Friday Shopping Can Sometimes Turn Into A Preliminary To Happy Hour In AREA 51

Today was my shopping and banking day. I don't usually do things like that on Friday, but bread and mayonnaise sandwiches didn't sound too good for lunch and my cat, Possum (aka Shithead), didn't have any cat food, so off I went. I was fairly well prepared and I was able to resolve all of my shopping and banking needs on time.

Late May, June and July are the rainy months and I actually brought my umbrella, which made me proud of myself. I stopped at Publix and for some reason I always have some great adventures there. As a rule, I don't pay much attention to what's written on meat and poultry, relying mostly on eyesight. This often leads to purchasing the wrong cuts of meat, so again, I even thought to bring my glasses.

Checkout was a breeze, I saved money using coupons and Publix even gave me a $10 gift card for something I usually buy anyway and spending over $50. I went to the exit quite content with myself. Lo and behold, the monsoons had arrived. Of course, my umbrella was in the car just in case the car had to go out into the rain.

Undeterred and still relatively happy, I went back inside to buy some cigarettes while I waited for the rain to stop (Yep! Left my cigarettes in the car, as well). I asked the cashier the price of cigarettes and a sweet lass smiled and said, "You shouldn't smoke, it's bad for your health!" I smiled and told her, "I do a lot of things that's bad for my health." I didn't buy the cigarettes (mostly because the price was higher that other stores).

I went outside and the manager and his associate were outside and we were discussing the rainy weather. The same sweet lass came outside and said with a smile, "Don't give him a cigarette, he's trying to quit." I looked at the manager and his associate and they looked at me with that certain look guys give other guys and grinned. I said, "Rainy days turn sunny sometimes...."

I turned to the girl and asked for her name. She told me, but I have a bad habit was analyzing the possibilities and not listening, so I have no idea what she said her name was. I did learn she was in real estate (as am I) and where she goes for happy hour........

I've been meaning to tell everyone that if any of you like singing karaoke, I have quite a few karaoke tracks. If you would like one or two, email me at jimsulliv3@aol.com and I will send them to you (free) by email. You can then download the track, burn it on a CD and voila, you're a singer!

This Date In History: 1453; Ottoman forces under Sultan Muhammad II storm Constantinople, capital of the Byzantine Empire. 1913; Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring premieres in Paris, to rioting. 1953; New Zealander Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay of Nepal are the first men to reach the summit of Mount Everest, the world's highest mountain.

Picture Of The Day: I keep finding Nancy Pelosi waterboarding and lying pictures and you'll have to forgive me, but I just love 'em. Nothing pleases me more than to watch that witch stutter and stammer about the lies she has told. Of all the capable, intelligent women who qualify in my mind as a potential speaker of the house, how they agreed on her is beyond me.

Naturally, I added some of the pictures I took at Publix for your dining and dancing pleasure .

Birthdays: Charles II, king of England, Scotland, and Ireland 1630, G. K. Chesterton, writer 1874, Bob Hope, comedian and film actor 1903, John F. Kennedy, 35th President of the United States (1961-1963) 1917.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I spoke to a doctor the other day and he suggested that a combination of wine, women and song often shortens a man's life. If that's true, I may start singing karaoke less often. 2) For the "My other car is....." people, your other car is just as unreliable as your wit. 3) Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies and kittens (especially kittens). 4) In the Army, I was stationed at Fort Sam Houston Texas. On my first weekend pass, I went to San Antonio and saw the Alamo. That night, I went a nightclub and met Gloria Moreno. I remember the Alamo and I remember Gloria. 5) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I don't remember who wrote that.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

For three years, the young lawyer had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

The lawyer asked, "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" Helen said, "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and we decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

For those who are unaware, my second ex-wife is Cuban, so I though those in the know might enjoy the following story.

Three men got married to Latin women. The first man married a woman from Venezuela. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Mexico. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Cuba. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."His date replied, "Thank heavens, If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

That's it for today my little brussel sprouts. It's Friday and I'm going to that certain AREA 51 location where female real estate agents who shop in Publix go. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Sometimes The Daily News Makes Me Drink Although I Also Drink To Potato Week !

It's politics as usual in Chicago as the FBI has released wiretaps of Senator Roland Burris bribing then Governor Rod Blagojevich for the appointment to the senatorial seat vacated by fellow Chicagoan Barack Obama-Lama-Ding-Dong. Burris, whose story has changed numerous times during and after the Blagojevich senatorial appointment investigation, still maintains he did nothing wrong even after the wiretaps were released.

Politicians ofttimes drive me to drink, but most of the time I just take my own car.

Politics, in general, is now and always has been a "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" situation. If you honestly believe that large corporations and wealthy businessmen make large donations to candidates because they believe they are well intentioned people, then I've got some great swampland in Florida I'd like to sell you.

And speaking of politics......

The New York Times is reporting that new evidence pin-points AT&T as the culprit behind Kris Allen's 'American Idol' victory. During the final performances, the mobile company provided phones for Kris Allen fans to cast blocks of votes. There appear to have been no similar efforts to provide this service to supporters of runner-up Adam Lambert.

Last week, AT&T representatives, whose mobile phone network is the only one that can be used to cast "Idol" votes, provided the free services at two parties in Arkansas after the final performance episode. During the event, the representatives provided instructions on how to send "power texts," which send 10 or more text messages at one time. According to sources, the power texts have an "exponentially greater effect on voting than do single text messages or calls to the show's toll-free phone lines."

Although I do not watch American Idol because of my profound distain for asshole Simon Cowell, I did see the final performances of Kris and Adam, I thought both were excellent singers, each with his own particular style and forte. As for their stage appearances, I thought Kris looked like the typical All-American boy and Adam looked like he felt out of place without his matching handbag and high heels.

I've added some new songs to my playlist and one in particular is called "The Perfect Country Song" by David Allen Coe. As a singer and musician, I enjoy most all types of music with the exception of (c)rap music. Even that style of music normally has a good beat and a great sound. My problem with hip hop music is that I'm so accustomed to conjugating my verbs, I find the lyrics hard to understand.

Nevertheless, I do enjoy most all music and I sing in English and Spanish. I have a tendency to follow a particular song when I like it and that's probably why my playlist is a bit eclectic.

David Allen Coe's song is obviously country music (which I was raised on) and a bit long, but if you have the chance to listen to the song, pay heed to the lyrics, because that's one of the reasons I enjoy it.

Author's Note: May 30; My pal, Joann wisely informed me that David Allen Coe's song in entitled "You Never Even Call Me By My Name" and not "The Perfect Contry Song." My bad! Thanks Joannn!

This Date In History: 1937; The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, California, opens. 1964; Jawaharlal Nehru, Indian nationalist leader, statesman, and first prime minister of independent India, dies. 1994; Nobel Prize-winning author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn returns to live in his native Russia after 20 years in exile. 1996; Russian President Boris Yeltsin signs a truce with Zelimkhan Yandarbiyev, leader of the breakaway state of Chechnya, although fighting continues on both sides.

Picture Of The Day: Since today's comments are a mixture of thoughts, I figured the pictures might as well follow the same line. I found some pictures in particular that I liked quite a bit, so I thought I would share them with you.

I'm fortunate to have several wonderful ladies in my life and if there ever was a theme tying them together, it's cocktails, especially martinis. Beginning with My Perfect Martini and my other ladies who shall remain nameless, these martini pictures are for you. In fact, these cocktails are for all the ladies.

Birthdays: Julia Ward Howe, author and reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontiersman, marksman, and law enforcement officer 1837, Isadora Duncan, dancer 1877, Rachel Carson, marine biologist and author 1907, Henry Kissinger, American scholar and Nobel laureate, statesman, Secretary of State under Presidents Richard M. Nixon and Gerald R. Ford 1923.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) At the bank yesterday, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward. 2) Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. 3) I recently checked out some of my high school pals on Facebook and most of them are old people. 4) Based on my lifetime experiences, I believe that anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 5) I've always wondered who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."

Of course, some of my special ladies don't drink so I always provide some of my special stock for them.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, then hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

Author's Note: My apologies for that last joke.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. The woman said, "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my balls."

A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong.

The cop said, "Man, we are in a crisis situation. President Obama is in the middle of the road, very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his political campaign and his lawyers. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire."

The Marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, "I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The Marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

That's it for today my little turnip greens. It's hump day and AREA 51 is my destination this evening. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Flying A Plane In A Thunderstorm Is Nature's Way Of Saying "Up Yours !"

I hate to fly! My reason, quite frankly, is that I don't like the idea of crashing. I don't like crowded airports, waiting in line, crying babies or long walks on the beach (Oops, sorry, that last one is from my dating profile). The one thing about traveling by car is that if you crash and don't die, you can crawl to the side of the road and lick your wounds. That particular remedy doesn't work at 30,000 feet.

I always arrive early for my flight because I don't like rushing around. The first problem I have is that I never know what to tip the skycap. Since I'm not rich, I don't like to over tip but by the same token, I also don't want to have my bags sent to Honolulu when I'm going to Las Vegas.

My pre-911 plans after check-in always entailed finding the nearest airport bar and fueling up while the plane was being fueled up. This flight procedure allows me the intestinal forward to proceed with boarding the plane and put up with the long, boring flight ending presumably in the self-conceived crash.

After 9-11, I had to amend my rules for flying. It was hard enough for me to fly before and now I have to scout the potential passengers on my flight before I can board it. Anyone whose speech sounds like he's gagging or clearing his throat becomes an automatic suspect. Some people may consider this profiling. I consider it self preservation. Anyone wearing sandals also becomes suspect unless the sandals are on a pale old man who's also wearing black sock.

Once on board the plane, it is very easy for me to find my seat. Using Murphy's Law, I know that I can automatically eliminate any vacant seat next to an attractive woman. Using the same logic, I begin to visually scour the plane for a vacant seat next to a woman with a crying infant or a young child screaming at his mother for water, candy or any other unattainable item.

My personal belief is that everyone flying with young children should be forced to sit together along with all of the non-stop talkers. Any child under five pounds should be Fed-Ex-ed to their destination.

If I am seated and the seat next to me is still vacant, I begin my prayer to Saint Johnny Walker Black, the patron saint of flyers who need to drink in order to fly. The prayer asks that the vacant seat next to me be filled with a beautiful girl from Rio De Janeiro. If the said Brazilian girl is with a small infant, then I pray that she is a breast feeder.

Once aloft, I purchase the entire stock of souvenir bottle of Johnny Walker Black for my flight. The amount of scotch I consume is in direct proportion to whoever is seated next to me. If I'm stuck next to a non-stop talker, I normally ask them to excuse me if I don't converse with them because it causes me to barf when I'm drinking. This ploy sometimes results in the talker requesting another seat which suits my purpose.

The remainder of my flight is normally spent in a blissful coma unless, of course, the girl from Rio needs assistance.......

Another Commercial: It's called Youthology and it's used to reduce wrinkles and bags around the eyes. The infomercial hypes a cream that supposedly only takes 90 seconds to work and lasts up to 8 hours. I went to the Internet and saw mixed reactions as to it's usefulness. My thoughts are that if it seems too good to be true, it probably doesn't work.

Truth be known, some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and works quite well. I tried preparation under my eyes once and it really does work. I quit using it though because it made me feel like an asshole.

This Date In History: 1787; The Constitutional Convention, presided over by George Washington, opens in Philadelphia to establish a new US Constitution. 1895; Oscar Wilde is convicted of sodomy and sentenced to two years of hard labor in prison. 1963; The Organization of African Unity is founded in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, with the goal of promoting continental peace and cooperation. 1977; The science fiction film Star Wars, directed by George Lucas, is released.

Picture Of The Day: Today is a day to take time out and remember our fallen soldiers. Memorial day is best observed by our thoughts and prayers for the gallant men and women of the armed forces, both past and present.

My father, my brother Kirt and myself have all served in the armed forces. My father served with the U.S. Coast Guard during World War Two, Brother Kirt served in Vietnam with the U.S. Army and I served in the U.S. Army as well.

Birthdays: Ralph Waldo Emerson, essayist and poet 1803, Bill "Bojangles" Robinson, tap dancer and entertainer 1878, Igor Sikorsky, aeronautical engineer and manufacturer 1889, Miles Davis, jazz trumpet player and bandleader 1926, Beverly Sills, opera singer 1929, Ian McKellen, actor 1939.

Printable Things I Never Told You:1)The only time I have worn boxer underwear was when I was in the Army. 2) I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized. 3) I have not been in a movie theater in thirty years mainly because of the availability of HBO, rental movies, unclean theaters and rude patrons. I also stopped for going because I feared I might have to cripple people who talk during the movie. 4) I'm already having nightmares about next season's American Idol. 5) I'd rather fight a bear than argue with a woman with PMS.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

A drunk goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks the drunk if he would like to play a game of darts. The bartender says three bull's-eyes wins a prize. The game costs a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart: A bull's-eye!

The drunk downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet and throws... Two bulls eyes! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go with the last dart. Three bulls eyes!

All are astounded. No one has ever won. The bartender searches for a prize. He grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks later, the drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, and he asks the drunk "Say, what did you win the last time?" The drunk responds "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll."

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

That's it for today my little tadpoles. Remember the men and women of our armed forces, both past and present, while you enjoy your Memorial Day festivities. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Television Commercial Done My Way !

Today's television commercials might be a little easier to swallow and possibly generate more revenue if they were made just a tad more believable. It seems that each day, another commercial comes on and at it's finish, you sit there saying to yourself, "Yeah...right! That'll probably happen!

One commercial in particular is the ad for Brinks Home Security. It depicts a young woman whose husband has just left the house and as she turns to do something in the dark house, an intruder breaks into the home. The woman screams loudly, the alarm goes off and the intruder bolts and runs into the night. Before she can even get to the phone, it begins to ring. Lo and behold, it's Brinks telling the woman that they've detected a break-in. The woman says someone broke into the house and Brinks responds by telling her they are notifying the police. Sign me up, guys!

What I imagine would happen differs slightly from the commercial and it goes like this........

Fade In: A woman is sitting in the family room watching a sitcom while drinking a glass of wine. She texts her husband for the fifth time in an hour asking him, "Where in the hell are you?" She finally receives a text from her husband stating that his business meeting is running longer than expected, but he expects to be finished soon.

After making several calls to the local bars to see if her husband is there, she goes to the kitchen for another glass of wine. In the interim, her phone rings and it's her mother-in-law asking what she is going to buy her husband for father's day. This reminds the woman that her twelve year old son has been very quiet in his room, suggesting that he is either building a bomb with his science lab kit or has discovered himself.

Returning to kitchen after checking on her son, she pours herself another glass of wine and notices that the frying pan on the stove would be a perfect adornment for her husband's head if and when he finally came home. Fuming, she sits down in her recliner, armed with the frying pan in one hand and her glass of wine in the other hand.

Suddenly, the sliding glass door opens and an intruder comes in. As he sees the woman get up and come toward him, he turns to run, ducking the flying frying pan that whizzes past his head breaking the sliding glass door. He escapes through the broken door and runs into the night.

The woman goes to the kitchen and grabs a butcher knife, thinking she'll take care of the intruder herself if he dares to return. She stops to pour herself another glass of wine and returns to the family room and waits to see if the intruder comes back.

She considers taking her new pair of handcuffs out to use on the intruder, but decides against it reasoning it would break up her sado-masochistic gift package she bought for her husband for father's day. She thinks, "What's a whip, black boots and a mask without handcuffs?" The woman falls asleep in the chair.....

She is awakened about an hour later when the phone rings. It's Brinks Home Security and the man on the line says, "Senorita, I tink sum one, they break ina you house...Is sumsing ron?"

Fade To Black........

It's a big auto racing weekend with the Indianapolis 500 and the Charlotte 600 scheduled for Sunday. The Indy race will be run Sunday afternoon and the Charlotte 600 will be run Sunday night. Both races should be great.

The recent publicity about "Cougars" amuses me as they have long existed, along with their male counterparts commonly known as lechers, since the beginning of time. As a young man, I always preferred the company of older women. So here's to you Mrs. Robinson, keep up the good work!

This Date In History: 1455; England's 30-year Wars of the Roses begin with King Henry VI's Lancastrian forces defeated by the Yorkists in the Battle of St Albans. 1939; German dictator Adolf Hitler and Italian dictator Benito Mussolini sign the "Pact of Steel", establishing a military alliance between their countries. 1972; Richard Nixon becomes the first US president to visit the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR).

Picture Of The Day: I need to really consider my daily subject matter and the difficulties finding pictures to compliment the stories. Today's thoughts were borne while watching the commercial and I thought it would be humorous to recreate my own story.

Finding suitable pictures, however, was a task in and of itself. It's too bad today's story wasn't about the women of Playboy magazine.

Birthdays: Richard Wagner, composer, conductor, and essayist 1813, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, British writer and doctor, famous as the creator of the most celebrated detective in the history of fiction, Sherlock Holmes 1859, Sir Laurence Olivier, actor, producer, and director 1907, Jean Tinguely, sculptor 1925.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I remember when I was married, my wife sometimes would not cook dinner because she couldn't find the can opener. 2) Been there, done that, can't remember most of it. 3) No one in my high school physical education class ever washed his sneakers. 4) I remember when you actually had to use both hands to eat a Burger King Whopper. 5) My special Mrs. Robinson was an author and writer.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

Leroy was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, Tyrone, sitting at his bed side. Leroy asked his brother how his wife was and Tyrone replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

Leroy thought to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" Tyrone replied, "I named the little girl Denise." Leroy, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" Tyrone replied, "Denephew."

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said, ''What are we going to do?'' 'Ben said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
That's it for today my little pedal pushers. I'm off to AREA 51 to see what's happening. Have a safe and great Memorial Day weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !

You Rang?

Well, I received my new 3G cell phone yesterday. It's an LG Vu and I have no idea how it works. It has television and Internet access, you can download Mp3 songs to it like an I-Pod and you can plug it into your computer to download music and photographs. So far, the only thing I can do is turn it on and make phone calls.

It has a touch screen and one of the first things that I did was accidentally call Bum%#!&, Egypt or some other godforsaken place. I don't even know anyone in Egypt. Every time I touched a help button, the stupid phone went online.

The main reason I got the new phone was that it has a larger screen, a better camera and takes longer videos. Since I have been with AT&T for over 20 years, I paid nothing for the phone and I got all the accessories free, as well. As I began assembling the phone, the first thing I noticed was that the car charger was not the correct one and later on it took me a number of attempts to explain and correct the problem with AT&T.

Instead of a manual, they sent me a CD to explain how to operate the phone. So I sat there yesterday, like a monkey humping a football, trying to figure out how to make the damned thing work. Logically, one should watch the CD completely and then work with the phone, but logic sometimes has a way interrupting the way I do things.

It dawned on me during yesterday's lesson in cell phone 101 that just about the time I master the use of my current phone, I get a new one and begin remembering all of my favorite curse words. My "old" phone works perfectly well and realistically, the only reason I got the new phone was for the camera.

Like everything else, I'll get the hang of it sooner or later and hopefully you'll at least see some better pictures of my exploits in AREA 51. We'll see.....

My other task today (besides possibly going to AREA 51) is to go get my new tag, which entails standing in line for an hour. It's a pleasure watching the tag agency employees gossip with each other as they do their job at a pace that makes a snail look like it's driving a corvette. I can't wait.......

If I haven't stopped by your journal lately, please forgive me. The past two weeks have been rather hurried and I hope to make my way around J-Land by the weekend.

This Date In History: 1506; Christopher Columbus dies in poverty in Spain. 1927; US aviator Charles Lindbergh takes off from New York in his single-engine aircraft Spirit of St. Louis heading to Paris, France. 1969; US and South Vietnamese troops capture Hamburger Hill after one of the bloodiest battles of the Vietnam War. 1980; In a referendum, the largely French-speaking province of Quebec votes to remain part of Canada.

Picture Of The Day: Cell phones (what else?) are today's theme and I had some problems finding anything remotely interesting. I do like the ones I was able to find and I hope you enjoy them as well.

Birthdays: Honoré de Balzac novelist 1799, John Stuart Mill, philosopher-economist 1806, James Stewart, American actor, born in Indiana, Pennsylvania, known for his distinctive drawl and endearing sincerity 1908, Moshe Dayan, Israeli general and statesman 1915.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've always wondered why psychics have to ask you for your name. 2) I abhor waiting in line.....any line! After my service with the U.S. Army, I swore I would never wait in line again and for the most part, I don't. 3) The new politically correct way to say he or she has "been around" is a "previously enjoyed companion." 4) Sister Jeanne used to have a horse named Rocky. While visiting the ranch one day, she let me take him for a ride. Rocky took me for a ride, wouldn't stop and tried to knock me off him by running under low hanging branches. When I was able to stop and dismount the horse, I left him standing right in his tracks and walked back. Sister Jeanne wasn't pleased but apologized saying, "I forgot to tell you that Rocky was jealous of other men." 5) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax,,,, Oh Crap...!" Then silence.

Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

The Captain forgets to switch off the intercom and the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Toronto?" The skipper says, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first."

That's it for today my little dewdrops. I'm not real sure if AREA 51 is in my plans for tonight as I'm still recovering somewhat from the weekend. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !