Friday, June 3, 2011

There's A Bad Case Of Political Dumb Ass Going Around !

I have never professed to being a genius, but I've always had enough sense to.... uh, how do I phrase it.... to make sure that I don't do caca in the same place where I eat. Evidently, there's quite a few politicians and celebrities who were never sat down by their fathers and had this fact explained to them.

The latest dumb ass is John Edwards, who was indicted today by a grand jury over alleged illegal funneling of campaign funds to mistress Rielle Hunter. This news has momentarily given a brief respite to Anthony (Oscar Meyer) Weiner and the alleged texted photograph of his chief of staff to 21 year-old coed Gennette Cordova.

This news story, in turn, allowed former governor and current idiot Arnold Schwarzenegger to ease into the shadows. It's too bad Ahnold had this little
misunderstanding because English isn't his native language. He told Maria that their housekeeper wanted a raise. Maria said, "Screw her." Any simple-minded, semi-literate Austrian could have made the same mistake, right?

Of course, we all remember Tiger Woods, who repeatedly shot himself in the ass more times that can be counted and in turn, gave up half of his wealth to his now ex-wife.

Probably the champion screwball was former President Bill Clinton, who went on national television to coin the phrase, "I did not have sex with that woman." Anthony Weiner, no stranger to plagiarism, recently said to CNN's Wolf Blitzer, "I did not text that photograph to that woman." Pretty clever, huh?

Maybe Willie Nelson should have written "Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow up to Be Politicians."

The News As I See It: Congressman Anthony Weiner's Twitter account was allegedly hacked and someone texted a picture of his "junior senator" to a college girl. Weiner (D-NY) claims that he "can't say with certitude" whether the man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him. There are two options here: Either Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of or "Certitude" is his nickname for his penis.

Scientists are using a robot explorer at the pyramids in Egypt to photograph secret chambers that humans haven’t seen in 4,500 years. There’s graffiti down there that hasn’t been translated yet. It probably says, "Larry King was here."

This Date In History: 1861; Stephen Douglas, U.S. politician, died. 1937; The Duke of Windsor (formerly Edward VIII) married Wallis Simpson. 1965; Major Edward White became the first U.S. astronaut to walk in space, during the Gemini 4 mission.

1979; The world's worst oil spill occurred when an exploratory oil well, Ixtoc 1, blew out, spilling over 140 million gallons of oil into the Bay of Campeche off the coast of Mexico. 1989; Chinese army troops head to Beijing to crush student-led pro-democracy demonstrations. 1989; Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini died.

Picture Of The Day: Actor James Arness died today at the age of 88. For 20 years, from 1955 to 1975, Arness played Marshal Matt Dillon on the television western "Gunsmoke" in what, along with "Law and Order," is the longest-lived drama on American television. Rest in peace Mr. Arness.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Schizophrenia beats living alone. 2) When we were younger, we used to go skinny dipping. Now, we just chunky dunk. 3) Chastity is curable if detected early. 4) It amazes me that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always fits exactly in the newspaper. 5) At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they're usually married to each other.....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Gemini - June 3rd: You have recently received some electronic equipment for which there was a manual. Give this manual a quick read because chances are you'll screw it up. Much of what you believe now will later be shattered by an obnoxious man wearing glasses with a distinct lisp. Clutching your heart and complaining that your arm hurts is quite a mean thing to do when trapped in an elevator for 2 hours. Be charming, chances are good for an evening tryst.

Birthdays: Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy 1808, Henry James, philosophical theologian 1811, Raoul Dufy, painter 1877, Josephine Baker, dancer and singer 1906, Tony Curtis, actor 1925, Allen Ginsberg, poet 1926, Curtis Mayfield, singer-songwriter 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks, "What's that position?" The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she’s really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, ‘Your sister likes this position too.’ Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband suggests, "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts and asks. "How long will this take?" Her husband replies, "They’ll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years"

The wife stops and says, "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn’t it?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pal Pat in the U.K. for her contribution to today's stories.

A group of nuns are lined up to confess to the priest. The first nun says, "Father, I have sinned. I looked at a naked man." The priest says, "Put holy water on your eyes and say 10 hail Marys."

The next nun comes up and says, "Father, I have sinned. I touched a naked man in a sexual manner." The priest says, "Wash your hands in holy water and say 20 hail Marys."

The third nun approaches the priest and is about to speak when is a clamoring from the back of the church. Another nun comes running in and says, "Wait!" The priest says, "What’s wrong?" The nun replies, "I need to gargle the holy water before Sister Nancy sticks her ass in it."

An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man, "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretching out across the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well, I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."

The old Scot continued, "Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretching across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Nooooo."

The old Scot said, "Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Nooooo."

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers…."But ya screw one goat…"

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash, and the average male thief won’t be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

That's it for today my little munchkins. Remember, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. Hmmm.... I think I'll head over to AREA 51 for happy hour and some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


REGINA said...

oh....jack kevorkian passed today as well....i wonder if his death was assisted in any way?

Heli gunner Tom said...

You had some cool, funny jokes today that made me laugh-- and that's what we all need, IMHO. Thanks.

Tom S

Julie said...

Politicians get dumber every day, or maybe we are just finally hearing about it. Have a great weekend Jimmy.

jack69 said...

Well for sure I agree with you politically. Always enjoy Jimmy's Journal and also get a few belly laughs! I hope the nun got to gargle first!!!

Paula said...

Like the holy water joke, of course I'm not catholic.

Rose said...

You had me on the floor about the Nuns! LOL

Ally Lifewithally said...

Jimmy thanks for the laughs I can always count on them from you ~ Ally x

Missy said...

I think you are a genius Jimmy lol

"Schizophrenia beats living alone."...AMEN!

Okay, the Cowboy joke almost killed me from laughing!!!