A Butterfly Emerges !

Every once in a while, tucked between the usual daily media doses of politics, crime and other sordid news reports, a heart warming story comes to the forefront and makes the top news story of the day. News with good results such as the the recent freeing of Captain Richard Phillips and the successful landing of the U.S. Airways jet piloted by Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger into the Hudson River come to mind.

Such is the case of 47 year old Susan Boyle, a contestant on Britain's Got Talent, the UK version of American Idol. During auditions for the show this week, Susan Boyle of the village West Lothian walked on to the stage to snickers from the audience and an eye-roll from Simon Cowell.

After she unleashed a perfect rendition of "I Dreamed a Dream" from the musical "Les Miserables," she left with the crowd on its feet. Boyle received three perfect scores and is the early favorite to win on the hit reality TV series. In just three days, the clip of Boyle's stunning performance has notched 2,605,000 views on YouTube.

Television and movies do not paint a realistic picture of the the average man or woman and sadly, it often sets goals that the average person cannot live up to or hope to attain. The reality of it all is that everyone has his or her flaws and most of us do not have the luxury of having make-up artists, hair stylists and photographers with their magic air brushes at our beck and call.

That fact notwithstanding, I cannot tell you how happy and pleased I was to see Ms. Boyle stand up amid the snickers and snide glances to show the world that one should never judge a book by its cover. Score one for the average citizen and put that in your American Idol pipe and smoke it. In case haven't seen it, you can see Ms. Boyle's performance on YouTube or by simply typing her name in your web browser and follow the links.

My Pal, Garnett, alerted me to the fact that in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion, and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed, and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award is alive and well and my pal, Linda from slowly warming Washington State has not one, but two deserving nominees for the CAT Award.

The first nominee is Hulk Hogan. Rolling Stone magazine reports that his wife Linda dumped him, forced him out of his $18 million mansion, allegedly started spending his money at the rate of $40,000 a month and dating "some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior."

Hogan told the magazine that, "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ, I get it."

The second nominees are Kristy and Michael, the two bonehead employees of Domino's Pizza who filmed themselves doing gross things to their customer's food and then were stupid enough to put the video on YouTube. Both of these yoyos are in their thirties, so it's not a case of a teenage prank, just stupidity. Both Kristy and Michael have been fired and are facing charges. There's medical remedies for just about everything, but you can't fix stupid!

It's Friday and a trip to AREA 51 is the order of the day. Maybe tonight I'll go to a karaoke bar and hang out. Who knows? Maybe I'll be "discovered."

This Date In History: 1521; Martin Luther appears before the Diet of Worms prior to his ex-communication. 1951; The Peak District becomes Britain’s first national park. 1961; US-backed Cuban exiles land at the Bay of Pigs in Cuba to overthrow Fidel Castro's government. 1975; Khmer Rouge guerrillas capture Cambodia's capital, Pnomh Penh. 1980; Zimbabwe gaims independence from Britain.

Picture Of The Day: The beautiful butterfly is the end result of what begins in life as a caterpillar. Although we are all butterflies at heart, the reality of life is that most of us remain being caterpillars and never morph into butterflies, at least superficially. The occasional exception is Susan Boyle, who may not fit the definition of a butterfly, but those of us who watched her emerge from life's cocoon know a true butterfly when we see one.

Birthdays: Henry Vaughan, Welsh poet and mystic 1622, Artur Schnabel, Austrian pianist and teacher 1882, Isak Dinesen, Danish writer 1885, Nikita Khrushchev, first secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union from 1953 to 1964, who concurrently held the post of Soviet prime minister 1894, Thornton Wilder, American author 1897.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have come to the conclusion that I get the majority of my exercise by sitting down, getting comfortable, then realizing that I forgot something in another room. 2) I've seen it all, done it all and I can't remember most of it. 3) I am enjoying Facebook and the ability to search out and find old friends and acquaintances. 4) I don't like to be told what to do unless I specifically ask for aid or instruction. 5) I'm told that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face, "Say Mom, why is my older brother named Storm Cloud"? His mother answered, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked "Why is my sister named Spring Water"? "Well your father and I were lying beside a beautiful river when we made her."

He then asked "And why is my other sister called Running Deer"? His mother said, "We were lying in the forest when she was conceived." The mother paused and said to her son, "Tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why are you so curious?"

One day a man was driving home when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her anything. Out of the corner of his eye he notices a shopping mall. Knowing that it was 'now or never', he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of the shop assistant. When asked what he'd like, he says, "a Barbie Doll." The shop assistant looks at him in a condescending manner and asks, "So Sir, which Barbie would that be?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues, "We have Barbie Goes To the Ball at $19.99, Barbie goes Shopping at $19.99, Barbie goes Clubbing at $19.99, Barbie Goes To The Gym at $19.99, Cyber Barbie at $19.99 and Divorced Barbie at $249.99."

The man can't help himself and asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $249.99 when all those other Barbies are selling for $19.99???" The clerk says "Well Sir, the Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture.....

That's it for today, my little butterflies. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Meet Bo Obama !

Well, America can now sleep easier as one of it's major concerns has been resolved. The Obamas have finally gotten a dog. His name is Bo and he is a Portuguese Water Dog. Colloquially known as a Portie, it's a water spaniel breed of gun dog. Portuguese Water Dogs once existed all along Portugal's coast, where they were taught to herd fish into fishermen's nets, to retrieve lost tackle or broken nets, and to act as couriers from ship to ship, or ship to shore.

According to Wikipedia, most Portuguese Water Dogs are entirely black, black and white, brown, or silver-tipped. it is common to see white chest spots and white paws or legs on black or brown coated dogs. However, in Portugal the breed standard does not allow more than 30% white markings. Overall, white is the least common Portuguese Water Dog color. Being both black and white, it looks like Bo has the proper breeding and credentials and will fit right into the Obama household.

Bo was a gift from Senator Edward Kennedy, who has two water dogs himself. Presumably, Kennedy became a fan of the Portuguese Water Dog years ago after driving over a bridge in Chappaquiddick.

Al "Podium Al" Sharpton had offered the Obamas one of his own dogs but was informed that his particular breed of dog was not hypoallergenic and that the Obamas were attempting to keep away from that class of dog. Sharpton, taken aback, responded that his dogs were being discriminated against and immediately axed one of his peoples to look up the definition "hypoallergenic" in the dictionary.

All kidding aside, it must have been hard for the Obama children to continually hear about all the things that their father is doing today in his attempt to get America's economy back on track, when the only important thing in their young minds was "where's my dog?" The Portie's love attention though and I'm sure that Bo will make a wonderful pet for the children.

The news agencies today are reporting of the appointment of a "drug czar" to deal with the problems of Mexican drug smugglers and assassins. Right! That's just what we need, another another talking head! What we really need is some more Navy Seal snipers situated at the border to take care of the Mexicans the same way we took care of the Somalis.

Today's Hump Day and and your 2008 Income Taxes are due. If that's not a good reason to head over to AREA 51, then there'll never be one. Personally, I'm sending a letter to the government telling them to deduct my taxes out of my stimulus payment.

This Date In History: 1755; Dr Samuel Johnson publishes his first dictionary, the most influential in the English language. 1912; The British liner Titanic sinks on the night of April 14–15, after crashing into an iceberg in the North Atlantic South of Newfoundland. More than 1,500 lives are lost. 1945; The Nazi concentration camp at Bergen-Belsen is liberated by units of the British 11th Armoured Division. 1980; French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre dies in Paris aged 74. 1986; The United States launches air strikes against Libya in response to its leader, Colonel Qaddafi's, alleged support of terrorism. 1990; Enigmatic Swedish film actress Greta Garbo dies in New York.

Picture Of The Day: The Portuguese Water Dog is a dog that loves to be in the middle of everything and responds well to attention. This is a picture of Bo with his Texas breeders when he was six and a half weeks old. Today's pictures of Bo are courtesy of MSNBC.com.

The picture of Al Sharpton's dog was acquired from the New York Police Department mug files. All dog suspects are presumed innocent until proven guilty.

Birthdays: Tomorrow April 16th; My Perfect Martini, Happy birthday my love 19XX, My sweetie pie, Gipsy 19XX. Today; Leonardo Da Vinci, Florentine artist, one of the great masters of the High Renaissance, celebrated as a painter, sculptor, architect, engineer, and scientist 1452, James Clark Ross, polar explorer 1800, Theodore Rousseau, French painter 1812, Wilhelm Busch, German satirical poet and artist 1832, Henry James, writer 1843. Bessie Smith, American blues singer 1894.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a dog named Beanie when I was growing up and, among his many attributes, was the unique ability to stand beside you, silently pass gas and then give you that Vinnie Barbarino "what?" look as the aroma reach your nostrils. 2) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. 3) I am a member of the mile high club, assuming, of course, if I'm permitted to count that special weekend in Denver, Colorado. 4) I've noticed that women feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. 5) The Internet brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be. You've got millions of friends out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the Internet will ask you to specify what type of goat.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into a man's yard. You could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. The dog followed the man into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and the man let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, the man pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

From my pal, Anne, comes this little ditty: A husband turns to his wife and says, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?" His wife replies, "I just clean the toilet." Her husband says, "How does that help?" His wife answers, "I use your toothbrush."

Hank was amazed at the length of the funeral procession going down Main Street. Watching awhile he observed that the procession consisted entirely of men. It was led by a man holding a Doberman Pincer. His curiosity got the best of him and walked up to the man at the front of the line. Hank said politely, "Excuse me for interrupting you in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?" The man said, "It's for my mother-in-law."

Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her." Hank said, "That's terrible. Hmmm....Is there any way you could lend me your dog for a day or so ?" The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line!"

That's Jimmy's Journal for today my little puppy dogs. It's Hump Day and Tax Day, so I'm going to AREA 51 to look for some last minute deductions. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Somalia, You Screwed With The Wrong People !

United States Navy Seal snipers opened fire and killed three of the four Somali pirates holding American captain Richard Phillips at gunpoint, delivering the skipper unharmed and ending a five-day high-seas hostage drama on Easter Sunday. The Seal snipers shot and killed the three pirates with three individual shots to the head by three individual snipers.The fourth pirate, who had come aboard a nearby US warship for negotiations, was captured immediately.

Defense Department twice asked Obama for permission to use military force to rescue Phillips, most recently late Friday evening, U.S. officials said. On Saturday morning, Obama finally signed off on the Pentagon's request.

This is exactly what the navy should have done and I hope it sends a clear message to the Somali street monkeys that this is the fate they should look forward to when messing with Americans. The only thing that I would have done differently would have been to immediately shoot the captured Somali pirate in the head and hang his sorry ass from the yardarms.

We should not allow any lawless nation or groups to ever hold America at ransom and I'm proud of the U.S. Navy Seals, the Navy and all of our military for handling the situation properly.

The 2009 Masters Golf Champion is Angel Cabrera, who won the tournament on the second hole of a sudden death playoff at the Augusta National Golf Club Sunday afternoon. Cabrera defeated 48 year old Kenny Perry, who blew a two stroke lead, bogeying the last two holes and forcing a three way playoff. Chad Cambell, Perry and Cabrera began the playoff with Campbell falling by the wayside on the first playoff hole. Cabrera becomes the first Masters Champion from Argentina.

This Date In History: 1829; The Catholic Emancipation Act gets royal assent, granting full political and civil liberties to Roman Catholics. 1919; The Amritsar Massacre sees hundreds of Indian civilians killed by soldiers of the British Empire. 1964; Sidney Poitier becomes the first Black American actor to win an Academy Award, for his performance in Lilies of the Field. 1970; An oxygen tank explodes aboard Apollo 13 as it nears the Moon, forcing the astronauts to return to Earth.

Picture Of The Day: Augusta National Golf Club, the host of the Masters Golf Tournament is the subject of today's pictures. We are entering a two month window of excitement, beauty and elegance in America. It began with the Masters Golf Tournament, and the next event is the Triple Crown of horse racing, highlighted by the Kentucky Derby. It ends with the Indianapolis 500 on Memorial Day Weekend.

Fortunately, we are finished with television coverage of professional and college basketball with the exception of CNN's continuing coverage of Obama's basketball pick-up games. The months of April and May should provide a wealth of beautiful pictures, beginning with today's stunning pictures of Augusta National Golf Club.

Birthdays: Catherine de Medici, French queen 1519, Thomas Jefferson, American revolutionary and president 1743, Frank Winfield Woolworth, American merchant 1852, Robert Watson-Watt, pioneer of radar 1892, Samuel Beckett, Irish playwright 1906.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have played golf for years. My handicap is that I play golf. 2) My favorite hole on the golf course is the 19th hole (for those you who do not follow the sport, a golf course has 18 holes. The 19th hole is the clubhouse bar). 3) I attempted to teach a girlfriend of mine to play golf but she had a distinct distain for walking long distances chasing white balls. I asked her if she was a racist. 4) I shot a two over par 74 on my first trip to the golf course. Then I played the second hole. 5) One of my fondest golf memories was dating a beautiful blond bartender named Sofia. It went well for three months until she learned that I wasn't a golf pro. I often wonder where she got that idea in the first place......

I've added three great songs to my playlist, "You Don't Know Me," by Michael Buble, "Suds In The Bucket" by Sara Evans and "You Were Mine," by the Dixie Chicks. You can search the playlist and click to hear them. You may also want to listen to an excellent rendition of "Easter Parade," by the inimitable Oscar Peterson.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A lady is golfing with some friends. After sinking her first putt, she's on her way down the path to the second tee when she gets stung by a bee. She rushes the short distance back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.

She bumps into the resident golf pro, who says "What can I help you with?" The woman tells him she's been stung by a bee. The pro asks, "Oh really, where?" The lady replies, "Between the first and second hole." The golf pro says, "Your stance is probably too wide!"

Last summer, John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. John said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

The woman says, "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker." John was quiet for a moment, then he replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon said, "I have some good news and some bad news, says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" The man cries, "Oh, no! My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?" "The doctor said, The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman’s arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." The man agrees and the operation does well.

A year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. The surgeon asks, "Hi, how's the new arm?" The businessman replies, "Great, I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." The surgeon says that's great!"

The golfer continued, "Not only that, my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." The surgeon says, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. I'm glad you didn't have side affects." The golfer said, "Well, there's just one problem. Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache!"

That's Jimmy's Journal for today my little Easter peeps. Look for my take on Bo, the new White House puppy and more on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

The Easter Chicken Actually Eggsists !

Jimmy's Journal has discovered the cause of the recent appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America. Scientists have discovered the existence of the species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen. The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chickens referred to as Chickus Kay Eff See Us and Chickus Perdueus.

It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April. It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs. Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

Oddly enough, the chicken was discovered by Al Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet. Sharpton quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by the scientists. During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and is believed to be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

I could solve the Somali Pirate problem in one week. The problem is that everyone worries what the world would say if we blew these sons of whores out of the water with a rocket launcher. Well that's too bad! If it were my ship, I'd hire a few capable soldiers and snipers and use their talents, if necessary. If any unknown craft came within one half mile of my ship, I would immediately begin firing warning shots.

Once the craft was within one quarter mile of my ship. my snipers would take out one person on board. If they ship did not turn about after that, I would blow it out of the water with a rocket launcher. Once the word gets out and the scumbags know how we roll, they'll return to their normal habits of screwing over and killing their own and leave the rest of us alone.

Am I the only one who noticed that Barack Hussein Obama didn't bow to the Queen of England, but he bowed to the king of Saudi Arabia?

Earn Money Taking Surveys: I have added another site called My Survey to my list of trusted survey sites. I personally use all the listed sites and I am averaging between $50 and $100 per month taking surveys in my spare time. You won't get rich taking the surveys, but if you have the time, the extra money is welcome. Checks are mailed directly to you. If you'd like more information from me about these sites, you can email me at jimsulliv3@aol.com and I'll be happy to explain it to you in further detail.

This Date In History: 1919; Emiliano Zapata, the Mexican revolutionary leader and agrarian reformer, is assassinated. 1925; The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald, is published. 1954; Auguste Lumière, one of two pioneer film-maker brothers, dies in Lyon, aged 91. 1998; The Good Friday Agreement is signed in Belfast as a precursor to peace in Northern Ireland.

Picture Of The Day: Well, I guess you've figured out today's theme by now. I've always enjoyed Easter and it's the one time of the year that nearly everybody goes to Sunday church services. Our minister always had to take several doses of his heart medication so that he didn't have a heart attack when he saw us on Easter Sunday. Nevertheless, it was the one time of the year that I really enjoyed the Sunday services.

Birthdays: My pal, Barbie. Happy Birthday baby! 19XX, Lew Wallace, American military leader and writer 1827, William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army 1829, Joseph Pulitzer, American journalist 1847, Ben Nicholson, painter and sculptor 1894, Clare Booth Luce, American playwright, legislator, and diplomat 1903, Paul Theroux, American novelist and travel writer 1941.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've found that when the chips are down, the buffalo is usually empty. 2) There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL. 3) Being a singer and a musician, I am accustomed to being on stage. The worst case of stage fright I ever had was standing in front of the priest when I got married. 4) My Mom made me an Easter basket every year until the last few years of her life. 5) I've learned that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage." The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? If I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no...." The man went on, "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?" The clerk replied, "Well, I probably wouldn't"

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?' The clerk replied, "Because you're at the Home Depot.

On Easter Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The boy asked, "Father Donovan, what is this? The priest explained, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque. Little Davey softly asked, "Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?"

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The preacher asked, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replied, "No, I didn't!" The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

That's it for today my little Easter bunnies. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51. Have a happy Easter, a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

If You Think There's A Controversary Over The Obama Chia Pet, Wait 'Til You See Mine !

Opportunists never cease to amaze me and the reactionaries are always there to cry foul. The latest thing to cause the likes of "Podium Al" Sharpton to piss and moan is the Obama Chia Pet. Walgreen's stores in Tampa and Chicago have pulled the "Chia Obama" from their shelves, after some customers complained the plants were racist.

When contacted by Jimmy's Journal correspondents, "Podium Al" Sharpton surprisingly remarked that, although he thought the Obama Chia Pet was in poor taste, he did not feel it was overly racist. Sharpton said, "I have axed my peoples to investigate the racist charges and I will have more to say after I have read the reports."

Our correspondent then asked about the rumors of an Al Sharpton Chia Pet that would soon be on the market. Mr. Sharpton angrily responded that he was not an opportunist and he has not suggested or done anything to fuel the rumors.

When asked about subtle changes in his hair color that might suggest that he had, in fact, jumped on the Obama Chia Pet gravy train, Sharpton snapped, "The only reason that my hair color has changed a bit is that I was celebrating Saint Patrick's Day in honor of our Irish president, Barack O'Bama. If the Chia Pet company sees any reason to create an Al Sharpton Chia Pet and compensate me, it would be un-Irish of me not to accept their generosity."

Sharpton went on to say he is not one to jump on just any cause or subject for the money, publicity and notoriety.........

This Date In History: 1652; Cape Town, South Africa, is founded by Jan van Riebeeck as a supply post for the Dutch East India Company. 1973; Spanish painter and sculptor Pablo Picasso dies at his villa in France, aged 91. 1904; Britain and France sign the Entente Cordiale. 1994; Rock star Kurt Cobain commits suicide at his home in Seattle, Washington.

Picture Of The Day: Every time I try to keep my political satire in check, some dufus comes up with something stupid and, quite honestly, I just can't resist shooting political ducks in a barrel. I heard the news on Monday that an Obama Chia Pet had been introduced to the market and was being sold in Walgreens. Almost immediately, the usual cry of racism was on the news and Walgreens pulled the product from the market.

So, I went to my handy dandy paint program and voila ! - the Al Sharpton Chia Pet for your dining and dancing pleasure. Naturally, I wanted an even better product, than the Obama and Sharpton Chia Pets, so I made the Jimmy Chia Pet. It's a little more expensive than the other products because of the price of the seeds, but when you trim it and dry the leaves, you can smoke it.

Birthdays: Buddha, founder of Buddhism 563 BC, Giuseppe Tartini, Italian violinist and composer 1692, Harvey Cushing, brain surgeon 1869, Adrian Boult, conductor 1889 Mary Pickford, professional name of Gladys Smith. American actress and film producer 1893.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I don't sweat the petty things and I definitely do not pet the sweaty things. 2) The majority of intelligent conversations that I get involved in are with women, with the exception of shoe sales, of course. 3) I once got a sweater for Christmas but what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner. 4) I've always wondered how do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 5) I have pictures of myself with women in AREA 51 and although I remember the times and their faces, I cannot remember their names. This is one of them. It appears that I'm having a good time.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Some psychiatrists were attending their first seminar on emotional extremes and the leader asked, "Just to establish some parameters, Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?" Mr. Nichols replied, "Sadness." The leader continued, "And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?" Mr. Biggs answered, "Elation."

The leader turned to Bubba and said, "And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?" Bubba replied, "I believe that would be giddyup."

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intensively at the youth's multicolored Mohawk haircut. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, you never done anything interesting in your life?" The man responded, "Yeah, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot and I was just wondering if you were my son."

That's it for today my little chipmunks. It's Hump Day, so I'm going to AREA 51 to see my pals.

Stay Tuned !

A Fine AREA 51 Weekend !

Nostalgia has a way of involving itself with my social calendar and so Saturday night I was out and about frequenting some of the AREA 51 night clubs around the area that I haven't visited in a while. It turned out to be quite the evening and I ran into quite a few people that I haven't seen for some time.

The first place I stopped was Lakes Cafe and Sports Bar and I was surprised to see my pal, Brenda, who is now working there as a bartender. Brenda used to be one of the bartender at Krystel's Restaurant and Lounge and it was great to see her again.

I spent some time speaking with my friends and listening to the music at Lakes before leaving to go to The Billiards Club. Once again, it was good to see the familiar faces there and I spent some time speaking with James the bartender, who always has great jokes to share with his clientele.

A funny thing about nightlife is that the nightclubs and their patrons become more and more strange the later you stay out. Philosophers and thinkers abound at this time of the night and it is crucial that you have the ability to give that understanding nod of agreement. Additionally, it is even more important to have the ability to speak and understand Jack Daniels. Fortunately, I am fluent in Jack Daniels, having spent several years dating a young lass who was schooled at the University of Tennessee.

Everyone seems always to be better looking near closing time but there's an exception to every rule. There are some night spots, especially parts of the Florida Keys, that it's a good idea to go ugly, early. That decision is normally based on the ratio of women to men. Of course, if you're a female, you're more apt to sit back and be choosy as you'll normally have the pick of the litter. You may have to kiss a number of frogs before you find your Prince Charming, though.

All and all, I had a great time in AREA 51 and I got home in the neighborhood of 4:00, which is a neighborhood I'm quite familiar with.

Carrie Underwood won both the Top Female Vocalist and the Entertainer of the Year awards at the Academy of Country Music Awards last evening. Brad Paisly won the Top Male Vocalist. Rascal Flatts won the Top Vocal Group award for the seventh straight year and they might as well rename the award for them, because they're just that good. Underwood is the first female to win the Entertainer Of The Year Award since the 2000 win by the Dixie Chicks. Taylor Swift won the Album Of The Year Award.

This Date In History: 1199; Richard I is fatally wounded by an arrow during an insignificant skirmish. 1830; Joseph Smith founds the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, also known as Mormonism. 1896; The first modern Olympic Games are held in Athens. 1909; American explorer Robert Peary, it is generally accepted, leads the first party to reach the North Pole. 1917; The United States declares war on Germany and enters World War I.

Picture Of The Day: Nightlife is the subject and today's pictures are reflective of today's theme. The fun part of a good party night is that you always run across something or someone you know and you never know what's going to happen.

Then again, there's always the chance that you'll run into that certain someone you were hoping to avoid. It's always handy to have a prepared statement pertaining to the reason that you're out and about when you reported earlier that you were sick and bed ridden to the point that you were considering contact the Mayo Clinic. Relying on the chance that using the "miracle occurred " line of defense is not advisable.

Birthdays: Raphael, Renaissance painter 1483, James Mill, philosopher-economist 1773, Harry Houdini, professional name of Ehrich Weiss, American magician, born in Budapest, Hungary 1874, Anthony Fokker, Dutch-American aircraft designer 1890, James Dewey Watson, American biochemist 1928.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Being a singer and musician, I'm always torn between my musical dignity and my sex life when dancing with an attractive woman who seductively sings out of tune in my ear. My sex life usually wins out in the end (no pun intended). 2) I often wonder that if one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 3) The determining factor as to who one chooses to dance with is based on quantity of drinks consumed and time of night. 4) I have no patience for parents who allow little Johnny to run rampant around stores, screaming and raising havoc among other shoppers in the store. One woman once said to me, "I just don't know what to make of him." I said, "How about an end table?" 5) When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. Two weeks after the surgery she decides to try her new face out in public. She stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, she says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" The sales clerk said, "About 32." The woman says happily, "I'm actually 47."

After that she goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." She says, "I am actually 47." After lunch, she is outside standing at the bus stop. She asks an old man the same question. The man replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my under your blouse and feel your breasts for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought what the hell and let him slip her hand under her blouse. Ten minutes later the old man says, "OK, You are 47." Stunned the woman says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

An Avon Lady (not from cold and rainy Washington State) was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to pass gas. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go and it was a doozy. Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.

A drunken man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" The Avon Lady said, "I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" The drunk said, "Like someone shit a Christmas tree."

That's it for today my little Tequila sunrises. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !