Monday, April 25, 2011

My Pal Wally Bravely Averts An Easter Tragedy

My pal Wally was alert and kind enough to let me know that there was almost an unspeakable tragedy on Easter Sunday. It seems that Wally was driving along a highway near his home and saw a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped right in front of his ATV.

Wally is a sensitive man as well as an animal lover. He pulled over and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was the Easter Bunny and he was dead. Wally felt so so badly that he began to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman was driving down the road saw Wally crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She got out of the car and asked Wally what was wrong. Wally said, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and killed him." The blonde said, "Don't worry, Wally."

She ran to her car and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bent down, and sprayed the contents on him. The Easter Bunny jumped up, waved a paw at them and hopped off down the road. Ten feet away he stopped, turned around and waved again. Then he hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned and waved again, repeating this behaviour until he hopped out of sight.

Wally was astonished. He walked over to the woman and asked, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The blonde turned the can around so that Wally could read the label. It said, "Hare Spray. Restores life to dead hare and adds a permanent wave."

And so my friends, if your Easter Sunday was a happy event and everyone enjoyed their Easter eggs and candy, you can thank my pal Wally. Personally, I would have grabbed that can and sprayed a little inside my pants. Hell, it restores life and I can live with the permanent wave.....

The News As I See It: Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination. Oh yeah, because when the other candidates aren’t generating enough excitement, it’s time to bring out Gary Johnson. His real name is Gary Hussein Johnson. That’s where it will get interesting.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Michelle Obozo said the most popular Obozo is their Portuguese Water Dog, Bo-zo. When Donald Trump heard this, he said he wants to see that dog’s papers.

Donald Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent.

This Date In History: 1901; New York became the first state to require license plates on cars. 1915; British, Australian, and New Zealand forces landed at Gallipoli. 1928; The first seeing eye dog was presented to Morris S. Frank. 1945; Delegates met in San Francisco to organize the United Nations.

1953; The Francis Crick and James Watson article describing the double helix of DNA is published in the magazine Nature. 1959; The St. Lawrence Seaway opened to shipping. 1990; Violeta Barrios de Chamorro was inaugurated as president of Nicaragua.

1992; Islamic forces took over most of Kabul, Afghanistan after the Soviet-controlled government collapsed. 2003; The Georgia legislature voted to scrap the "Confederate flag" design from its state flag.

Picture Of The Day: The upcoming royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be shown live on ABC April 29th at 4:00 a.m. I've never really liked weddings per se although I would enloy watching the conception.

In any case their are only three reasons I would be up at 4 am. The first reason is obligatory and is provoked by the need to go to the bathroom. The second reason is more of a fantasy and would be to go fishing. The third and usual reason is that's just about the time I get home on some nights.

Meanwhile, back at the palace, Prince Charles continues to age as his mother refuses to give up the throne. Reminds me of my childhood when we only had one bathroom and my father was the king.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A bachelor is like a modern cleanser: Works fast and leaves no ring. 2) Jimmy's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. 3) Definition of Innocence: Nun working in condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice. 4) Even though a marriage is made in heaven, the maintenance work has to be done here on earth! 5) Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.....and that's five!

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Taurus - April 25th: Horoscopes have always had a tendency to be wrong for you, but today's will be a peach. This year looks like it's going to be a great one. Full of vigorous situations, sweaty encounters and trysts in mysterious places. Most of your body is going to become an erogenous zone later this week and you might be awkwardly caught out when even the slightest, even accidental, touch causes you to wet yourself.

Birthdays: My pal Lisa - Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Oliver Cromwell statesman 1599, Guglielmo Marconi, physicist 1874, Wolfgang Pauli, physicist 1900, Edward R. Murrow, journalist 1908, Ella Fitzgerald, jazz singer 1917, Al Pacino, actor 1940, Renee Zellweger, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife confessed, "Not this time."

A old man stepped out of his showers and said to his wife, "It's just too hot to wear clothes today. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?" His wife replied. "Probably that I married you for your money."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories (and for gallantly saving the Easter Bunny).

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" The man says, "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

A man picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and started going at it. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. She replied, "Your organ, it's a bit on the small side." He replied, "Well, It's not used to playing in cathedrals."

One day God and Adam were walking in the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied, "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam and Adam went and took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and said, "Wow Lord! That was great!! What next?"

God said, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam says, "Lord what is a caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next." God said, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam said "Lord, what is make love?"

God explained and Adam took Eve behind the bush and a few seconds later came out and said "Lord, what is a headache?"

That's it for today, my little daffy dills. Remember, Foreign Aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !


Paula said...

You and Prince Charles gave me a good laugh tonight.

Ally Lifewithally said...

I think you are right Jimmy I cannot see he Queen giving up her throne ~ I just hope the next one in line will be William ~ thanks for a lovely read ~ Ally x

Ally Lifewithally said...

of course that should read "the Queen giving" ~~~~ Ally x

Julie said...

Cute joke, in fact all the jokes were cute, LOL. I almost feel sorry for Charles, Imagine waiting all those years..... to be king for a day before you die of old age. take care

Missy said...

That last part about the permanent waive in your pants is just too funny. You're so bad :p