Friday, June 24, 2011

The Fun Thing About Going Downhill Fast Is The Exhilaration !

Once past age 40, I began to notice how people reacted to growing older, including myself. The first time I really noticed was the day one of my friends complimented me on my new alligator shoes and I was barefoot. The little idiosyncrasies of life became more and more noticeable. It was little things at first.

I began not to care where my spouse went, just as long as I didn't have to go along. I noticed little things like being cautioned to slow down by my doctor instead of the police. The term "getting lucky" also meant finding my car in the parking lot. An "all nighter" began to mean not having to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

It wasn't just me, either. One of my buddies saw a young babe who captured his fancy and his pacemaker opened his garage door. To him, "getting a little action" meant he didn't need to take any fiber that day.

I finally realized that any man could have the mind and body of a 30-year-old, as long as he buys her a few drinks first. A younger man may know the rules but the older man knows the exceptions.

Yep, you know you're getting older when you can remember every detail of your life story, but cannot remember how many times you have told the same person. The trick is to make sure you write it down. But, that's just me.....

The News As I See It: It has been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.

This week in New York there was an embarrassing moment when a visiting Congressional group saw the "Naked Cowboy" and remarked, "Please tell us you're not a Democratic Congressman."

President Obozo has released 30 million barrels of oil from the strategic petroleum reserve. He said it was in response to what he called a real emergency: his poll numbers.

The Prez announced the beginning of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan. He said last night, "We can’t stay there indefinitely." Meanwhile, our troops in Korea are going, "Hello, we’ve been here for 60 years!"

Just days after calling off her wedding to Hugh Hefner, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris has returned the couple’s dog to Hefner. Sources say he is a slightly mangy fellow who pees himself a lot, but he’s very glad to get his dog back.

Cindy Lauper just turned just 58 years old. You can tell she’s getting up there in age. Her newest song is called "Girls Just Wanna Have a Quiet Evening at the Nursing Home."

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world. We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing no matter where you go.

This Date In History: 1509; Henry VIII was crowned king of England. 1647; Early American feminist Margaret Brent demanded a seat and vote in the Maryland Assembly, but was ejected from that body. 1675; King Philip's War, the most devastating war between the colonists and Indians, began with Indians attacking the Swansea (Mass.) settlement.

1908; The 22nd and 24th president of the United States, Grover Cleveland, died in Princeton, N.J. 1947; Kenneth Arnold, an American pilot, reported seeing strange objects near Mt. Rainier, Washington. He described them as "saucers skipping across the water," hence the term "flying saucers" was born.

1948; The Soviet Union began a blockade of Berlin. Allied forces responded with what would be known as the Berlin Airlift flying in more than 2 million tons of supplies over the next year. 1997; The U.S. Air Force released The Roswell Report, closing the case on the 1947 Roswell, N.M. incident concerning UFOs and alien bodies.

Picture Of The Day: Even cowgirls get the blues now and then. Today's pictures are simply entitled "Blues."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 2) It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. At 85 years old, this enables you to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

3) My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I've only been jogging once and feel ten years older already. 4) I joined a health club last year, spent 400 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 5) My girlfriend had to give up jogging for her health. Her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantyhose on fire....and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Cancer - June 24th: Today is an umbrella day but don't take that old one you've had for five years. Blow the dust off of your wallet and buy one at the grocery store, you tightwad. Hey, were talking ten dollars here! On the bright side, if it does rain tonight (and it will), you'll save the money you were going to spend at happy hour in AREA 51. There's a fifty-fifty chance that you'll get lucky tonight.

Birthdays: My pal Phil - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Sir John Ross, arctic explorer 1777, Henry Ward Beecher, clergyman 1813, Ambrose Bierce, satirist 1842, Jack Dempset, world champion heavyweight boxer 1895, John Ciardi, poet 1916, Anita Desai, writer 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man is vacationing alone in Hawaii. He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies. Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline. Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a nightclub.

He goes to the club and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women. He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, "Sir, what's your secret?" The old man replies, "I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you. So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks." The young man is thankful for the advice and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

The next morning he goes out to the beach again with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks. But the girls only smile at him and move on. He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded by beautiful women. That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help.

The wise old man responds with another fine tip, "Next time son, put the socks in the front of your trunks."

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. She explained, "These are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old man in the back answered, "They send us on bus tours."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and it was determined to be Bush's fault.

An old man left a local bar to go home. On his way, he stopped at the drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many do you want?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old man said, "Hey, I'm ninety years old. I just want it to stick out far enough that I don't pee on my shoes."

That's it for today my little whipper snappers. Remember, all great lovers have bad memories. Also, all great lovers have bad memories. T.G.I.F. - I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour and maybe some Karaoke. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !


jack69 said...

I wish you woule get rid of that turtle down there, He is one tired looking cuss. Ha! Oh but today. Thanks, I did not know the origin of the flying saucers. And I thought I 'knowed' it all by now!!! hahahahaha.

Oh yeah, and I loved the emergency causing the release of the oil reserves.
Have a great weekend and be careful at Area 51!

Linda's World said...

good one!

garnett109 said...

enjoy your weekend jimmy

Paula said...

Hope you are having a nice week-end. Like the blue pictures.