You may have noticed some changes to Jimmy's Journal. Some are on purpose, some not. On Friday, a storm knocked out my Internet connection as I was attempting to set up and configure my new computer. At the same time, I was trying to finish the installation of my new music playlist.
My new computer, as all new computers are wont to be, does not even remotely run in the manner I was accustomed to and moreover, it did not seem to want me to log in to my journal to write and edit same. During this period, I inadvertently changed the journal theme (as you can plainly see) and now I have a new theme and everything has changed.
So, as you may have noticed, I was unable to post on Friday and since then, I have been attempting to finish putting everything into place which has tried my patience to its fullest. Imagine, if you will, that you tied your shoes the usual way on Friday, just like any other Friday, and they exploded. This was the beginning of my weekend.
One of the newer gadgets is my playlist, now located on the right sidebar. Everything is on the right sidebar now as the geniuses who created this template probably had a dislike for democrats and neglected to provide a template with a left sidebar. Leaning right myself, I will be able to make the adjustment.
The new playlist plays automatically and you can turn it off and on, adjust the volume and select different songs. Some of my old favorites are still available but there were a few tunes that I could not add because they were not available. You can also now click the upper left corner of the playlist and see the video that accompanies the song.
This next week, I will be continue to tweak and adjust the journal until I am happy with it. Let me know what you think.....
The News As I See It: San Francisco Giants pitcher Matt Cain recently threw his team's first-ever perfect game against the Astros. The Astros went three hours without making it to first base or as I used to call that......a date.
Obama gave a major speech last week where he defended his handling of the economy. There were tons of people in the audience since nobody had to be at work.
Guantanamo Bay is getting millions and millions of dollars of upgrades and renovations. In fact, they're not even calling it a detention camp anymore. It's now a gated community.
In New Orleans, the daily newspaper has eliminated 84 newsroom jobs. But the publisher said those positions could be reinstated if this whole Internet news thing turns out to be a fad.
Henry Hill, the mobster who became an FBI informant and was the basis for the lead character in the movie "Goodfellas," has died at the age of 69 due to an undisclosed illness. I believe that illness was "informant-itis."
Republican senator John McCain and Democratic senator Harry Reid have called for the federal government to step in and help regulate the sport of boxing. That's rich! A corrupt and unethical body attempting to regulate another corrupt and unethical body.
This Date In History: 1812;
The War of 1812 began.
1815;
Napoleon was defeated at the Battle of Waterloo by British, German, and Dutch forces.
1873;
Suffragist Susan B. Anthony was fined $100 for attempting to vote in the 1872 presidential election.
1928;
Aviator Amelia Earhart became the first woman to fly across the Atlantic Ocean. She completed the flight from Newfoundland to Wales in about 21 hours.
1948;
The United Nations Commission on Human Rights adopted its International Declaration of Human Rights. The General Assembly would give it final approval on December 10, 1948.
1983;
Sally Ride became the first American woman in space.
Picture Of The Day: I'm sticking with Paula's turtles. The one here is playing "hide and seek."
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to "Until debt do us part". 2) Computers are the perfect thing for people who don't feel that their romantic life provides them with enough frustration. 3) Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were the President or a member of Congress. Never mind, that's redundant. 4) You know you're from the South when you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, he's still wrong.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 18th: The stars indicate that walking under ladders is a bad idea for you this month. Fire is a hazard you won't want to ignore this week, so watch out for sparks or smoke coming from your ladder. If you happen to encounter an alien from outer space and he asks you to take him to your leader (you see where this is heading, don't you?), take him to your ladder and feign ignorance understanding foreign languages. Chance of romance is 12.53 percent.
Birthdays: Edward Scripps,
newspaper publisher 1854, Philip Barry,
playwright 1896, Anastasia,
grand duchess 1901, Paul McCartney, singer songwriter 1942.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. The Engineer said, "Hey bartender, I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
The Engineer said, "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer and said, "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer replied, "Oh, that's where we put the jack."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.
A blonde was flying in a two-seater airplane when the pilot has a heart attack and dies. Frantically, she calls out, "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying,
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
The blonde says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." After a brief moment of silence, the voice on the radio says, "Repeat after me......Our Father, Who art in Heaven…."
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was
really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it had better be there!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.......Bob has been missing since Friday.
Obama walks into a New York bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The frog answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."
That's it for today, my little June bugs Remember, follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
It seems that the emphasis on developing learning skills in schools is not the priority that it used to be. The "dumbing down" of tests in schools to allow more students to pass and eventually graduate is a disservice to the students themselves.
The hard of understanding do not realize that the real world does not make provisions or provide excuses for those who do not strive to better themselves or continue to learn.
Although it is not necessary that all students become Rhodes Scholars, a basic grasp of the English language and skills in mathematics are a necessity. At the least, they will be able to read the instructions for installation of their new Xbox 360 video gamer.
At a bar one evening, we were discussing President Abraham Lincoln and the Gettysburg Address. Some people overheard the conversation and when they heard the phrase "four score and seven years ago", they asked what a "score" was and what the phrase meant. I told them it was a soccer phrase from the last World Cup games. It seemed to satisfy their curiosity.....
The News As I See It: Lindsay Lohan is OK after she totaled her rented Porsche. People who witnessed the accident were stunned. They couldn't believe Lindsay Lohan still had a driver's license. Authorities said they've ordered a psychiatric evaluation. Not for Lindsay — for the idiot who rented her a Porsche.
A new government survey shows that teenagers are now smoking more marijuana than they are smoking cigarettes. Experts say heavy pot smoking by young people impairs thinking, distorts perception and can be a gateway to the White House.
Illinois Representative Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor.
Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad about the economy featuring out-of-work Americans. It gets weird at the end when he says, "I'm Mitt Romney and I fired all these people."
At a recent speech, Obama said he wants to build an economy where hard work pays off. Which explains why Obama’s approval rating just went down by three Kardashians.
This Date In History: 1900; The Boxer Rebellion began in China. 1966; The U.S. Supreme Court set forth in Miranda v. Arizona that the police must advise suspects of their rights upon taking them into custody.
1967; Thurgood Marshall was nominated to become the first African American on the U.S. Supreme Court. 1971; The New York Times began publishing the "Pentagon Papers." 1983; The U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system.
1986; Bandleader and clarinetist Benny Goodman died. 2000; The first meeting between Pres. Kim Jong Il of North Korea and Pres. Kim Dae Jung of South Korea occurred.
Picture Of The Day: The very talented Danny Devito with a tribute to his wife Rhea Perlman.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The notion that married people live longer than single ones is a myth. It only seems longer. 2) Illiterate people don't get the full effect of alphabet soup. 3) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at the local retirement home. 4) Some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and I'm told it works quite well. A friend of mine actually tried using it but she quit because she said it made her feel like an asshole. 5) The most exciting variety of sex is "rodeo sex". That's when you mount your woman from behind, take her hair and pull her head back slightly, whisper in her ear, "Your sister was better than you" and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 13th: It's hump day so how bad can your day be? On a high note, the horoscope gods tell me that anyone born on this day is usually lucky with the opposite sex. No word yet on children and animals. Chance of romance is 33.33 percent. Take a shot, anyway!
Birthdays: My pals, Martha and Randy - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, William Butler Yeats, Irish poet and playwright 1865, Mary Antin writer, activist 1881, Dorothy L. Sayers, writer 1893, Christo artist 1935.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older guy (not Garnett, Jack or Jimmy) can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.
The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later, gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" Tim, without looking up, replied tearfully, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says, "Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."
Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over, prods his wife again and asks, "Do you have a dental appointment tomorrow, too?"
One day, the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says, "Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy Bob replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.
Billy Bob continues, "Well, me and Mary Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, Mary Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."
Billy Bob said, "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary Lou lay on the ground, opened her legs and said "Okay Billy Bob, go to town....."
My Music Playlist: As most of you know, the site that I use for Jimmy's Journal no longer allows anyone to embed music. After some searching, I have found a new site and have almost completed my new music playlist. The start date for the playlist is this Friday (June 15th). I look forward to your thoughts and comments.
That's it for today, my little chipmunks. Remember, forget "politically correct" while flying. Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat is an automatic suspect. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Happy Father's Day to all the Dads! More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
They let me out of the retirement home again on Saturday night so that I could go to dinner with five (count 'em - five!) lovely ladies who I haven't seen in a while. I can't recount all of the details, but we went to Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs where we had drinks and dined.
In the presence of great company, we rehashed old stories and some great memories. I literally laughed so much that it hurt.
I'd like to especially thank Sarah, Donna and Vivian for their graciousness and hospitality. On a side note, no animals were hurt or injured during the evening and, once again, I beat the paper boy to my front door.
The News As I See It: In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being in Congress, the very goofy Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghosts of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, "Botox can cause hallucinations."
Guantanamo Bay detention center is now undergoing millions of dollars of upgrades that include a new soccer field, cable TV, and enriching-your-life classes for the detainees that include learning to paint and writing a resume. Why do they need a resume? Who's going to hire these guys?
Remember when Obama was campaigning in 2008? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.
A local company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka, which explains why last night Krispy Kreme got like 20 drunk-dials from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un spoke at a rally for more than 20,000 children. He said if the kids just buckle down and study hard, they can be anything he wants them to be.
Last weekend, Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.
According to NASA scientists, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years.....or about the same time your 401k recovers."
For the first time ever, more than half of all senior citizens in the U.S. are using the Internet. Or as AOL put it, "We’re back, baby!"
In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.
This Date In History: 1509; King Henry VIII married his first wife, Katharine of Aragon. 1770; Capt. James Cook discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia . 1919; Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming the first horse to capture the Triple Crown.
1963; Vivian Malone and James Hood successfully enrolled at the University of Alabama following Gov. George Wallace’s famous "stand in the schoolhouse door." 1977; Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown. 2001; Timothy McVeigh, the 1995 Oklahoma City bomber, was executed.
Picture Of The Day: The seductiveness of the evening and the things that it attracts.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to a new bar on Friday night and it was like vuja de - the feeling that I had not been there before. 2) Noah could have done us a favor and swatted those two mosquitoes. 3) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4) Clinton definitely lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. 5) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 11th: The world awaits you today so take a shower, brush you teeth and go out greet it. Please don't wear those same old jogging pants, you have no idea what that looks like from the rear. Chance of romance is 45.66 percent.
Birthdays: John Constable, painter 1776, Julia Margaret Cameron, pioneer photographer 1815, Jeannette Rankin, first female member of U.S. Congress 1880, Jacques Cousteau, French oceanographer and naval officer 1910, Vince Lombardi, football 1913, William Styron, novelist 1925, Jackie Stewart, race driver 1939, Henry Cisneros, political official 1947.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" The old cowboy said, 'Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."
The cowboy went on, "So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I told him, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?" The old cowboy replies, "A couple of minutes ago."
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 gallons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
(I'm sure you're going back to read that again!)
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"
Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."
Socrates continued, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" His mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"
With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more she talked, the dumber he got!"
That's it for today, my little leap frogs. Remember, one of the hardest things to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
I was really looking forward to watch the Belmont Stakes, the third leg of the Triple Crown. The main reason was to watch I'll Have Another attempt to become just the twelfth horse in history win all three races. Sadly, my hopes to see the first Triple Crown winner in 34 years were dashed today.
I’ll Have Another, winner of the Kentucky Derby and Preakness Stakes last month, was scratched on the eve of the Belmont Stakes, ending his attempt to become just the 12th horse in history to win all three races.
The horse experienced swelling in his left front leg after a workout this morning, trainer Doug O’Neill said. A doctor said it was the beginning of tendinitis and the end of his racing career. I'll Have Another will be retired to stud.
No horse has won the Triple Crown since Affirmed in 1978 and the magnificent Secretariat in 1973. I was fortunate to see both of those horses race and I believe I'll Have Another had a legitimate shot to be a Triple Crown Winner.
The News As I See It: Mitt Romney's got to think about picking a vice president pretty soon and it's kind of a tough situation because political pundits say he needs to select a running mate that is duller than he is. The only problem is that guy is already vice president.
There were tense moments this week during Obama's visit to Los Angeles. Three private planes drifted into his restricted air space. And as you know, the president's restricted air space can only be penetrated by liberals donating more than $50,000. It's rumored that Obama quietly attended the L.A. Kings hockey game. He just tried to blend in with the crowd like all the other black Hawaiians in a flowered shirts.
DC Comics has come out with the news that superhero Green Lantern is gay. When he heard the news, Batman turned to Superman and said, "I told you."
Another al-Qaida terrorist was killed by a drone. I'm telling you, nowadays these al-Qaida leaders, they don't last as long as a Kardashian marriage.
Obama’s campaign is spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial hitting Mitt Romney’s business record. Though Obama’s made some bad business moves too — like spending $12 million on a one-minute commercial.
Former GOP candidate Rick Santorum said that he’s planning to make a big announcement tomorrow. It’ll probably be something really huge like, "Hello shoppers, we’ve got a 2-for-1 sale on Tide in aisle five!"
Mitt Romney's campaign is in the news for misspelling several words on his promotional items. Romney issued a press release that said, "I'll get to the bottom of this or my name isn't Matt Ramrod."
Obama gave rock singer Bon Jovi a ride to New York City on Air Force One. That makes sense – Bon Jovi’s "living on a prayer" while Obama’s campaigning on one.
This Date In History: 632; The prophet Muhammad died. 1845; Andrew Jackson, the 7th president of the United States, died in Tennessee. 1861; Tennessee became the 11th and last state to secede from the Union. 1968; James Earl Ray, Martin Luther King, Jr.'s, assassin, was arrested.
1982; President Reagan became the first American president to address a joint session of Britain’s Parliament. 1983; Negro Baseball League great Satchel Paige died. 2001; Tony Blair and his Labour Party won a second term, overwhelming the opposition at the polls.
Picture Of The Day: The lead pictures are of the thoroughbred "I'll Have Another" in his come from behind win at the Preakness Stakes in May. The picture of the day, however, is part of a series of pictures I like to call, "Paula's Turtles."
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A hand grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 2) Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish. 3) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4) The economy is getting so bad that Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 5) Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should start with a Z. The next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it's not. If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 8th: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt ...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. Chance of romance is 21.06 percent, so buy the big bottle of tequila.
Birthdays: My friend Ignacio - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Robert Schumann, composer 1810, Frank Lloyd Wright, American architect 1867, Virginia Randolph, educator 1874, Barbara Bush, former first lady 1925, Leroy Neiman, painter and printmaker 1927, Scott Adams cartoonist 1957.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don't smoke or drink and I keep good hours."
The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady responded, "Sure, but don't put that in your paper."
Two older gentlemen (whose names were neither Garnett, Jack nor Jimmy) had been without sex for several years. They decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some female company.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?" The second man replied, "I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie. She said, "Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" The genie replied, "No, you have been very bad recently and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
Monica says, "Let's see.....I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. I don't need money, because after I write my book and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."
She continued, "I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed." "Poof!" Just like that, her ears were gone.
A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he had a very important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday and quit drinking!"
Just then, a parking place appeared - the closest one imaginable. The man looked up again and said, "Never mind, I just found one."
A man called the police and said, "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" A deputy replied, "Yes, what can I do for you?" The man said, "I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." The deputy said, "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search each log in the the wood pile and find nothing; frustrated, they get axes and split open every piece of wood but still find no marijuana. They mutter obscenities and sneer at Virgil and finally leave.
Shortly after, the phone rings at Virgil's house a man says, "Hey, Virgil, this here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?" Virgil answered, "Yeah!" Floyd asked, "Did they chop your firewood for the winter?" Virgil said, "Yep!" Floyd answered, "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
That's it for today, my little butterflies. Remember, never get a job in a fire hydrant factory. You can't park anywhere near the place. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour and a little karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
On this date in 1944, the Normandy landings, codenamed Operation Neptune, the Allied invasion of Normandy in Operation Overlord, commenced during World War II. The landings were conducted in two phases: an airborne assault landing of 24,000 British, American, Canadian and Free French airborne troops shortly after midnight and an amphibious landing of Allied infantry and armored divisions on the coast of France starting at 6:30 am.
There were also decoy operations under the codenames Operation Glimmer and Operation Taxable to distract the German forces from the real landing areas. Supreme Commander of the Allied Expeditionary Forces was General Dwight Eisenhower while overall command of ground forces (21st Army Group) was given to General Bernard Montgomery.
The operation, planned by a team under Lieutenant-General Frederick Morgan, was the largest amphibious invasion in world history and was executed by land, sea, and air elements under direct British command with over 160,000 troops landing on 6 June 1944, 73,000 American troops, 61,715 British and 21,400 Canadian. 195,700 Allied naval and merchant navy personnel in over 5,000 ships were involved.
The invasion required the transport of soldiers and material from the United Kingdom by troop-laden aircraft and ships, the assault landings, air support, naval interdiction of the English Channel and naval fire-support. The landings took place along a 50-mile stretch of the Normandy coast divided into five sectors: Utah, Omaha, Gold, Juno, and Sword.
Although the actual figures are still uncertain it is estimated that more than 9000 Allied soldiers were killed or wounded on June 6th alone. Take a minute today to give thanks and remember the men and women of the allied forces that gallantly fought in this tremedous battle.
The News As I See It: According to People magazine, Rielle Hunter, the mother of John Edwards' love child, is releasing a new tell-all book this month. It's a memoir about their relationship. She didn't write it herself, she used a ghost skank.
Congratulations to our new national spelling bee champion. Her name is Snigdha Nandipati. Over the weekend the 14-year-old from San Diego won the award after she correctly spelled her own name.
Unemployment has risen to 8.2 percent and is looking pretty bad. In fact, Obama has a new slogan on jobs creation, "Hope and Change the Subject."
According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Obama apparently smoked large amounts of marijuana in high school. Now, the unemployment numbers are getting as high as Obama was back in his school days.
Hugh Hefner is back together with his fiancée, Crystal Harris, one year after she called off their wedding. It’s like they say: "If you love something, let it go and if it comes back to you, it probably ran out of money and remembered you were a billionaire."
Last weekend seven monkeys were stolen from a zoo in Poland, so I guess they're beginning to shoot season 6 of "Jersey Shore."
Last Friday, Obama spent the night at his home in Chicago for the first time in over a year. He even went down to the basement and dusted off some old campaign promises. It got a bit awkward when he left and his housekeeper said, "See you after the election."
According to DC comics, the Green Lantern is gay. It's funny that the Green Lantern is gay and yet Spider-Man has the Broadway musical. Talk about irony!
This Date In History: 1844; The Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) was founded in London. 1933; The first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, New Jersey. 1934; The Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) was established to protect investors and maintain the integrity of the securities markets.
1944; Thousands of Allied troops invaded the beaches of Normandy, France, on D-Day. 1982; Israel invaded Lebanon to drive out the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO). 2001; Vermont Republican Senator James Jeffords left the party to become an independent, handing control of the Senate back to the Democrats.
2002; President Bush proposed a new Cabinet department: The Department of Homeland Security.
Picture Of The Day: Many soldiers are buried in France, a continuing reminder of the horrors of war.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Be safety conscious. Eighty percent of all people were caused by accidents. 2) My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight?" I said, "At the first sight of what?" 3) Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. 4) The British have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator". They say, "president", we say "asshole".... 5) Some men are like wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 6th: Whoo Hoo! It's hump day and a great reason to head over to your particular AREA 51 for a drink or two. If you do go out, let a smile be your umbrella, but keep in mind that if you do, your ass will probably get soaking wet. Chance of romance 64.56 percent dropping to 48.09 percent after your fourth beer.
Birthdays: My friends Marty and Ralfy - Happy Birthday guys! 19XX, Diego Velázquez, painter 1599, Pierre Corneille, dramatist 1606, Nathan Hale, officer 1755, John Trumbull, painter 1756, Aleksandr Pushkin, poet, dramatist 1799, Alexandra Feodorovna, Czarina 1872, Sukarno, statesman 1901, Björn Borg, professional tennis player 1956.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man with tickets to the Super Bowl finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. He says, "No, the seat is empty." The stranger says, "That's incredible. Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Suoer Bowl and not use it?"
The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Supr Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1980."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
An old Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde, with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. Jack asked. "What's wrong?" The guy answered, "I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana. There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate."
Jack said, "Hold on, I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" Jack replied, "Me? I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck."
A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months. They went to the movies and return to her home where her father, a widower, is waiting for them. After greeting the worried father, they settle down on the sofa in the living room, while the old man goes to watch TV in the family room.
The girl is a good example and looks after her Dad. She, in turn, is the apple of his eye. Naturally, he's worried about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching TV go into the living room door and check up on her. He says to his daughter, "Could you make me a cup of coffee my love?" The girls says, "Of course I can, Dad", and trots off into the kitchen to put the coffee on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word. He says, "Look, son, I remember when I was your age and trying my luck. The thing is, I'm worried about our Susie." The lad says, "Why, what's wrong with her?" The father fibs a bit and says, "Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina." The boy replies, "Oh, I know and a great pair of tits, too!"
That's it for today, my little puppies. Remember, if you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a steep, winding, two-lane mountain road. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
