Friday, April 22, 2011

A Mouse! A Mouse! My Kingdom For A Mouse!

Well, it happened! There I was, late Wednesday night, trusty mouse at the ready, single-handedly resolving major problems around the world, when, click..... nothing happened. Huh? Click! Click? Nothing.... nada.... nico.... nyet .....kaput! Damn it!

I thought, "Oh well, I guess I have to go buy another mouse tomorrow at Best Buy or Office Depot. Let me check the prices there......" Click..... "Oh yeah, the mouse is broken. No problem, I'm sure both stores have mice."

I said to myself, "I wonder what a mouse costs? It can't be that much. Let me check Best Buy......" Click.... "The mouse is broken dummy! Okay, let me get a cup of coffee and think this out."

I went to the kitchen, poured a cup of coffee and returned to the computer desk to plan my trip to buy the mouse. I thought, "I'd better check my finances to make sure I've got money in the bank. I'll check my bank balance." Click....

I was beginning to get that same stupid feeling one gets when the electricity goes off in the house. You find a flashlight, light some candles and every room you walk into, flashlight in hand, you reach over and flip the light switch. Hello....! The lights are out ! Duh, hello....! Your mouse is broken....!

I finally realized that I could check prices at the stores by using my Blackberry. Now if I can just get the font large enough so that I can read it.....

The News As I See It: Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. People are responding to his straight-forward honesty and tough talk. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One.

The governor of Hawaii said he first met President Obozo just days after he was born. He knew it was Obozo because he kept pointing to his diaper and calling for "change."

The cast of "JerseyShore" must behave themselves while filming in Italy. So instead of getting blackout drunk and going home to make a sandwich, they’ll be getting blackout drunk and going home to make a Panini.

President Obozo Is in Los Angeles for a fundraiser and huge traffic delays are expected all over Los Angeles. Tomorrow, Obozo will be on the East Coast...and huge traffic delays are expected in Los Angeles.

Donald Trump said he'd release his personal tax returns if Obama shows his birth certificate, which is probably the first you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine in a presidential campaign since President Clinton.

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid (Some sources say April 23). 1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.

1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed. 1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.

Picture Of The Day: I thought post some Easter pictures today and I especially like the one below. Happy Easter!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hope I'm the last guy on earth - I wanna see if all those women were lying to me. 2) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 3) I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Taurus and she's a Bitch. 4) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 5) If it's true that God is always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 22nd: Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Destiny might play with your mind though and take you to a pet store. Love is a wonderful thing that can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote so you might as well quit, go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.You may find love in unexpected places, however, it is equally likely that you'll find love on Ebay. There's a great sale on shoes, though.

Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old sailor was out walking on the dock one day when he met a former ship mate of his. They had not seen each other for many years and had many old memories to renew. After some time, the ship mate said to the old sailor, "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look very good. You must have experienced some bad luck. How did you lose your leg." The old sailor said, "Well, one day I was out on deck and my leg become tangled up in a loose line and it was so badly mangled that they had to take it off at the knee. Now I have this wooden leg."

His friend agreed that was bad luck. He asked, "So, what's with the hook? How did you lose your hand?" The old sailor said, "I was out on deck when a shipmate of mine fell overboard. I leaned over as far as I could in a attempt to rescue him and as I extended my hand to him a shark took my hand off."

The ship mate said, "Man, you really did experience bad luck. I see you have a patch over one eye, What happened to your eye?" The old sailor said, "Well, I was out on deck again one day and just as I looked up, a seagull that was flying over, unloaded, and got me right in the eye." The ship mate said, "Wow and that took your eye out? The old sailor said, "No, that was my first day with the hook."

A woman was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin. Out came a card that said. "You weigh 135 pounds and in 30 seconds you will pass gas." Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind.

Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read, "You still weigh 135 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be kissed and fondled by a man." Again, after 30 seconds, an old boyfriend happened to pass by. When he stopped to say hello, he kissed and gently fondled her.

Afterward, red faced and fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She went back to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "You still weigh 135 pounds and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Wally and Emilio for their contributions to today's stories.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a old heavyset woman moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the woman walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Two elderly women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done, when in walked a young chick with a low-cut blouse that revealed a beautiful rose tattooed on one boob. One woman leaned over to the other and said, "Poor thing. She doesn't know it, but in 50 years she'll have a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket."

Some women were gathered and the subject of conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

The others ask, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The third woman says, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

That's it for today, my little peeps. Remember, it's been said that four out of five people suffer from diarrhea. I'm thinking I don't really want to meet that one that enjoys it. Methinks it's a good Friday for happy hour in AREA 51. Have a Happy Easter and a great weekend. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy thanks as always for the smiles ~ Have a wonderful Easter ~ Ally x

Jackie said...

All the pictures were great, but I gotta say, I really liked the PeePs Cake that looks llke a sunflower. :) The one w/ Donald firing Obama was the best!!

Love ya!