Not So Super Bowl

It was game time, I had my Corona and Ruffles at hand. I was ready for the highly touted Super Bowl game. I didn't care who won as I like both teams and was looking forward to a good game. That's the problem with looking forward or as Webster's likes to call it, "anticipation."

The first indication that the game was going to be weird was when Broadway Joe inadvertently flipped the coin before anyone called heads or tails. Then, in the first twelve seconds of the game, a botched snap by center Manny Ramirez flew by Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning and into the end zone, where Denver running back Knowshon Moreno recovered it. Seattle 2, Broncos zip. This was my second indication.

After the safety and ensuing free kick, Seattle got the ball back at its 36. A 31-yard field goal by Steven Hauschka made it 5-0, and the Seahawks were on their way to a 43-8 rout.

The handwriting was on the wall, which was weird because walls with prognostication are usually not allowed on the playing field. Yes, football fans, as the moon, like a testicle, hung low in the evening sky, I began surfing the TV channels for something a bit more interesting to watch....like a lobotomy.

Occasionally, I checked back into the game only to see the hapless Broncos continue to flail and make extraordinary errors and lapses in judgement. Finally, I went online to surf the web for anything remotely entertaining.

I tuned back in to the final moments of the game to watch the matador (if you will) finish off the bull (in this case, Broncos).....

Economic inequality is a farce. If you took the entire nation, stripped them of their finances and put everyone in a starting job at $10 per hour, the same people would return to their original financial position within ten years. Money cannot be assigned, it must be earned.

Face it, the cards do not always fall as one would hope. Some people will be doctors and others will work at McDonalds. That's just the way it is.....

The News As I See It: In Atlanta, people are still complaining about the slow response to the icy roads and snow. I don’t think the governor helped himself. His excuse was, "Emergency crews would have been there sooner, but there was a storm."

Ratings for Obama's State of the Union address were the lowest in 14 years. The speech drew 33 million people, which is still pretty good — considering it was a rerun.

Sunday was Groundhog Day, coinciding with the Super Bowl. I got up early on Groundhog Day, stuffed the groundhog and put it in a medium oven. Coincidentally, that's the same thing the Seahawks did to the Broncos.

Am I a great prognosticator or what? On Friday, I predicted the Broncos would beat the Seahawks 24-21. As you know, the Seahawks creamed the Broncos 48-7. Pretty close, eh?

This Date In History: 1468; Johann Gutenberg, German printer and inventor, died. 1870; The 15th Amendment (black suffrage) passed. 1913; The 16th Amendment, establishing federal income tax, was ratified.

1917; The U.S. broke off diplomatic relations with Germany. 1959; Rock singers, Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and Big Bopper died in a plane crash.

1995; Col. Eileen Collins became the first woman to pilot the space shuttle when the Discovery blasted off. 1998; Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker, the first woman to be executed in the United States since 1984.

Picture Of The Day: Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for president.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork. 2) Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I've narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Buttermilk. 3) Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his dorky flat brimmed baseball hat that he's wearing backwards and his arms are marked with what seems to be graffiti, that's his way of telling you he won't pay child support. 4) She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche. 5) Valentine's Day was created by a woman that didn't get what she wanted for Christmas.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 3rd: I'm no attorney, but admitting to shooting the sheriff is not a good alibi when being accused of shooting the deputy.

Birthdays: My friends Ben, Bev and Bruce - Happy Birthday 19XX, Felix Mendelssohn, composer 1809, Horace Greeley, newspaper editor and founder 1811, Gertrude Stein, author 1874, Norman Rockwell, illustrator 1894, Alvar Aalto, architect and furniture designer 1898, James Michener, author 1907, Joey Bishop, comedian, actor 1918.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old woman won a radio at a senior citizens retirement home and decide to write them a letter of thanks.

Dear Ladies and gentlemen:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Agnes

 Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since his birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants. If he curses while he tells you what he wants, leave a pile of dog poop in place his birthday presents."

Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for for his birthday. Johnny said, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

On his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile of dog poop. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his mother smiled and asked, "What did your father give you for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

The little old lady says,"Oh, really? Darn! I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me." The cop says, "Not so fast. How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

The little old lady says, "Oh no. You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes."

The cop laughs, "Well, that seems only fair. Okay, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'' The little old lady says,  "Well, you know not everybody pays."

That's it for today, my little moon pies. Remember, relationships are about compromise. I pretend she's not yelling and bitching. She pretends I'm not digging her grave in the garden.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Super Bowl Sunday

Sunday's Super Bowl will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey, a state that is accustomed to 300-pound guys blocking things. The forecast is expected to be in the mid-30s. It's above freezing but not so warm that you can smell the bodies in the swamp.

Yep, it's the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks in the Big One that, due to both states recent legalization of recreational weed, is now also known as the Marijuana Bowl.

There are still more than 11,000 Super Bowl tickets unsold. Why they would have trouble selling $1,500 tickets to an outdoor event being held in a blizzard that you can watch on TV for free, is beyond me.

The odds makers have the Broncos favored by three points.
While I rarely pay much attention to the oddsmakers, I feel that Denver has the offense edge behind the experience of quarterback Peyton Manning, Defensively, it remains to be seen if Richard Sherman will play as the well spoken Dr. Jekyll or the rude, hot headed, Mr. Hyde.

I look forward to the normally well produced commercials through out the game and I see the outcome as the Denver Broncos defeating the Seattle Seahawks, 24 to 21.

Who will be playing? Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

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There are certain rites of passage between father and son that are passed down from generation to generation. I fondly recall when my father and I, like his father and he before him, experienced one particular rite. To this day, it still brings tears to my eyes when I sat down with my son and said to him, "Hey Kevin, pull my finger."

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The News As I See It: Vice President Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president.

In New Orleans, Hillary Clinton said she still doesn't know if she's running for president in 2016. Isn’t that unbelievable? With 315 million Americans, what are the odds she’s the only one in the country who doesn’t know she’s running for president in 2016?

Obama gave his State of the Union address Tuesday night. Obama says he wants to give "America a raise." He’s just waiting for final approval from China. As soon as they say it’s OK, then we’ll move ahead.

Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the State of his Prostate.

The recent Atlanta snowstorm resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. People in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?"

Fans are expected to eat 21,000 hot dogs on Super Bowl Sunday. So, don’t be surprised when this year’s Budweiser ad doesn’t feature any horses.

The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch.
 

This Date In History: 1606; Guy Fawkes, a co-conspirator in the Gunpowder Plot, was executed. 1865; Robert E. Lee was appointed commander-in-chief of the Confederate forces.

1865; The House of Representatives approved the Thirteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which abolished slavery in the United States.

1940; The first social security check was issued to Ida Fuller for $22.54. 1958; The first U.S. earth satellite, Explorer I, was launched. 1990; The first McDonald's opened in Russia.

Picture Of The Day: Will Peyton Manning's experience affect to outcome of the Super Bowl?

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Watching the Obama propaganda machine in motion, I realized that the average octopus spends two thirds of its life rolling up its sleeves. 2) Sure, women "say" that you don't need men anymore, but just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars. 3) Jehovah's Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts and started selling cookies 4) I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from "none" to "shitloads". 5) Even if I’m mad at my girlfriend, I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 31st: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. The partner of your dreams will realize you are worthy of attention, today. Stock up on alcohol and remember to change the sheets.

Birthdays: My friend Tressa - Happy Birthday girl ! 19XX, Franz Schubert, Austrian composer 1797, Zane Grey, author 1872, Tallulah Bankhead, actress 1902, John O'Hara, novelist and short-story writer, 1905, Thomas Merton, religious writer and poet 1915, Jackie Robinson, baseball player 1919, Carol Channing, comedienne, singer 1921, Norman Mailer, writer 1923, Minnie Driver, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. The preacher asks, "Have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I didn't!" The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

The cop says, "What's going on here?" The biker replies, "My friend here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his throat!" The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favourite corgi and squashed it flat.

He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the garbage.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always making fun of her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says, "On second thought, get that f*cking dog out of the garbage again!"

 A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "Okay! You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. The supports would never reach the bottom of the Pacific. No, think of another wish." The man said okay and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, the man said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. To know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment and why they're crying. I want to know what they really want when they say 'nothing', how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?

That's it for today, my little Bud Lites. Remember, sober me will always have your back. Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Looking Forward To A Smokin' Super Bowl

It's official - the Denver Broncos will face the Seattle Seahawks in the 2014 Marijuana Bowl, Super Bowl XLVII. Both Denver and Seattle recently legalized recreational marijuana but the Super bowl will be in New Jersey where I'm sure no one smokes weed during a game.

So, I'm sure the smell of weed will permeate the Super Bowl stadium although you may not pay much attention to that as you avoid brawls, step over injured or dead bodies and make your way to your seats which will be occupied by the Brothers.

Once you've payed the ransom for your already paid for seats, you can enjoy the smells of New Jersey and watch the game. There may also be the added attraction of snow, ice and rain which will the Pièce de résistance of your football fantasy holiday.

I guess I'll just have to suffer out by the pool in sunny Miami watching the game on a big screen, drinking Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks and and glancing occasionally at the ladies in their bikinis.....

In Sunday's playoff games, the Denver Broncos handily defeated the New England 26-16. The victory wasn't as close as the score indicates as Denver ran all over New England.

The Seattle Seahawks defeated the San Francisco Forty-Niners in a close game that was decided on the final play when Richard Sherman batted away a Colin Kaepernick end zone pass that was intended for Michael Crabtree. The batted ball was caught by Seattle linebacker Malcolm Smith, thus ending the game.  

San Francisco's Richard Sherman, in a subsequent sideline TV interview, began an ignorant tirade typical of the famed NBA idiot, Dennis Rodman. Fortunately, like most of his ilk, no one understood a word he was saying.

The News As I See It: Health authorities say they're seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That's great news, huh? We finally get health care and now we've got diseases you can't treat.

The number of times you are allowed to flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner is three. After that, make sure no one was watching as the old folks home is becoming a reality more and more each day.

This Date In History: 1801; John Marshall was appointed Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, 1841; As a result of the First Opium War, Hong Kong was ceded to the British. 1942; The Nazis formulated their "Final Solution" regarding the Jews at the Wannsee Conference.

1964; The Beatles released their first album in the United States, "Meet the Beatles". 1981; 52 American hostages seized from the American Embassy in Tehran were released after 444 days in captivity. 1981; President Reagan became the oldest president to take office (69 years and 349 days).

2009; Hundreds of thousands of people watched in front of the Capitol as President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden are sworn into office. 2012; Singer Etta James died less than a week before her 74th birthday.

Picture Of The Day: The Super Bowl XLVIII trophy which is the most sought after prize of the game.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Judging by their knives, I'm thinking the Swiss Army are mostly bartenders. 2) If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 3) Parents with their first kid peels the grape and slices it into 84 tiny pieces. Parents with their fourth kid gives him a knife and fork to cut their own steak. 4) Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look. 5) I love the way all employees working the drive thru at Burger King speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 20th: Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair.

Birthdays: Richard Henry Lee, political leader 1732, Walter Piston, composer and teacher 1894, George Burns, actor, comedian 1896, Joy Adamson, writer and conservationist 1910, Federico Fellini, filmmaker 1920, DeForest Kelley, actor 1920, Buzz Aldrin (Edwin Eugene Aldrin, Jr.), American astronaut 1930, David Lynch, filmmaker 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex." Alex replied, "Good morning, Pastor," still focused on the plaque.

Alex asked, "Pastor, what is this?" The pastor replied, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?"

The teacher was trying to get his seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

He asked, "How would you feel if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

One boy answered, "Nah, I'd just figure it was my sister's date."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a bit of confusion at the local Walmart store yesterday. When the buyer was ready to pay for his purchase of a box of shotgun shells, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, he did just as she had instructed. When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to my credit card. The man has been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very closely, "Are - my - test - results - back?"

That's it for today, my little blueberry muffins. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life and you're probably already screwing it up.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !