Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Sky Is Falling, The Sky Is Falling !

The Swine Flu. To the uninformed, you'd think that Armageddon has arrived, especially if you listen to the daily news, and especially CNN. The phrase "I don't want to panic anyone" must have been muttered a hundred times this week by broadcasters. Hey, if you don't want the masses to panic, quit auto-suggesting it every five minutes.

Overkill? As an example and per CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer on the Tuesday 4:00 pm Situation Room, "the Swine Flu is 'racing' across America." Uh, Wolf? If the swine flu could possibly become a pandemic and is "racing across America" with less than 100 confirmed cases, how would you describe 12 million illegal aliens entering the United States? A lightspeed epidemic?

The Swine Flew? Before you get all atwitter about the Swine flu, keep in mind that an average of 36,000 people die every year from common influenza. The Swine flu will affect the infirmed, senior citizens and children more than anyone else. Although this particular strain is also affecting ages 5 through 35 as well, it makes excellent sense to use all precautions. The current consensus of most doctors however, is that the flu will run its course with or without seeing a doctor. Common sense, avoiding public places and good health habits such as washing one's hands often, are normally all one needs to do to avoid the "pending doom" of the Swine Flu.

As statistics go, the Swine flu only ranks 15th on the scale of how one can die in Mexico. The number one statistic is the "bullet flu," followed closely by the "hostage for ransom flu." Montezuma's revenge was not included in the study as it is accepted as a "given" when visiting Mexico.

Congratulations to the White House assholes who ordered an Air Force One jet to fly at low level over New York City, accompanied by an Air Force F-16 fighter, so that they could get a photo-op. The leadership must have really thought this one out well and I assume it never dawned on them that there was a similar incident that took place on SEPTEMBER 11, 2001.

My thinking is that it was probably that dufus, Vice-President Joe Biden, who probably stole the keys to the family Air Force One jet and took it on a joy ride, pretending to be the president. As for the photo-op, after a two year campaign for the presidency and all of the tricks and ruses they learned during that period, one might think that they might have just used photoshop and imprinted Air Force One over the Statue of Liberty. It's not like they haven't used photoshop before.

Aside from the obvious panic that it caused, the chance of injuring many people and the obvious ramifications could have been far worse. Fortunately, people used care in evacuating the buildings. Obama, in a new conference, said he had no prior knowledge of the orders and learned about it at the same time everyone else did. Way to be in charge, Barry!

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award had many responses and judging from your comments, Enrique Gonzalez, the 26-year-old Fresno, California father who held down his seven year old son while another man tattooed his belly with a street gang sign qualified him as the number one asshole.

I thought the overall opinion was that most of the nominees were in a position to be nominated again in the future and Gonzalez's ignorant actions warranted the top spot. The CAT Award goes to Enrique Gonzalez. With any luck, maybe a group of his future cellmates will hold hm down and tattoo a gang sign on his johnson.

This Date In History: 1429; Joan of Arc leads a French army into the besieged city of Orléans and thereafter is known as the Maid of Orléans. 1980; Alfred Hitchcock, best known for psychological suspense films such as Psycho, dies aged 80. 1984; Britain announces that its administration of Hong Kong will cease in 1997, when it will return the colony to China. 1992; One of the worst riots in American history erupts in Los Angeles, California, when a jury acquits four white police officers of beating black motorist Rodney King.

Picture Of The Day: I was fortunate to acquire these select pictures of cases of the Swine flu which is "racing across America." These detailed and grizzly pictures were taken around Mexico and the Southwestern United States.

The Obama administration is considering a nation-wide vaccine for the Swine Flu. The vaccine, which could be ready in as early as six months, would be administered for an influenza that will runs its individual course in seven days. The side effects of such a vaccine is Guillain-Barre syndrome (GBS) affecting the immune system and often resulting in death. Personally, I'll take my chances with the Swine Flu.

Birthdays: Alexander II, emperor of Russia 1818, William Randolph Hearst, American publisher 1863, Duke Ellington, American jazz musician 1899, Hirohito, emperor of Japan 1901, Zubin Mehta, Indian-born conductor 1936.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 2) The caliber of the "customer service" telephone employee seems to be dropping drastically, especially with banks and cable companies. While it's better than being "shipped" to India to resolve a problem, I find it a bit disconcerting when the "voice" behind the phone either butchers the English language or doesn't understand it very well. 3) Although you might find this difficult to believe, I occasionally go off on a rant. 4) I once shot Brother Kirt in the ass with a BB rifle. 5) I've found that I can have the body of a twenty-five year old, providing I buy her a few drinks first.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

My thanks to my pal, Garnett, for the following ditty:

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

An big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. The nurse said, "No, I'm sorry, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

The attorney began complaining and insulting the nurse, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out! He continues cursing at the nurse as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room and says "What's going on here?" The attorney snottily answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

That's it for today my little piglets. Today's Hump Day and AREA 51 is my destination for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 27, 2009

The Cat's Ass Trophy: You Make The Call !

The Nascar Talledega 500 was run on Sunday and if you didn't see the race, you missed one mell of a hess. To give you an idea of what it's like, imagine yourself in bumper to bumper, three abreast, traffic on the expressway doing 55 miles per hour on a 500 mile trip. Now, turn off your air-conditioner and speed up to nearly 200 miles per hour. That's how it is!

The final laps of the race was a nail biter and culminated in near catastrophe. On the last lap, race leader Carl Edwards, driving the number 99 car was turned by race winner Brag Keselowski while driving toward the finish and went airborne into the retaining fence. Fortunately, the fence did its job and no one in the crowd was seriously injured. After his wreck, Edwards emerged from his burning wreck uninjured, sprinted the final few yards to the finish line and received a standing ovation from the cheering crowd.

The race was remnant of the 1987 wreck at the same speedway when Bobby Allison blew a left rear tire and went airborne into the retaining fence. The Allison crash prompted Nascar to introduce restrictor plates on the carburetors to lower the top speeds of the race cars, This is the first similar incident since Allison's 1987 crash.

Author's Note You may want to turn off the playlist sound to hear the video commentary.

The Cat's Ass Trophy: You Make The Call

The natives were restless last week and the Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award had many nominees. After discussing the nominees with my co-judge, Possum (aka Shithead, my cat), we were unable to decide who deserved the CAT Award. We then made the decision to let you, the faithful readers of Jimmy's Journal, decide who is most deserving of the Cat's Ass Trophy. The nominees are:

1) Barack Obama, for his ignorant request to Georgetown University to "cover all of the Georgetown University signage and symbols behind Gaston Hall stage" for his speech there. The signage included the monogram “IHS,” an abbreviation for Jesus’ name.

2) Georgetown University, for acquiescing to Obama's demands and not having the balls to tell him to go to hell.

3) Nancy Pelosi, who stuttered and slobbered all over herself while lying that she had never been made aware of or advised of waterboarding. But when confronted with the evidence that she did indeed know, evidence, including a 2007 article referencing a hour long briefing in 2002 where she and three others were told of the waterboarding and given a tour of the detention facility, she used the tried and true excuse, “Well…But” the CIA didn’t tell me they would really use it!

4) Enrique Gonzalez, a 26-year-old Fresno, California father who held down his seven year old son while another man tattooed his belly with a street gang sign. Gonzalez faces six charges including mayhem, child abuse, false imprisonment, battery, participating in a criminal street gang and committing a crime for the benefit of a gang.

5) Miguel Angel Rodriguez, a 20-year-old Albany, New York father who shoplifted more than $1,000 worth of games in his two year old stepdaughter's stroller while pushing the child through a video store. Rodriguez was charged with attempted grand larceny and acting in a manner injurious to a child.

These are the nominees for the CAT Award for last week. You make the call.

This Date In History: 1296; Edward I defeats the Scots at the Battle of Dunbar during the Scottish Wars of Independence. 1521; Ferdinand Magellan, the first man to circumnavigate the globe, is killed in the Philippines. 1828; London Zoo opens in Regent’s Park. 1961; Sierra Leone gains independence from Britain.

Picture Of The Day: The Talladgega 500 dominates today's pictures and these are only a few of the many photographs of the final lap of the race. I've seen some pretty big wrecks in my time and this one rates right up among the worst crashes. Thankfully, Nascar has come up with many measures that protect the drivers and the public from injury. I would assume that there will be some new measures that will come to pass as a result of Sunday's crash.

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannette - Happy Birthday baby! 19XX, My beautiful pal, Cari, - Happy Birthday, my love 19XX, Samuel Morse, American artist and inventor 1791, Ulysses S. Grant, American general and 18th president of the United States 1822, Walter Lantz, American animator and creator of my pal, Woody Woodpecker. 1900, Cecil Day Lewis, poet and novelist 1904.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've learned that change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 2) Watching the local news on Saturday morning after my Friday post about Craigslist, I was amused to see that the top story was coverage of a prostitute sting in Miami. They were answering "masseuse" ads from Craigslist. 3) My ex-wife didn't suffer from stress, but she was a carrier. 4) I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 5) I accept the fact that some days I'm the pigeon, and some days I'm the statue.

My pal, Julie suggested that members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men......" The husband turned to his wife and said, "What did you say?"

When Georgie Dubya was president, Donald Rumsfeld was briefing him in the Oval Office. Rumsfeld says, "Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today." Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands and mutters, "This is terrible news!" Bush then turns aside to Vice President Dick Cheney and whispers, "Dick, how many is a brazillion?"

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake, while her dad gets his haircut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." The little girls says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man says to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

That's it for today my little cheese doodles. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, April 24, 2009

Craigslist: Chose A Category And Take A Chance ! What's the Worst Thing That Could Happen ?

I'd like to tell you a few things that I know about Craigslist. A few month's ago, one of my friends wanted to purchase an automobile and was searching different sites on the Internet for deals. He went to Craigslist and then called me with a deal that looked great. Since neither of us had any experience with Craigslist, I told him that I wasn't familiar with the site but would investigate it.

As it turns out, the SUV was about $10,000 below all other autos of the same year and class. Reading the comments from the "owner," she was a single mother of three children, who was losing her home due to foreclosure. In email conversations, the "owner " wanted the buyer to email monies via Western Union and stated that you could purchase insurance which would guarantee delivery of the vehicle.

I then checked the Internet for ruses often used in these types of transactions and lo and behold, there was an announcement from Craigslist stating that one should never wire monies via Western Union for any automobile transactions. Further investigation found the so-called insurance was also a scam. Other listings had similar "sad" stories and my friend reported the situation to Craigslist and marked all future emails as spam.

Craigslist is well aware of these types of scams and is notorious for not doing anything about eliminating them. Add to that, the recent arrest of Phillip Markoff for the murder of a pretty New York masseuse ( read "prostitute") who advertised on the site and you have a good idea of what to expect when you go there. There are 9,000 listings on Craigslist “Erotic Services” category in the New York region alone.

It's relatively easy for most people to ignore scams such as the daily email offers from the Nigerian street monkeys. They are usually poorly worded and unsophisticated, but some of the more subtle scams sometimes are quite successful. Automobile scams and erotic services aside, you should always investigate any offer that appears too good to be true.

The economy is so bad that: 1) Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So, the guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear. 2) CEO's are now playing miniature golf. 3) Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes. 4) Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. 5) PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings. 6) People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. 7) A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico. 8) Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. 9) Motel Six won’t leave the light on. 10) The Mafia is laying off judges.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award is still open for nominees and if someone or something comes to mind, feel free to make a nomination. The CAT Award is open for nominations until Monday at noon.

This Date In History: 1792; “La Marseillaise” (“The Song of Marseille”), the French national anthem, is written by Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle, in Strasbourg. 1898; Spain declares war on the United States, ignoring an ultimatum to withdraw from Cuba. 1915; The Armenian genocide, which sees at least 1 million Armenians deported and murdered, begins. 1916; Irish nationalists rise up against British rule in Ireland. 1990; The Hubble Space Telescope is launched.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are from National Geographic Magazine and the site offers a myriad of beautiful pictures, including wallpaper, that can be downloaded free. The site offers award winning pictures of people, places and things and is one of my best sources. I tend to lean toward landscapes and the flora and fauna within, but you will be amazed at the diversity of the site. I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Birthdays: Edmund Cartwright, inventor of the power loom 1743, Anthony Trollope, novelist 1815, Hugh Dowding, leader of Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain 1882, Willem de Kooning, American painter 1904, Robert Penn Warren, American novelist and poet 1905.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have realized that if it weren't for marriage, I would have gone through life thinking I had no faults at all. 2) Watching those commercials showing how detergents take out bloodstains leads me to believe that if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 3) My first car was a 1955 Midnight Blue Ford with a three speed floor mounted transmission. There were other things mounted in the car, but I defer to the title of this paragraph. 4) I used to collect empty soda bottles from construction sites on the way home from elementary school. At two cents each, ten empty soda bottles paid twenty cents, which bought a RC Cola and two moon pies. 5) Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally passes gas quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

A lady walked into a jewelry store, just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful gold bracelet that she had ever seen. She bent over to inspect it more closely and unexpectedly passed gas.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had heard her and hoped a sales person wasn't around. As she turned around, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile, the salesman said, "Good day, Ma'am, how may I help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely gold bracelet?" Still smiling pleasantly, the salesman replied, "Ma'am, if you farted just by looking at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" The blonde said, "Yes, do you need a lift?" The man said, "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." The blonde said, "Sure, I'll be happy to help out.".

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car, were carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

The truck driver said, "What are you doing here? I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." The blonde said, "I did, but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

That's it for today my spicy little chicken wings. I'm going to AREA 51 and do some undercover investigations. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Some Things Just Blow My Mind !

I rarely have knee jerk reactions to the daily doses of media hype and banter as all of the media, especially NBC and CNN, seems to have found a new supreme being in the form of Barack Obama. Be that as it may, I would be remiss if I didn't comment on the recent speech by Obama at Georgetown University.

Georgetown, which is run by the Jesuit order, is one of the most prestigious Catholic institutions of higher education in the United States. Roman Catholics traditionally use “IHS” as an abbreviation for Jesus’ name. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, “St. Ignatius of Loyola adopted the monogram in his seal as general of the Society of Jesus (1541) and thus became the emblem of his institute.” The Society of Jesus is the formal name for the Jesuits.

The White House asked Georgetown to "cover all of the Georgetown University signage and symbols behind Gaston Hall stage." The monogram symbolizing Jesus' name in Gaston Hall, which Obama used for his speech, was covered over by a piece of black-painted plywood, and remained covered over the next day.

I believe that everyone has the right to his own religion and ostensibly, the White House request was in limiting the presidential backdrops to the American Flag and presidential seal. It seems to me, however, that Obama has protested that he is a "devout Christian" and theoretically, the monogram would not be bothersome to him.

If Obama is so concerned about appearances, especially so as not to favor any religion, race, or creed, he should rethink his recent "boyz in the hood" handshake with Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez.

When President Obama visited the Blue Mosque in Istanbul earlier this month he “padded, shoeless like his entire entourage in accordance with religious custom, across the carpeted mosque interior.” Photos from that visit do not show any religious symbols in the mosque covered up. Apparently, Obama only has problems with Christian symbols.

Frankly, I was not aware of the Georgetown incident, but my pals Julie and Missie both brought it to my attention and they nominated both Barack Obama and Georgetown University for The Cat's Ass Trophy. After researching this, I concur wholeheartedly and second the nomination, Obama for his ignorant request and Georgetown University for not having the balls to tell Obama to go to hell.

It may just be me, but I'm really getting pissed with the way the world is reacting to the Somali terrorists who hijack cargo ships daily. In the past few days, NATO warships and helicopters intercepted and captured seven of these assholes and freed their hostages. Then, after throwing all of the terrorists weapons overboard, they released them! What in the hell are these people thinking?

The terrorists attacked a Norwegian freighter, who radioed for help. A Canadian NATO warship responded to the call. The American ship USS Halyburton was also in the area and joined the chase. After chasing down the terrorists with helicopters and firing warning shots across the bow of the boat, the terrorists surrendered. NATO forces boarded the skiff, where they found a rocket-propelled grenade, and interrogated, disarmed and released the terrorists.

The terrorists cannot be prosecuted under Canadian law because they did not attack Canadian citizens or interests and the crime was not committed on Canadian territory. Nato spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Alexandre Santos Fernandes of Portugal said, "When a ship is part of NATO, the detention of person is a matter for the national authorities. It stops being a NATO issue and starts being a national issue." Most of the time foreign navies simply disarm and release the terrorists they catch due to legal complications and logistical difficulties in transporting terrorists and witnesses to court.

The Somali street monkeys must be rolling over in laughter in the stupid way NATO forces are handling captured terrorists. The only way that they will really understand that we mean business is when they begin to find the bodies of their comrades washing up on shore. I guarantee you that after forty or fifty bodies are found floating in the ocean, these acts of "piracy" will be over and done with.

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvarez Cabral lands in Brazil and claims it for Portugal. 1915; At the Second Battle of Ypres, during World War I, German troops use chlorine gas for the first time on the Western Front. 1969; Robin Knox-Johnston sails into Falmouth, completing the first non-stop solo voyage around the world, after 312 days at sea. 1970; Earth Day, an event intended to increase public awareness of environmental issues and to promote conservation of the world's resources, is first celebrated.

Happy Hump Day to everyone! I'm off to AREA 51 for my midweek consultations and I hope that each and every one of you are able to enjoy your own personal AREA51.

Picture Of The Day: If you saw the movie "The Usual Suspects," you will hopefully appreciate today's pictures. The one good thing about the world of photography and the art of the photoshop is that statements can be made without even saying a word.

Birthdays: Isabella I, queen of Castile 1451, Vladimir Lenin, Soviet leader and theorist 1870, Robert Oppenheimer, American physicist and government adviser, who directed the development of the first atomic bombs 1904, Charles Mingus, American jazz musician 1922, James Stirling, architect 1926.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. 2) I bought my first electric guitar when I was nineteen and I still play it today. 3) I know that this may surprise you, but I was paddled regularly in school for being a "smart alec." 4) The three words guaranteed to humiliate every man are "hold my purse." 5) I think that instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

Today is Earth Day and hopefully, one day, the world will actually take the problem of global pollution, overpopulation and the raping of it's natural resources seriously.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Brother Kirt is a retired postal worker and president of his union. As one who represents his workers and knows the ins and outs of the Post Office, he submitted the following story:

A man went to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer said, "Are you allergic to anything?" The replied, "Yes, caffeine." The interviewer asked, "Have you ever been in the military service?" The man said, "Yes, I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.

The interviewer then asked, "Are you disabled in any way?" The man said, "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles." The interviewer grimaced and then said, "OK, You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am everyday."

The man is puzzled and says, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me to here until 10 am? The interviewer says, "This is a government job. For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

The banana was the dirty old man of the fruit and vegetable convention.

One Monday morning, mailman Kirt is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

Kirt says, "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"

Kirt thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Bob says, "Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

Kirt laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." Bob says, "It's probably a good thing you did. Your name came up seven times...."

That's it for today my little postage stamps. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, April 20, 2009

Mundane Monday - So Far, So Good !

Fifty year old Mark Martin won Saturday night's Nascar race at Phoenix International Speedway. The talented Arkansas driver was only the third driver in Nascar history to win a race at the age of fifty or older. Martin is not only admired by race fans, he's also respected and admired by his fellow drivers.

Known as gentleman's driver and fair racer, Martin has won the pole position for the last two races and it was only a matter of time that he would once again go to the winner's circle. It was his first win for car owner Rick Hendrick and the 36th win of his Nascar Sprint Cup career. Additionally, Martin is a Nascar Nationwide champion with 48 wins, a Camping World Truck series champion with 7 wins and a 5 time International Race Of Champions (IROC) titleist.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT) Award was dusted off and returned to this journal on Friday after a brief respite. The (CAT Award) is given to stupid people for doing stupid things and is open for nominations each week. Should you see or hear of any deserving recipients, by all means, please feel free to nominate them.

LInda in Washington State nominated both Hulk Hogan, for his very crude and disturbing remarks about his soon-to-be ex-wife and Michael and Kristy, the two airhead Domino's Pizza workers who grossed out the nation by doing nasty things to customer's food orders. To make matters worse, they posted a video of their actions on YouTube.

Garnett chimed in with an additional nominee in his Friday comment and added Nick Bollea, the son of Hulk Hogan, who crashed his car 8 months ago while drag racing. The crash left his passenger, John Graziano, 22, with severe head injuries and he remains in a semiconscious state in a hospital. Incidentally, in a Clearwater, Florida courtroom Friday, Bollea was sentenced to eight months in jail for his actions. Eight months in jail seems to be a rather paltry amount of time for Bollea's stupidity and actions.

The actions of both Nick Bollea and his father, Hulk Hogan (Terry Bollea) definitely qualify them as nominees for the (CAT Award). In the case of Nick Bollea, jail time, community service, suspended license, and five years probation are only partial payback for the damage he has done. Unfortunately, the court system makes the decision as to the proper restitution and we have to live with their decision.

Hulk Hogan's remarks were probably made out of frustration, but stating that he could understand what O.J. Simpson did to his ex-wife, Nicole, was disturbing and in poor taste. If Hogan had used any other example from any other divorce case, especially in jest, it probably would have been shrugged off and attributed to the source.

As for Michael and Kristy, the one thing that anyone should be guaranteed while dining or ordering out is to have their food prepared and served in a clean and pristine manner. I have heard too many times of people who do not send improperly prepared, undercooked or burned food back to the kitchen for fear of the "chef's revenge." It is a simple and distinct right to expect properly prepared food from any restaurant or eatery. It is reprehensible that this incident took place and although both have been fired, criminal charges are and should be pending.

The Cat's Ass Trophy goes to Michael and Kristy and to Domino's Pizza, as well for not properly overseeing the pair.

A shoutout to the United States Navy Seals and to all the members of our armed forces.

This Date In History: 1657; Admiral Robert Blake defeats the Spanish fleet at Santa Cruz Bay, Tenerife. 1841; Edgar Allan Poe's "The Murders in the Rue Morgue," considered to be the first detective story, is published in Philadelphia. 1902; Marie and Pierre Curie isolate the radioactive element radium.

Picture Of The Day: Since we're going back to pick up a few items from my previous posts, I thought I'd bring back my pal Woody to say hello. Many of you know him from my posting days on AOL and he's alive and well.

There's no real theme for today's pictures. I posted Mark Martin's photographs to go with the story and the rest of today's pictures are spur of the moment.

Birthdays: Napoleon, emperor of France 1808, Daniel Chester French, American sculptor 1850, Joan Miró, Spanish painter 1893, Harold Lloyd, American film actor 1894, Tito Puente, Puerto Rican musician and bandleader 1923.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that if you must choose between two evils you should pick the one you've never tried before. 2) My cat Shithead (Possum) prefers iced water instead of tap water. When I serve his water, he sniffs it, then turns and looks at me with his "have we forgotten something?" face. 3) I do not Twitter or tweet although I once slept with a lovely bird who chirped. 4) I cannot stand to listen to the big-mouthed liberal Joy Behar (The View). She is obnoxious and frequently interrupts other speakers. Other than a failed career as a dirty-mouthed comedian, I cannot fathom what warrants her being a member of "The View" panel. Then again, the same show also hired Star Jones and Rosie O'Fat Ass 5) If I stand in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear me, am I still wrong?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for.

The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" The first man said, "You probably could, if you took 2 pills."

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." The drunk muttered, "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk said, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

That's it for today my little chipmunks. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !