. 1904; Britain and France sign the Entente Cordiale. 1994; Rock star Kurt Cobain commits suicide at his home in Seattle, Washington.

Picture Of The Day: Every time I try to keep my political satire in check, some dufus comes up with something stupid and, quite honestly, I just can't resist shooting political ducks in a barrel. I heard the news on Monday that an Obama Chia Pet had been introduced to the market and was being sold in Walgreens. Almost immediately, the usual cry of racism was on the news and Walgreens pulled the product from the market.

So, I went to my handy dandy paint program and voila ! - the Al Sharpton Chia Pet for your dining and dancing pleasure. Naturally, I wanted an even better product, than the Obama and Sharpton Chia Pets, so I made the Jimmy Chia Pet. It's a little more expensive than the other products because of the price of the seeds, but when you trim it and dry the leaves, you can smoke it.

Birthdays: Buddha, founder of Buddhism 563 BC, Giuseppe Tartini, Italian violinist and composer 1692, Harvey Cushing, brain surgeon 1869, Adrian Boult, conductor 1889 Mary Pickford, professional name of Gladys Smith. American actress and film producer 1893.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't sweat the petty things and I definitely do not pet the sweaty things. 2) The majority of intelligent conversations that I get involved in are with women, with the exception of shoe sales, of course. 3) I once got a sweater for Christmas but what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner. 4) I've always wondered how do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 5) I have pictures of myself with women in AREA 51 and although I remember the times and their faces, I cannot remember their names. This is one of them. It appears that I'm having a good time.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Some psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes and the leader asked, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" Mr. Nichols replied, "Sadness." The leader continued, "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" Mr. Biggs answered, "Elation."

The leader turned to Bubba and said, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intensively at the youth's multicolored Mohawk haircut. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, you never done anything interesting in your life?" The man responded, "Yeah, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son."

That's it for today my little chipmunks. It's Hump Day, so I'm going to AREA 51 to see my pals.

Stay Tuned !

A Fine AREA 51 Weekend !

Nostalgia has a way of involving itself with my social calendar and so Saturday night I was out and about frequenting some of the AREA 51 night clubs around the area that I haven't visited in a while. It turned out to be quite the evening and I ran into quite a few people that I haven't seen for some time.

The first place I stopped was Lakes Cafe and Sports Bar and I was surprised to see my pal, Brenda, who is now working there as a bartender. Brenda used to be one of the bartender at Krystel's Restaurant and Lounge and it was great to see her again.

I spent some time speaking with my friends and listening to the music at Lakes before leaving to go to The Billiards Club. Once again, it was good to see the familiar faces there and I spent some time speaking with James the bartender, who always has great jokes to share with his clientele.

A funny thing about nightlife is that the nightclubs and their patrons become more and more strange the later you stay out. Philosophers and thinkers abound at this time of the night and it is crucial that you have the ability to give that understanding nod of agreement. Additionally, it is even more important to have the ability to speak and understand Jack Daniels. Fortunately, I am fluent in Jack Daniels, having spent several years dating a young lass who was schooled at the University of Tennessee.

Everyone seems always to be better looking near closing time but there's an exception to every rule. There are some night spots, especially parts of the Florida Keys, that it's a good idea to go ugly, early. That decision is normally based on the ratio of women to men. Of course, if you're a female, you're more apt to sit back and be choosy as you'll normally have the pick of the litter. You may have to kiss a number of frogs before you find your Prince Charming, though.

All and all, I had a great time in AREA 51 and I got home in the neighborhood of 4:00, which is a neighborhood I'm quite familiar with.

Carrie Underwood won both the Top Female Vocalist and the Entertainer of the Year awards at the Academy of Country Music Awards last evening. Brad Paisly won the Top Male Vocalist. Rascal Flatts won the Top Vocal Group award for the seventh straight year and they might as well rename the award for them, because they're just that good. Underwood is the first female to win the Entertainer Of The Year Award since the 2000 win by the Dixie Chicks. Taylor Swift won the Album Of The Year Award.

This Date In History: 1199; Richard I is fatally wounded by an arrow during an insignificant skirmish. 1830; Joseph Smith founds the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as Mormonism. 1896; The first modern Olympic Games are held in Athens. 1909; American explorer Robert Peary, it is generally accepted, leads the first party to reach the North Pole. 1917; The United States declares war on Germany and enters World War I.

Picture Of The Day: Nightlife is the subject and today's pictures are reflective of today's theme. The fun part of a good party night is that you always run across something or someone you know and you never know what's going to happen.

Then again, there's always the chance that you'll run into that certain someone you were hoping to avoid. It's always handy to have a prepared statement pertaining to the reason that you're out and about when you reported earlier that you were sick and bed ridden to the point that you were considering contact the Mayo Clinic. Relying on the chance that using the "miracle occurred " line of defense is not advisable.

Birthdays: Raphael, Renaissance painter 1483, James Mill, philosopher-economist 1773, Harry Houdini, professional name of Ehrich Weiss, American magician, born in Budapest, Hungary 1874, Anthony Fokker, Dutch-American aircraft designer 1890, James Dewey Watson, American biochemist 1928.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Being a singer and musician, I'm always torn between my musical dignity and my sex life when dancing with an attractive woman who seductively sings out of tune in my ear. My sex life usually wins out in the end (no pun intended). 2) I often wonder that if one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 3) The determining factor as to who one chooses to dance with is based on quantity of drinks consumed and time of night. 4) I have no patience for parents who allow little Johnny to run rampant around stores, screaming and raising havoc among other shoppers in the store. One woman once said to me, "I just don't know what to make of him." I said, "How about an end table?" 5) When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. Two weeks after the surgery she decides to try her new face out in public. She stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, she says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" The sales clerk said, "About 32." The woman says happily, "I'm actually 47."

After that she goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." She says, "I am actually 47." After lunch, she is outside standing at the bus stop. She asks an old man the same question. The man replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my under your blouse and feel your breasts for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought what the hell and let him slip her hand under her blouse. Ten minutes later the old man says, "OK, You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

An Avon Lady (not from cold and rainy Washington State) was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to pass gas. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

A drunken man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The drunk said, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

That's it for today my little Tequila sunrises. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Nostalgic Memories Of The Original AREA 51

I'm feeling a bit nostalgic today, so I thought I'd take you on a trip down memory lane to the original AREA 51 and the place where it all began. The original restaurant and lounge began as a private club in the 70's called the Le Sabre Club and I, along with many other business men and friends, became a member. It was a good place for a business lunch and an excellent happy hour watering hole.

A few years later, the Le Sabre Club closed and after a few stints under different owners, it became Delaney Street owned by my friend Kay. I must admit that over the years, I spent many an evening at Delaney Street and it was there that the name AREA 51 originated.

I am a creature of habit and I normally sat in the same chair, in the same area of the lounge. My friends also sat in the same area and over the years, it became sort of a "Cheers" area of the bar. It was a happening area and one evening a lovely young lass asked me why our area was so popular and, tongue in cheek, I told her that we were all descendants of the aliens captured in the flying saucer crash in AREA 51 near Roswell Air Force Base in the 1950's.

Our story became popular and from then on, our area was referred to as "AREA 51". A friend of mine made a white sign the size of a auto tag with the words AREA 51 boldly printed on it and fastened it above my bar stool. The rest is history and you'll see most of those printable stories in my journal from time to time.

Sadly, Delaney Street closed a few years back and the restaurant and lounge has changed hands a few times since then. My friend Emilio owned it for a while and it was called Krystel's Restaurant and Lounge while he owned it. The majority of today's pictures are from that era. Additionally, my sidebar pictures of Nicole and myself along with the pictures of Rocio and myself, were taken either inside or outside of Krystels.

AREA 51 lives on as a state of mind and not necessarily a place. Everyone has his or her own AREA 51 and I'm certain that my fellow AREA 51 journalist members are well qualified to come up with a few stories of their own.

The British Tabloids are all over Michele Obama and her meeting and interactions with the Queen of England. While I am not a fan of Ms. Obama, there comes a point in time that you have to say "enough already." Michele Obama is an intelligent woman and I'm sure she knew she wasn't going to a bar-b-cue. As for the intricacies of how to address the queen, what to do and what not to do, you do the best you can and to hell with it. I'm also quite sure that the Queen is not going to have a hissy fit with those who err or do not understand the prescribed protocol when meeting her.

This Date In History: 1721; Robert Walpole is Britain’s first “prime minister”. 1860; The legendary Pony Express begins a mail service between Saint Joseph, Missouri, and Sacramento, California. 1882; Jesse James, the notorious American outlaw, is shot in the back by a member of his own gang seeking to claim a US$10,000-reward money. 1948; The Marshal Plan, or European Recovery Program, becomes law.

Picture Of The Day: Today's Friday and I'm itching to go to Area 51 and see what's going on. The featured picture today is a nostalgic view of the bar at the original AREA 51, where I enjoyed many evenings with my friends and a number of lovely ladies. Things change and time marches on, but memories cannot be erased. I hope you enjoy this little trip to my past and present.

Birthdays: Henry IV, British king 1367, George Herbert, poet 1593, Washington Irving, American writer 1783, Leslie Howard, film star 1893, Doris Day, American film and musical actress 1924, Marlon Brando, American actor 1924, Helmut Kohl, German chancellor 1930, Jane Goodall, British ethologist and authority on wild chimpanzees 1934.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have been in a few television commercials for various restaurants and nightclubs. 2) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 3) I don't like handling infants. They seem so fragile and I'm always afraid I'll injure them. I am, however, adept at holding the mothers. 4) My former apartment was two minutes or ten minutes walking distance from AREA 51, depending on my condition at the time. 5) Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks, "Who here has seen a ghost?" Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks, "Who here has spoken with a ghost?" Half the audience puts up their hands. The psychiatrist continued, "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

The psychiatrist then says. "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand. The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says, "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?" The man replies, "Oh no! I'm sorry. I didn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" The farmer replied "manure " The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer replied, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy said, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN: Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN: Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV.

That's it for today my little extraterrestrials. Have a great weekend! I'll see you tonight in AREA 51 and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

There's No Fool Like An April Fool.....Or So They Say

After putting it off until Old Mother Hubbard's proverbial cupboard was nearly bare, I went to the grocery store yesterday to stock up and the sticker shock just about floored me. Now I am not one who normally worries too much about prices and I simply make a list, go the store and purchase the items on the list. Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

I left for the grocery store about 1:00 pm and after a brief stop at the drug store, I went into Publix and began filling up my cart. I enjoy the excursion once I get to the store, it's just mustering up the desire to get up and go there that leaves me with an empty refrigerator and pantry.

I normally go to the store in the middle of the week at a time that most people are working. This gives me a rather empty and normally childless store to wander about at will. In addition to the uncluttered aisles there's usually two or three lovely women shopping as well, adding a little extra spice to the experience.

I knew that my bill would be higher than usual because it had been a while since I went shopping and I really didn't think too much about the checkout line. Of course, I totally disregarded the number one cardinal rule of shopping....eat before you go.

So, there I was, wandering through the aisles, purchasing the "I'm really hungry" equivalent of chocolate covered ants or anything else that caught my eye. There was an aisle or two that I don't really remember exactly what I put in my cart as I was watching a shapely lady in front of me and I was trying to pass her to see what she looked like.

When I got to the checkout line, I was pleased that I had not forgotten anything and there was no one in the line. As I unloaded the cart, I saw a man walk in the store with a wet umbrella and, as usual, mine was in the car in case the car needed it. That should have been an omen to me but it wasn't.

I heard someone say, "that will be $247.00" and I didn't look up because I knew she wasn't talking to me. That person said anew, "Sir, that's $247.00," and it was my cashier. After recovering from the sudden rush of blood to my head, I thought. "I'm going to take some of this crap back, especially the chocolate covered ants." And I would have too, but the shapely young lass that I had been watching in the "chocolate covered ant" aisle and was waiting to check out her order and.......

Free credit report companies....you've seen them; you've heard their little musical parodies song by a bunch of nimrods in pirate costumes. Well, the outfits are somewhat descriptive of these companies. They are pirates and they're out to scam you out of your money. If they wanted to be more visually truthful, they should be dressed as thieves.

The government is also aware of their scams and have established a credit report site called https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp Don't fall for the hype. You can end up spending $10-15 a month for something that is free.

The credit report companies have always been required by law to furnish a yearly free credit report, free of charge, to all that request one. The companies you see advertising on television are nothing more than opportunists using the unregulated Internet to scam innocent users.

AREA 51 Breaking News And Reports: Washington AREA 51 member and correspondent Linda reports that in honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins has issued a new flavor called "Barocky Road." It's half vanilla, half chocolate and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change and holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream. Reports are that not many people are feeling stimulated.

This Date In History: 1621; Massasoit, chief of the Wampanoags, and John Carver, governor of Plymouth Colony, sign the first peace treaty between Native Americans and Pilgrims. 1918; The Royal Air Force is created following the amalgamation of the Royal Flying Corps and the Royal Naval Air Service. 1945; US forces invade the Japanese island of Okinawa during World War II. Coast Guard petty officer James Sullivan receives a picture of his newborn son, James Jr, and proudly shows his newborn son's picture. Petty officer Sullivan points proudly at the size of his son's manhood until he is told that it's the boy's umbilical cord.

1979; Following a referendum, Iran is declared an Islamic Republic by the Shiite Muslim leader Ayatollah Khomeini. 1984; Soul singer Marvin Gaye is shot dead by his father in Los Angeles. 1991; The Warsaw Pact military alliance of Communist Eastern Europe is dissolved. 1999; Nunavut becomes the third independent territory in Canada.

Picture Of The Day: It's April Fool's Day, dontcha know and I'd be remiss if I didn't have today's theme reflect some of the parodies and jokes of the past. Then again, just about everything I write is a joke about somebody or something. Well, just about everything...

Nevertheless, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I expect to see the media doing their own little April Fool's day ditties, not realizing that a lot of the media themselves are a constant, 24-7-365 April Fool's day joke.

Birthdays: My Sweet Nicole. Happy Birthday, mi flaca linda ! 19XX, William Harvey, physician 1578, Abbé Prévost, French novelist 1697, Otto von Bismarck, German statesman 1815, Edmond Rostand, French playwright 1868, Edgar Wallace, mystery writer 1875.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've learned that a man can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. 2) The picture of me with a drink in my hand on my sidebar was taken aboard a Carnival Cruise line ship during a Christmas Party for Carnival's employees. I attended the party with my sister Jeanne and ended up performing at a piano bar. 3) I wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 4) While fishing with my buddy Victor in the Florida Everglades, our boat motor broke down and we had to paddle 4 miles with one oar before we got back to the fishing camp. Needless to say, it took all night. 5) I never worry about anything I can't change....except for diapers.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

A man had a bunch of Canadian dollars he needed to exchange, so he went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. The line was short with the exception of an an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo dis many yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."

Did you see my April Fool's Day joke? It's not hidden but it's well disguised.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. The cowboy said, "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him? The Indian replies, "Dog no talk." The cowboy turns to the dog and says, "Hey boy, how's it going?" The dog responds, "Doin' alright."

The cowboy asks the dog, "Is this Indian your owner?" The dog replies, yep." The cowboy says "How does he treat you?" The dog answers, "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

The cowboy asks the Indian, "Mind if I talk to your horse?" The Indians says, "Horse no talk." The cowboy turns to the horse and says, "Hey horse, how's it going? Is this Indian your owner? The horse says, "Yep, he's my owner and he treats me great. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

The cowboy then asks the Indian,"Mind if I talk to your sheep?" The Indian replies, "Sheep liar."

That's it for today my little April showers. I'm heading to AREA 51 to see if there's any April Fools. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !