Monday, January 20, 2014

Looking Forward To A Smokin' Super Bowl

It's official - the Denver Broncos will face the Seattle Seahawks in the 2014 Marijuana Bowl, Super Bowl XLVII. Both Denver and Seattle recently legalized recreational marijuana but the Super bowl will be in New Jersey where I'm sure no one smokes weed during a game.

So, I'm sure the smell of weed will permeate the Super Bowl stadium although you may not pay much attention to that as you avoid brawls, step over injured or dead bodies and make your way to your seats which will be occupied by the Brothers.

Once you've payed the ransom for your already paid for seats, you can enjoy the smells of New Jersey and watch the game. There may also be the added attraction of snow, ice and rain which will the Pièce de résistance of your football fantasy holiday.

I guess I'll just have to suffer out by the pool in sunny Miami watching the game on a big screen, drinking Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks and and glancing occasionally at the ladies in their bikinis.....

In Sunday's playoff games, the Denver Broncos handily defeated the New England 26-16. The victory wasn't as close as the score indicates as Denver ran all over New England.

The Seattle Seahawks defeated the San Francisco Forty-Niners in a close game that was decided on the final play when Richard Sherman batted away a Colin Kaepernick end zone pass that was intended for Michael Crabtree. The batted ball was caught by Seattle linebacker Malcolm Smith, thus ending the game.  

San Francisco's Richard Sherman, in a subsequent sideline TV interview, began an ignorant tirade typical of the famed NBA idiot, Dennis Rodman. Fortunately, like most of his ilk, no one understood a word he was saying.

The News As I See It: Health authorities say they're seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That's great news, huh? We finally get health care and now we've got diseases you can't treat.

The number of times you are allowed to flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner is three. After that, make sure no one was watching as the old folks home is becoming a reality more and more each day.

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, "Meet the Beatles". 1981; 52 American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity. 1981; President Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days).

2009; Hundreds of thousands of people watched in front of the Capitol as President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden are sworn into office. 2012; Singer Etta James died less than a week before her 74th birthday.

Picture Of The Day: The Super Bowl XLVIII trophy which is the most sought after prize of the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Judging by their knives, I'm thinking the Swiss Army are mostly bartenders. 2) If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 3) Parents with their first kid peels the grape and slices it into 84 tiny pieces. Parents with their fourth kid gives him a knife and fork to cut their own steak. 4) Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look. 5) I love the way all employees working the drive thru at Burger King speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.....and that's five !

Today's HoroscopeAquarius - January 20th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair.

Birthdays: Richard Henry Lee, political leader 1732, Walter Piston, composer and teacher 1894, George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.), American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." Alex replied, "Good morning, Pastor," still focused on the plaque.

Alex asked, "Pastor, what is this?" The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

He asked, "How would you feel if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

One boy answered, "Nah, I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a bit of confusion at the local Walmart store yesterday. When the buyer was ready to pay for his purchase of a box of shotgun shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, he did just as she had instructed. When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to my credit card. The man has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"

That's it for today, my little blueberry muffins. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life and you're probably already screwing it up.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

1 comment:

jack69 said...

You said:
watching the game on a big screen, drinking Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks and and glancing occasionally at the ladies in their bikinis.....

I am not sure you have these in the right order, but enjoy the game.
Imma try that test results thingee on Sherry tonight!

Good read..... Thanks for the education and laughs.