Monday, June 11, 2012


They let me out of the retirement home again on Saturday night so that I could go to dinner with five (count 'em - five!) lovely ladies who I haven't seen in a while. I can't recount all of the details, but we went to Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs where we had drinks and dined.

In the presence of great company, we rehashed old stories and some great memories. I literally laughed so much that it hurt.

I'd like to especially thank Sarah, Donna and Vivian for their graciousness and hospitality. On a side note, no animals were hurt or injured during the evening and, once again, I beat the paper boy to my front door.

The News As I See It: In an event celebrating her 25th anniversary of being in Congress, the very goofy Nancy Pelosi revealed that the ghosts of past feminist leaders spoke to her at her first White House meeting as speaker. In a related story, doctors now say, "Botox can cause hallucinations."

Guantanamo Bay detention center is now undergoing millions of dollars of upgrades that include a new soccer field, cable TV, and enriching-your-life classes for the detainees that include learning to paint and writing a resume. Why do they need a resume? Who's going to hire these guys?

Remember when Obama was campaigning in 2008? Didn't he say he was going to close Guantanamo Bay? Didn't he say that? Apparently, he just meant for renovations.

A local company in Missouri is selling a glazed donut-flavored vodka, which explains why last night Krispy Kreme got like 20 drunk-dials from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un spoke at a rally for more than 20,000 children. He said if the kids just buckle down and study hard, they can be anything he wants them to be.

Last weekend, Obama's daughter, Sasha, will turn 11 years old. Sasha didn’t ask Obama for a present, because she’s still waiting for him to deliver the gifts he promised three birthdays ago.

According to NASA scientists, the world will not come to an end for another 4 billion years.....or about the same time your 401k recovers."

For the first time ever, more than half of all senior citizens in the U.S. are using the Internet. Or as AOL put it, "We’re back, baby!"

In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.

This Date In History: 1509; King Henry VIII married his first wife, Katharine of Aragon. 1770; Capt. James Cook discovered the Great Barrier Reef off Australia . 1919; Sir Barton won the Belmont Stakes, becoming the first horse to capture the Triple Crown.

1963; Vivian Malone and James Hood successfully enrolled at the University of Alabama following Gov. George Wallace’s famous "stand in the schoolhouse door." 1977; Seattle Slew won the Belmont Stakes, capturing the Triple Crown. 2001; Timothy McVeigh, the 1995 Oklahoma City bomber, was executed.

Picture Of The Day: The seductiveness of the evening and the things that it attracts.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I went to a new bar on Friday night and it was like vuja de - the feeling that I had not been there before. 2) Noah could have done us a favor and swatted those two mosquitoes. 3) I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen." 4) Clinton definitely lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. 5) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 11th: The world awaits you today so take a shower, brush you teeth and go out greet it. Please don't wear those same old jogging pants, you have no idea what that looks like from the rear. Chance of romance is 45.66 percent. 

Birthdays: John Constable, painter 1776, Julia Margaret Cameron, pioneer photographer 1815, Jeannette Rankin, first female member of U.S. Congress 1880, Jacques Cousteau, French oceanographer and naval officer 1910, Vince Lombardi, football 1913, William Styron, novelist 1925, Jackie Stewart, race driver 1939, Henry Cisneros, political official 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" The old cowboy said, 'Well, I can think of one thing. On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."

The cowboy went on, "So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I told him, "Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?" The old cowboy replies, "A couple of minutes ago."

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 gallons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

(I'm sure you're going back to read that again!)

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"

Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."

Socrates continued, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" His mother says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more she talked, the dumber he got!"

That's it for today, my little leap frogs. Remember, one of the hardest things to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I'm assuming 4 & 5 of the printable things go together!!

About GITMO, I think you about sized that up!

Now, I certainly didn't know about Diogenes either!

But I do understand that some situations will get you a swift trip to the pearly gates!!!!
Hope your week is great!!

Rose said...

I've been staying home a lot lately. I can't say I miss the nightlife too much.

An occasional Happy Hour now and then is good enough for me these days...............

Glad you can still keep going! LOL

Paula said...

I'm with you on the recipes. I too read them and say thats not going to happen.

Myra said...

Ahhh, Jimmy, can't keep up with you!