Andrew Cuomo Is An Idiot

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo called into "The Capitol Pressroom" radio show last Friday morning and the liberal leader made it clear just what he thinks about conservatives and pro-lifers:

"The Republican Party candidates are running against the SAFE Act. It was voted for by moderate Republicans who run the Senate! Their problem is not me and the Democrats; their problem is themselves. Who are they? Are they these extreme conservatives who are right-to-life, pro-assault-weapon, anti-gay? Is that who they are? Because if that’s who they are and they’re the extreme conservatives, they have no place in the state of New York, because that’s not who New Yorkers are."

Andrew Cuomo was born in Queens, New York, the eldest son of Matilda and Governor Mario Cuomo. His parents are both of Italian descent; his paternal grandparents were from Nocera Superiore and Tramonti in South Italy, while his maternal grandparents were both from Sicily.

Aside from the arrogance of Cuomo's statement, it seems to me that it is also prejudiced. At a time when businesses and citizens are moving out of New York due to excessive state and local taxes, the timing of his ridiculous remark is unbelievably bad. Witness the numerous ads now permeating the air waves inviting new businesses to move to a tax free area in New York (ala Michigan ads that are doing the same thing ((read Detroit))).

I wonder how the public would have reacted had some other politician stated that Italians (read Mafia) had no place in New York? Even better, how long do you think it would have taken race-baiter Al Sharpton to react if Cuomo had stated that Blacks have no place in New York?



Phraya Nakhon Cave, Thailand

The News As I See It: As reported Monday, the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks advanced to the Super Bowl and both teams are from the two states where recreational marijuana is legal. As pizza delivery men put it, "Pray for us."

Beyoncé performed at Michelle Obama’s 50th birthday party last Saturday night. Yep, there's no easier way for a woman to turn 50 than having to spend your party watching the men looking at Beyoncé.

The former president of Trader Joe's is opening a store that sells only expired food. The new store will be known as 7-Eleven.

Kanye West is in trouble after allegedly assaulting an 18-year-old. You know, if Kanye is going to beat up a teenager, couldn’t it be Justin Bieber?

Obama is getting serious about this NSA spying scandal. He told the nation that the NSA will not be used "for the purpose of suppressing or burdening criticism or dissent." He's right, that's what the IRS is for.

This Date In History: 1901; Queen Victoria of England died after reigning for 63 years (the 4th longest among longest-reigning monarchs and the longest for queens).

1905; 500 workers were killed by the Czar's troops in "Bloody Sunday" in St. Petersburg. 1938; Thornton Wilder's play Our Town first performed publicly in Princeton, New Jersey.

1973; Former President Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64. 1973; The Supreme Court legalized some abortions in Roe v. Wade. 1997; The U.S. Senate confirmed Madeleine Albright as the first female secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Waterfall Walkway, St. Beatus Caves, Switzerland.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me. 2) Yes, your honor, I did, but in my defense she was screaming loudly and I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish. I washed it right off. 3) Apparently my girlfriend believes that if she didn't tell me where to turn when I’m driving, I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean. 4) And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then, he made the earth round and laughed and laughed..... 5) Nothing says "My divorce didn't go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 22nd: You have many more years ahead of you. Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio today.

Birthdays: My friends Jenny and Stevi - Happy birthday girls! 19XX, Francis Bacon, philosopher 1561, John Winthrop, colonial governor 1588, Andre Marie Ampere, physicist 1775, George Gordon Noel Byron, poet 1788, August Strindberg, dramatist 1849, Beatrice Potter Webb, socialist, economist 1858, D.W. Griffith, filmmaker 1880, U Thant, U.N. statesman 1909, Bill Bixby, actor, TV director 1934, Diane Lane, actress 1965.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

A man was walking by the Job Center in downtown Toronto and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair. Finally. you rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is 84,000 and you'll have to go to Winnipeg."

The man said, "Good grief, it gets so cold there at this time of the year. Is that where the job is?" The clerk replied, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

Hang-En Cave, Vietnam

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friends Linda and Mike for their contributions to today's stories.

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, " You died in your sleep, Fred."

Fred was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" Fred replied, "Not too bad, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" The rooster explained, "You're ovulating. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" Fred said, "Never."

The rooster said, "Well, just relax and let it happen. It's no big deal." He did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg and his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard "Fred, wake up! You've shit the bed."

Murray and Jake were talking and Murray says, "So, how's your sex life?" Jake replies, "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." Murray says, "Social Security sex?" Jake answers, "Yeah, you know. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

That's it for today, my little furballs. Remember, men and women can be just friends, but only if one of them is ugly. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Looking Forward To A Smokin' Super Bowl

It's official - the Denver Broncos will face the Seattle Seahawks in the 2014 Marijuana Bowl, Super Bowl XLVII. Both Denver and Seattle recently legalized recreational marijuana but the Super bowl will be in New Jersey where I'm sure no one smokes weed during a game.

So, I'm sure the smell of weed will permeate the Super Bowl stadium although you may not pay much attention to that as you avoid brawls, step over injured or dead bodies and make your way to your seats which will be occupied by the Brothers.

Once you've payed the ransom for your already paid for seats, you can enjoy the smells of New Jersey and watch the game. There may also be the added attraction of snow, ice and rain which will the Pièce de résistance of your football fantasy holiday.

I guess I'll just have to suffer out by the pool in sunny Miami watching the game on a big screen, drinking Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks and and glancing occasionally at the ladies in their bikinis.....

In Sunday's playoff games, the Denver Broncos handily defeated the New England 26-16. The victory wasn't as close as the score indicates as Denver ran all over New England.

The Seattle Seahawks defeated the San Francisco Forty-Niners in a close game that was decided on the final play when Richard Sherman batted away a Colin Kaepernick end zone pass that was intended for Michael Crabtree. The batted ball was caught by Seattle linebacker Malcolm Smith, thus ending the game.  

San Francisco's Richard Sherman, in a subsequent sideline TV interview, began an ignorant tirade typical of the famed NBA idiot, Dennis Rodman. Fortunately, like most of his ilk, no one understood a word he was saying.

The News As I See It: Health authorities say they're seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That's great news, huh? We finally get health care and now we've got diseases you can't treat.

The number of times you are allowed to flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner is three. After that, make sure no one was watching as the old folks home is becoming a reality more and more each day.

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, "Meet the Beatles". 1981; 52 American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity. 1981; President Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days).

2009; Hundreds of thousands of people watched in front of the Capitol as President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden are sworn into office. 2012; Singer Etta James died less than a week before her 74th birthday.

Picture Of The Day: The Super Bowl XLVIII trophy which is the most sought after prize of the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Judging by their knives, I'm thinking the Swiss Army are mostly bartenders. 2) If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 3) Parents with their first kid peels the grape and slices it into 84 tiny pieces. Parents with their fourth kid gives him a knife and fork to cut their own steak. 4) Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look. 5) I love the way all employees working the drive thru at Burger King speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 20th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair.

Birthdays: Richard Henry Lee, political leader 1732, Walter Piston, composer and teacher 1894, George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.), American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." Alex replied, "Good morning, Pastor," still focused on the plaque.

Alex asked, "Pastor, what is this?" The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

He asked, "How would you feel if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

One boy answered, "Nah, I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a bit of confusion at the local Walmart store yesterday. When the buyer was ready to pay for his purchase of a box of shotgun shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, he did just as she had instructed. When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to my credit card. The man has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"

That's it for today, my little blueberry muffins. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life and you're probably already screwing it up.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

They Are Watching (So Wear Clean Underwear)

I wonder if people you see on the news, shown from the waist down and walking down the street, ever recognize themselves? Can't you just visualize Alice Kramden saying, "Hey Ralph, your big ass is on the news again." Yep, it's the street reports and the subject of choice can be just about anything. 

I'm sure you've witnessed the countless news reports from being overweight, to smoking, to people carrying Starbucks coffee, ad nauseum. The one thing that binds the stories together is that the media needs a visual and the easiest and cheapest way is to merely video the people on the streets.

The thought that struck me as funny was that the poor souls who happen to be watching the evening news and, in a flash, there they are.....on TV. Now they're thinking, "I knew I should have worn my black jacket" or "You know the camera adds about ten pounds." 

I'd be kinda pissed if I happened to be captured in a bad light, but then again, it's funny if it happens to be someone else, or better yet, your ex-mother-in-law. It's really like a glorified version of the people of Walmart.....

Nominations for the 86th Academy Awards were announced yesterday. The nominees are numerous and would take up the page if I listed them, so check them out in your browser.

I was surprised to hear the media whining about those who weren't nominated. Robert Redford, for the seafaring drama "All Is Lost" was not nominated. He’s been up for his acting only once before for 1973’s "The Sting."

Among the women, Emma Thompson was forgotten for "Saving Mr. Banks," as was Jennifer Garner for "Dallas Buyers Club." Lee Daniels’ "The Butler" was completely shut out which means no nominations for its leads, Forest Whitaker and Oprah Winfrey (Sorry, Oprah, you can't buy a nomination, you have to give an outstanding performance).

It amuses me how the egos of the "snubbed" actors are affected as well as the inflation of the egos of the nominees. Hey, it's a movie. Get over it......

The News As I See It: Oprah's movie "The Butler" was not nominated for the best picture Oscar. Oprah is said to be very unhappy, but she's being comforted by her 700 real butlers.

Justin Bieber's egg-throwing scandal is rocking the judicial world. If Justin is convicted of a felony, he could be deported back to Canada. American officials are hopeful they can get "deported" changed to "catapulted."

The White House announced that Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he’s the Pope. He has to believe in miracles.

Country music singer Trace Adkins was on a country music-themed cruise when he got into a fight with a Trace Adkins impersonator. It was a nasty brawl. In fact, it took five Elvises to pull them apart.

In a new interview, Michelle Obama said she might consider getting plastic surgery. Michelle said if Barack's popularity keeps dropping, she doesn't want to be recognized

A new report found that more than half of the people who have signed up for Obamacare are older than 45. Which is no big deal until you find out they were 25 when they first tried to log onto the website.

This Date In History: 1706; Benjamin Franklin was born in Boston. 1806; James Madison Randolph, the grandson of Thomas Jefferson, became the first child born in the White House.

1893; Hawaii's Queen Liliuokalani was forced to abdicate by a group of planters and businessmen. 1945; Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg disappeared in Hungary while in Soviet custody.

1977; Gary Gilmore became the first person executed in the U.S. since the death penalty was reintroduced. 1991; Operation Desert Storm was launched against Iraq. 1998; President Clinton became the first sitting U.S. president to testify as a defendant in a criminal or civil suit.

Picture Of The Day: The streets and sidewalks of the cities always offer interesting subjects. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guys at the barber shop asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with. I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired and I pee a lot. 2) The good thing about growing older is that your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 3) I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her screaming kid in the overhead compartment and she looked at me like I was crazy or something. 4) I'll bet Egyptians thought, "Nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do" and then came the Internet. 5) Teach a child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 17th: Although similes can often be used as humorous ways to compare something that is banal to something that is funny, you are neither cunning nor weasel like. It would be best if you left the comedy to the comedians. This horoscope does not affect your statutory rights.

Birthdays: My pal and one of the best guys I know, Jack Darnell, renowned author and world traveler - Happy Birthday my friend! 19XX, Benjamin Franklin, American Statesman 1706, Kid Rock, rock musician 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a high class jewellery shop. She browsed around, spotted a beautiful bracelet and walked over to inspect it. As she bent over to look at it more closely, she accidentally farted.

Very embarrassed, she looked around nervously to see if anyone had noticed her little accident and prayed that a sales person didn't pop up right now. As she turned around, her worst nightmare materialized in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greeted the lady, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman might just not have been there at the time of her "little" accident, she asked, "What is price of this lovely bracelet?"

The salesman answered, "Madam, if you farted just by looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 90th birthday and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."

As the lady finished her drink, a woman to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water." The bartender replied, "Coming up."

As she finished that drink, a man to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."

As the bartender gave her the drink, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesn't know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

The man says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel and it's $20."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts.

At first, she's embarrassed but then realizes that there's no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldn't know she was the only person there. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

That's it for today, my little red cabooses. Remember, vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Release The Drones !

The U.S. military has obtained a new video showing Sgt Bowe Bergdahl, the only known American soldier in captivity, whose health appears to be diminishing, according to a senior U.S. defense official.

Bergdahl disappeared June 30, 2009, while based in eastern Afghanistan. The Taliban claimed his capture in a video released in mid-July that year, which showed the young soldier appearing downcast and frightened. In the latest video received by the military, Bergdahl was speaking and appeared "gaunt."

Bergdahl is believed to be held by the Taliban-linked Haqqani network in Pakistan. Last year, the Taliban offered a deal to free Bergdahl in exchange for five of their most senior operatives being held at Guatanamo Bay. The proposal was rejected by the Obama administration over a longstanding U.S. policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

On a personal note, I would make the towelheads a proposition that they release the prisoner or face immediate consequences, including the advice that if should any harm come to the soldier, then armed drones would begin eliminating any and all villages in the Eastern Pakistan mountains that shelter the Taliban with no regard as to who lives there. Enough of this shit ! 

The News As I See It: Did you watch the Golden Globes? The big winner was "American Hustle," a film about the marketing of Obamacare.

Justin Bieber reportedly caused $20,000 in damage to his neighbor's home by egging it. It's being called the most pointless use of an egg since the fertilization of Justin Bieber. Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched. Police discovered cocaine, but no evidence of talent.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie delivered his state of the state address He said the state is improving, but admitted that it's still New Jersey.

People investigating the Chris Christie bridge scandal say the governor could be removed from office. Critics say moving Christie from office would involve a three-ton construction crane.

In the wake of the embarrassing Chris Christie scandal, the governor has fired the person responsible. To which Obama said, "You can do that?"

A Japanese company bought the Jim Beam whiskey distillery for $16 billion. The next morning, the Japanese company CEO woke up in an alley and said, "I did what?"

There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives.

Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees is being suspended 162 games without pay for using performance-enhancing drugs. A-Rod's suspension is the longest doping penalty in the history of baseball. So another record for A-Rod. What a career he's had.

This Date In History: 1559; Queen Elizabeth I was crowned in Westminster Abbey. 1759; The British Museum opened. 1777; The Republic of New Connecticut declared its independence. Six months later it was renamed Vermont. 1870; The donkey was first used as symbol of the Democratic Party in Harper's Weekly.

1943; The world's largest office building, the Pentagon, was completed. 1967; The first Super Bowl was played - Green Bay Packers 35, Kansas City Chiefs 10. 1973; President Nixon orders halt to offensive operations in North Vietnam.

1992; The European Community recognized Croatia and Slovenia as separate states, effectively ending the Yugoslav federation, founded in 1918.

2009; After allegedly striking a flock of geese, US Airways Flight 1549, en route from La Guardia Airport, New York City, to Charlotte, N.C., is forced to land in the Hudson River. All 150 passengers and 5 crew members survived. The pilot, Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger III, was hailed as the "Hero of the Hudson" for his quick thinking and deft landing of the plane.

Picture Of The Day: This picture reminds me of Congresswomen Nancy Pelosi, Maxine Waters and Debbie Wasserman Schulz.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A weeping willow tree is just like a regular willow tree, only married. 2) Necessity is the mother of invention and the wife of Bill. Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name. 3) Getting older is like a walk in the park where no one picks up after the dogs. 4) I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll keep you posted. 5) You can tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 15th: Don't trust any one who says, "A little birdie told me." Besides the fact that little birdies can't speak, they're renown liars. If for some unknown reason, the person was able to communicate with little birdies, chances are he or she escaped from a farm.

Birthdays: My pal Regina - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Moliere, playwright 1622, Abigail Kelley Foster, abolitionist 1810, Edward Teller, atomic physicist 1908, Lloyd Bridges, actor 1913, Robert Byrd, political leader 1917, Gamal Nasser, Egyptian political leader 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A couple who had been married for 50 years were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,we`ve been married for 50 years." She replied, "Yeah, just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

The old man said, "I Know. We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." Granny snickered, "Well, what do you say? Wanna get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

The little old lady breathlessly replied, "You know,honey, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." Gramps replied, "I wouldn`t be surprised, one`s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal..... 

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" The husband replied, "Yep. In-laws."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday. He asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?"

She said, thoughtfully, "Well, I've always eaten moderately and worked hard. I never smoked or drank and I keep good hours."

The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The elderly lady replied, "Well sure, but don't put that in your newspaper."

A foursome of guys is waiting at the mens' tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!" (He never even had a chance to duck).

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, if I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking into any gyms. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !