Monday, April 18, 2011

They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

I don't enjoy movies the way I used to, mainly because of Hollywood's obsession with computer graphics and decent scripts. Every action movie seems to be filled with scenes so unbelievable that, although spectacular, insult my intelligence. Fight scenes, for example, almost always portray the "hero" successfully defending himself against a throng of opponents, using various spins, kicks and jumps to elude his and defeat his opponents.

Although I'm not a veteran of many bar fights, I can assure that one decent size man can put a can of whoop ass on anyone and if he's got three or friends helping him, the only spinning and jumping that will help is to spin your ass off the bar stool, jump into your car and get the hell out of there.

As for war movies and gun fights, chances are that when someone has an UZI and is spraying rounds at you, your little handgun is of little or no use. One particular movie that comes to mind is Rambo II, starring the "super hero" (5 ft 7 in) Sylvester Stallone.

One scene shows our hero "Rambo" (Stallone) running across a rice paddy while being pursued by a helicopter gunship firing machine gun rounds. I don't know how many rice paddies you've sprinted across but, if you've ever tried to run in ankle deep water before, you realize that chances of evading a pursuing helicopter gunship (and living) is highly improbable.

My movie genre preferences are drama, comedy or a whodunit. Some of my favorite movies are "The Godfather" "The Godfather II", "Gone With The Wind" and "The Usual Suspects". There are many more high quality movies, too numerous to list, that I have also enjoyed. Lastly, my rule of thumb for selecting a movie to watch is to eliminated any movie starring Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Scharzenagger, Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris. But that's just me.....

The News As I See It: There’s a new cell phone app that will do your taxes for you. Are you kidding, I don’t trust my cell phone to make a phone call, much less fill out a form that, if incorrect, could send me to prison.

An air traffic controller in Reno allegedly fell asleep while a medical flight carrying an ill passenger was trying to land. Ironically, the patient was suffering from insomnia. What are the odds?

Donald Trump said, "I am Obama’s worst nightmare." Really? Worse than Oprah hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom in a string bikini?

If you stacked the 14 trillion dollar federal deficit in one dollar bills on top of each other at the Arizona-Mexico border, the stack would almost definitely fall over and kill 1,000 illegal aliens, thus reducing the deficit by ten million dollars.

Mitt Romney will run for president. He announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. That sound like something every man should have done after age 50.

Michele Bachmann referred to Planned Parenthood as the LensCrafters of abortion. Then it got worse when she referred to Massachusetts as the Sunglass Hut of gay marriage.

The deadline for taxes is today at 12 midnight, so you have about three hours to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.

Pictures: A few of the movie posters of some of my favorite movies is the theme for today. Probably one of the most lavish pictures was "Gone With The Wind" which, when shown in theaters back in the day, had an intermission halfway through due to its' length.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Karate is a form of martial arts in which people trained for years and years, using only their hands and feet, to make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. 2) I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice really chilled her mood. 3) A report said that Osama Bin Laden is hiding where no one else ever goes. Police are searching all movie theaters that are showing the newest Sylvester Stallone movie. 4) I believe you should live each day as if it were your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry. I mean, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of his life? 5) It's easy to get some lumber, nails and a saw to try to build something. Anybody can do that. But what's hard to do is taking a nap while someone is hammering and sawing.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: Don't stray too far from the bathroom today. The feeling in the pit of your stomach is going to explode at noon or sometime afterwards. Employee of the month award carries the penalty of ridicule. You won't be hospitalized today, but things may not go as planned. When asked to perform in a successful jazz band, consider all your options before accepting. Prognostication is not a good word when you are guessing the true color of a lady's hair.

Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair. The best things in life are free, including back massages and sex. However, since it is impossible to legally pay for both of these things, one wonders whether attempting to make arrangements for these experiences is a good idea while grocery shopping.

TheAREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom and pee on the side of the toilet to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, "Who's Horny?" and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

An illegal alien, President Obama and a southern boy were walking together on a beach when the illegal alien stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it and a Genie appeared and said, "I can only grant 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the illegal alien, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The illegal alien said, "I weesh for enough Chebby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland." Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

Obama studied for a moment, then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland." Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

Turning to the southern boy, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"The southern boy watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing off into the sunset and said,"Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Skip, Victor and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the man that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You gonna try again."

That's it for today my little puddin' pops. Remember, children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word everything you shouldn't have said. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Rose said...

Love you new "Health Tip". What a savings in medical exams!

I agree, they certainly don't make movies like they used to anymore.

Hugs, Rose

natalie said...

Dear JImmy, hugs! Yu know you picked some of my very favorites!
Lol! I loved that comment about the spins and kicks! very astute!
You've affirmed what I thought about you roll with whatever is going !
natalie Lurkynat
p.s. come visit!

Julie said...

We just saw The Lincoln Lawyer, pretty good. I also hate the special effects, so fake. Not many movies worth seeing lately. Loved all the jokes as usual.