Wednesday, August 18, 2010

At A Certain Age, You'd Think I'd Learn....But I Don't !

I've got to stop going out the night before I write my journal because I'm usually not worth a shit the next day. On top of that, I got into a little spat with my sweet Nicole, so there's another thing I need to work out. The only one I haven't offended or isn't angry with me is my cat, Possum (although he hasn't spoken to me much today). So much for my world, let's get to today's topics, shall we?

President Barack Obama (you may remember him from school days as Barry Soetoro) earned his lowest marks ever on his handling of the economy in a new Associated Press-GfK poll, which also found that an overwhelming majority of Americans now describe the nation's financial outlook as poor (you're kidding?!)

Eleven weeks before the Nov. 2 balloting, just 41 percent of those surveyed approve of the president's performance on the economy, down from 44 percent in April, while 56 percent disapprove. And 61 percent say the economy has gotten worse or stayed the same on Obama's watch.

A new medical report states that a lack of a certain vitamin may be linked to Dementia. I'd tell you the vitamin but I forgot where I put today's newspaper. Anyway, the good news is that I probably won't get Dementia because I take that vitamin, unless I forget. Also, the good news is that I probably won't get Dementia because I take that vitamin that I forgot....

The News As I See It: Levi Johnston is a weasel. He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom."

President Obozo was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology. The president’s security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes.

This Date In History: 1227; Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died in China. 1587; Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents born in North America. 1894; Congress established the Bureau of Immigration, forerunner of the Immigration and Naturalization Service. 1920; When Tennessee ratified the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, the three-quarters of the states necessary was achieved and American women got the right to vote.

1936; Spanish poet and playwright Federico Garcia Lorca was shot and killed by Franco's soldiers during the Spanish Civil War. 1958; Vladimir Nabokov's novel Lolita was published. 1963; James Meredith became the first African American to graduate from the University of Mississippi.

Picture Of The Day: Once again, the photoshop gang have failed to come with something that matches the subject of the day. So, I've decided to show you some of the elaborate works that these artist come up with. One in particular is for my pal, Rose, because she likes.....uh, roses. A few are also newsworthy if you're up on the news, including the "blood diamonds" trial. There are a couple more you might recognize as well, but I'll leave that up to you.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 2) Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening", and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 3) Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die. 4) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.5) While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several......and that's five !

Birthdays: Virginia Dare, first white child of English parents to be born in America 1587, Meriwether Lewis, explorer 1774, Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit, diplomat 1900, Shelley Winters, actress 1920, Rosalynn Smith Carter, first lady 1927, Roman Polanski, film director 1933, Roberto Clemente, baseball player 1934 Robert Redford, actor and director 1937, Patrick Swayze, actor 1952, Christian Slater, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: His four children were gathered around Mr. Stanley's deathbed. As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a hundred dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.

Mr. Stanley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. He said, "Children, I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married." His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're all bastards?" Mr. Stanley said, "Yes, and cheap ones too!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' 'Ben said, ''Nothing. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and pants, exposing his hairy chest and legs. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest and hairy legs." Her mother said, "Don't worry, Maria, all good men have hairy chests and legs. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her mother said, "Stay here and stir the pasta. This is a job for Mama."

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do. After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."

That's it for today my little Twinkies. Remember, when you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers. It's Hump Day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

One of the top quotes of the year!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. unquote

Thanks for the laugh and truths!

Missy said...

Cute jokes and I liked the pic of the day. Take care Jimmy.


Paula said...

Oh come on Jimmy tell us the name of the vitamin or we might forget to read your blog.

Ally Lifewithally said...

I agree with Paula "Come on Jimmy what is the name of that Vitamin ~ you don't want us all to forget your blog """DO YOU""" :O)
Your Jokes get better and better ~ Ally x

Rose said...

It's Vitamin B!

Smooches Darling!

Hugs, Rose

Janice said...

The Italian joke had me laughing hysterically. Janice

Myra said...

So did you and Nicole make up? I don't like being on the outs with my husband...and we rarely are...