Friday, April 15, 2011

Can I Consider The AREA 51 Bar A Tax Shelter?

It's income tax time again. To quote Dave Barry, it's time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me no matter how much beer I drink. I've just about finished gathering all my documentation. There are a few that are still wet because it rained last night in the dumpster where I was getting my receipts.

Last night, I was having trouble understanding part of the IRS Tax Code and, thanks to computerized electronics, I was placed on hold for a matter of several hours before finally being connected to crack IRS agent dispensing tax advice that was statistically no more likely to be correct than if I asked Buster the Wonder Horse to indicate the answer by stomping it in the dirt.

Working on my taxes, I've come to realize that taxation with representation isn't so hot either. To make matters worse, I'm also suffering from back problems, namely back taxes, back rent and back auto payments. It occurs to me that the only difference between the Internal Revenue Service and a mugger is that while they both take your money, the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms.

My main concern is being called in for an audit. A friend of mine was called in and the IRS agent said, "It says here that you are a bachelor, yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." My friend looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yep, it surely was."

As I sit here struggling with my tax return, I'll leave you with a few notable quotes:

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)

I have always paid income tax: I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday. - Noel Coward

What this country needs is a really good five-cent cigar." - Thomas Riley Marshall (VP of the USA 1913-1921)

There are plenty of good five cent cigars in this country. The problem is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. - W.C. Fields response to above quote.

The News As I See It President Obozo called on Americans to have more grandchildren, probably so there’s more of them to pay off our debt. Obozo laid out his plan to reduce the $14 trillion national debt. Unfortunately for Sasha and Malia, it involves selling a lot of girl scout cookies.

Vice President Joe O'Biden fell asleep during Obozo’s speech. He has now been named an honorary air traffic controller. I think I might start calling him Joe Van Winkle.

A meeting between Justin Bieber and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu has been canceled. No word yet on how this will affect the meeting between Selena Gomez and Hezbollah.

Jennifer Lopez was chosen as the world’s most beautiful woman by People magazine. I agree, but then again, anybody looks good when they’re sitting next to Steven Tyler.

Barack and Michelle Obozo will appear on Oprah’s show soon. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump’s hair will be making an appearance on Animal Planet.

Charlie Sheen says he wants his old job back on "Two and a Half Men." Thank God he didn’t burn any bridges.

Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech. The air traffic controllers are sleeping, the TSA is groping you, and the pilots are drunk. Who would have thought the most reliable workers at the airport would be the baggage handlers?

This Date In History: 1755; Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language. 1817; Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet opened the first free American school for the deaf in Hartford, Conn. 1861; In response to the attack on Fort Sumter three days earlier, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.

1912; Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland on its maiden voyage after it struck an iceberg. 1920; A paymaster and guard were murdered in Braintree, Mass. Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the crime. 1945; Nazi concentration camp Bergen-Belsen was liberated by Canadian and British forces.

1947; Jackie Robinson made his Brooklyn Dodger debut and scored the game-winning run. On April 15, 1997, his number, 42, was retired. 1955; Ray Kroc acquired McDonald's and opened his first restaurant in Des Plaines, Ill., today the official McDonald’s Corporate Museum. 1996; The 100th Boston Marathon was won by Moses Tanui of Kenya. 1998; Cambodian despot Pol Pot, leader of the Khmer Rouge, died.

Picture Of The Day: As you have probably surmised, today's theme is a tribute to the Infernal Revenue Service, an organization that I've paid quite a bit of money over many mango seasons. Today's picture of the day says it all.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? 2) At my bank, I'm not just a number - I'm two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number. 3) IRS: Be Audit You Can Be! 4) After the first of next year, I will start using my Muslim name...Seldom Bin Laid. 5) First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - April 15th: Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly lose the ability to brake while driving straight towards your house. Although it may be true that you are being hunted down by pirates, you may wish to avoid using the name "Long John Silver".

Love will come your way if you let it. If you don't, it'll hit you over the head and run away really fast. A report of startling significance will land on a desk near you over the coming week. This report will tell you everything you need to know about the feelings of another and will help you understand the restraining order.

Birthdays: My pal Paula W - Happy Birthday Baby! 19XX, Leonardo da Vinci, Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer, and scientist 1452, Henry James, novelist 1843, A. Philip Randolph, labor leader 1889, Bessie Smith, singer 1894, Evelyn Ashford, athlete 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them. Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

The broker wondered, "Why would you say that?" wondered the broker. The IRS agent said, "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand. He pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

The genie says, "Well kid, you know how it works. You have three wishes." The man says,"I'm not falling for this. I'm not going to trust an IRS agent." The genie says, "You might as well do it, looks like your a goner anyway." The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

Poof!The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie says, "OK, kid, what's your second wish." The man says, "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

Poof! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie says, "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." Poof! He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carson, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the United States. As a citizen, you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, replied, "Great! I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

That's it fpr today my little piccolo players. Friday means AREA 51 and happy hour. Maybe I can console some poor lass who just filed her taxes. Have a super weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


garnett109 said...

Lmao Mr. Seldom Bin Laid

Rose said...

Of course you can consider Your Area 51 Bar a Tax Shelter!


Hugs, Rose

Missy said...

Tax time is always a pain in the azz.


Julie said...

only you could make tax time funny. loved them all.