At A Certain Age, You'd Think I'd Learn....But I Don't !

I've got to stop going out the night before I write my journal because I'm usually not worth a shit the next day. On top of that, I got into a little spat with my sweet Nicole, so there's another thing I need to work out. The only one I haven't offended or isn't angry with me is my cat, Possum (although he hasn't spoken to me much today). So much for my world, let's get to today's topics, shall we?

President Barack Obama (you may remember him from school days as Barry Soetoro) earned his lowest marks ever on his handling of the economy in a new Associated Press-GfK poll, which also found that an overwhelming majority of Americans now describe the nation's financial outlook as poor (you're kidding?!)

Eleven weeks before the Nov. 2 balloting, just 41 percent of those surveyed approve of the president's performance on the economy, down from 44 percent in April, while 56 percent disapprove. And 61 percent say the economy has gotten worse or stayed the same on Obama's watch.

A new medical report states that a lack of a certain vitamin may be linked to Dementia. I'd tell you the vitamin but I forgot where I put today's newspaper. Anyway, the good news is that I probably won't get Dementia because I take that vitamin, unless I forget. Also, the good news is that I probably won't get Dementia because I take that vitamin that I forgot....

The News As I See It: Levi Johnston is a weasel. He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom."

President Obozo was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology. The president’s security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service. 1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote.

1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published. 1963; James Meredith became the first African American to graduate from the University of Mississippi.

Picture Of The Day: Once again, the photoshop gang have failed to come with something that matches the subject of the day. So, I've decided to show you some of the elaborate works that these artist come up with. One in particular is for my pal, Rose, because she likes.....uh, roses. A few are also newsworthy if you're up on the news, including the "blood diamonds" trial. There are a couple more you might recognize as well, but I'll leave that up to you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 2) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 3) Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die. 4) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.5) While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several......and that's five !

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1587, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934 Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley's deathbed. As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Stanley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. He said, "Children, I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married." His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Stanley said, "Yes, and cheap ones too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' 'Ben said, ''Nothing. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and pants, exposing his hairy chest and legs. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest and hairy legs." Her mother said, "Don't worry, Maria, all good men have hairy chests and legs. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her mother said, "Stay here and stir the pasta. This is a job for Mama."

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do. After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."

That's it for today my little Twinkies. Remember, when you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers. It's Hump Day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Say What, Mr. President?

I respect the Constitution and the laws of the land and while I do not entirely agree with all of the laws and rules, I chose to abide by them as they're usually a result of the wishes of the majority. I have come to this decision because the alternative would be anarchism and chaos. One thing that is lacking in these laws, and needs to be introduced, is sensitivity.

Barry Soetoro, also known as Barack Hussein Obama, said Friday night at a dinner marking the evening break of the Muslim Ramadan fast, "that Muslims have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country. And that includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances."

In theory and legally, he is correct. However, when you insert sensitivity and wisdom into the equation, things become a bit more emotional and the highly touted phrase "politically and socially correct" should carry some weight on decisions of this nature.

Given the equation that National, State and local governments make laws and ordinances which should be followed and enforced, I propose a series of hypothetical thoughts based on the same rights under the constitution, local laws and ordinances, which Barry Soetoro seems to have taken to heart.

A Question For Prez Barry Soetoro: Based on freedom of religion, local zoning laws and ordinances, and assuming the following proposed construction projects are legally qualified, would you also endorse:

1) A building and memorial site on the grounds of the Pearl Harbor Memorial dedicated to the Japanese Kamikaze fighter pilots who died in that action?

2) A building and memorial site on the grounds of any Holocaust Memorial dedicated to the Nazi storm troopers who died in World War II?

3) That the Ku Klux Klan build a Popeye's Fried Chicken fast food restaurant and watermelon stand next to the headquarters of the N.A.A.C.P. headquarters in Baltimore, Maryland?

While some constitutional rights, combined with Federal, State and local laws and ordinances, may qualify and allow the above proposed construction projects, wisdom and sensitivity would suggest the there would be other suitable sites for such projects. Polls show that the majority of American citizens are against building a mosque on or near Ground Zero in New York City. It seems to me that the Prez's loyalties lean in the opposite direction of the majority of Americans.

The News As I See It: According to U.S. and Iraqi commanders, if the U.S. pulls out of Iraq, their borders will be vulnerable and they won’t be able to stop anyone from entering their country. Hey, join the club.

In the movie "The Expendables," Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger beat up Sylvester Stallone for convincing them to invest in Planet Hollywood. Schwarzenegger was only in the movie for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor. When Schwarzenegger heard the title "The Expendables," he thought it was in reference to California’s teachers.

President Obozo may be willing to meet with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced "I'm-a-dinner-jacket"). How does that make the governor of Arizona feel? The president won’t meet with her, but a four-foot tall Holocaust-denier in a Members Only jacket? No problem.

The White House is defending President Obozo’s sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to his economic policies, 9.5 percent of Americans have all the leisure time they need. The economy is so bad, the Obozos took their vacation in the United States.

Al-Jazeera's English-speaking channel was nominated for an International Emmy. On the red carpet, Joan Rivers will be like, "Who are you wearing? And why is it ticking?"

The New Orleans Saints recently visited the White House. They presented President Obozo with a Saints jersey with the number 44, in honor of his approval rating.

Health officials in Oregon have shut down a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have a license. Officials haven't issued a statement yet. They're busy popping balloon animals and stomping on sand castles.

This Date In History: 1777; The Revolutionary War battle of Bennington, Vt., won by American forces. 1829; The original Siamese twins, Eng and Chang, arrived in Boston. 1948; Baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York City at age 53. 1960; Cyprus, the third-largest island in the Mediterranean, became an independent republic. 1962; Algeria was admitted to the Arab League. 1977; Elvis Presley died at Graceland, his Memphis,Tenn., home, from heart failure at age 42.

Picture Of The Day: It has obviously been a political day and today's pictures reflect the same attitude. On a side note, I couldn't find any decent photoshop pictures which I thought would amuse you. Hey, some days are diamonds and some days I'm stoned....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As far as I can tell, there are no prizes for having your shit together. 2) Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? 3) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 4) She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. 5) I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down......and that's five !

Birthdays: George Meany, labor leader 1894, Menachem Begin, Zionist leader and Israeli prime minister (1977–83) 1913, Charles Bukowski, fiction writer 1920 Frank Gifford, football player 1930, Suzanne Farrell, ballet dancer 1945, James Cameron, director 1954 Angela Bassett, actress 1958, Madonna, pop singer and actress 1958.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second guy says, "Well, she is young, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight ass. What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy says, "Never mind; let's just look for yours."

While shopping for vacation clothes, an old and and his wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice. She asked, "What do you think?" Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" Her husband replied, "Better get a bikini, you'd never get it all in one."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." She wrote to Marvin: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." To Michael she wrote:"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

Her note to Melvin read: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hellooo! You need to roll up the windows."

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1) Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2) Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah. 3) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4) Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

That's it for today my little hush puppies. Remember the old adage, "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday the 13th - Ya Wanna Test Your Luck?"

I have mixed feelings today. I'm a bit nervous because today is Friday the 13th. On the other hand, I'm rather elated as the television is now doing "Back To school" commercials. As for Friday the 13th, I'm not very superstitious but I'm not one to push my luck either. The good news is that I went out last night with my sweet Nicole and had a great time. The bad news is that I'm hung over so badly that my hair hurts.

With those thoughts in mind, chances are that I won't make it to Happy Hour in AREA 51 tonight unless a minor miracle occurs. That combined with the fact that it's Friday the 13th, methinks our hero will be unable to perform any good (or bad) deeds tonight and just stay home. Discretion, I'm told, is the better part of valor.

School is starting soon and all the little noise makers and vandals....make that all the little "precious ones"....will be sentenced and sequestered for the week days. Peace and serenity will once again fill the air and my afternoon naps will be uninterrupted. Now if I can just find a place to send their parents.....

The News As I See It: President Obozo told a crowd in Austin, Texas that if you want to go forward, you put your car in "D," and if you want to move backward, you put your car in "R." Someone needs to remind him about all those shuck and jive promises he hasn't fulfilled and, by the way, the economy is still "F-ed."

Facebook is said to be working on a check-in feature so that your friends can see your location. Uh, that's a bit redundant. Everyone knows that if you’re on Facebook, you’re at work.

The economy is so bad right now, a lot of women in Beverly Hills are being forced to marry for love. Speaking of women, if a woman has excessive belly fat and a muffin-top, it can be fatal.....especially if you mention it to her.

This Date In History: 1521; After a three-month siege, the Aztec capital of Tenochtitlán fell to the Spanish conquistadors, marking the end of one empire and the rise of another. 1906; An all-black army unit was accused of a shooting rampage that left one civilian dead at Fort Brown in Brownsville, Texas. In 1972 they were all exonerated.

1942; Disney's Bambi opened at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. 1961; The border between East and West Berlin was closed and marked with a barbed wire fence. 1995; Baseball great Mickey Mantle died of cancer.

Picture Of The Day: The photoshop gang is on the ball with some clever Friday the 13th pictures. I didn't know today was the infamous Friday the 13th until I hit the Internet, searching for pictures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex? 2) People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. 3) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 4) If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time. 5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with......and that's five !

Birthdays: Anders Jöns Ångström, physicist 1814, Lucy Stone, reformer 1818, Annie Oakley, sharpshooter 1860, Alfred Hitchcock, filmmaker 1899, Ben Hogan, golfer 1912, Fidel Castro, Cuban revolutionary, premier of Cuba Don Ho, entertainer 1930, Midori Ito, figure skater 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home." Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.His wife said, "Murray, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath." Her husband replied, "Don't worry. Once the neighbors see you, they'll buy us curtains."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

The doctor says, "So, you must decide how many inches you want. But, this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she might be a bit put out. On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day and says, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" The man said, "Yes I have," The doctor asks, "Did she helped you make a decision?" The man says, "Yes," The doctor says, "What is your decision?" The man replies, "We're getting granite countertops for the kitchen."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wall-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife says, "What do you think you're doing?" The man says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them!"

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband says, "What do you think you're doing?" His wife says, "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price." On the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

We've all heard about people having guts or balls But do you really know the difference between them? Jimmy's Journal, as a public service and in an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

That's it for today my little doodle bugs. Remember, do not despair because no matter how much you care, some people are just assholes. Anyone for Happy Hour? I'll meet you in AREA 51. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

"Take This Job And Shove It"

I've been self employed most of my life and, for the most part, I've always done whatever I wanted do do. That said, if I were ever to have to quit a tense and tedious job, I think I'd like to quit the way JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater did.

According to news reports, Slater, 38, got into an argument with a passenger who tried to remove luggage from an overhead bin too early upon landing, bonking him on the head with the luggage and then swearing at him. Slater, his head bleeding from a cut caused by the passenger's luggage, swore back at the passenger, making a four-letter-word-laced intercom announcement over the plane's loudspeaker.

The passenger had begun to unload her carry-on bag from the overhead compartment before the crew had given passengers the OK to get out of their seats. When Slater asked the woman to sit back down, she instead continued to remove her bag, which fell out of the cabin and struck Slater in the head. An argument then ensued, and when Slater asked her to apologize, she cursed him instead.

Slater responded in kind. He took to the plane's public-address system and announced: "To the passenger who just called me a motherf*cker, f*ck you! That's It! I've had it!" Then he grabbed a couple of beers from the plane's beverage cart, got his own luggage and deployed the aircraft's inflatable emergency exit slide. He then slid down onto the tarmac and out of a job. The pilots were furious. Those were their last two beers.

The friendly skies of old have become a lot less friendly over the last decade or so. A frenetic work pace, long hours and dealing with passengers who still feel entitled have turned the job of flight attendant from exciting to grueling and demanding.

Without judging either party involved in the incident, I've seen many unruly and rude airline passengers in my time. My guess is that the passenger involved in the incident was an asshole. Shades of Johnny Paycheck's hit song "Take This Job And Shove It."

The News As I See It: Plans are being finalized for Mexico’s bicentennial. On September 15, over 70 million Mexicans will celebrate, and that’s just in Los Angeles.

Tiger Woods finished 18 over par last weekend at the Bridgestone Invitational. The last time he hit this many trees, he was trying to get out of his driveway.

President Obozo announced this month that he created 70,000 new jobs. The bad news is, they are all vacation planners for him and his family.

The U.S. Postal Service reported a $3.5 billion loss in the last quarter, which established it as the federal government’s most successful enterprise.

This Date In History: 1909; Arapahoe became the first American ship to use the S.O.S. distress signal. 1934; The first inmates arrived at the federal prison on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. 1952; King Hussein of Jordan ascended the throne after his father had been declared mentally unfit.

1954; More than seven years of fighting in Indochina formerly ended with the cessation of French control. 1956; Abstract artist Jackson Pollock died in an automobile accident. 1960; Chad gained its independence from France.

1965; Following the arrest of a young black motorist, the predominately black neighborhood of Watts in Los Angeles erupted in riots that lasted six days and left 34 dead.

Picture Of The Day: Ok, you're probably wondering what in hell do animals have to do with today's post? The answer? Absolutely nothing. Other than the JetBlue incident, it's been a relatively slow news week and therefore, a relatively slow photoshop week. So, I found some animal pictures that I liked and here they are.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene!" 2) Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel. 3) Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless. 4) Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving. 5) "To do is to be" (Descartes) - "To be is to do" (Voltaire) - "Do be do be do" (Frank Sinatra)......and that's five !

Birthdays: Friedrich Ludwig Jahn, father of gymnastics 1778, Robert Ingersoll, orator 1833, Carrie Jacobs Bond, songwriter 1862, Louise Bogan, poet and critic 1897, Lloyd Nolan, actor 1902, Alex Haley author 1921, Steve Wozniak, entrepreneur 1950.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."The woman asks, "Well, what was it?"

The man is not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' " She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding, The sales clerk, "Yes, madam, exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?" The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, and then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?''

The woman, peeved at the clerk's directness, said, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding that he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

The clerk asked. ''What about your third husband?" The woman replied, "Oh, he was a Democrat and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

A man and a young woman are riding next to each other in first class. The woman sneezes, then shakes and shudders. The man reaches into his tote bag, pulls out a travel pack of tissues and hands one to her. A few minutes pass and the young woman sneezes again. Again, she shakes and shudders, this time more violently. The man hands the young woman another tissue.

Five minutes pass and the young woman sneezes again and shudders so violently that she grabs the mans forearm. Concerned, the man asks, "Are you alright Miss?" The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man says, "My word! What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.....a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself.

She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other bum says, "I don't know, let me ask him, "Hey Willie! Would you chop off another toe for $50?"

That's it for today my little brussel sprouts. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. That reminds me, it's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for the Karaoke show. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday Has Arrived On Schedule - Drat !

I want to thank all my friends and readers for your kind and generous comments on my music video "Save The Last Dance For Me." This is an idea that I have been trying to put together for a long period of time. Fortunately, utilizing some very good music and video programs, I am now able to take songs that I am currently recording along with other songs that I have recorded and produce these videos.

There are more frontiers along this endeavor which I have plans to explore and incorporate in my videos. I have three new videos currently in production and I am currently gathering all of the different visual aids and pictures that I need to finish the production.

All of the videos will be shown here on Jimmy's Journal and will be subsequently be uploaded to my YouTube link: Jimmy's YouTube. There are currently three of my videos on Jimmy's YouTube including "Save The Last Dance For Me", "The More I See You" and "In The Garden." You can click the link in this paragraph or the link on my sidebar to go to the sight. In the interim, here's my latest video, "The More I See You." I hope you enjoy it.

Remember to mute my playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: New York airports are getting those controversial TSA full-body scanners next month. You know, those scanners that let the workers see everything? Well that's just great! Normally, I have to take a Xanax for my nerves before I fly and now I'll have to take a Viagra.

The Senate has confirmed Elena Kagan for the Supreme Court. She now has a job for life, just like Lindsay Lohan's probation officer.

A company in Britain has created a car that can be powered by human waste. It's cool, but it gets a little uncomfortable when your buddy asks you to "chip in" for gas.

This Date In History: 1854; Henry David Thoreau's Walden, recounting his experiment in solitary life on the shores of Massachusetts' Walden Pond, was published. 1936; Jesse Owens became the first American to win four gold medals in one Olympics. 1945; The United States exploded a nuclear bomb over Nagasaki, Japan, killing an estimated 74,000 people.

1965; Singapore proclaimed its independence from Malaysia. 1974; Vice president Gerald Ford was sworn in as president following Nixon's resignation. 1995; Jerry Garcia, lead singer and guitarist of the Grateful Dead, died.

Picture Of The Day: Last weeks news was fun and great fodder for the photoshop gang. There's no real need to describe to today's pictures other than they're in the news. The California Gay Marriage Prop 8 decision was overturned, Chelsea's wedding, new Supreme Court Justice Kagan is confirmed by the Senate, Castro wrote a book and all the other usual political horseshit.

The only true picture that needs a bit of verbage is the featured picture of my new heroine, the mythical Cathy Cleavage, who even as a joke, would be better than any politician in Congress.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm always frank and earnest with women. In Miami, I'm Frank and in Fort Lauderdale, I'm Ernest. 2) My friend got on a plane and told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" He told her, "You did it last week!" 3) When my son was very young, I bought one of those strollers for twins. Then I put him in and ran around, looking frantic. When he got older, I told him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 4) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 5) The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste......and that's five !

Birthdays: Izaak Walton, writer 1593, Amedeo Avogadro, physicist 1776, William Fowler, nuclear astrophysicist 1911, Bob Cousy, basketball player 1928, Whitney Houston, singer 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A woman lost her husband four years ago and her daughter was constantly urging her to get back into the world. Finally, the woman said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

It was an immediate hit. After dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. She stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties and he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

An older woman had just returned for shopping and was coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. She said to her husband, "After all, dear, you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" Her husband replied, "No, nor would I expect to find a dead beaver gift wrapped."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King said, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. The grateful monarch said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless…….

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" The other guy said, "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

That's it for today my little jitterbugs. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems but then again, neither does milk. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !