Monday, August 31, 2009

Sometimes When You Play With Fire You Get Burned

One of my favorite songs that I sing is called "Mack The Knife" which has been performed by the likes of Louis Armstrong, Bobby Darin and Frank Sinatra. Darin's recording was probably the rendition that made the song famous. The interesting part about this song was something I learned today from reading my own journal. Part of the lyrics are as follows:

Ahhhh, Jenny Diver, ho, Sukey Tawdry
Miss Lotte Lenya and old Lucy Brown
Oh the line forms on the right babe
Now that Macky's back in town.....

In every entry, I always include This Date In History because it's informative and interesting. As it so happens, in 1928, The Threepenny Opera premiered in Berlin and its star was Lotte Lenya. So many times I have sang this song, yet I never knew who Lotte Lenya was.

As it turns out, Lotte lenya was married to composer Kurt Weill, who wrote the song for her. Lotte Lenya sang the song in the musical. Other characters in the play included Macheath (Mackie Messor or Mack the knife), Jenny Diver and Lucy Brown. You can read more at the following link: The Threepenny Opera

On a different note, you may not be aware of the fact that in almost every journal entry I make, there are blatant and cryptic hellos to different people. Additionally, I often add a date in history that either never occurred or doesn't exist. It's just my little way of amusing myself and hopefully amuse the readers who pick up on it. So beware my little sleuths, one never knows if the written word has an ulterior motive or meaning.

My Friday trek to AREA 51 was a blast and I ran into several friends at happy hour. I met with my friend Hector and other denizens of AREA 51 including my pals Red Truck Man, Keith, Ginny, Dr. Saca Muela the dentist and a new friend, Dana. After happy hour, I went to Hector and Lourdes' house and we had drinks and laughed the night away. I made it home rather earlier sometime near 1:00 a.m.

This Date In History: 1867; Stricken by paralysis, poet Charles Baudelaire dies in Paris at the age of 46. 1888; The body of Mary Ann (or Polly) Nichols, the first of Jack the Ripper’s five “canonical” victims, is found in Whitechapel, London.

1928; Die Dreigroschenoper (The Threepenny Opera), a musical collaboration between dramatist Bertolt Brecht and composer Kurt Weill, starring Lotte Lenya, premieres in Berlin. 1962; Trinidad and Tobago gains its independence from Britain. 1997; Diana, Princess of Wales, is kiled in a car crash in Paris.

Picture Of The Day: I've seen fire and I've seen rain, to quote a lyric from the James Taylor song. It rarely rains in AREA 51 but there's always a chance of fire depending on the time of night. Nevertheless, I've gotten pretty good at playing with fire without getting burned, though I must admit that I've had my moustache and eyebrows singed once or twice.

There always seems to be that certain someone that makes one take a chance on playing with fire and I like to sit near the nearest fire extinguisher, just in case. As for today's pictures, I sure you've guessed that fire is the theme. My choice for picture of the day however is the lovely alien woman in the water. As Feliciano sang it, "Come on baby light my fire."

Birthdays: My pal, Pat, from across the pond. Happy Birthday Pat 19XX, Théophile Gautier, French poet, critic, and novelist 1811, Hermann von Helmholtz, German scientist 1821, Maria Montessori, Italian educator and doctor 1870, Dubose Heyward, American writer 1885, William Saroyan, American writer 1908, Itzhak Perlman, Israeli-American violinist 1945, Van Morrison, rock singer and songwriter 1945.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've tried many times, but I just can't make fried chicken like my mother and father used to make. 2) There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 3) There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 4) According to today's child protection laws, most of the parents in my neighborhood would have been serving time. Then again, if these laws had been in effect in those days, a lot of their sons and daughters would be serving time today. 5) I saw an interesting thought the other day and I like it. It suggests that you write the words "In God We Trust" on the reverse side of all envelopes that you mail, including bills. Let's see if the government can find a way to legislate and stop that.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young woman walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers,"I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." The young woman asks, "What's wrong with that?" Between his sobs, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. In the evening, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young woman puts her arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"The old man answers, "I forgot where I live."

That pesky little pop-up squirrel may have gotten too close to the fire.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person....to wire a head for a reservation!

That's it for today my little cowpokes. Remember, never kick a cow chip on a hot day. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 28, 2009

"I Enjoy Fine Dining, Long Romatic Walks On The Beach And....."

There are several dating services on the Internet and I'm sure they have their uses. I've never used a dating service, but I've read a few profiles and yesterday, I began to realize how funny some of them are. I'm not saying that all of the statements aren't true, but let's just say that, as in fishing trips, some of the fish seem to grow in size as the story is told.

The profile begins with the specifics: age, race, eye color, hair color, height, weight and, of course, the picture. This is normally where the...., let's call them, "adjustments" begin.

Age is usually a variable and depending on who one is looking for depends upon the choice of age. Hair color is unreliable because, as we know, "only the hair dresser knows." Height and weight are often "fudged" a bit and usually relatively predictable by the choice of description. The words "husky" or "buxom" come to mind.

Of course the mental picture that a man perceives is much like the sexy young woman in front of the mirror, but unfortunately, his match will probably look more like Rosie O'Donnell.

The picture is where the fun begins. Photographs, in and of themselves, can make one look much better than in person, depending on the photographer. Add the now popular "photoshop" and one's appearance can be greatly enhanced. Obviously, sooner or later the couple will have to meet face to face and then, the proof is in the proverbial pudding. The vision of the woman in the black sexy lingerie is quickly replaced by the vision of Rosie.

Ah, but now we get down to the nitty gritty and written words in a profile are tested. Here one learns that the phrase "long romantic walks on the beach" is defined by her as strolling arm and arm with one's intended paramour, where his is defined as carrying a rod and reel, tackle box and fresh bait on the way to the pier. Fine dining might mean a dimly lit romantic dinner or going through the drive through at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

One's status also enters into the equation. Recently widowed is ofttimes used. The best bet there would be to ascertain how many times the person was widowed and the causes of death. Separated is a highly suspect term, as well. To women, it means that the man is in a process of getting a divorce. To a man, it could mean his wife is in Chicago and he's in L.A. on a business trip.

The Cat's Ass Trophy (CAT Award): My pal, Senorita, mentioned in her comment on Friday the she missed seeing the CAT Award. I realized that I have been remiss in not periodically including it in my entries. So, let's think about some nominees and we'll accept nominations until Thursday, September the 3rd and the winner(s) will be announced next Friday.

This Date In History: 1850; Composer and pianist Franz Liszt conducts the premiere of Richard Wagner's opera Lohengrin in Weimar, Germany. 1914; In the Battle of Helgoland Bight, the first naval engagement of World War I, the Royal Navy inflicts a significant defeat on the German navy.

1947; The great Spanish bullfighter, Manolete, is killed in the ring following a goring by a bull in Linares. 1963; Civil Rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr. leads the historic March on Washington, where he delivers his famous “I Have a Dream” speech.

Picture Of The Day: Barbie's 50 years old now and even the most sexiest woman has to face "Father Time" sooner or later. This is also true of the most virulent male and Barbie's boyfriend Ken is in the other room in his underwear, drinking a beer, and watching Monday Night Football.

Birthdays: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet, dramatist, novelist, and scientist 1749, St Elizabeth Ann Seton, American educator and philanthropist 1774, Edward Burne-Jones, painter, designer, and illustrator 1833, John Betjeman, poet 1906 Rita Dove, American poet and novelist 1952.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can't believe that CNN, in another "breaking news story" announced again today that Michael Jackson's death has been ruled a homicide. 2) My friend told his girlfriend the truth. He told her he was seeing a psychiatrist. She told him the truth. She said she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender 3) One of my rules of life is to keep skunks, politicians and lawyers at a distance. 4) You know the economy is really bad when you have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment. 5) A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The staff wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some staff members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the staff members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Breaking News: Jimmy's Journal, through unnamed private sources, has learned that Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson are not dead! They are living together in a trailer in New Orleans.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor, my pal Garnett and my pals Espi and Cesar for their contributions to today's stories.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. The lady said, "I'm on the 7th hole she and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'' She replied, "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh." 'The man said, "No, I won't." She answered, "Well, if you must know, I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool. She said, "See,' I knew you'd laugh!'' The man said, "That's not what I'm laughing at. I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'' The man said, I see. Whose clock is that?'' St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''

The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''

The man then asked, "Where's President Obama 's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember to refrain from talking to characters on the movie screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. I'm going to meet my pal Hector in AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Senator Edward Kennedy Dies At Age 77

Edward Kennedy succumbed to brain cancer last evening and the nation mourns a dedicated public servant. The entire Kennedy family has suffered tragic losses over the years and my deepest sympathies go out to them. Although I was not a fan of Edward Kennedy, I deeply admired his brothers, John and Bobby.

Mr. Kennedy lost my admiration with the still unexplained death of Mary Jo Kopechne on July 18, 1969 on Chappaquiddick Island. His abandonment of long time friend and democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, in favor of a dubious, upstart junior senator with questionable experience, only furthered my disappointment is his views and character. Nevertheless, Kennedy was a champion of the oppressed and worked diligently for 41 years in the United States Senate. Edward Kennedy was 77 years old.

Senator Kennedy's death has altered today's entry a bit as my original entry was to focus on the national media's non-stop barrage of sensationalism with an obvious eye on the bottom line and a blind eye toward the art of journalism. I'm sure the next few days will be filled with media reports about the life and death of Ted Kennedy and deservedly so.

Michael Jackson's death has been classified as a homicide. You might be curious as to how I know about this "breaking news." I'm aware of this because every media source in the country has been telling me, non-stop, for the last three days, ad nauseum.

The term "breaking news" according to my knowledge of the English language, is defined as something that has occurred on that particular day or within the last 24 hours. After that time frame, it should be referred to as "sensationalized shit we're going to tell you again and again because we're making a ton of money from the story."

Brazenly, the media continues to do this with every useless piece of trash that will titillate the ever-consuming appetite of the hard of understanding. I appreciate the fact that there are some worthy stories that would require lingering reporting and commentary, but the escapades and destinies of such people as Anna Nicole Smith, Angelina Jolie and other "stars" can be consumed and disposed of within the first 24 hours. If one's intellectual needs require more information, one can always read the absolute truth in The National Enquirer, TMZ or the other gossip rags.

I'm not saying that all the news media and magazines are rags, create their own stories to sensationalize and then rake in money of the gullible. There are certain magazines like Pet Fancy and Player that are well respected and truthful and would never stoop to frivolous issues of print.

The Bottom line? When the media's only thoughts are for ratings and the almighty dollar, the quality of the news will suffer. The media should focus more attention to stories of importance and a little less time to the gravy train stories. These types of stories will continue to come to light and the media will always make money from them. My only request is that they quit beating a dead horse after a day or two. Then again, that's like asking a pig not to wallow in the mud. It's just part of their make-up.

A thirteen year old boy was killed in Miami Wednesday after he was struck by a SUV. The teenager was driving a go-kart illegally on city streets and drove in front of the oncoming truck. The driver of the SUV, visibly shaken, was not charged in the accident. When questioned by reporters at the scene, some friends and family members expressed the desire to see the driver of the SUV prosecuted, but police determined it was the boy's fault.

The persons who actually contributed to the boys death are, sadly, his parents. There are too many cases of parents who allow their children to wildly drive go-karts, motorbikes and other off-road recreational vehicles unsupervised and on city streets. Perhaps this incident and countless other similar tragic accidents will awaken and open the eyes of other parents whose children have these types of vehicles.

This Date In History: 1839; A US warship seizes the Amistad, a Spanish vessel anchored off Long Island, New York, finding that the African slaves on board have revolted against their captors and taken control. 1346; The Battle of Crécy sees a decisive victory for an English army, led by Edward III, over a French army, led by Philip VI, at the outset of the Hundred Years' War.

1883; The small volcanic island of Krakatau, in the Sunda Strait, between Java and Sumatra, begins its cataclysmic eruption, killing tens of thousands. 1978; Cardinal Albino Luciani is elected Pope John Paul I, but after 34 days in office he dies of a heart attack.

1920; Eight days after the ratification of the 19th Amendment to the Constitution of the United States, American women win the right to vote. 1789; The Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen is adopted by the National Assembly of France at the outset of the French Revolution.

Picture Of The Day: That little squirrel that has been popping up all over the Internet decided to get his own camera so that he could take a picture of himself without everyone bitching about his being in their pictures.

I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the pictures of the other magazine personalities in today's entry, namely my cat, Possum, and myself. This little feat is made possible by a site called Mag My Pic and is free of charge. It's fun to do and I'm sure you can have plenty of fun with it. Here's the link http://www.magmypic.com/

Birthdays: Robert Walpole, British statesman, commonly regarded as Britain's first prime minister (1721-1742) 1676, Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, French chemist 1743, Prince Albert, consort of Queen Victoria 1819, Lee De Forest, American pioneer of radio communication 1873, John Buchan, writer and statesman 1875, Guillaume Apollinaire, French poet and novelist 1880, Christopher Isherwood, Anglo-American writer 1904, Geraldine Ferraro, American politician 1935.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A lady friend of mine had her boobs measured and fitted for a new bra. Now she calls them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're "up where they belong." 2) I made a plan to resolve one of my worst senior citizen moments. It seems that every time I go to the kitchen, I can't remember what I wanted. So, I wrote a note and put it in my pocket. A week later, I put on the same pair of pants and found a note that said, "Don't forget your beer." 3) The Law of Mechanical Repair states that after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 4) Cash for Clunkers has ended, but they’re coming out with a new Cash for Clunkers program that will give consumers a rebate when they trade-in old home appliances. This is great news for anyone who owns a Buick toaster oven. 5) In case you missed it, I direct your attention to the above picture of The National Inquirer magazine. Look in the bottom left corner and read my little photoshopped entry......and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No!" So the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. The end.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Linda for their contributions to today's entry.

The definition of and logic behind Obamacare: A health care plan being shoved down our throats that is written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it but exempts themselves from it, signed by a president that also hasn't read it, and who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and delightedly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's a planet and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance." Michael said, "Balance? I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe will be for artisans, craftsmen, philosophers and thinkers.

Over here, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

Two elderly gentlemen, George and Harry, were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, Harry said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?" George says, "I think she's dead." Harry says, "What do you mean, you think she dead?" George says, "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

That's it for today my little nanny goats. Remember that it's It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Today's Hump Day and a damned good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Monday, August 24, 2009

How Can I Function Without Batteries?

Sunday morning, I walked out to my car to get something I had left in the trunk a few days earlier. When I clicked the remote trunk opener on my key chain, the trunk didn't open. After a few more clicks, I realized that the battery was dead in my remote car opener. The funny thing was that I stood there for a minute or two trying to figure out how I would open my trunk before I realized I could simply use the trunk key.

I like electronic gadgets and the new technology, but the incident on Sunday reminded me of how much we rely on things that previously required nothing more than a physical action or even more taxing, committing a word or number to memory.

Cell phones, for example, have made it easier for just about anything you'd like to do. Moreover, they have combined a number different apparati into one simple piece of electronics. Aside from making phone calls, you can take a picture, play a song, check your bank account and pay a bill, conveniently from home or anywhere you choose. That is, of course......unless your battery fails.

Take away a person's cell phone and that person cannot call his family of friends because he doesn't know the phone number. That same person will fail to timely make his appointment because he can't check his cell phone calendar. It wouldn't have mattered anyway as he was relying on his Blackberry GPS to show him how to get there.

Even without a GPS system, most married men rarely get lost because they are constantly reminded by their wives to stop and ask for directions.

Why has the national media not reported more on the grizzly slayings of Hugh Christopher Newsom, age 23 and Channon Gail Christian, age 21, both students at the University of Tennessee? Type either of these names into your browser and read what happened to these young people. Then, you tell me why no major news organization or television station has anything to say! Or, just watch the following video.

Headline News From The Year 2030: Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

In Other News: Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba..... Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut..... Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States..... Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays......

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative..... Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights..... New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2031..... IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent...... Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

This Date In History: AD 79; The Roman city of Pompeii is destroyed and buried for more than 1,500 years by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. 1572; Charles IX, under the influence of his mother, Catherine de Médicis, order the killing of thousands of French Huguenots in Paris in the St Bartholomew’s Day.

1814; During the War of 1812, British forces invade Washington, D.C., where they set fire to the Capitol and the White House. 1821; The Treaty of Córdoba is signed, granting Mexico independence from Spain.

1940; Howard Florey and Ernst Chain announce in The Lancet that they have developed penicillin for general clinical use as an antibiotic. 1992; Hurricane Andrew devastates southern Florida, killing more than 50 people.

Picture Of The Day: I loved this picture the moment I saw it and when you think about it, it goes well with the picture of the Obamas (above). Simply stated, the picture visually states that "no man is an island."

That crazy squirrel showed up again just as the Obamas were taking a stroll in the woods. I wonder if the squirrel's a democrat just frolicking with the first family or a republican eating the pieces of bread that Obama is dropping along the way so that he can find his way out of the political woods.

The feature picture shows Hillary dressed with what seems to be an agenda. I wonder if she's thinking about getting even with Bill or thinking about the line of succession to the presidency?

On another note, I think you'll like the picture of MJ and his doctor entitled "The Man In The Mirror."

Birthdays: Max Beerbohm, essayist, critic, and caricaturist 1872, Jorge Luis Borges, Argentine writer 1899, Graham Sutherland, modernist painter 1903, René Lévesque, Canadian statesman 1922.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can't begin to tell you how happy I am that school has finally started. 2) Sometimes, when I think things could not be worse, I console myself with the knowledge that I'm not married to Nancy Pelosi 3) I never take a beer to a job interview. 4) Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 5) If you're old enough to remember the TV show "Leave It To Beaver" you'll find the pictures of (left to right) Eddie Haskell, The Beaver and his brother Wally" interesting.....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, the other day a retired man went into town and went into a shop. He were only in there for about 5 minutes. When he came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. He went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

The ignored him and continued writing the ticket. The man called him a Fascist bastard. The cop glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So the retiree called him called him an asshole. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the retired man insulted the cop, the more tickets he wrote.

The cop finally left and another man who had witnessed the incident asked, "You sure made that cop angry. Aren't you concerned about the coasts of all those tickets?" The retired said, "I don't care. I came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Frances and my pal Garnett for their contributions to today's entry.

Do you know what was happening back in 1850? California became a state.The people had no electricity.The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch swing talking about the good old days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" Pa raises up and says," Git my gun, Ma!" She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim and fires...boom! boom! boom!

The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa," Pa says, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

That's it for today my little rug rats. Remember that any man can have the body of a 25-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday, August 21, 2009

In The News - Some True, Some Not So True

Scotland's decision to release Abdel Baset al-Megrahi, the asshole convicted for the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie is reprehensible and outrageous. The convicted terrorist, along with others never apprehended, ended the lives of 270 people in the explosion.

Al-Megrahi was convicted in 2001 of taking part in the bombing on Dec. 21, 1988, and sentenced to life in prison. The airliner exploded over Scotland and all 259 people aboard and 11 on the ground died when it crashed into the town of Lockerbie.

He was sentenced to serve a minimum of 27 years in a Scottish prison for Britain's deadliest terrorist attack. But a 2007 review of his case found grounds for an appeal of his conviction, and many in Britain believe he is innocent

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi lobbied hard for the return of al-Megrahi, an issue which took on an added sense of urgency when al-Megrahi was diagnosed with prostate cancer last year. He was recently given only months to live.

At the military airport in Tripoli, where al-Megrahi's plane touched down, thousands of youths were on hand to warmly greet him. He left the plane wearing a dark suit and a tie and accompanied by Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi's son, Saif al-Islam Gadhafi.

Barack Obama, in a no-balls, no-guts statement, said the Scottish decision to free terminally ill Abdel Baset al-Megrahi on compassionate grounds was a mistake and said he should be under house arrest. Obama warned Libya not to give him a hero's welcome. What he should have done was to condemn Scotland's dastardly decision and make it perfectly clear to Libya that there would be dire ramifications if they treated al-Megrahi like a returning hero. But Obama, like most of his teleprompted speeches and statements, typically chose a middle of the road, make me look good, reaction.

My question is how do we know that al-Megrahi could not have surgery that would allow him to live longer? How do we know that he could not undergo chemotherapy and radiation treatments which might allow him to regain enough strength to go out as a hero and martyr and kill more innocent people of the world?

In Other News: The Afghanistan elections are being held now and preliminary results are in — Al Franken is ahead, but there are already reports of irregularities in Florida.

Paper money contains high traces of cocaine, regardless of whether or not the paper money came into direct contact with the drug. The U.S. bills take the top spot, covered in the greatest amount of the illegal powder, while Spanish notes are the most highly contaminated in Europe.

I wonder which bills contain the most cocaine? I doubt if it's hundred dollar bills...that's what they pay with and probably use the singles for the coke. This thought, in turn, makes me wonder if these are the same singles they use to put in various parts of stripper's attire. Do I smell a conflict?

Cop fired after waitress poses with rifle on car. A Texas sheriff fired one deputy and suspended three others without pay after a scantily dressed waitress holding a rifle posed for photographs on the hood of a patrol vehicle. Police said Round Rock officers were dispatched to a restaurant after someone reported the waitress with the weapon, which had been given to her by a Midland County deputy.

The incident occurred last week in the parking lot of a Twin Peaks restaurant, which promotes its "fun, friendly and sometimes flirty atmosphere!". I wonder where they got the idea to name the restaurant "Twin Peaks"?

Divorced Texas man complies with court order to return truck to ex-wife. Bubba Johnson's divorce was final yesterday, and in the divorce settlement his wife was awarded the double-wide mobile home and his pickup truck. So, as per the Dallas court order, Bubba delivered the truck to her yesterday. Bubba left his ex-wife a note on the windshield that read: If you need to get hold of me, I'll be staying with my folks until I can find me a place.

This Date In History: 1808; A British army led by the future Duke of Wellington defeats a French army at the Battle of Vimiero, the first major battle of the Peninsular War. 1911; The Mona Lisa, by Leonardo da Vinci, is stolen from the Louvre Museum, in Paris, and remains un-recovered for two years. 1959 Hawaii becomes the 50th state of the United States.

1961; Kenyan nationalist Jomo Kenyatta is released by the British colonial government after having spent nine years in prison for involvement in the Mau-Mau Rebellion. 1983; Philippine opposition leader Benigno Aquino is assassinated by allies of President Ferdinand Marcos as he steps off an aeroplane in Manila to end his three-year exile from the Philippines.

Picture Of The Day: I'm not too happy with the Scottish government right now but I tried to tone down my anger after I blew off some steam over the release of the Lybian terrorist.

I found this picture of the theoretically perfect public toilet and, one hand, it struck me as funny. On the other hand, I thought how nice it would be to actually find a clean public restroom any where.


Birthdays: Philip II, king of France 1165, William IV, king of Great Britain and Ireland 1765, Jules Michelet, French historian and moralist 1798, Count Basie, American jazz pianist and bandleader 1904, Princess Margaret, younger sister of Elizabeth II 1930, Peter Weir, Australian film director 1944.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 2) My pinky toes are absolutely useless. I often wonder why there were included in the package of toes other than to serve as a bumper stop for the rest of the toes. The pinky toe's only real use is to find that part of the doorway that makes you scream in pain. 3) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4) I recall one day leaving the grocery store with my wife and the cashier ran out with a new broom that was left behind by one of the shoppers. The cashier said to my wife, "Excuse me ma'am, did you forget your broom?" I said, "Thanks miss, but she came by car." It wasn't that bad sleeping on the couch that evening. 5).The United States border patrol reports that more and more illegal aliens are crossing the U.S.-Mexico border simply by driving through border checks posing as families visting relatives in America. Border patrol agents are now seaching all older cars more carefully as pictured below....and that's five !

The AREA51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Cash For Clunkers: If your body was a car, you would qualify for the clunker program if: 1) You have bumps, dents and scratches. 2) Your headlights are out of focus and it's hard to see things up close. 3) Your traction is not as good as it once was. You slip, slide and bump into things even in the best of weather. 4) It takes you hours to get up to your maximum speed. 5) Every time you cough or sneeze, either your radiator leaks or your exhaust backfires.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt, my pal Garnett, and my pal Kay for their contributions to today's entry.

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because it would be a sign that he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos! As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off his weenie, clattered across the ground, and came to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.......and all the other bells started to ring.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk says, "No, I did not Reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Here's a thought and a follow-up letter on how to deal with tax increases and change.....

Dear Employees:

As the President of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama is the President and that our taxes and government fees have increased in a big way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change, I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

THE BOSS

That's it for today my little lily pads. Remember that people who drive like hell are bound to get there. It's Friday and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour and see my pals. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !